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Original poster

AIBU. Told partner I don’t like .... (explicit)

108 replies

lifecanbelovely · 10/05/2019 16:35

Not sure if it’s too early for this post but here’s a warning of explicit content.
I recently told my BF of 18 months who is one of the most attentive and selfless lovers, that I don’t like giving BJs. I think I may have ruined our sex life. Have I screwed up? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Dontbeadick · 10/05/2019 17:24

I don't agree. Anyone has the right to change their mind at any time about aspects of their sex life. If you truly love a person, you'll accept it with good grace.

crazychemist · 10/05/2019 17:24

Not giving BJs won’t ruin your sex life, there are plenty of other fun things to do! But I suspect it’s unpleasant for him to hear this if he thinks you ve been enjoying it for the last 18 months. Presumably he’s now not sure what you enjoy in the bedroom if he thinks he can’t tell?

I’m with the others that are in favour of the “small, half blowjob” . My DH loves it, so I enjoy it not as a physical thing but because I enjoy turning him on, it makes me feel sexy and in control. I bet he thinks the same about foreplay, he enjoys my reaction. But I view it as part of fore-play, so he doesn’t finish that way and I don’t think he’d want to as he’d know I wasn’t enjoying it (jaw ache! Who on earth uses those muscles for anything else???).

Maybe you need to talk to him about why you aren’t keen? He must be wondering.

Of course he’ll be disappointed if it’s something he enjoys (I assume it is!) and that he thought you enjoyed too. I thinks it’s strange that so many posters think he should just automatically be ok with it without question. Of course you shouldn’t do anything that makes you really uncomfortable, but really you should have brought this up earlier and I think as it’s a surprise to him he’s entitled to some thinking time rather than just immediately accepting everything.

Lovemusic33 · 10/05/2019 17:25

Not a great fan of it either but if I’m with someone I love I get enjoyment out of giving them pleasure so it doesn’t seem that bad.

Would I dump someone who didn’t like doing oral? Nope, it wouldn’t bother me, there’s plenty of other things I enjoy, orals not too of my list.

I can see it from both sides, if he loves you then he shouldn’t be that bothered but he could say ‘if you loved him you would enjoy seeing him pleasured’?

Magenta82 · 10/05/2019 17:27

If you truly love a person, you'll accept it with good grace.

In a long term relationship after tastes have changed I agree. After 18 months of pretending to enjoy something you don't, then no.

PlaygroupDilema · 10/05/2019 17:27

YANBU to not like giving them.
YABU to wait this long to tell him. That would make me feel quite shit if I were him.

If this is a deal breaker for him (for me personally, the thought of never receiving oral again is depressing) then that is fair enough.

DulcieRay · 10/05/2019 17:32

If a partner told me after 18 months of doing something that they didn't like it I think I would feel hurt, betrayed/lied to and confused. I'd question what else they were keeping from me. I think that's the issue here, not what exactly it is.

And some of us do enjoy giving (genuinely). To say otherwise is just not true.

PlaygroupDilema · 10/05/2019 17:34

For those wanting to prevent jaw ache then you should try different positions and also try mixing it up with different techniques (tounge, hands.. ). I never get jaw ache.

Sorry, don't mean to steer the thread in another direction!

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 10/05/2019 17:34

I don't think anyone really enjoys giving blow jobs.

Oh, I wouldn't be too sure

Hopoindown31 · 10/05/2019 17:34

This is a bit of a cliche tbh. Are we sure OP is for real? I mean this is stereotypical working man's club joke territory.

Anyone is free to change their sexual preferences at any time. However, as with all choices, they can't expect their partners to just go with the flow if something is important to them. I'd certainly be upset if DP turnaround and declared a unilateral moritorium on oral sex.

youarenotkiddingme · 10/05/2019 17:41

I once admitted I hate giving them and thought I'd face ridicule from mates etc.

Turns out that we seem to think many woman give them to sexual partners and enjoy it - but actually ime most don't and don't!

RSAcre · 10/05/2019 17:43

OP has lied for eighteen months.

That's an assumption too far @JuniFlora.
The OP hasn't said that she used to give BJ's & has now stopped. Maybe she's never done it & is now saying she's not going to be comfortable with it.

And she hasn't lied - even assuming she has (occasionally? ever?) given him a BJ, all that's happened is that she was being overly accommodating but would now really rather not.

As none of us are personally expecting to receive oral from the OP, I don't think it's helpful to wade in & castigate her. It's up to her partner to discuss it with her & decide if he's happy. I hope he does - there's more than one way to skin a cat ...

FancyAPint · 10/05/2019 17:43

I don't think anyone likes doing it but do it to pleasure your partner, same as e.g a massage

Original poster

lifecanbelovely · 10/05/2019 17:46

Having read all the posts I feel it important to give some more context.
We have a great sex life and we’re exploring new things all the time. I do many things that a lot of women would not do. I am going to be even more explicit here so cover your eyes if you’re a bit squeamish. Ok, I massage his prostate, yes, internally. I do anal when we both or he feels like it. We have done many other things that I thoroughly enjoy. And we continuously discuss doing more things. We introduce toys when we want, too. No need for other detail here.
With regards to waiting 18 months, I was in a very unhappy marriage and didn’t really even have sex for the last five years. Throughout my marriage, my husband was a selfish lover and didn’t really care to please me at all. He didn’t get many BJs throughout our decades of marriage. On meeting this BF we set on a fantastic sex life. He got the occasional BJ and we did many new things that I had never done before. It was great and continues to be.
He loves oral, he even borderline gives it too much for me. He says he loves giving it and it turns him on a great deal.
I have felt that BJs aren’t a big deal to him because he seemed to get more out of other things I did. My post on here is a sense check really.
I think he’s ok about it but I’m not 100% sure.
I have reminded him since that it’s not that I never want to do them I just really have to be in the mood. I also said that it really turned me on when he put it in my mouth when I was blindfolded (yep, we have been adventurous). I feel I have explained why it’s not my favourite thing to do. I said I wasn’t a big fan of them.
We have a very honest relationship. I’m just not sure he might now feel he can’t say he would like one and I don’t want him to feel like that.
I love him very much and if I were to find out it was a deal breaker then I’d be down on him like a shot.
I have just said it’s not my favourite thing to do and I have to be in the mood.
I used to do oral in past relationships because I thought it’s the thing to do. But we are so honest and have such a great sex life I decided I could be honest with him.
Do you think that’s unfair? If so, I take that on the chin.

OP posts:

SabrinaSpellmann · 10/05/2019 17:48

I don’t like giving them. I find them boring and the idea of putting a penis in my mouth is meh. I did it in my teens a lot as I felt it was the done thing, I regret it now because I shouldn’t have felt like it was a must.

So YANBU to not like them/not want to do them.

But I do think YABU waiting this long. Honesty should have been at the beginning. If you gave them to him before telling him it could make him feel quite shit/self conscious.

b0bb1n · 10/05/2019 17:52

YANBU but I never understand how women can not enjoy giving their man a bj.

MustardBastard · 10/05/2019 17:52

I love giving bj's, my partner doesn't like going down. I don't take it personally but have to admit that if he'd said he didn't like it at the beginning, it would have changed the way I viewed his potential.

That said, we have a very happy and fulfilling relationship. The sex isn't the best I've ever had, not by a long chalk, but he does try. He probably gets a bj a couple of times a year and I can't remember the last time he returned the favour. Disappointing when I think about it but I'm very happy in our relationship in other ways. It's the best relationship I've ever had with a lot of equality, support and mutual respect, we're a proper team, best friends and each other's biggest supporter. So is it worth throwing all that away just because he doesn't muff dive? He does please me in other ways. I think if he didn't, I would have to reconsider.

Anyway, the long and short of it is everyone has their own preferences and expectations and you have to weigh up if it's worth throwing something away over or if it's a deal breaker. And no one knows what your partner's choice will be except him.

SabrinaSpellmann · 10/05/2019 17:53

Cross post with you, OP!

Makes a lot more sense now. Why not make the first move when you feel in the mood to give him? Perhaps then he’ll take the hint to let you lead when it comes to oral on him?

RuffleCrow · 10/05/2019 17:53

I'm going to say what i always say on these threads:

There's no such thing as 'blanket' sexual consent.

Your body belongs to you and it is entirely up to you what you agree to do with it.

Sex is supposed to be mutually enjoyable - if you're not enjoying something you have the right to choose not to do it.

If this is a deal-breaker for him he was never right for you.

SabrinaSpellmann · 10/05/2019 17:54

b0bb1n, because it’s boring as fuck? Jaw ache? Taste of penis in their mouth is a turn off? Don’t like the taste of cum? Strong gag reflex? Low confidence? Pick your poison. Plenty of reasons for women not to like giving them, same goes for men going down on women.

escapade1234 · 10/05/2019 17:57

Well, based on your update OP, it doesn’t seem like your man is missing out.

AppropriateAdult · 10/05/2019 17:58

OP has lied for eighteen months. Now she tells him... Complete waste of his time unless he's the rare man happy to go the rest of his life without a bj. He'll be wondering what else she's hiding from him.

Oh please The OP didn't deliberately plot to deceive her partner. She's been doing something which she doesn't particularly enjoy, as lots of people will do in the early days of a relationship, and has decided she doesn't want to do it any more. If that's a deal-breaker for him then that's his choice, but it doesn't speak well of the depth of his feelings for her if he would throw away the relationship because he'll now have to do without one particular type of orgasm.

RSAcre · 10/05/2019 18:01

Do you think that’s unfair? If so, I take that on the chin.

Not at all ... but guffawing at "take it on the chin" in this context :)

Sounds like you have plenty of other compatabilities up each others' sleeves OP, pretty confident this is a storm in a tea cup x

Lightningpanda · 10/05/2019 18:01

I think if you don't do anything your not comfortable with, when sex is involved, then your never going to put yourself out there are and experiment. Also I agree the comments about give and take. You should consider trying it again with some flavoured lubricant and asked him to play with you at the same time. I'm not a fan of BJ's but I get off on his excitement.

Asta19 · 10/05/2019 18:05

Sabrina is right in her reasons. More or less everything she’s listed is why I don’t like doing them. As a pp said, I now regret the fact I felt I “should” do it when I was younger and wish I’d had the guts to say no. That’s why I can safely say I’ll never do it again. I like sex, no sex at all or even infrequent sex would be a deal breaker for me. So it isn’t as if I have a low sex drive or anything. I just don’t want to do BJs.

I think lots of women don’t like them. And out of those that do, many of them like the effect it has on their partner more than the act it’s self. I know people may disgree but I doubt many women genuinely enjoy it for its own sake. I’m not saying none do, but I think they are a minority overall.

OP, now you have given more context, I think things will be fine.

Asta19 · 10/05/2019 18:06

I cross posted with Lightningpanda there but a perfect example of what I said!

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