Trying not to repeat my parents' reaction to one disappointing GCSE grade

[Lemonthyme]

Oof GCSEs are bringing back some bad memories. Not about results etc I actually did really well but even typing "really well" makes my body react slightly.

Thing is I took 11 GCSEs. (I know. Crazy right?) And this wasn't in the days when that was common, just my school was quite pushy in that way. I got 7As, 3Bs and one D.

And this is the problem and the gut punch when I type "I did really well". See my parents have not allowed me to forget about that D for over 30 years. The Bs they kind of accepted. But that D?

A D to them is "failing".

I went on to get all As at A level, a 1st class degree in a STEM subject (even winning the prize for the best student in that year) and a PhD but in their heads, none of that erases the D.

Fast forward to now and it's only in the last few weeks that I've realised something. I actually got better than predicted grades in English, French and German yet nobody said well done. Nobody. And I've never said "well done" to myself either.

I even type on my CV "10 GCSEs at grade A and B including English and Maths".

I deny this character "flaw".

I hated coursework and loads of GCSEs in the 90s were coursework heavy but the four heaviest subjects in it were the ones I got Bs and that D in. It just didn't suit me. Spectrum that it all is and wary of self diagnosis, I've strongly suspected for some time I have some elements of ADHD (inattentive type, used to be called ADD). My son is very much the same. He thrives in the quiet, distraction free environment of formal exams but hates coursework and questions in classroom settings especially where there are people asking what he thinks are stupid questions.

But all that aside, what really hurts is looking back and seeing how cruel my parents were with me. How can you treat a child who has done that well as "failing" in any way? My Mum spent half an hour ranting at me in the car on the way home from picking up the results. I was sat next to my best friend at the time where she was looking over, sympathetically.

So now? My son has a similar subject he detests and has struggled with on coursework (I wish I'd noticed the similarity before options but I very much let him choose what he wanted to do and this one turned out to be different to what he expected.) While I've tried to help encourage him, come results day it will be a positive surprise if he gets a 6 in it but a 5 is more likely. And I really don't want to be my parents with him. Nothing is guaranteed but he's likely to get at least a couple of 9s in other subjects and I want to focus on the positive. But I still know that there's that little part of me that absorbed all of that stuff from my parents. The relentlessness of it. I just want to get all of that out of my system before results day.

Taken straight from the playbook for the abusive parent, and brimming with toxic positivity. Accountability isn't just for adult offspring and people have no obligation to forgive what the parent won't even acknowledge. Do better.

There’s getting things wrong , and there’s being a bad parent.

As for your last point, it’s not an either /or situation. You can blame someone for something they did , while also taking responsibility for when you fucked up, and trying to be better in both cases.

I know how you feel, OP. I remember coming come from school having got 93% in a French exam in Y7 - it was a posh school and most of the others had been doing French for years whereas I'd been doing it for less than a year. My mum said 'what happened to the other 7%?'

I was absolutely crushed. I was fantastic at languages. Would it have hurt to say 'well done'?

With my own child I have adopted the approach of praising effort. She did really well in exams, and I told her so, but mostly I have only ever said 'as long as you worked hard and did your best I genuinely don't care about the grade' - or the percentage or whatever. And she has a fantastic work ethic now as an adult. That will take her further than any grade in any subject provided the basics are met.

With respect to GCSEs and A Levels, we booked treat experiences as a reward but before the results came out and we told her that we were so proud of how hard she'd worked and how well she had handled the pressure.

On the odd occasion when she has worried about grades or things she wasn't especially good at, apart from pointing out that all I want is for her to do her best and nobody can ask more of you than that, I've also pointed out that in the adult world literally nobody is going to care about a 6 in Spanish or that you are terrible at art if your degree was in Physics and that it simply won't matter in the real world.

Good luck, OP. Just keep focusing on the things that matter. One closer to average grade will matter not one bit in the context of a sheaf of better than average results. If 5 or 6 is the worst grade he's going to get, he's doing great.

@ImImmortalNowBabyDoll What a load of self absorbed crap! Who is mentioning forgiving! Or accountability? Just ignore. Move on. Do your own thing! You have to in the end because you cannot change anything. Do better yourself! What playbook did you read and absorb?

Ah @MeetMeOnTheCorner if only you worked for the NHS so that you could tell people who have mental health problems that if only they just took responsibility for their lives, they'd be well, feel like they could rely on people being there for them in their lives and undo all past harms.

I'd bottle it if I were you. You'd make a fortune.

In the meantime, while I'm sure your comments are well meant and I don't disagree that you cannot change what has happened only what you do next, it doesn't mean that you can instantly fix what has been done and how that compounded with other trauma which I've already shared. In fact it's often a life time's work. One I've already been working on actively for nearly 30 years and this is part of the continuation of that active work.

Mental health and overcoming poor upbringings are not fixable by telling people to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.

So thanks, but if it were that easy, do you not think that I'd have done it?

I know how you feel, OP. I remember coming come from school having got 93% in a French exam in Y7 - it was a posh school and most of the others had been doing French for years whereas I'd been doing it for less than a year. My mum said 'what happened to the other 7%?'

Oh God I do that - it's a joke. (ETA kids 100% know it's a joke and I say well done too).

But also looking for the learning points should be routine, not a sign you've done badly. "I'm really pleased with that, what can I do even better next time?" is the mindset I'd like to encourage.

DS has a tendency to veer between "I'm brilliant, no need to do any work" and "that's too hard for me, no point doing any work". It's not healthy. I'd prefer he starts working while it's still good and before it tips over into too hard won't try.

I think it's the violinist's mindset 😁
No matter how good you are, there is always so much more to improve 😂

Lol uberto, you've got me there 🤣

I don't know if it's any help, OP, but I've always tried to actively be the complete opposite of my mother when it comes to parenting. Different issues to yours, but complex and difficult nonetheless.

I've nurtured the kind of open and honest relationship with my kids that I didn't have with my mother (I don't mention Dad because my parents divorced when I was young, and Mum made sure Dad was kept away from much of my growing years), and occasionally I ask for 'feedback'.

For example- I just asked ds2 (18, doing 4 A levels and an 'easy' kid) if the reactions I've given to his various test/exam results were ok, or did he feel that any of them were a bit off. He thought about it, said they were all fine, and why? So I said that sometimes, how people perceive things is sometimes not how it was meant.

Now don't get me wrong- I don't mention this in reference to how your parents behaved. I mention it because I wonder - have you parented your child(ren) differently to how you mum and dad parented you? Do you have a different kind of relationship with them? If yes (and I suspect that is the answer) then I don't think you should worry about your imagined potential response to a dropped grade.

But if you're still worried- try adopting a 'fuck it' mentality. One dropped grade isn't of any importance in the grand scheme of things. It's what you do after that that counts- as you know only too well. That D doesn't reflect who you are and how incredible your achievements are.

Yes @Shodan I parent my son very differently. Younger than his age I was effectively expected to be a parent to my parents in lots of ways but then absurdly restricted in others.

I'm very different with my son. For example, I wasn't allowed to take the GCSEs I wanted to. I've let him make the decision on these so the GCSE that he's not likely to do as well in was very much his choice, albeit the school changed the course 1 week in then told them about the change when it was too late to switch courses. There's frustration but there's also a bit of learning and growing up in that. That sometimes you make a choice in life and it's not what you expected. But he's persisted anyway and for that I'm really proud of him.

She wasn't joking!! I absolutely would not have minded if it was a joke!

And I bet you tell him how proud of him you are too.

It sounds like you've done so much to overcome the poor upbringing you had. Be proud of yourself as well.

I didn't read it as a joke. Or rather I was subject to similar "jokes" myself from my parents. Which even if they meant them in jest never contained a "...Oh I'm only joking, that's amazing!" follow up comment.

My father used to write little pertinent facts and observations of us into some small note books he had. By the time we were 16 all of us had 2 of these A6 notebooks, filled with his writing and things cut out and stuck in. "What a lovely gesture!" you're thinking. Right?

Wrong. I actually threw mine away in the darkest phase of my depression c. 20 years ago. But I still remember the words. And my siblings still have theirs.

One sibling has written in theirs "GCSEs, what a disappointment!"

I remember in mine the thing that rankled the most was a bizarre 3 page tirade about how my handwriting was ugly. He even carefully drew out the way I wrote the lower case letter "e". I remember this all well. I had tried to explain that our teachers were forcing us to use a specific style of joined up handwriting including writing the e as I was doing. He wouldn't listen and was telling me it was "wrong" and forcing me to do a different style of handwriting practice at home. (The irony being his own handwriting was virtually unreadable to most people apart from us.)

He often used these books as a way of expressing his anger with us. It was bizarre and only recently I recognised they were more of a journal for him (and so more for him than us).

That was one of very many comments in there. Don't get me wrong, there was positive too but the only positive was about academic success including the odd "joke" on "what happened to the 1%?" when I got 99% in maths.

There was never anything positive about me as a person. My worth was tied up only in academia. That was it.

I can really remember the day I threw away those books, even if I can still visualise some of the content. I was in the worst of the PTSD I'd developed as a result of being a crime victim, yet so much of the psychodynamic side of the therapy I was having (I also had EMDR) was focused on my parents and how raising a child to be an academic perfectionist is not setting themselves up for success. You cannot be a "perfect" crime victim. So I was suicidal, in a complete mess and on the spur of it, I took these books and put them into the dustbin which was going to be collected that day.

I watched as the lorry pulled up, then emptied the contents into the back of the truck.

For those of us with PTSD, (and I'm not saying that's what I have in regard to my parents btw) there is a thing called an "anniversary reaction" where cues from a time of year can be triggering of a temporary worsening of symptoms. I think my worry and anxiety about all of this is just a reminder of times when I didn't feel safe or loved as a child.

Thanks everyone who has commented. This is why therapy is a life long journey.

Yep, last night in fact! I bought him some sweets and wrote little notes on them saying I knew it was hard but I'm really proud of how he's put in effort. He gave a huge grin when he got them and then I also told him "It's true! I am so proud of you!"

I'm not like that all the time though. It's easy to get busy and he's such little effort I can forget to give him encouragement.

Therapy should not be life long.

I didn't mean actively seeking therapy is life long. Sorry for the confusion. More that the process of working on your mind is life long, even if you are no longer actively in therapy.

Ah yes, I can't help but remember the ongoing "well done" but tinged with disappointment from my mum. The last one was my degree, a 2:1 but the reaction was "shame it wasn't a first". I'm determined not to repeat it with my DC.