Trying not to repeat my parents' reaction to one disappointing GCSE grade

[Lemonthyme]

Oof GCSEs are bringing back some bad memories. Not about results etc I actually did really well but even typing "really well" makes my body react slightly.

Thing is I took 11 GCSEs. (I know. Crazy right?) And this wasn't in the days when that was common, just my school was quite pushy in that way. I got 7As, 3Bs and one D.

And this is the problem and the gut punch when I type "I did really well". See my parents have not allowed me to forget about that D for over 30 years. The Bs they kind of accepted. But that D?

A D to them is "failing".

I went on to get all As at A level, a 1st class degree in a STEM subject (even winning the prize for the best student in that year) and a PhD but in their heads, none of that erases the D.

Fast forward to now and it's only in the last few weeks that I've realised something. I actually got better than predicted grades in English, French and German yet nobody said well done. Nobody. And I've never said "well done" to myself either.

I even type on my CV "10 GCSEs at grade A and B including English and Maths".

I deny this character "flaw".

I hated coursework and loads of GCSEs in the 90s were coursework heavy but the four heaviest subjects in it were the ones I got Bs and that D in. It just didn't suit me. Spectrum that it all is and wary of self diagnosis, I've strongly suspected for some time I have some elements of ADHD (inattentive type, used to be called ADD). My son is very much the same. He thrives in the quiet, distraction free environment of formal exams but hates coursework and questions in classroom settings especially where there are people asking what he thinks are stupid questions.

But all that aside, what really hurts is looking back and seeing how cruel my parents were with me. How can you treat a child who has done that well as "failing" in any way? My Mum spent half an hour ranting at me in the car on the way home from picking up the results. I was sat next to my best friend at the time where she was looking over, sympathetically.

So now? My son has a similar subject he detests and has struggled with on coursework (I wish I'd noticed the similarity before options but I very much let him choose what he wanted to do and this one turned out to be different to what he expected.) While I've tried to help encourage him, come results day it will be a positive surprise if he gets a 6 in it but a 5 is more likely. And I really don't want to be my parents with him. Nothing is guaranteed but he's likely to get at least a couple of 9s in other subjects and I want to focus on the positive. But I still know that there's that little part of me that absorbed all of that stuff from my parents. The relentlessness of it. I just want to get all of that out of my system before results day.

I got 13 GCSEs, taking more than anyone at my very pushy school, Completely needlessly because I only needed 5 to get on my a level course. My DP had put huge pressure on me, a single C and they said they wouldn’t be proud at all, no matter what the rest were like. a B would they be unhappy and an A was acceptable, a* was ideal.
I got 4 Bs in the end and only a couple of A* and I was devastated.
I remember telling them the results in front of other people and them laughing to other people about how anal I was being to be upset about the Bs as though for 2 years prior we hadn’t been having conversations about what was acceptable to them.
I don’t think they were trying to be cruel, they were just unable to put themselves in my shoes. They wanted the best for me and that’s how they pushed for it, they would stand by that today.
It wasn’t the best parenting, it’s not very informed or emotionally aware parenting and it’s not what I’d like to repeat, but I try to see it as they did the best with what they could and I can do better for my dc.
it’s brilliant that you’re aware so you don’t pass that on and I think that already shows you’re not the same as your parents, you’re thinking about dcs feelings and experience more than your own ego and feelings.

I often try to ask myself what does this mean about me if x happens.
so maybe in your case it would be, if ds doesn’t get the grades you’d like, it shows he doesn’t respect you, or he doesn’t listen to you, or you’re not a good parent or something else, these are just what I think my DP were stressed about. Then I try to work through that idea. Not sure if that works for you but it’s just what I do.
I also try to remove the positive away from the end result, so if my dc tries really hard at something, or concentrates at something, or is really brave, or shows kindness in a difficult situation or whatever else, that’s the success regardless if they achieve the new skill/exam results/winning the race or not. So if for example they got an A* I would obviously say well done, but I would concentrate conversation on how hard they worked, and how they must have been brave in the exam, thought really strategically about their revision, were really creative with their coursework etc

Yeah I've had bags of therapy about my parents. But it still hurts. So much so I feel the need to let you know A*s didn't exist when I did my GCSEs (just in case you thought my 7As were less valuable... I now, it's ridiculous.)

It wasn't the only thing. My Dad is also a serial philanderer. My Mum an alcoholic who I parented through it all, being her counsellor from the age of 13. All they care about is external image. It's not because they wanted the best for me but they wanted to present the best image of them. I was useful to make them look good. They try the same with my son now. My Dad is obsessed with trying to find ways they are alike. So that doesn't work for me and (sorry because I know you weren't to know) grates quite a lot so that in itself is useful information I can use as part of my ongoing recovery.

But you can't help but internalise it all can you?

I ask myself two questions. Firstly, at that age how would I have liked my parents to react? Secondly, now that I am so much older, and a parent myself, how do I think would be the best way to respond to my dc? Because the two are not always the same.

If our dc intend to continue their education beyond school, then neither GCSEs nor A-levels are ends in themselves. Each set are simply needed to get to the next stage.

My dc was always near the top of his class in academic subjects. The same three students(1f 2m) jockeyed for top position in all the subjects they took together. The girl was under immense pressure from her parents to focus on her grades. She and ds both took Music at GCSE, but not at A-level. She played in the school orchestra, but her parents decided that it was an irrelevance if she was not doing A-level Music, and made her drop it. They had also required her to get Distinction in her music exams as a condition of continuing instrument lessons, and stopped her lessons after GCSEs. Again, they were considered irrelevant and a distraction. Ds was the school’s bass guitarist from Y10-Y13, and never sat a single music exam.

She got all As in her A-levels, ds did not. She got into her first choice uni, ds got into his reserve.

They both have Masters degrees, both earn well in the profession of their choice.

She does not know how to relax. Ds keeps a bass next to his WFH desk. They have talked a lot about parental attitudes and work-life balance, a conversation that started when they were 16.

While I've tried to help encourage him, come results day it will be a positive surprise if he gets a 6 in it but a 5 is more likely.

Well for a start, a 6 or a high 5 are an equivalent to an old grade B so nothing like your D. If you want to make it sound more positive (particularly to your parents) then saying 'omg in old money that's all A*-B, how fantastic!'

I think it's human nature to focus on a 'duff' score that doesn't fit with the rest of the trend. If a kid got all 9s and then a 7, the automatic question would be 'what was the 7 in?'. Not because it's bad in itself but because it stands out.

I think it's fine to allow a bit of reflection on the lowest score if he brings it up ('yes, the coursework was tricky for that one wasn't it? But a 5/6 is still a decent grade') so that it's not like you're completely ignoring it out of embarrassment, but reframe it as a positive achievement. I think it's important to say how proud you are overall with how hard that he worked and that it's a really, really good set of grades.

My parents were both academics, so yes, the fact I got a D in an O level despite getting As for everything else was the thing they never stopped going on about. Eventually I told them to shut up, I stopped listening, and laugh about it now. It was in a science subject I couldn’t give a shit about, not something in any way important to my life, lol. My parents in general though weren’t nutters, just really focused on education, whereas your parents op sound like shit parents on steroids which must be so hard to deal with. I’d ignore their crap. Roll your eyes - a lot. And laugh at them. Often.

It’s really easy. “Well done for passing, you can be really proud of what you achieved, I know I am.” If he mentions the lower grade, ask him if he did his best on the day. If the answer is yes, then that’s all he should ask of himself. If he says he could probably have tried harder then he knows what he needs to do next time.

These are their results, not ours. Their disappointment is entirely about them and they will be learning what to do. My tack with my daughter when it came to that level of exam was, these are a step to the next level. If these results get them there, that’s a win. Nobody cares about GCSEs when you get beyond the next step or two.

Two simple things here:

1. Tell him, “We just want you to do your absolute best. We see you working so hard and that’s all we ask of you.” And really mean it.

Honestly, if your child has worked their socks off then the grades are irrelevant.

2. On results day you don’t tell anyone his grades. Just that he has done really well and you are super proud of him.

It’s down to him if he wants to share the finer details with others.

Just say 'oh we don't care about <Design technology> (or whatever) those results are fantastic'

The other general good response to anyone asking is 'DC got what they needed for next steps so we are really pleased' . That works even if they bombed out as you can just change the next step.

Whatever you do will be wrong. I remember my sister getting her respectable two Bs (at a time when a B meant something) and she told Mum she’d failed and Mum said “Never mind, I thought you would” cue massive melt down!
My DD1 was always an A* scholarship pupil so of course I expected her to do well and she did. Didn’t make much fuss about it but DH bought her a present.
DD2 had much more difficulty overall so when she exceeded expectations we were delighted. Of course DD1 commented you never made a fuss like that when I got my (better) results. I said “Of course not, I expected you to do well and would have been cross if you hadn’t!”

All wrong. Hey ho. They just have to get on with it.
Don’t tip toe around it too much and try not to make too big a deal of it. Life is about so much more than teenage exam results.

Just don't make it a big deal, because it isn't. When he gets the results, take him out for dinner/takeaway/whatever and make clear it's to celebrate his hard work.

What do you actually want for him in life? Focus on that. Me, I want my children to be kind, sociable, confident, hardworking, able to financially support themselves and ideally eventually own a modest house. They don't need amazing grades for that. They do need to work hard though, so that's what I'll be praising and rewarding, not the actual grades themselves.

@ShamedBySiri but you absolutely were wrong to treat your daughters so differently! Why shouldn't the one who is academically able receive just as much praise? What a strange way to act.

I recently read an interesting blog from a Dutch woman who celebrated her daughter's first failed exam with an apple pie. Her mother had done the same for her. Failure is normal, we are all human and make mistakes. We can't all be good at everything. The apple pie is to celebrate being a perfectly normal human being, and then to just pick up and carry on as life goes on. I thought it was a lovely idea.
And in case anyone thinks that an apple pie is a bit ordinary, a Dutch appeltaart can be very fancy indeed!

I got my daughters a present to say well done and made sure I gave it to them after the exams, not after the results, so they knew that I was proud of them no matter what.

A 5 is a B. Absolutely nothing wrong with that!

To be accurate, a 5 is a high C / Low B.

But still nothing wrong with it. It is a Level 2 pass.

It's really funny reading the comments because of course I already know what I should do, what I should say and I definitely very much try to do so. I'm not a complete klutz!

What I want to do though is shake off this burden of it all long before results day so something stupid doesn't fall out of my mouth by accident. And also, I suppose so that memories of that day are not as much of a big deal that still feels so upsetting to me now. But that's a more minor thing. Mostly I want to be there for my son in a way that's helpful not harmful.

I’ll never forget my report card (I’m North American) that was all As but one B (French) - my mum looked at my report card and her only comment was, “What went wrong in French?” I was just expected to get all As all the time.

Why don’t you resist that d grade gcse? As it clearly bothers you?
I never got an a star (as they didn’t have them in my day). So i actually went and got one at 45 just as they were being eased out. So I personally knew I could get one (though of course at 45 doibg one subject that was quite easy)

Our approach to GCSEs was to celebrate the effort that went into them, regardless of whether there was lots so we went out for a celebratory meal at the end of the exams and then administered a very general blanket well done at the results.

Parents seem much more invested in results now. I got good results with a D in Physics and I learned more from that D than the rest put together. I fundamentally didn't get physics and I can't fathom what people who got an E wrote to get less marks.

I am a teacher these days and I still recall how baffling I found Physics having found everything else very straightforward and it has been a really useful perspective. Ideally I think as parents we would do well to encourage our kids to do things for themselves not to impress others. Great to work really hard for what you want yourself but detrimental to try and meet the standards of others, as you might perhaps have found out from your experience with your parents.

In the run up to GCSEs I plan to talk to child 3 about them very little unless she has questions but keep up a constant stream of how proud I am of her generally. Her academic achievements are the least of those. I would be horrified if she thought she was doing any of it on my behalf.

Your mental health is much more valuable than your exam credentials in my experience and academic success is just a tiny part of life experience and yet we seem to have made our young people believe it is disproportionately vital. I say that as someone whose job is to contribute to GCSE success. Don't get sucked in to the competitive madness, OP and good luck.

I should think you could say exactly what you've said here to your kid, as a conversation in advance, when there's not the pressure of the results.

There is something particularly difficult about having a child at the same age you where when something difficult or traumatic happened. Regardless of previous therapy, it all come roaring back.
You'll be OK, you are aware of it and you know one bad GCSE will have almost no impact long term. Especially if its something DC doesn't want to study further, DS and I laughed at his abysmal geography result. It was so bad I wondered if hed missed a paper! But he has no interest in continuing it so it doesn't matter.

Because that's not the point. Failure (even if that is a "fail" is part of life. Perfectionism isn't healthy.

Deleting as it mirrored another poster

My dad did the same with maths. I’ve never forgotten that, and vowed never to do the same with my daughter. In fact, she was more bothered by her B in maths than I was about my D.

Id just say 'Brilliant - you've worked hard and done great. I'm really proud of you.' and then ask them what they think.

Don't even get into the detail unless they do - it's not healthy or helpful.

And smile. Just smile at them lots so they can clearly see you're happy.