Trying not to repeat my parents' reaction to one disappointing GCSE grade

[Lemonthyme]

Oof GCSEs are bringing back some bad memories. Not about results etc I actually did really well but even typing "really well" makes my body react slightly.

Thing is I took 11 GCSEs. (I know. Crazy right?) And this wasn't in the days when that was common, just my school was quite pushy in that way. I got 7As, 3Bs and one D.

And this is the problem and the gut punch when I type "I did really well". See my parents have not allowed me to forget about that D for over 30 years. The Bs they kind of accepted. But that D?

A D to them is "failing".

I went on to get all As at A level, a 1st class degree in a STEM subject (even winning the prize for the best student in that year) and a PhD but in their heads, none of that erases the D.

Fast forward to now and it's only in the last few weeks that I've realised something. I actually got better than predicted grades in English, French and German yet nobody said well done. Nobody. And I've never said "well done" to myself either.

I even type on my CV "10 GCSEs at grade A and B including English and Maths".

I deny this character "flaw".

I hated coursework and loads of GCSEs in the 90s were coursework heavy but the four heaviest subjects in it were the ones I got Bs and that D in. It just didn't suit me. Spectrum that it all is and wary of self diagnosis, I've strongly suspected for some time I have some elements of ADHD (inattentive type, used to be called ADD). My son is very much the same. He thrives in the quiet, distraction free environment of formal exams but hates coursework and questions in classroom settings especially where there are people asking what he thinks are stupid questions.

But all that aside, what really hurts is looking back and seeing how cruel my parents were with me. How can you treat a child who has done that well as "failing" in any way? My Mum spent half an hour ranting at me in the car on the way home from picking up the results. I was sat next to my best friend at the time where she was looking over, sympathetically.

So now? My son has a similar subject he detests and has struggled with on coursework (I wish I'd noticed the similarity before options but I very much let him choose what he wanted to do and this one turned out to be different to what he expected.) While I've tried to help encourage him, come results day it will be a positive surprise if he gets a 6 in it but a 5 is more likely. And I really don't want to be my parents with him. Nothing is guaranteed but he's likely to get at least a couple of 9s in other subjects and I want to focus on the positive. But I still know that there's that little part of me that absorbed all of that stuff from my parents. The relentlessness of it. I just want to get all of that out of my system before results day.

This reminds me of DS1's friend's mum after SATs. DS1 got 115 in maths because he was naturally good at it, didn't work for it at all, his friend got 110, the friend's mum started saying "you should have spent more time working and less time gaming." I felt so sorry for him.

My mother got a first in the days very few women went to university. She also completed a three year BA in two years. She never let me forget it. I got a 2.2 which must have been a huge disappointment to my DPs but they never said anything. It’s never held me back professionally and curiously I’ve never had to specify my grade in applying for jobs. None of this matters in the long run and we should just support and encourage our dc through what are horrendously stressful periods of their lives. If one route is closed off because of poor grades, there will always be another just as rewarding. Just keep a cool head and don’t let exam grades rule their (or our) lives.

I'd take DC learning how to study over DC getting good grades any day. I'm far more impressed by an industrious 6 than a didn't even bother to revise 8.

This!

When you say they haven't let you forget it? How? Do you get a snotty comment every year when there are reports on GCSE results in the news?

If so, please promise yourself that your response this year will be robust. I favour something like "Why don't you just ff off Mum/Dad and stop harping on about an exam I did 30 years ago just because that one poor grade makes you feel better about your own academic achievements?"
Or just "Would you just ff off and leave it alone after 30 years? "

As for your son, "that's a fabulous set of results. I hope you are pleased, I'm thrilled with how hard you've worked and what you've achieved" irrespective of what they actually are.

I firmly believe exam results are like other peoples newborns. They are all beautiful even when they look like a small red potato and no good comes of implying anything else.

The best thing you can do for your son is not to perpetuate the thinking that only straight A's are an acceptable outcome when in actual fact, failure in something in life is part of growing up, learning resilience and having another bash at it if it's necessary.

The fact you still even remember all that about your GCSEs after all this time shows there’s more than “a little bit” of you that absorbed it all from your parents. I’d recommend therapy.

@Notmyreality As I said. "Yeah I've had bags of therapy about my parents. But it still hurts."

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams If any conversation comes up when I'm present. My Mum would sigh and say something "helpful" like "if only I'd told her that I'd not done half of the coursework" as if she'd have helped in any way.

(Which wasn't true, I had done the coursework, just not well. But she conveniently forgets that at that age, she was getting pissed every night and literally crying on my shoulder about my Dad.)

You're a better person than me. I'd simply say, "If you were ever sober at the time, I might have". But silently mouthing it and vigorously and rudely gesticulating at her behind her back can be therapeutic too. You might want to warn your family though...

There's also the family bingo game you can play with your own family when visiting toxic GP's which is a lot of fun when your children are old enough to play. Laughing at this crap is also a good way to vanquish ghosts of atrocious parenting past.

I got 7 As and 2 As, after being skipped up a year. I'm summer born so I took most of them when I was 14. My parents said they were disappointed and my Mum said to tell people I got "straight As" so as not to draw attention to my lack of s. My English teacher called me in for a meeting to tell me how shocking it was that I didn't get an A* in literature (one of them was in language) and when I said that on the exam day I was dealing with particularly bad hayfever , hadn't slept, and couldn't breathe or see properly, he told me to stop making excuses.

I was then forced into doing 3 sciences at A level, rebelled against doing maths and insisted on English as my 4th, flunked physics at AS level, and ended up with a pitiful B, C and D- the B in English.

I got diagnosed with ADHD when I was 24.

I cannot imagine putting either of my 2 through anything like that, but I know I'll be on edge on results day- not because of the grades my SD will get but because at the back of my mind I'll be waiting for someone to remind me I'm not good enough. It's the shark music.

(Apologies for bold- it was meant to be stars)

Nice idea @TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams . My partner is (now) good at this at laughing at their stupidity. He's lost both parents in the last 10 years and at times I had felt quite unsupported by him. Not his fault but he used to say unhelpful things like "you'll miss them when they're gone".

Eventually about a year ago, pissed off when he'd said this again, I sat him down and talked through everything. All the crap. Now he's starting to see it and with how they and my sisters behaved over Christmas, he's finally now experienced it. He still defends them sometimes, (I get it, the loss of his parents has been raw) but less than he used to. His latest defence was that my parents pushing has been "good for my achievement" but I simply replied "that's not why they did it" and he immediately got what I meant. That my academic success, when I achieved it was something for them to boast about not feel proud of be over.

It is raw and emotional that I also went through trauma in my final year of uni. When I then got a first despite that, my parents seemed to see it as a "oh she's well" sign. So much so they never asked anything about the trauma ever again. It's like academic success is the barometer of everything. Worth, wellbeing, happiness.

Anyway, this week is the practical part of my son's GCSE he hates. I've got him some sweets ready for when he comes home tonight. I've stuck some labels on them saying "I know you don't like the subject... but I'm really proud of the effort you've put in."

Hope that comes across well to him. Because I really am proud of that for him and I think it will be a great learning for resilience in life. Thanks all for helping me see that.

Those aren't pitiful results. x

Not his fault but he used to say unhelpful things like "you'll miss them when they're gone".

You won't I suspect. You'll miss the idea of them, the parents that they never were to you and feel guilty that you don't miss them.

All you can do is

1. break the cycle of it. Consciously which it sounds like you are actively trying very hard to do.
2. minimise how much you subject yourself to it and gather the support of your husband and son to have your back when you are. Doesn't have to mean a family argument, just a well timed "let's go for a walk/to the pub/anywhere your family are not" or a hidden funny face, an eye roll or a rude war dance.

Can you ask your parents now, what they reflect on their reaction at the time?

They weren't what I could have got if I'd done what I loved instead of what my Mum loved but didn't have the confidence to do because they were "for boys". Of course, she now denies any of it happened.

All we can do is our best to break the cycle. What you say about them not wanting your success for you is so relatable. My Mum liked to use us to "perform" what a great parent she was and all of our failures and successes she took personally as her own. As you say, it wasn't pride, it was competition. She loved it when her friend's kids had done worse than us, hated it when they'd done better. We determined her perceived place on the social hierarchy. She pushed hard to get me moved up a year, not because it benefitted me but because it looked good to others for her child to be a "genius".

I remember from Y11-Y13 I felt I had no worth at all outside of those capital letters that got sent home once a term, my children will never feel like that. And as a mother, I haven't sunk all of my own self-worth into being a mother so I do not require them to perform success so I can feel successful, and that's because I stopped listening to my parents and stopped following the paths they were pushing me down. I have a life I am happy with and proud of, not the life they wanted and would be proud of.

I believe that we're both breaking the cycle and the fact you've identified how triggering this is for you is progress.

OP, you are a very good parent to be as aware of this as you are. I am sure you will do right by your ds.

I am another 'praise the effort not the outcome'.

When I did my GCSEs and A levels (when God was a lad!) I didn't do very well - as far as school and DM were concerned anyway. GCSE were A, 4 B and 2 C, and A level 2 C and 1 E. They got me where I wanted/needed but my mother decided to concoct a new set of results ( which i took to mean as mine weren't good enough) to tell the neighbours if they asked! My dad and I were expected to remember them and not drop her in it. She also told them I went to a redbrick uni (rather than ex poly). I do wonder if she was ever proud of me. Possibly when I got a 2:1, more likely when I lost about 2 stone and was at my slimmest.

Son has come home. "Treat drawers" are full of his favourite things. Got him some sweets as well and he read the notes. Said to me "I'd had a bad day but feel better now." I told him I meant it, that I really am proud of everything he's done even though he hated the subject.

Feel like a much better parent right now. And he even sounds like he's done some decent work in the sessions. Just till the end of this week then he'll never have to do that subject again. Yay!

My lowest in 95 was a C which is ok however most frustrating that it was English! So i cant leave it off.

My dc is doing art and the school are predicting 4-5 so its probably a mistake… she could have done better on something else but then at least it may be interesting and show a range.

Parenting isn’t a science. Most parents get things wrong. There’s way too
much blame on this thread. Everyone can revisit exams and careers - just pick yourself up and do things differently. Blaming others isn’t helpful. Taking responsibility is.

Yep all true. But also the lasting harms from not having any attention at all except in certain tightly defined and narrow confines can last a very long time. Especially when one parent was an alcoholic and used you as their therapist before and throughout GCSE and A-Level. I've also had a lot of therapy. I'm taking responsibility. I'm also taking responsibility in trying not to repeat those harms.

So thanks for your comment. But if you don't think I'm trying to do exactly that, i.e. taking responsibility, then please clarify what taking responsibility means to you?

Op, your parents were shitheads. Worse than shitheads. I hope you manage to hide very well any similar shithead reactions to your son’s GCSE results.

You are ofc not a shithead. Your parents’ legacy stops with you.

@LemonthymeId say not dwelling on the past or yourself. What’s the point of that now? We all have parents who get things wrong. Move on and support dc! What happened to you happened to
loads of people. How many have had truly fantastic support from parents? I didn’t and neither did DH. Do we now care? No. It’s history and we’ve done things differently. That makes us content and happy. Looking back is negative so moving forward is always best.

These results are not the be all and end all , there is so much time and options to do further education in the future.
This is your child and their results not your parents child and your results ,just do the opposite to what they did to you , actually i think you are overthinking it a bit.
A happy ,healthy and well child is what you should be focusing on.

That's a sad result of pseudo therapies.