12yo DS getting bullied and school not doing anything

[DarkDusk]

DS is 12 and in year 7. He has always been a very confident child, quite loud and chatty, funny, very expressive and he has never really cared what other people think of him. He is quite camp/feminine in the way he talks and moves and has always been like that. He loves singing, pop music, drama and musical theatre, does his skincare, likes doing his hair etc. He is very determined and can be quite stubborn.

He was at a really small village primary, there were only about 18 children in his year and most of them had been together since reception. He had a good group of friends there and was generally very happy. He did get the odd comment about being “girly” but it was never anything like this and he was comfortable being himself.

When he started secondary he was actually really excited. He was adamant he didn’t want one of the Nike bags or a plain black backpack like loads of the boys have. He chose this: https://uk.justhype.com/products/hype-unisex-multi-pastel-prints-badge-backpack

At first it was mainly boys in his year making comments about the bag but it has spread beyond that now. There are older boys who have started joining in as well, including some year 8 and 9 boys apparently. DS says they see him around school and make comments about the bag, call it a girls bag, ask if it belongs to his sister, call him gay etc. Some of them don’t even know him. They’ve just picked up on what the other boys are doing.

And it isn’t really just the bag anymore. They make comments about the way he talks and copy his voice, take the piss out of the way he walks and moves his hands, call him names because he is feminine and make comments about the things he likes. He says they will see him and start doing the voice or saying things like “here he comes” and laughing. One of them apparently took a photo of him with the bag and sent it round a group chat. I haven’t seen the photo or the group chat myself so I can only go on what DS has told me but DS isn’t in it

He has also told me they make comments when they are getting changed for PE, including things about him being gay and comments about his body and appearance. He doesn’t want to repeat everything they’ve said and I don’t want to keep pushing him for details, but it is clearly more than boys just saying they don’t like his bag. They seem to have decided he is an easy target because he is different to them.

The school have been pretty useless tbh. I’ve spoken to his form tutor and head of year more than once and every time it comes back to “we have no evidence” and that they can’t take action based on what DS says happened. They say they will keep an eye on things but DS says the same boys are still doing it. I understand they can’t punish a child for something they haven’t witnessed but surely they can actually do something when a child is repeatedly naming the same boys and describing the same behaviour? Especially when it isn’t one incident and now seems to involve older pupils too.

On Friday one of them shoved him into a locker after another comment about his bag. He wasn’t hurt but came home absolutely raging and said he can deal with them himself. He is still very confident and keeps telling me he isn’t scared of them, which is him, but I’ve noticed other things. He now wants a plain black school bag even though he was so adamant he didn’t want one before. He has also decided he wants his hair cut. He showed me a picture on his phone and it is basically the haircut most of the boys at his school have. He normally loves doing his hair and has never cared about having the same haircut as everyone else, so this has really bothered me.

I think he is starting to work out that if he looks and acts more like the other boys they might leave him alone. That makes me really sad because there was absolutely nothing wrong with him before.

His dad thinks he needs to stand up for himself and has even suggested boxing. I don’t agree with that. I don’t want DS hitting someone and then being the one who gets punished or excluded, especially when the school already seems to be doing very little.

I don’t know whether to just keep pushing the school or go above head of year and make a formal complaint. And do I let him get the black bag and have the haircut if that’s what he wants? I don’t want to make a huge thing of the bag and tell him he has to keep it, because ultimately it’s just a bag, but I also don’t want him thinking he has to change himself to stop other people picking on him.

Im sorry for what your DS is going through.

What does the school’s anti bullying policy say? And are the schools following it? Same with behaviour policy. Everything goes back to the policy - why are they not following it / how are they ensuring your DS feels safe.

Does your DS have friends at the school? Can he change forms and lessons to be round them? Might encourage them to leave him alone. Or provide ‘witnesses’ for evidence.

❤️❤️❤️ let him know that it isn’t going to be this awful stage forever. I would keep pushing the school as it is bullying and they have a responsibility for the welfare of the students. Get him the black bag for now so he can mix up depending how he feels, let him get his hair cut it’ll grow back and the bully’s will give him a rest. I do think martial arts are actually a great way to build mental and physically resilience but it’s completely up to him if he wanted to do it, most are for defence.

Honestly, I'd let him get the bag and the haircut. The other pupils sound like arseholes and it's such a shame that it comes to needing to fly under the radar, but sometimes it does. The school should really be doing more though, they sound really wet. Does he still have friends at the school, OP, and are they sticking up for him?

I have actually looked at the anti bullying policy and it says they should investigate reports of bullying, speak to the pupils involved and take action to stop it continuing. It also says they should make sure the child being bullied is supported and feels safe in school. The behaviour policy says physical aggression, homophobic comments and harassment are not tolerated either.

This is what I keep going back to with them because I don’t understand how “we have no evidence” means they don’t have to do anything. I’m not asking them to automatically punish anyone, but surely they should be investigating it properly and putting things in place to keep him safe while they do.

He does have friends at school but not really the sort of friends who are with him all day. Most of his primary school friends went to the grammar school or private school. He was the only one from his primary who went to this secondary.

There are loads of kids from one of the big local primaries at his school and they all already know each other, so there are big groups of them who have come in together. DS obviously doesn’t have that because his primary was tiny. He has made a couple of friends but they aren’t necessarily with him when these boys are making comments, and he doesn’t want to make a big deal of it in front of them either.

I might ask about changing forms/lessons though.

Look, I know this is not the ‘correct’ response but what the hell were you thinking!? Might as well have sent him into the arena with a spear against a pride of lions while you’re at it!

I agree. Secondary school is definitely not the place to be "different".

It's probably too late now to take the target off his back but buy the bag and let him get his hair cut.

My dc went through similar but at primary.

i think your dc was actually quite lucky that he was accepted in his primary. My dc learnt pretty quickly to fit in at primary.

f you don’t fit within a fairly narrow set of social rules at school you will generally by bullied.

school will probably start doing something about it when it gets violent (it most likely will get violent).

I’d suggest buying your dc the bag and other stuff he wants. I also started my dc with martial arts lessons and we agreed he wouldn’t hit first but if someone hit him he was allowed to defend himself.

my dc was a lot younger though so a couple of incidents on the football field when no-one was watching were enough to scare off the bullies.

teens are a lot physically bigger and it’s harder for technique to make up for the sheer physical power older teens have. But your husband has the right idea.

my dc continued with martial arts up until black belt at age 17 and honestly it does discourage bullies.

I did ask him if he was sure but he’s determined and said he was and didn’t care what anyone thought

I’ll second the idea of martial arts. I did Brazilian jujitsu for a while (and miss it terribly) and it really helps you carry yourself differently. Just having the knowledge that you theoretically could get someone to the floor and choke them or snap a limb is really helpful. Plus he’d get to know a whole different cohort of people.

Secondary school is hard - but it’s a good time to learn that it’s possible to have different versions of yourself for different contexts. We can’t all be exactly who we want to be at all times in life, sadly.

I’ve had 3 kids go through secondary, one determined to be like nobody else. I advised her against some of her crazier choices, she did some stuff anyway, eventually conformed and had a better time for it. Speaking to her now, as an adult, she realises that she could have saved herself a lot of bother.

Bullying is obviously not on, so deal with that, but if it were my son and he was saying he wanted the haircut and the bag that everyone else has, I’d be encouraging him, not feeling sad, because as an adult I have the perspective to see what will give him a better experience over the next 5 years.

Yes, I get that is what he said.

But you went to secondary school yourself? You must have known you were putting a massive target on his back.

But it is done now and I do think toning it down a bit generally would be best. IME, 10-14 is the worst age to stand out. Post y9, differences start to be celebrated and accepted a bit more. Y7 is really a bad age to stand out!

Yes but he doesn’t know what it will feel like when they react as they inevitably will. He has never experienced it before. That’s where you come in as a a parent and make the right choice.

In my experience, schools don't really do anything about bullying, regardless of what the anti-bullying policy says.

I would either move him to a more tolerant school (I found that the nearest Catholic school was much more accepting, and a lot of people who had been bullied at my school ended up there) or, if possible, home educate, but I realise that isn't always possible. I just find that the home-educated children that I've worked with tend to be much happier to be themselves, because they've been allowed to be, and not forced to conform during the horrors of high school. Even if he does try to conform, it won't make him happy, as he'll be desperately trying to be someone that he isn't. (I've been there and done that, and realised that I prefer to be myself).

My heart breaks for your son and thinking back to how horrible teenage children can be. Secondary school can be a rotten time for so many. I really hope he finds his feet and his circle that back him up 🩵 the school really do need to intervene though. That is a lot of separate examples and if it were my child I’d be beside myself x

My heart breaks for your son and thinking back to how horrible teenage children can be. Secondary school can be a rotten time for so many. I really hope he finds his feet and his circle that back him up 🩵 the school really do need to intervene though. That is a lot of separate examples and if it were my child I’d be beside myself x

Teenagers can be vile.
I am still shocked by some of the comments and hatred shown to pupils, even after 18 years.
Even if it’s wrong, it happens.
Schools can play a part to try and prevent bullying, but most happens out of school.
Unless a pupil is very strong, avoid anything which makes them a target. Your son should be able to choose any flipping back pack, but he has made himself a target.

He has experienced rudeness in the past but he takes it in his stride because he’s usually so confident

I didn’t go to school here in the uk so no I didn’t know about what secondary schools were like. I did warn him against it and mentioned him having a back others have purely from seeing them walking to school before he started but he was determined and I didn’t feel like I should stop him if he was so determined because it was basically telling him he has to change

Escalate to the deputy head for pastoral. Keep a written record of everything.

It sounds awful and he is just a little year 7 and it is completely unacceptable!
Having said that, yes, I would get him the black bag pronto and let him cut his hair. Keep the other bag for clubs at the weekend etc.

You have to write a physical letter and sign it detailing bullying incidents with dates and names. Your DS needs to keep a diary of incidents.

Thats what they need as evidence- a report of bullying.

You can’t do it by talking. In the letter make sure to mention if they do not reply with a meeting and plan of action, you will be involving the local authority/academy governing board and OFSTED.

Then send a new letter every month with that month’s bullying incidents until it is resolved or you pull him out and change schools. If it’s never resolved, follow through on sending the entire dossier to the local authority/academy and OFSTED.

The problem with this type of bullying is that it’s so difficult to pinpoint a perpetrator because generally there isn’t one.

It’s unlikely the OPs DS will know everyone’s names, especially if they are in different year groups, and the other problem is when there’s a large group of them taunting and generally being intimidating it’s hard to define who said and did what. So you might be able to say ‘Alfie Jones in Y8 pushed me’ but actually that’s the least of the problem.

I really do sympathise as it’s hard going up into year 7, and even for the most conforming child out there it comes as a shock to the system.

We can talk the talk and say that everyone is different and we celebrate this and bullying is wrong which it is but in the real world - just swap the bag and get a haircut and it will hopefully die down.

Secondary school is brutal.
It is sad he has had to discover this the hard way and it is making him change who he is.
I think you need to be that parent and contact the tutor/head of house and point out their policy to them.
From what I have been told once they are in year 8 things settle down and the conformity drops off and more kids start having bags they like rather than the generic Nike bag. I think year 7 is about fitting in and I guess playing a role.

TBH of the school is doing restorative justice there is little to no point.

I would go on Monday with everything listed and say you will wait to speak to the head or most senior person that day. You could then escalate to the chair of governors. It’s shocking that this hasn’t been addressed.