I feel we chose the wrong school - yr7

[SENmummessedup]

Sorry if this is long...

My DS is 11 and started secondary school earlier this month. He is autistic but high functioning and has slow processing - very intelligent though. Very active and loves sports.

His private primary school very much encouraged us to apply to his current school, we looked at other, bigger, more competitive schools but because of his diagnosis he didn't get a place (one school told us not to bother applying, another we applied and he passed the exam but failed the interview).

it is a small mainstream private school.

So far his new school has been just ok. It's really not what we wanted for our son. It isn't close to our house so he has over an hour on a coach to get there (he leaves at 7am, home at 5.30-6 depending on traffic and 7pm on a club night). The sport facilities are shoddy, clubs are always cancelled or changed (my son signed up for football but they changed it to basketball which he doesn't like). Some of his teachers are off sick so subjects are being covered - eg geography being covered by a history teacher. He is bored as the academic level is not high. He has an academic scholarship and they made much of how he would be pushed but I have seen no sign of that yet.

The big selling point was pastoral care. We got a new EP report at the beginning of year 6 to support the transition to secondary school. We shared the report with all the schools we applied for - it suggested a buddy from an older year for the first few weeks. The school said they did that for all new pupils- it hasn't happened.

I called the SENCo the first week and she suggested my husband and I come in to discuss - still waiting for that appointment to be made.

My son has not settled. There are a lot of SEN needs there, which is fine but it doesn't automatically mean all the autistic kids are the same. He knows one other child there and I can see why my son struggles with him- he had a day off sick last week just because he couldn't face another day with this kid.

My son is desperate just to be treated as a "normal" kid. He really wanted to go to one of the schools that his friends from primary went to but because of his diagnosis he was rejected.

Anyway, they had their open day this weekend and my son had to go in to help with that. As it is a long way to drive I stayed for the open day. It was deeply mediocre. My eyes have been opened to the fact that what they say is not what actually happens. It is all lip service.

Not even sure what we can do at this point. I always knew it wouldn't necessarily be plain sailing but this is pretty dire. I know it has only been a few weeks and I appreciate we need to give it more time but I also feel we need a plan. I am really trying not to be pushy with the school.

His name is down at our preferred local state school and at last count he was 14th on the list. I don't trust that this would be right for him either and we really don't have any other options.

I guess it is normal to feel this way? I feel we have massively failed my son.

I think you're absolutely spot on about the ideal being Y7-Y11 at a grammar school and then switching to a state comprehensive for sixth form.

I always say I'd have achieved higher GCSE grades if I'd gone to my local comprehensive (for various reasons, but not least because I'd have continued to have been top of the class and driven by competitiveness... Which went out the window at grammar school when I realised it was futile!) but I wouldn't have had as much of a well-rounded education.

I've also just realised an error - GCSE Russian went from a B to an A* (not an A). Slightly trivial, slightly important distinction!

What you say about those near the bottom of the class definitely resonates with what I saw of my classmates - they absolutely did not have the same view of the grammar school experience as those who didn't struggle so much.

If you are considering moving house then More House School in Frensham might be the perfect place. The nearest town is Farnham, Surrey. From Farnham station you can commute into London Waterloo in less than an hour, if you need to still be able to get to London regularly. It really is an amazing school and sounds like it would suit your son very well. https://morehouseschool.co.uk

gosh I'd be so unimpressed if I was paying for that. My kids go to a state which i'd say is probably slightly above average in the league tables. But at the open day the kids were openly enthusiastic about the school and that really struck a chord and is the absolute opposite of what you're seeing. The school is not perfect especially as it is huge (well over 2000 kids) however by and large the kids seem to be happy to be there and the turnover of teachers seems fairly low. Two fairly small things that mean a lot.

Just to clarify, you mention being on a waiting list for a state school, but if you submitted an application for a state school place, either on time or late, you must be offered one, so did you turn down the place offered? Is your LA paying the fees at the moment? Has your son ever attended a state school?

We turned down the place we were offered and we are on the waiting list for a school we feel would suit our son more (although I thought this school would work too, so who am I to say anymore).

We appealed to get a place in the school we are on the waiting list for and failed. He went to a state school for reception but we moved him for a few reasons, which may also have been down to Covid lockdown. He was lots happier in a smaller school with smaller classes.

We are going to give it a bit more time, we have a meeting with the SENCo next week and a parents evening the week after that. My son seems a bit happier going in so far this week which is something.

Oh and we pay the fees but with a decent discount for his academic scholarship.

Where in London are you? I was going to suggest St Chris in Letchworth. The school bus goes from north London.

I think it's the age old thinking that private is better and it just so isn't.

Many parents believe this mantra and don't actually understand that for a lot of private school they have to operate a model of maximising headcount - a lot of SEN kids go there because they can't get on in mainstream school, councils send SEN kids to local private schools because of this and small schools have limited students so teams become almost impossible. Yes it's lip service - they want your money.

There are some really awful SEN provision schools and some brilliant ones. It's the same with every school.

Grades at our local state school were better than the three local private schools and were within 3% of the grammar schools across the county border - going to state where we are is better.

Change schools. Why have your kid have a sometimes 12 hour day just so they can go to private? He shouldn't be miserable and it very much sounds like you aren't getting your moneys worth.

My husband interviewed with a few private schools and felt the standard of teaching, and general effort put in by the staff (lovely as they were), fell far below what he saw in state comprehensives. He frequently wasn't offered jobs with the reasoning that it would be a step down and he'd get bored because he was used to doing so much and the roles were so small by comparison (at that point, he was SLT and doing things at Trust level but just wanted a standard SLT, Head of Department or Head of Year role in a nice school where he didn't have to deal with the daily shit from some of the comp kids!).

Interesting perspective thank you. There are nice state schools and I do completely understand it depends where you live and the school.

We often have teachers from the local private schools come over as the facilities are better (in their view) and they say the level of behaviour is comparible.

If there isn't a private school that seems to offer more I'd wait and see what provision the school does come up with? It's fairly likely that you'll get a place in your preferred state school given that people do move a lot in London.

It is definitely circumstantial.

I think the biggest difference is that state comprehensives generally have more challenges to overcome so the staff are kept far more on their toes.

And, despite my husband's belief that the teaching standard is generally much better in the (many) state comprehensives he has worked in or with, we would still send our child(ren) to private school (if we could afford it) because the environment is so often much more pleasant.

Agreed and since our local state is better, we choose to save the money and not spend unnecessarily.

Realistically at this point the well known selective schools like City of London will be full. And so will the more sought after state schools. So if you want to
move him, you are looking at the smaller, less selective and/or newly created privates as these are most likely to have space. I know that’s the kind of school he’s at now but they are not all the same, some do a great job of being smaller and make a virtue of it, and some (like your current one) do not.

As you say, he can now handle more transport wise than before, so that will have opened up new options. In your shoes I would start phoning around private schools that are a sensible journey from where you live (Citymapper is great for this), finding out where has spaces, ask a few key questions on the phone eg about high achieving SEN, and then visit a few to make a list of possibles for if things don’t improve.

Can you go back to the prep school head for advice on where might suit and have space if you cast a wider travel net (I mean including public transport, not a longer commute)? They may have useful contacts and inside info.

I don't blame you.

Our local comprehensive failed its last Ofsted on safeguarding so let's see where that goes...

Yeah I guess that will depend on the report - is it mislaid paperwork, or serious concerns about childrens welfare.....

Interesting to note that only some (just under half) private schools get Ofsted and they fail a lot more.....(as of 2025 figures Ofsted website)

Fail Rate / Standard Breaches

• Private Schools (Ofsted Remit): 12% to 17% fail to meet basic legal standards
• State-Funded Schools: ~2% judged "Inadequate" (historical overall grade)

Below "Good" Status

• Private Schools (Ofsted Remit): 17% to 25% are rated "Requires Improvement" or "Inadequate"
• State-Funded Schools: ~10% rated "Requires Improvement" or "Inadequate"

"Good" or "Outstanding"

• Private Schools (Ofsted Remit): 75% to 83% reach this status
• State-Funded Schools: ~90% reach this status

No, this was a genuinely concerning issue as to what the Headteacher and Chair of Governors deemed inappropriate (or not) conduct - things such as boys touching the backsides of girls being waved off as nothing.