AIBU. Told partner I don’t like .... (explicit)

[lifecanbelovely]

Not sure if it’s too early for this post but here’s a warning of explicit content.
I recently told my BF of 18 months who is one of the most attentive and selfless lovers, that I don’t like giving BJs. I think I may have ruined our sex life. Have I screwed up? Am I being unreasonable?

If it's ruined, you weren't meant to be with that person. But I doubt you've ruined anything. If he is a decent man, he will accept it without grumbling. Although I wouldn't expect him to give you oral either!

I don't think anyone really enjoys giving blow jobs.

This is wrong.

I really don’t mind giving oral sex but I actually quite dislike receiving it - I just feel so self conscious and can’t relax. So my DH has never given it to me and that’s fine, if I disliked giving him oral sex then I would tell him and wouldn’t expect him to demand it. Have you actually spoken to each other openly about it?

YANBU to not do something sexually you don’t want to do.

If I were your partner I would be hurt that you hadn’t been honest during the 18months.

If he sees this as a deal breaker then he isn’t being unreasonable either.

@recrudescence I second that

I don't like either giving or receiving oral and it doesn't bother DH in the least. There are plenty of other things to do.

I don’t think Yabu. I hate giving blow jobs. Despise it. I don’t mind a small half one as part of foreplay but absolutely no to cum in my mouth. Ever.

My OH knows I hate them, he absolutely doesn’t expect me to do it. I also don’t expect him to go down on me, although he doesn’t have any issues with it from his perspective.

A healthy sex life is one where both people are comfortable and are enjoying it.

I don’t like the inference that because he might feel blow jobs are important to him he’s not a decent person.

Parts of my sex life are massively important to me and I wouldn’t sleep with someone who didn’t want to do those things. I would never, EVER force someone to do something they didn’t like.

I don't think anyone really enjoys giving blow jobs.

This isn't true.

You have every right to speak honestly to your partner about your sex life and should never ever do anything you don't want to.

Likewise, he has the right to respond to that honestly - if he has reservations or concerns, or doesn't want to continue the relationship then his decision should be respected too.

Sometimes although it's tough to accept, neither person is right or wrong, just not sexually compatible.

@DpWm lots of people do enjoy giving them.

I would be very annoyed that you had been dishonest, if you’re comfortable enough to be doing oral you really should be comfortable enough to be honest.

I hate it too. It’s so boring and uncomfortable. My mind wanders and I want to giggle. I feel nervous towards the finale and clamp my throat shut. My jaw aches. I start thinking about my shopping list.

I do it occasionally. To be nice.

I also hate receiving and don’t allow it. It grosses me out and feel so tickly I just don’t know how any woman can relax enough to find it a turn on.

I sound a right laugh in the bedroom don’t I? 😂

I’ve never liked giving them, I don’t mind receiving but happy not to bother if it means I don’t have to do it! In my younger years I did it because it felt mean not to. Not often but often enough for my partner to not complain. But then men will say that they can tell if a woman isn’t enjoying it which stops it being a good BJ anyway. But I have decided I will never do it again. That’s fine because I’m single and would tell any prospective partner quite earlier on that it wouldn’t be on the cards. So they can decide if they want to continue or not.

I think the sticking part in your OP is that you have waited 18 months. That is the unreasonable part. Not the fact you don’t like them.

I don’t mind a small half one

Yes, I can manage a half a well.

If he is a decent man, he will accept it without grumbling.

This is horrible! It is basically saying that to be a good person you have to put up with a (potentially) unsatisfying sex life and not complain when your partner moves the goal posts after 18 months!

What you are describing is not a "decent man" it is a doormat.

The OP doesn't have to give head f she doesn't want to, no one is suggesting she should. However there is nothing wrong with her partner if he decides that this doesn't work for him.

Parts of my sex life are massively important to me and I wouldn’t sleep with someone who didn’t want to do those things

Intrigued. What is this act of massive importance? Spill.

If, after 18 months my partner said he didn't like going down on me I'd feel pretty uncomfortable and embarrassed if he had been doing it up untill now. He might feel put out, not because he won't be getting one but because he will wonder why you never told him to begin with.

I'd dump any man who said he disliked performing oral. In his position, I'd be angry that you wasted eighteen months of my life.

Yeah right. Totally commodify the poor geezer. How very dare anybody not want to put your wish for 100% total sexual satisfaction above their own feeling of discomfort. Send them back to the Boyfriend Shop & demand a refund!

Alternatively, accept that sex is only part of a loving relationship, that your partner is not a sex toy, & that they are not there merely to fulfil your desires.

Apologies OP - got a little testy there. I hope you can decipher from the above where I'm coming from, & that your own partner feels similarly. I'm sure you can find many, many ways of fulfilling each others sexual needs without making it feel like stroppy demands & dehumanising ultimatums.

If he is a decent man, he will accept it without grumbling.

Agree with @Magenta82 that this is a really unsettling point of view.

It’s fine if that’s your preference, but you have to be prepared for this to be a dealbreaker for him as his preference might be different. I think it’s important for couples to be compatible, especially in regard to intimacy. Also you haven’t been together for that long, so it’s easy enough for both of you to be able to start over if it comes to that.

Not a fan of a blowjob but i go to town for foreplay... but never to completion these days...makes me feel sick the taste of spunk in your mouth.

My husband would love to try anal.. he knows i never will and doesn't pressure me at all.

YABU, but if it's he can't live without he's not BU to end the relationship. Sexual incompatibility is no fun.

My wife never gave me oral. That's fine, i would have found it hard to take pleasure from something she disliked anyway. There were multiple issues (including sexual ones) in the marriage but that resolutely wasn't one of them.

RSA; what are you on about? I'd expect them not to endure that discomfort in the first place by telling me before the sexual relationship began. OP has lied for eighteen months. Now she tells him... Complete waste of his time unless he's the rare man happy to go the rest of his life without a bj. He'll be wondering what else she's hiding from him.

I don’t like them either. I dislike receiving oral sex too. In our early years together we did them both a few times and then settled into a pattern that gave us both pleasure. If no BJs really is a deal breaker for your BF better to for you both to find this out now than later.

Incidentally whilst I know some women enjoy them, I don’t think you are in a minority here, there is a very old joke - Q - What do lobsters and blowjobs have in common? A - You never get them after you’re married!

This thread seems to be split into groups of people who think sex is important and groups who think it is not. The people who don't think sex is important also don't seem to think that the fact it was only brought up after 18 months is important.