I feel we chose the wrong school - yr7

[SENmummessedup]

Sorry if this is long...

My DS is 11 and started secondary school earlier this month. He is autistic but high functioning and has slow processing - very intelligent though. Very active and loves sports.

His private primary school very much encouraged us to apply to his current school, we looked at other, bigger, more competitive schools but because of his diagnosis he didn't get a place (one school told us not to bother applying, another we applied and he passed the exam but failed the interview).

it is a small mainstream private school.

So far his new school has been just ok. It's really not what we wanted for our son. It isn't close to our house so he has over an hour on a coach to get there (he leaves at 7am, home at 5.30-6 depending on traffic and 7pm on a club night). The sport facilities are shoddy, clubs are always cancelled or changed (my son signed up for football but they changed it to basketball which he doesn't like). Some of his teachers are off sick so subjects are being covered - eg geography being covered by a history teacher. He is bored as the academic level is not high. He has an academic scholarship and they made much of how he would be pushed but I have seen no sign of that yet.

The big selling point was pastoral care. We got a new EP report at the beginning of year 6 to support the transition to secondary school. We shared the report with all the schools we applied for - it suggested a buddy from an older year for the first few weeks. The school said they did that for all new pupils- it hasn't happened.

I called the SENCo the first week and she suggested my husband and I come in to discuss - still waiting for that appointment to be made.

My son has not settled. There are a lot of SEN needs there, which is fine but it doesn't automatically mean all the autistic kids are the same. He knows one other child there and I can see why my son struggles with him- he had a day off sick last week just because he couldn't face another day with this kid.

My son is desperate just to be treated as a "normal" kid. He really wanted to go to one of the schools that his friends from primary went to but because of his diagnosis he was rejected.

Anyway, they had their open day this weekend and my son had to go in to help with that. As it is a long way to drive I stayed for the open day. It was deeply mediocre. My eyes have been opened to the fact that what they say is not what actually happens. It is all lip service.

Not even sure what we can do at this point. I always knew it wouldn't necessarily be plain sailing but this is pretty dire. I know it has only been a few weeks and I appreciate we need to give it more time but I also feel we need a plan. I am really trying not to be pushy with the school.

His name is down at our preferred local state school and at last count he was 14th on the list. I don't trust that this would be right for him either and we really don't have any other options.

I guess it is normal to feel this way? I feel we have massively failed my son.

Please don't be so hard on yourself—you definitely haven't failed him! Honestly, looking at everything you’ve done—getting the EP report, sitting the exams, winning a scholarship, and now dealing with that horrific commute—it’s obvious how much you care and how hard you’ve fought for him. You didn't make a bad choice; you made the best decision you could with the options you had. Just because he isn't getting the best care right now and things are falling below your expectations doesn't mean he won't thrive eventually—and that’s what really counts. He’s obviously super bright, and as you said, the school is still OK overall. It's still too early to reach a final verdict, so try to give it a bit of time. In the meantime, try to stay positive with your son and keep his morale high—I really hope things turn around once he finds his feet!

If it's Mount House School - I don't blame you. It's very mediocre and the pastoral care is complete smoke and mirrors. Having said that, my kid came out with good GCSEs from there. I would definitely look elsewhere though. If you switch now or in Y8, there will be no disruption to his education and he will settle in quickly.

wow I thought you were going to say you didnt like whatever state school he is at but presuming yuo're paying, I'm not surprised you're disappointed. You haven't failed him though, you've tried your best and unfortunately thus far its not been the best decision.

I think hold out for the good state option but keep him where he is for now, he might settle. I know a few kids at different high schools who hated the first term or so but settled around half way through year 7 and eventually changed their minds when places at the first choice schools eventually came .

Switching schools in Y8 isn't really an easy option for OP's son, considering how other private schools turned him away because of his diagnosis.

You haven't failed him. You made the best choice you could with the information available. I would consider other options. If you're paying for private and sports clubs are being cancelled and he's not being academically challenged, I would be pretty annoyed. The state school may be better than you think. Anecdotally, I've heard that SEN provision can be better at state than private. My eldest went to a grammar school with several high achieving SEN kids in her year.

If you post the area where the schools is, people on here may be able to give suggestions for other private schools. I would also keep chasing the state school every week so they know you're still interested.

Private! My god move him

If you have no other options then there is nothing you can do about sending him to a different school. Other than move.

You can start following things up with the school he is at though. Ask them about the buddies and the extra curriculars. I once worked for a private school that was a load of smoke and mirrors, it’s an outrageous situation that schools can get paying customers through the door and then people are trapped because they don’t want to disrupt their children.

On that note, DD attended an open day for a state school (grammar) recently and thought it was miles better than her current all-through private school! I was equally impressed with it. The buildings might look less fancy, but that’s certainly not what really matters when it comes to a great education.

There must be many private schools who will take a highly academic child even with any SEN diagnosis, especially as most private schools cannot afford to be too selective nowadays.

You're not failing him - you made the best decision you could with the information you had at the time. You couldn't have predicted that the private school you picked wouldn't live up to their promises. I'm not surprised you are disappointed. I would look at other options. I know you said he was 14th in the waiting list for your preferred state option, but are there any other state options which would be better than the current school? Could you cast the net wider geographically for private school options? Would you consider flexi boarding? (where you drop him off Monday and collect him Friday) I know that's not ideal but it might be worth it for a much better school with good club provision.

Stay on the waiting list for your preferred school. At no 14 you are very likely to get a place. Many parents will choose not to take up the place they get offered because they won’t want to move their DC once they’ve settle into their second choice school. The longer Y7 goes on the fewer parents will want to move their DC. At my sons school boys joined and left all through Y7. It’s also possible that over time your DS settles. It’s unlikely that by the end of Y7 this issues isn’t resolved on way or the other.

Even just not having that long commute each day would make State a better option. Realise I am biased as State schools in our area are pretty good (and were brilliant for our children, just left). But a commute that length is tiring for an adult, never mind a child. Having the State school on our doorstep meant they made friends to hand & could be more independent, more time for sport/art etc inside and outside school. Really what makes an enormous difference with school is if they are happy and have good friends. I appreciate there is SEN in the mix, but state provision can be perhaps better than you are witnessing at current private school. Is it worth checking out the other State schools as well or are they definitely not an option?

If you give the general area your family is based, MN can give practical focus suggestions. SE London, Manchester etc.

I assume he doesn’t have an EHCP. Given you have up to date reports it wouldn’t hurt to apply for one although you may need to appeal. Although it may take a while but a state place is down the line anyway and you will be able to name the state school you want and they will have to take him,

I don't want to out myself/ the school but if it helps we are in zone 2 London and the school he goes to currently is on the outskirts of London.

We will give it more time, obviously. I called the school today and have a meeting set up with the SENCo next week which feels like a positive step.

The state school has a very good reputation for SEN support and I am happy to wait. We have bubbled around 14-20 on the list since March, I did appeal but it failed (I am not surprised, our EP does not say he needs specialist provision just in class support for certain things - extra time to complete tests and help writing down homework). London is weird though, where we live is very transient, people rent near this school and then move away to get a place too. I email the school and LA every week (they then take a week to reply so we are on a weird loop 😂).

Maybe we should just move, no idea where though.

Omg, over an hour on a coach to a school he isn’t even happy? It sounds like you were pressured into this placement. That isn’t your fault.

Are you SW London- London Park School (Clapham South) may be worth a look if so. Or possibly the Thomas’s senior school (Richmond) although I don’t know much about that one.

State wise - If you are 14-20 on the wait list at this stage in term I wouldn’t expect that much further movement any time soon tbh. You can also go on WL for other state schools too, it may be worth putting him down for several as it’s such chance where gets spaces opening.

A bit drastic but how open are you to moving? May be worth looking at/applying for schools in other areas and moving accordingly if that’s feasible at all.

Alternatively could you look at online schools for awhile - would this suit DS?

What would you LA offer you state wise?

It seems completely mad for your child to be unhappy at school but for you to be paying through the nose for that. And I wouldn't dream of an hour's coach commute to add in to it too.

I fear you may be wasting your money on the current private school.

According to research by UCL ( University College London) and the Sutton Trust, Comprehensive School students do virtually just as well as students at Grammars of similar ability, at A level.
Also students of lower ability do better at Comprehensives than students at Secondary Mods.
Even more interestingly, state Comprehensive School students do better than students from Grammars at University and post Graduate levels.

This is a good starting point with suggestions, other schools maybe to check out is Wetherby Senior (boys), St. James (boys), Wetherby Pembridge a coed new school in Olympia.

One hour by coach with early start and late finish is quite a lot and this is before it gets to the dark winter months. Friends found the use of school coaches seems efficient and convenient but it worth checking if there are a lot of stops and pick up on the routes.
Also, factor homework and revision time in later years.

In London you have plenty of choice of non-selective private schools, not all of them are rubbish. If he's doing one hour commute anyway, why not look into other private schools within this distance? You could move mid-year, I guess quite a few of non-selective PS are now desperate for pupils. 14th on WL may take a very long time to move, there is no point in wasting money on the rubbish school in the meantime.

Having said that, the first weeks of y7 can be quite chaotic anywhere so maybe it's just early days. I get the point about SEN support, but what did you find mediocre during the open day?

The SENCo thing has stemmed back a long time - I tried to speak to her before he joined back in the summer but she was leaving and the new person hadn't joined yet. There seems to be very high staff turnover.

The open day, I guess the scales fell from my eyes - when looking around for my son I took in all the spiel about how they get to know each child, that they are a small school but they do all these sports and take part in all these competitions... which is utter rubbish. The kids showing me round were year 11 and deeply unimpressive- could barely speak to me and I felt bad they were being made to do the tours when they really were not comfortable.

EG: They are taking part in an ISA swimming gala but it is up to parents to sort out who is the fastest in each class (you can imagine how that goes 🙄) and take them there and back, the school literally outsources these events to the parents and then puts a photo in their glossy brochure.

They even mentioned transition to secondary school and how easy they make it - they have done none of the things they said. They have an app to communicate with parents - they do but it doesn't work so we get millions of emails, half with spelling mistakes or the wrong date on. Homework is supposed to be set on the app so we can see but it isn't and DS has to write it in an old fashioned homework book (he is unreliable at this). Parents are expected to do a lot, including fundraise for things which I think should be included in the fees. Maybe we were just spoiled by our prep school who covered everything.

We did look at other central schools - someone mentioned London Parks Clapham, we looked at Mayfair but they have zero outdoor space and use Green Park for their playground which just wouldn't suit DS. We were told not to bother with City of London as they wouldn't take him but I have since heard very different reports from parents there. I think we have leant too much on other peoples' advice rather than going on our gut.

I accept we limited ourselves to schools with coaches/ direct bus links as I couldn't imagine sending him off on the tube/ train but he has matured so much over the past year/ 18 months it probably wouldn't be an issue now.

I would be very happy to move but have no links anywhere and have no idea where to even start looking.

“Even more interestingly, state Comprehensive School students do better than students from Grammars at University and post Graduate levels.”

Counterintuitive at first sight, but this result actually makes perfect sense—and it certainly doesn't mean grammar schools have no value. In fact, it proves the opposite.
Grammars provide the scaffolding, high peer expectations, and exam focus that push a student to their absolute limit. A child who might get AAB in a comprehensive can get pushed to AAA at a grammar, opening doors to top universities they wouldn't have reached otherwise.
When researchers compare a grammar student and a comp student with the exact same AAA, they are looking at the end result. To get top grades in a comprehensive without all that extra coaching, a child usually needs exceptional innate drive or talent. Once they get to university and the school scaffolding disappears, those super self-driven comp kids thrive, while grammar kids settle back to their natural baseline.
From a parent's point of view, this actually shows the value of a grammar school: it boosts your child's A-levels and gives them a much better shot at getting into a top university in the first place. And as grammar and comp are both free, it is hard for parents not to prefer grammar schools.