12yo DS getting bullied and school not doing anything

[DarkDusk]

DS is 12 and in year 7. He has always been a very confident child, quite loud and chatty, funny, very expressive and he has never really cared what other people think of him. He is quite camp/feminine in the way he talks and moves and has always been like that. He loves singing, pop music, drama and musical theatre, does his skincare, likes doing his hair etc. He is very determined and can be quite stubborn.

He was at a really small village primary, there were only about 18 children in his year and most of them had been together since reception. He had a good group of friends there and was generally very happy. He did get the odd comment about being “girly” but it was never anything like this and he was comfortable being himself.

When he started secondary he was actually really excited. He was adamant he didn’t want one of the Nike bags or a plain black backpack like loads of the boys have. He chose this: https://uk.justhype.com/products/hype-unisex-multi-pastel-prints-badge-backpack

At first it was mainly boys in his year making comments about the bag but it has spread beyond that now. There are older boys who have started joining in as well, including some year 8 and 9 boys apparently. DS says they see him around school and make comments about the bag, call it a girls bag, ask if it belongs to his sister, call him gay etc. Some of them don’t even know him. They’ve just picked up on what the other boys are doing.

And it isn’t really just the bag anymore. They make comments about the way he talks and copy his voice, take the piss out of the way he walks and moves his hands, call him names because he is feminine and make comments about the things he likes. He says they will see him and start doing the voice or saying things like “here he comes” and laughing. One of them apparently took a photo of him with the bag and sent it round a group chat. I haven’t seen the photo or the group chat myself so I can only go on what DS has told me but DS isn’t in it

He has also told me they make comments when they are getting changed for PE, including things about him being gay and comments about his body and appearance. He doesn’t want to repeat everything they’ve said and I don’t want to keep pushing him for details, but it is clearly more than boys just saying they don’t like his bag. They seem to have decided he is an easy target because he is different to them.

The school have been pretty useless tbh. I’ve spoken to his form tutor and head of year more than once and every time it comes back to “we have no evidence” and that they can’t take action based on what DS says happened. They say they will keep an eye on things but DS says the same boys are still doing it. I understand they can’t punish a child for something they haven’t witnessed but surely they can actually do something when a child is repeatedly naming the same boys and describing the same behaviour? Especially when it isn’t one incident and now seems to involve older pupils too.

On Friday one of them shoved him into a locker after another comment about his bag. He wasn’t hurt but came home absolutely raging and said he can deal with them himself. He is still very confident and keeps telling me he isn’t scared of them, which is him, but I’ve noticed other things. He now wants a plain black school bag even though he was so adamant he didn’t want one before. He has also decided he wants his hair cut. He showed me a picture on his phone and it is basically the haircut most of the boys at his school have. He normally loves doing his hair and has never cared about having the same haircut as everyone else, so this has really bothered me.

I think he is starting to work out that if he looks and acts more like the other boys they might leave him alone. That makes me really sad because there was absolutely nothing wrong with him before.

His dad thinks he needs to stand up for himself and has even suggested boxing. I don’t agree with that. I don’t want DS hitting someone and then being the one who gets punished or excluded, especially when the school already seems to be doing very little.

I don’t know whether to just keep pushing the school or go above head of year and make a formal complaint. And do I let him get the black bag and have the haircut if that’s what he wants? I don’t want to make a huge thing of the bag and tell him he has to keep it, because ultimately it’s just a bag, but I also don’t want him thinking he has to change himself to stop other people picking on him.

Email the school (then you have evidence) FAO the Headteacher, detail everything that’s happened and ask what is being done. If you don’t get anywhere then email the chair of governors; they are legally bound to do something and see how the school has dealt with it.
Your poor son @DarkDusk ☹️ Yes, I do agree with others that the bag probably wasn’t the best idea but irrespective, what your son is dealing with is disgusting and the perpetrators need to be punished.

Forget boxing - get him signed up to Krav Maga if he wants to. Much more useful for a bullied kid than boxing.

@Volpini but unless I have misunderstood, despite the school being on it, you still felt you had to send your son to an independent school to prevent further incidents.

This is where I think we have to be realistic about what the school can actually do, and I do think some people can be very naive about this.

It's incredibly naive to think human behaviour, particularly during adolescence, has changed much in a thousand years never mind just 40.

Incidentally I haven't seen that the OP stated her son's sexuality. Suggesting homophobia might well be your interpretation of the bag and the way the boy has expressed himself.

I don’t think they have tried to get evidence, when DS reported it when getting changed for PE the PE teacher didn’t do or say anything and then the HOY told me they couldn’t do anything without evidence. RE him being pushed it was on friday and he didn’t tell anyone and when he got home I did send an email to his form tutor but I haven’t had a reply and ds is annoyed with me he said I should tell them that everything’s fine and it’s a misunderstanding

The junior school were very much not on it. They treated it like they were two people who didn’t get on and that they needed to be seaparated at all costs when the kid in question wouldn’t leave my son alone, sought him out, was physically intimidating and abusive to my son - my son was not triggering this. He was just trying to be at school. I won’t derail this post but they didn’t respond fast enough or in the right way and my son had 2 years of misery to the point I was set to remove. That only ended because I moved my son out of this kid’s orbit into an independent.
There has been some homophobia at the secondary and that isn’t my issue - because kids are kids and make mistakes and discriminate. The difference is how a school responds - and in this case, the school took meaningful and supportive action. I would also say this is exactly the same for my daughter who went to a different state secondary and that school also handled the unpleasantness she experienced in a far more responsive and humane way too.

I agree that they absolutely should and the schools response here isn’t good. But I do think we also have to be realistic about what the school can actually do. One child being unpleasant (even very unpleasant) is much more straightforward to address than multiple children across different year groups and even with a very proactive school it can become firefighting very quickly. So for example, the locker push - a really proactive school might look on CCTV, find the culprit and sanction them. Great, that’s Fridays incident dealt with. But then there’s a different child and a different incident on Monday, and for the rest of the week. The parent is constantly calling the school, the child becomes embarrassed and angry, the perpetrators know they can carry on with abundance because it was just a shove / push / silly name on one occasion.

They will also back one another up and claim things didn’t happen.

Not easy at all, and the poor lad doesn’t have any friends from primary with him either. Hopefully it will blow over.

Whether or not the OP’s son is gay, she has stated how other pupils are labelling him as gay and that they are doing so in a pejorative way.
We have tried to explain to our son that it’s not that being gay is something to be ashamed of, it’s the fact the kids were saying he was gay in a way designed to shame and isolate him and inferring that it’s something to be ashamed. He understood that it was the intention behind what they said that was bullying, not the labelling of someone’s sexuality, incorrectly or otherwise.

Kids can be absolutely evil at that age, it makes my blood boil and I'm genuinely sorry your boy is having this experience.

I wish I had sage words of advice, I'm totally against the idea of your son trying to conform to some idea of what's "normal" when he sounds fantastic just the way he is. It would take an incredibly strong and confident 11 year old to do their own thing and go against the group. In the ideal world he'd do his hair in a style he likes, sling his backpack over his shoulder and strut right past anybody and everybody with a snide word to say and live his best life.

If it were my kid, I'd let them know just how proud they make me, that I wished I were more like them at that age and that I think they're absolutely perfect just as they are. But then I'd let them decide if they want to change their hair or get a black bag. Not everyone can stand up to the pressure, it's a lot to ask of a kid.

But then I have a psychotic streak. Anyone dares hurt my boy and I'd go Hunger Games on their sorry little backsides.

Sorry but the school sound rubbish. The bullying should be stamped out. Of course he can use any bag he likes and be however he wants to be and the kids bullying need to learn how to behave. If I was the parent of a child treating your son badly I’d be appalled and would address it.

Slightly different but my daughter is an adult now and she has learning disabilities and we don't let her use the backpacks she likes - she is obsessed with Scribble and Hello Kitty type stuff with teddy bears and the like.

For all the anti bullying rhetoric, you still have the practical issue of ensuring your child safe. Flamboyant back packs and hairstyles will attract the wrong sort of attention and you cannot realistically expect school to manage every interaction he has - even if they pick up a few bullies, it sounds like it's part of a wider problem at his school.

Has he ever watched Glee? I think it deals with bullying of sensitive kids well.

Anyone dares hurt my boy and I'd go Hunger Games on their sorry little backsides.

How, when you don’t know who they even are?

It’s nice isn’t it, to think that your love for your son can transcend practicalities like the identifies of the bullies and actually getting to the bullies and what ‘going Hunger Games’ actually would look like. Because assuming you’re not going to resort to violence, being confronted with an angry mum isn’t going to strike fear into the hearts of your average teenager. It would make them laugh.

I feel sorry for your son and the school sound like they're not stepping up to deal with this.

I would be having meetings and asking lots of awkward questions like 'how are you going to ensure his safety while he's in your care? What are you doing to investigate/ gather evidence? ' . Keep pushing back, keep asking what they're going to do, don't let them off the hook if they effectively say 'nothing' . Write minutes, circulate to everyone, if they don't take action, escalate to the Trust if the school is part of one, and /or governors.

I agree that the backpack was simply inviting trouble though. Yes, that shouldn't be the case - but it is, that's the world we live in. I imagine you'd get teased for that in primary school, let alone secondary!

Equating kids 'expressing themselves' with the battle for women's rights is nuts. Women did not come through that unscathed. They were injured, assaulted and died.No need to turn the poor kid's difficult school experience into some kind of political struggle ffs, he's got enough problems already! Focus should be on how to get him through the next few years with minimum trauma, not on making him feel like he has to stand out to make mum proud.

Changing his bag doesn't mean changing 'who he is' - lots of hyperbole here. Its a bag. Not his entire personality.

I hope it gets better.

Absolutely get him the bag and the haircut.

ds who is in year 10 now says that the bullies at his school will say things like ‘that’s such a nice bag’ so that the teachers can’t tell them off for saying something mean but the other kids know it’s not meant nicely.

is there a school that would be a better fit for him? I’m not in the UK but there are definitely certain type of schools that are a better fit for kids who don’t conform here.

The bag is babyish. It would be shunned by my DD. So I see it’s making him a bit of an obvious target. I’d buy him whatever he wants and let him get his hair cut but tell him you love his taste and that is perfect as he is. The school doesn’t sound like they do a good enough job on bullying. Write a letters that details the instances and reflects their bullying policy language.

But really a school where all the kids have the same hair cut doesn’t sound like the school for him. For people saying what do you expect the school to do, I think there are schools that put focus and effort into creating a culture of inclusivity and belonging and that this prevents this type of thing.

I also didn’t go to school here and am surprised by the assumption most UK people have that secondary school is by its nature a vicious environment to be endured. They’re right, of course, about uk schools but it’s awful! My DS also being bullied (he’s autistic and an easy target) but the school are being proactive. I hope things improve for your son soon.

School staff don’t have to directly witness something to make some level of judgement about what’s happening and identify some of the people involved. An effective investigation will involve statements from onlookers and reviewing CCTV. Someone, somewhere will have seen something and some kids (most kids are nice and hate seeing bullying) will name those involved. I find it highly unlikely that the school cannot find anything substantial enough to be evidence given that you’ve said it’s happened on multiple occasions. Also, it’s irrelevant if they can’t identify every perpetrator immediately. Even if they can only identify one, they start with that one and then the message starts to get out. Pull at the thread and it will begin to unravel.

I’m so sorry for your son. How wonderful that he has such a strong sense of himself, which will certainly be an asset as he grows up. Nonetheless, this kind of behaviour is appalling and should have been dealt with rapidly and before it got out of hand with children jumping on the bandwagon. This is when someone is at risk of becoming a general target as opposed to experiencing a few unkind comments that are then dropped.

Go through the anti-bullying policy line by line. Make clear notes on every incident and gather names from your son of perpetrators and potential witnesses. Send this information to the school, highlighting where they have failed to meet their policy (assuming this is the case) and noting the dates and content of all contact so far.

Communicate everything in writing from now on. Follow up any phone contact with an email - “As per our call, I’m noting that you agreed that the next steps you will take are X, Y and Z and you agreed to update me by [DATE]. Include a senior leader in your communications. Ask that the key updates come from a senior leader - stop going through the form tutor because this has escalated to a level of seriousness that is beyond their remit.

Also get the school complaints policy. I would make a complaint immediately because to my mind (as someone who worked as a senior leader in schools for a long time and has seen this sort of thing more times that I care to recall) it has already gone too far.

If you continue to get a poor response, contact the chair of governors or trustees.

Also, your son has been assaulted in school. Every child has a right to feel safe in school. If you wish, you can call the police. I would consider this but it’s up to you and your son, and you may want to see how the school responds. In my experience, police involvement sends a message to all but the most hardened.

Keeping following up in writing (daily if necessary) until you get to some sort of resolution. Work with them but don’t be afraid to be a thorn in their side until things improve. The school should be doing three things immediately:

1. Putting in place a safety plan (call it this in your communications) for your son. This doesn’t need to be known by other students but will include things like staff being aware to keep an eye out for him, arrangements for transitioning between lessons, making sure he’s safe arriving at and leaving school.
2. Immediately and thoroughly investigating.
3. Providing wraparound support for your son - e.g. opportunities to check in with the school wellbeing lead.

Bullying is difficult to address and often done in a hidden way. Nonetheless, experienced staff will know how to conduct a thorough investigation and the reality is that most of the students involved will be ‘hangers on’ who, with the right approach, will share some information and will be fairly easy to persuade to stop. Those are the kids who know it’s wrong and probably feel a bit uneasy about it, and need telling and consequences.

That leaves dealing with the ringleaders. That can be more difficult but again a good school will have clear and proportionate consequences, plus should also do some pastoral work with those students individually to help them think through their choices, what drove them and why they are wrong.

Good luck with this. I am angry on your behalf. Check back in if we can help any further.

yeah, id definitely get him the bag, and the haircut. Even my 8yo dd would think that bag is "baby-ish", sorry. When in Rome... and all that. I hope things get easier for your son OP xx

Teachers also know it’s not meant nicely and it can be addressed (and absolutely should be!).

Get him a different bag. High school
is brutal.

I’m so sorry for your son. What a bunch of boring horrids he goes to school with.

Tell him in less than 10 years, everything he wants to express about himself will be genuinely celebrated. But right now he’s surrounded by people that are too immature and insecure to tolerate anyone even slightly more interesting or confident doing their own thing. It’s very sad, but it’s them not him.

For now, if he wants to “fit in” he can try - but it might already be too late, and you might have a long road ahead 💐

My ds went through the same, it led to him becoming a persistent school refuser. Like your ds he is quite feminine ( he is gay) he had a terrible time including having his brand new backpack straps cut by one boy, his property damaged, him suffering a head injury. I complained to his head of year & got nowhere, they blamed ds for being different, I ended up contacting my MP who put a rocket up the school & I got a meeting with the Headmaster but still nothing changed. At the beginning of Y10 ds finally found his own tribe, all the kids who had been bullied for being different joined together, many of them are gay or trans but they stuck together & are still friends at 22, one girl who is ds best friend was a witness when he got married. Please keep on fighting for your ds, contact the Head, the governors or even your MP if need be, quote the anti bullying section from the school's website & don't let the school ignore what is happening.

What WERE you thinking with the bag ?!!