Trying not to repeat my parents' reaction to one disappointing GCSE grade

[Lemonthyme]

Oof GCSEs are bringing back some bad memories. Not about results etc I actually did really well but even typing "really well" makes my body react slightly.

Thing is I took 11 GCSEs. (I know. Crazy right?) And this wasn't in the days when that was common, just my school was quite pushy in that way. I got 7As, 3Bs and one D.

And this is the problem and the gut punch when I type "I did really well". See my parents have not allowed me to forget about that D for over 30 years. The Bs they kind of accepted. But that D?

A D to them is "failing".

I went on to get all As at A level, a 1st class degree in a STEM subject (even winning the prize for the best student in that year) and a PhD but in their heads, none of that erases the D.

Fast forward to now and it's only in the last few weeks that I've realised something. I actually got better than predicted grades in English, French and German yet nobody said well done. Nobody. And I've never said "well done" to myself either.

I even type on my CV "10 GCSEs at grade A and B including English and Maths".

I deny this character "flaw".

I hated coursework and loads of GCSEs in the 90s were coursework heavy but the four heaviest subjects in it were the ones I got Bs and that D in. It just didn't suit me. Spectrum that it all is and wary of self diagnosis, I've strongly suspected for some time I have some elements of ADHD (inattentive type, used to be called ADD). My son is very much the same. He thrives in the quiet, distraction free environment of formal exams but hates coursework and questions in classroom settings especially where there are people asking what he thinks are stupid questions.

But all that aside, what really hurts is looking back and seeing how cruel my parents were with me. How can you treat a child who has done that well as "failing" in any way? My Mum spent half an hour ranting at me in the car on the way home from picking up the results. I was sat next to my best friend at the time where she was looking over, sympathetically.

So now? My son has a similar subject he detests and has struggled with on coursework (I wish I'd noticed the similarity before options but I very much let him choose what he wanted to do and this one turned out to be different to what he expected.) While I've tried to help encourage him, come results day it will be a positive surprise if he gets a 6 in it but a 5 is more likely. And I really don't want to be my parents with him. Nothing is guaranteed but he's likely to get at least a couple of 9s in other subjects and I want to focus on the positive. But I still know that there's that little part of me that absorbed all of that stuff from my parents. The relentlessness of it. I just want to get all of that out of my system before results day.

This reminds me of DS1's friend's mum after SATs. DS1 got 115 in maths because he was naturally good at it, didn't work for it at all, his friend got 110, the friend's mum started saying "you should have spent more time working and less time gaming." I felt so sorry for him.

My mother got a first in the days very few women went to university. She also completed a three year BA in two years. She never let me forget it. I got a 2.2 which must have been a huge disappointment to my DPs but they never said anything. It’s never held me back professionally and curiously I’ve never had to specify my grade in applying for jobs. None of this matters in the long run and we should just support and encourage our dc through what are horrendously stressful periods of their lives. If one route is closed off because of poor grades, there will always be another just as rewarding. Just keep a cool head and don’t let exam grades rule their (or our) lives.

I'd take DC learning how to study over DC getting good grades any day. I'm far more impressed by an industrious 6 than a didn't even bother to revise 8.

This!

When you say they haven't let you forget it? How? Do you get a snotty comment every year when there are reports on GCSE results in the news?

If so, please promise yourself that your response this year will be robust. I favour something like "Why don't you just ff off Mum/Dad and stop harping on about an exam I did 30 years ago just because that one poor grade makes you feel better about your own academic achievements?"
Or just "Would you just ff off and leave it alone after 30 years? "

As for your son, "that's a fabulous set of results. I hope you are pleased, I'm thrilled with how hard you've worked and what you've achieved" irrespective of what they actually are.

I firmly believe exam results are like other peoples newborns. They are all beautiful even when they look like a small red potato and no good comes of implying anything else.

The best thing you can do for your son is not to perpetuate the thinking that only straight A's are an acceptable outcome when in actual fact, failure in something in life is part of growing up, learning resilience and having another bash at it if it's necessary.

The fact you still even remember all that about your GCSEs after all this time shows there’s more than “a little bit” of you that absorbed it all from your parents. I’d recommend therapy.