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Original poster

dom/sub thing really annoying

79 replies

freeloader · 05/10/2018 22:33

I'm really on board with people freely expressing their sexuality etc. Live and let live and all that. Plus, I really enjoy sex a lot.

BUT I find the whole dom/sub stuff so hard to get my head around. I don't mean there's any should/shouldn't around this because we definitely are in a free country. But, just WHAT, WHY? Sex is great. It's pleasurable. What 's with the pain and suffering? I definitely don't mean that people shouldn't be into that. I just mean that sex feels good, so why the need for pain etc? It's such as British thing. Other countries/cultures just go along with the fact that sex feels good and there's no need to mix up pleasure/pain. Sex feels good. Why involve pain and suffering?

OP posts:

mybumpismostlypudding · 05/10/2018 22:37

Why is it a British thing? 😂

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 05/10/2018 22:38

So you're ok with people expressing their sexuality, but only in a way that you can understand and want to do yourself? I'm also not sure why you think that other countries only have 'nice' sex, have you done a survey?

HereBeFuckery · 05/10/2018 22:39

You're slightly misunderstanding. Sub/Dom don't specifically relate to pleasure/pain. They relate to the dynamic. Often the pleasure/pain tension is part of it, but it's not a given.

Argonauts · 05/10/2018 22:40

Look up ‘theory of mind’, OP.

MrBeansXmasTurkey · 05/10/2018 22:41

Just try to lay off the 50 shades of Grey, OP.

IronicUserName001 · 05/10/2018 22:42

Clearly you never watched Eurotrash as a teenager, OP. Trust me, it's not just a British thing!

Cindersdonegood · 05/10/2018 22:42

Yeah I don't think you actually know what it means......

Original poster

freeloader · 05/10/2018 22:43

BDSM is totally understood to be particularly popular in Britain. I have good reason to know this but anyone who is not British please feel free to contradict the impression people have of British people.

I am definitely not interested in promoting 'nice' sex at all. But, what on earth is the point of painful sex?

OP posts:

Jsku · 05/10/2018 22:48

Pain/pleasure interactions are different for different people. For some - pain enhances pleasure.
And that sort of interactions don’t need to be structured as D/s....

And on the flip side - D/s doesn’t need to involve physical pain. It’s more about letting go of control for the sub. And taking control for the D. All within defined boundaries.

mybumpismostlypudding · 05/10/2018 22:51

Saying it's very popular in Britain (no idea if this is true, but happy to assume) is not the same as saying that not knowing how to just enjoy sex nicely is 'such a British thing' though! You seem to be suggesting that all Brits are doing sex wrong - seems a bit daft is all! I don't have strong views on BDSM either way, but suggesting we're all a bit crap at sex seems a bit cheeky

Original poster

freeloader · 05/10/2018 22:52

Argonoauts I understand theory of mind. Different people perceive things in different ways. But, on what planet is pleasure not pleasure?

We owe it to ourselves to recognise pleasure and to make sure we experience it. Conning ourselves into believing that pleasure is complicated and might involve pain and sadism is medieval. This is the 21st century. Women deserve pleasure. Full stop.

OP posts:

beatrixisnotplaying · 05/10/2018 22:52

I think you have misunderstood what the Dom/sub dynamic is about. It's really not about pain. It's about relinquishing control.

On the other hand, play in the form of pain, done with skill, is highly pleasurable. It may or may not involve sex. That depends again on the dynamic.

You can have play partners without sex. You may choose to have sex with only one partner and play with many. Play does not mean sex, it means play.

It's also very worldwide, I assure you!

TetleysSurpassesYorkshireTea · 05/10/2018 22:52

It isn't about pain in all D/S relationships. Where the relationship does involve pain, the endorphins relrased can make the pleasure feel so much more intense.

But the main thing about D/S is the dynamic. Utterly trusting one another, and the intimacy and communication that necessitates, can make the relationship so very intense.

It's playing with power exchange, and that can add so much to a relationship, and sex, for those into BDSM.

Original poster

freeloader · 05/10/2018 22:54

Pain is painful. Pleasure is pleasurable. I think this is a feminist issue.

OP posts:

mybumpismostlypudding · 05/10/2018 22:55

This isn't a 'women deserve pleasure' issue, you're assuming the sub/ masochist is always the woman there and always the one to suffer. This isn't the case. The point of BDSM is that people get to live out their fantasies with people they feel safe doing so with. It's not about women being hurt by men because somebody told them that's what sex is. I think you need to look it up a bit more to be honest.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 05/10/2018 22:57

But all types of sex are a slightly unpleasant if it's not a thing that turns you on. That doesn't mean that it's not intensely hot for some people.

For instance, I can't believe that people really enjoy giving oral sex. Receiving yes, but giving no. Despite around 30 years of my DH telling me that he enjoys giving it (for which I'm very grateful) I still think, deep down, that he's just saying that to make me feel more comfortable about receiving.

mybumpismostlypudding · 05/10/2018 22:57

You can be a feminist and have great sex too. If it's not fun for you, don't do it. Don't tell other women they're wrong about sex, their own minds, their own bodies because you don't fancy it. That's not feminism, that's bigotry.

TetleysSurpassesYorkshireTea · 05/10/2018 22:57

It's not quite as cut and dried as that for everyone, Freeloader.

As the submissive holds all the power, then assuming the sub is the woman, how does that go against feminism?

Original poster

freeloader · 05/10/2018 22:58

Do you not question why pain is a sexual fantasy for some women, and men?

OP posts:

TetleysSurpassesYorkshireTea · 05/10/2018 23:01

Yes. Do you?

gamerwidow · 05/10/2018 23:01

'm really on board with people freely expressing their sexuality
No you’re not. BDSM isn’t for me but if other people enjoy it and freely consent to it who cares if it gets me off or not.
You don’t have to understand it, it’s not for you!

Onlyfamandclosefknow · 05/10/2018 23:01

I think your last post is asking a different question to the why dom/sub dynamic question. As you've conflated the two you're getting different responses.

mybumpismostlypudding · 05/10/2018 23:02

Does it matter? If it makes you feel better it's not because I'm a closet misogynist who needs to be pushed around by men to be happy

SpoonBlender · 05/10/2018 23:03

No. Brains are complicated and weird. And nerves can get literally crossed.

And you're conflating dom/sub and pain play. Stop doing that, they are not tied together.

"I think this is a feminist issue." It's not. It's people. Many men like to sub, many women like to dom. They don't need to dress up as Panzer commanders and milkmaids to do it, either.

Some people are abusive, that's not dom/sub that's abuse.

Original poster

freeloader · 05/10/2018 23:13

As the submissive holds all the power, then assuming the sub is the woman, how does that go against feminism?

Do you actually understand what submissive means?

I grew up in The Netherlands. We had sex with our partners as equals. No game paying necessary.

OP posts:

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