Trying not to repeat my parents' reaction to one disappointing GCSE grade

[Lemonthyme]

Oof GCSEs are bringing back some bad memories. Not about results etc I actually did really well but even typing "really well" makes my body react slightly.

Thing is I took 11 GCSEs. (I know. Crazy right?) And this wasn't in the days when that was common, just my school was quite pushy in that way. I got 7As, 3Bs and one D.

And this is the problem and the gut punch when I type "I did really well". See my parents have not allowed me to forget about that D for over 30 years. The Bs they kind of accepted. But that D?

A D to them is "failing".

I went on to get all As at A level, a 1st class degree in a STEM subject (even winning the prize for the best student in that year) and a PhD but in their heads, none of that erases the D.

Fast forward to now and it's only in the last few weeks that I've realised something. I actually got better than predicted grades in English, French and German yet nobody said well done. Nobody. And I've never said "well done" to myself either.

I even type on my CV "10 GCSEs at grade A and B including English and Maths".

I deny this character "flaw".

I hated coursework and loads of GCSEs in the 90s were coursework heavy but the four heaviest subjects in it were the ones I got Bs and that D in. It just didn't suit me. Spectrum that it all is and wary of self diagnosis, I've strongly suspected for some time I have some elements of ADHD (inattentive type, used to be called ADD). My son is very much the same. He thrives in the quiet, distraction free environment of formal exams but hates coursework and questions in classroom settings especially where there are people asking what he thinks are stupid questions.

But all that aside, what really hurts is looking back and seeing how cruel my parents were with me. How can you treat a child who has done that well as "failing" in any way? My Mum spent half an hour ranting at me in the car on the way home from picking up the results. I was sat next to my best friend at the time where she was looking over, sympathetically.

So now? My son has a similar subject he detests and has struggled with on coursework (I wish I'd noticed the similarity before options but I very much let him choose what he wanted to do and this one turned out to be different to what he expected.) While I've tried to help encourage him, come results day it will be a positive surprise if he gets a 6 in it but a 5 is more likely. And I really don't want to be my parents with him. Nothing is guaranteed but he's likely to get at least a couple of 9s in other subjects and I want to focus on the positive. But I still know that there's that little part of me that absorbed all of that stuff from my parents. The relentlessness of it. I just want to get all of that out of my system before results day.

Yes I'm sorry if it's not clear, I completely know it's nothing to do with my parenting, nothing to do with my worth etc etc. But that's not how brains work.

So thanks everyone for your helpful advice which is all very good but I'm worried that I'm going to do something unintentionally.

My D was in DT, how did you know 😁

My DC get taken out somewhere nice whatever the results.

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying you expect somebody to do well in their exams. Hopefully he expects the same and if he doesn't then what does he need help with?

Saying that doesn't mean you'll be disappointed if they don't do well except that he'll be disappointed. He's doing the exams for himself not you isn't he. I still say you get that D certificate out and try to reframe it for what it was - a bit less than you wanted. Not the end of the world. Something you did badly in and didn't die and probably helped you in the long run. If you can see it like that about yourself you're not going to be disappointed in less than perfection from him are you? And if you are genuinely not disappointed it wont slip out because it won't be there to slip out.

I did exactly the same i rewarded her because she worked her socks off. She is now doing A levels and obviously forgotten all about GCSES. Its just a stepping stone to the next level. I am sure you won't react like your parents did OP and you will be happy with whatever he achieves.

Oh this brings back memories. My lowest grade at GCSE was an A and that’s all my mother focused on, she was disappointed despite all other subjects being A*.

At A Level I got all As (highest possible grade at that time) and she was disappointed still, because in one of the exams in one of the modules I had achieved a B, but the overall grade for the subject was still A. I remember how depressed she was and the awkward drive home after collecting results.

the fact you are even examining yourself like this OP, I think you will do a better job than other parents.

OP - you aren't your parents -even if you do slip up and say something tactless, you'll explain, apologise and not repeat it.

You prepare yourself for the different reactions you might experience on results day . You have a script prepared in your head ready to say to your child regardless of their results. You remember that you have a chance to break the pattern with your child . You remember that words said in that moment can act as a positive that propels your child into the world with confidence regardless of outcome or you say something which will burden your child for the rest of their life , as you have been .

Don’t forget on the day you are bringing your own messages from your own childhood about your self worth … you have a chance to change this … maybe not for you but for your child to go forward without negative messages about their worth being based on their grades .

OP, you say you have had therapy. I hope you tell yourself, and your little inner child self, how proud you are of them for everything you've achieved, including that D, and how loved and valued you are every day.

I like the idea of putting that D certificate on the wall and looking at it every day and saying "I did my best in my exams, well done me". Kill that demon with love and sunlight.

Unfortunately I was stuck between one parent who thought that results were EVERYTHING (especially "what will people say") and one who told me that being nice was more important than being clever and not to get big headed about results. The outcome was loads of pressure to achieve then zero praise when I actually did. I am trying to learn to praise and recognise myself because I still live with the low self esteem from childhood.

I would definitely agree with celebrating with your child before results and letting them know that you've seen them working hard and that you're proud. Do you think they are mature enough for you to share your dilemma - "I'm worried that I might say the wrong thing, whatever your grades turn out to be. I just want you to know that I love you, I think you are brilliant, I am proud of you and I know that you can achieve whatever you want in life. I will be here in your corner cheering you on."

That is a lovely idea. There so much focus on GCSE and A levels in this country. It is crazy and sad in my opinion.

@Lemonthyme the fact your worrying about it shows you are not your parents and you won’t repeat their mistakes. You are already mapping out things in your head and I believe that as you have done therapy you will already have these inner tools to help you figure things out to avoid replicating any of the damaging relationships you experienced as a child. It just perhaps isn’t quite second nature yet to you but the fact you’re musing over it all shows underneath you are trying.

Revisit the trauma of your childhood hurts a little bit and mother yourself. You sound like a fab mum and the way you describe your son shows you have realised him completely differently from how you were raised. So turn some of that mum love to yourself.

Say well done. Say well done you for the exam results you got, for the support you showed a selfish mum and the loyalty you showed a philandering dad. Say well done for your D. For your work you’ve put in after that. Say well done you’re bloody brilliant for raising a child with your own childhood wounds and doing better each day. Say it until you believe it.

Perhaps revisit some therapy work and consider your current boundaries with your parents. I wonder if they are a little fuzzy still. I am a great believer that a lot of issues come from unresolved loss and trauma AND/OR fuzzy boundaries. Sometimes the two are entwined. Sometimes for the first to be healed the second needs firmed up.

All the very best to your son for his exams and you too. You have got this! (As does he!)

As a parent the grades shouldn't matter. I'm really sorry that your parents were so awful to you. In line with a growth mindset, what matters is praising the efforts. I don't really care how my kids will do, I will be proud of them for their efforts and for trying their best. So my suggestion would be don't comment on the grades at all. Tell him how proud you are of him and all his hard work

Op, you’re aware that how your parents treated you was rubbish parenting. You are aware that if your son gets a grade 5, it doesn’t negate the hard work and effort he’s put in.
On results day you get him some big ‘Well done’ balloons and take him out for dinner to celebrate him, whatever his results. Give him a card with a message telling him he’s an amazing son and you couldn’t be prouder of him. You are aware of your parents’ mistakes so you won’t repeat them.

Thanks all.

I have to admit reading some of your messages I feel a little emotional. @TappingTed true. The boundaries are fuzzy. I limit contact but haven't gone NC. They're elderly now, it seems like there's no point. And it will cause lots of hurt across my siblings. Currently I'm the only one communicating between them at the moment because they've already fallen out. I just don't need any more drama.

Would I prefer to go NC? Yes. 100%. And my parents are completely inappropriate at times. They once called up (my Mum in tears) during work hours because I'd not spoken to them in a week. After that particular lack of "adulting" on their part I sent them an email asking them to behave appropriately and that they may want to seek hobbies and interests if they're finding they're bored or lonely. I can be relatively firm in my response to them but I've not cut them out.

I've booked a day out of work (I work for myself) to do something my son wants to when he's finished. (His choice). But I like the idea of celebrating the end of exams. I might do something silly to do that. He'll roll his eyes at me and shrug anyway but I think secretly he'll like it. Maybe a PS5 online credit voucher, some balloons and sweets (gaming and sugar is pretty much his happy place).

Just say you’ve done brilliantly we are so proud of you and take him out for a nice meal. Talk about all the exciting things he can do at college etc
You don’t need to analyse each subject in detail at all.

OP, please stop giving yourself such a hard time. Your parents failed you, you didn’t fail them ( although abusive parents do seem to find a way of twisting things). They dumped all of their unprocessed emotional baggage onto you. They were damaged people who then harmed you.

Your GCSE results were super by anyone’s standards. Grades aside, I bet you worked really hard and did your best and that deserves a Well Done! You are probably a very conscientious, thoughtful person but bit of a people pleaser?

Stop looking to your flawed parents for approval, they are not worthy of it. Self compassion in buckets loads is required.

I'm with you op.
I found A levels really hard and remember my parents reaction.
I also went on to get a first and uni prize and scholarship. I think I was always trying to prove them wrong

I forgot to say, I was also sponsored through uni and won I think 3 or 4 prizes while I was there. Also achieved it all despite having been the victim of a serious crime in my last year there.

If I saw someone else type all of that, I'd think they were phenomenal. I can't see that in myself though. I feel closer to failure than success and my work career has been more of the former than latter. I've struggled to ever fit in any workplace. I now work for myself because of that.

Suspect we took exams at the same time. I also did General Studies A/O level

I have a similar background to you (I won’t bore you with the details) and the way I try to balance is keeping expectations achievable (some-my mother- would say low ) , talking about options, praising effort and how we move on from stuff. The bottom line being, you are capable of, but if , for whatever reason, things go tits up , we’ll figure it out. Do I still put my foot in it occasionally? Yes, but I’m hoping the other, more frequent conversations, are enough to counterbalance a one off comment. I also try to give myself time to reply by asking her what does she think/how does she feel about x test, asking to have a look at it etc. Just long enough to process and not allow my mother to come out of my mouth.

I think the D isn’t really the issue, if that’s how your parents reacted then I’m guessing they weren’t perhaps the most ideal parents generally. It’s just this one thing has brought it all flooding back. Of course you won’t feel bad if your son doesn’t get top marks, and you won’t make him feel like you did back then. You’re not your parents, but perhaps you’re a better parent because of their poor parenting?

I was always told praise the effort not the achievement. DS's GCSEs no effort went into and I was rather at a loss what to say. He's at risk of finishing school with objectively decent grades and zero independent study skills. I'd much prefer and give higher praise if he had lower grades but had worked hard for them. I'm not sure if he even understands what revision is.

My parents are amusingly opposite. One criticises however well you do, the other praises however badly you do. In the end I didn't pay too much mind to either. Praise from someone who praises everything you do has no value.

I think the C emphsis hurting for me was about underlying things.

Them dismissing my concerns - got E in mock - telling me the subject wasn't a strength or important- language but then focusing on it not the rest where I did well and also being oblivious to the shear amount of work I put in to the one grade which wasn't hidden - I was working in communical area so hardly hiding it.

I do tell the kids I expect them to do well at least at GCSE-- as it's possible for them to do so - well isn't just top marks . Two of mine needed to hear that as with some subjects need a push - often as they didn't like the teacher or subject but if they worked they did get decent grades though sometime they needed more home support to get them.

Beyond A-level it's much more on them - and I say do best and we'll find a way through with them if things don't go well.

We do tend to do things after exam anyway and generally praise effort and have all their childhood.

Sorry, continuing my own line of thought. I think I try to be the sort of critic I like to have. Someone who's more or less judging me by my own standards and will be pleased with something I've worked hard at and disappointed if I've not put the effort in and sympathise if I've put the effort in but it hasn't quite come off this time. And may from time to time give a reality check in either direction if I'm being too self critical or letting too much slide.