Trying not to repeat my parents' reaction to one disappointing GCSE grade

[Lemonthyme]

Oof GCSEs are bringing back some bad memories. Not about results etc I actually did really well but even typing "really well" makes my body react slightly.

Thing is I took 11 GCSEs. (I know. Crazy right?) And this wasn't in the days when that was common, just my school was quite pushy in that way. I got 7As, 3Bs and one D.

And this is the problem and the gut punch when I type "I did really well". See my parents have not allowed me to forget about that D for over 30 years. The Bs they kind of accepted. But that D?

A D to them is "failing".

I went on to get all As at A level, a 1st class degree in a STEM subject (even winning the prize for the best student in that year) and a PhD but in their heads, none of that erases the D.

Fast forward to now and it's only in the last few weeks that I've realised something. I actually got better than predicted grades in English, French and German yet nobody said well done. Nobody. And I've never said "well done" to myself either.

I even type on my CV "10 GCSEs at grade A and B including English and Maths".

I deny this character "flaw".

I hated coursework and loads of GCSEs in the 90s were coursework heavy but the four heaviest subjects in it were the ones I got Bs and that D in. It just didn't suit me. Spectrum that it all is and wary of self diagnosis, I've strongly suspected for some time I have some elements of ADHD (inattentive type, used to be called ADD). My son is very much the same. He thrives in the quiet, distraction free environment of formal exams but hates coursework and questions in classroom settings especially where there are people asking what he thinks are stupid questions.

But all that aside, what really hurts is looking back and seeing how cruel my parents were with me. How can you treat a child who has done that well as "failing" in any way? My Mum spent half an hour ranting at me in the car on the way home from picking up the results. I was sat next to my best friend at the time where she was looking over, sympathetically.

So now? My son has a similar subject he detests and has struggled with on coursework (I wish I'd noticed the similarity before options but I very much let him choose what he wanted to do and this one turned out to be different to what he expected.) While I've tried to help encourage him, come results day it will be a positive surprise if he gets a 6 in it but a 5 is more likely. And I really don't want to be my parents with him. Nothing is guaranteed but he's likely to get at least a couple of 9s in other subjects and I want to focus on the positive. But I still know that there's that little part of me that absorbed all of that stuff from my parents. The relentlessness of it. I just want to get all of that out of my system before results day.

Why did you feel that was necessary?
I'm not sure it's healthy to have to correct the record, healthier to be fine as you are.

Well yes better to accept it but just going on what the original post said -it bothers them and they leave it off their cv. So that is one way to move on if they wanted?

What subject was the D in? Your parents sound like dicks but I'm guessing that D helped you all the way through the rest of your studies. I doubt you did perfectly in everything at all times but you persisted all the way through because you weren't scared of what "failure" (not failure!!!) feels like - you already knew and although it was rubbish you were still alive after it.

So rather than ignoring and denying the D I say you get the certificate out and put it on the wall - nobody gets to the stage of completing a PhD without doing something less well than they wanted. You should thank that D because failing for the first time at PhD level would feel like a fucking disaster if you didn't know you could get through it wouldn't it.

My eldest didn't get straight A's. But I am very proud of him regardless and was delighted for him and cheered him on on exam results day. Because he did his best. He has additional needs and we are just thrilled for him succeeding. He went on to pass his driving test later on. He's a good lad.

Academic success isn't the only type of success.

Sorry op, didn’t mean my answer to be annoying or to say our situations were exactly the same, just that I could sympathise somewhat. I feel a bit of pain when my kids don’t score highest in the class or perform the best out of everyone. 2nd place is first loser and all that mentality. And I assume I’ve failed them by not pushing them, or coaching them enough and that’s about my ego, like you say about your parents.
I know you’ve said you know what to do already though so I suppose there’s not much anyone can say that might help but
it honestly sounds like you’re really conscious of the situation though and so I’m sure you’re doing great.

Gosh some of these stories are shocking.

I agree with those who say @Lemonthyme you should praise his effort, celebrate his grades, and if he says but what about the 5 in XXX – say well I know that you found that one very challenging so that's one of your best grades, as the fact that you got a 5 (C) or a 6 (B) shows how hard you worked.

My Dc all got very different results and we celebrated them individually. Hard agree btw with not telling anyone else their grades. Yes just say "we are really pleased, he did very well" or "he got what he needed to move on to college, which is great".

I cannot believe you said that @ShamedBySiri – so you celebrated your less academic child but not the more academic one? That's really bad. "Whatever you do will be wrong"? well no, if you had praised both for their efforts and their results (instead of saying you would have been cross if one hadn't done well ) then that would have been a lot better.

BTW @Lemonthyme do you really put your GCSEs on your CV? When you have a PhD?

No I know you didn't @Workinggreen . I recognise my reaction is due to my own work I need to do.

Yeah believe it or not @clary people still do expect it. I just put 10 at A and B including English & Maths. Often even very senior jobs have stupid minimum requirements. Not that anyone has asked for certificates in a very long time.

That's interesting. I can't recall if mine are on my CV but I am sure I have seen advice not to include them after a while. I am so old mine are O levels anyway haha

Maybe it's the kind of work I do. I can't remember ever seeing a CV in my industry without them. Irrespective of level.

I was similar I did 10 got all As and A stars and a low C in food tech that I was forced to do and then didn't have a proper teacher for two years just a succession of short term cover, I admit I put no work in at all. My parents just completely laughed it off and just focused on how proud they were of all of my other results. It comes up occasionally now as I'm a pretty decent cook, and my mum will say there's that GCSE showing 😂 . I never included it on any CV. or application I had plenty of other qualifications that no one was going to question it

My father was the same. Treated anything other than an A as a fail, so I 'failed’ two GCSEs and one A level. I studied one of the most highly academic subjects but 'failed' there because I didn't go to Cambridge. Everything I ever achieved was not quite good enough. I dealt with it by going NC in the end as I got so sick of him only wanting bragging rights.

Being academically capable does give a skewed view of 'normal'. My own kids are solidly average students. I work to make sure that I focus on their interest and engagement and letting them follow their own path. I actively make sure not to be like my father. I am more invested in them being good people than their grades.

i went to the school that both my parents taught at.

When I was 14 I got 93% in an end of year exam. I remember it saying something like “An excellent result, eventually, but Idris is too intelligent to take it at face value. An excellent paper 2 had to make up for silly mistakes in paper 1” or something like that. Think I’m came 4th. The fact I still remember that over 35 years later probably means something.

I worry about not living up to other people’s expectations. Even when maybe the expectations are in my head.

I did O levels and got all As except English Lit (B) and Art (D). They were all exams. I do occasionally think about them but everything since has overshadowed them. I'm more bothered that I didn't get a First at uni.
My DS is unlikely to get any GCSEs though he's capable of getting an old style A-C in Maths and probably in Science if they let him do Physics and/or Chemistry but his school don't do those and don't bother teaching him Maths.
He might eventually get Functional Skills in English and/or Digital Skills, but his school is not teaching him anything there either.
DD will probably get a clutch of lower grade GCSEs, most likely English, Drama which she likes, Art if they let her do both, and Technology is probably what she's best at. Maths will be touch and go.
So frankly be glad (as I am) that you have good GCSEs and that your DS also will get good grades. He will have choices of study and work open to him. I don't think my DS school has given any thought to his life after they stop babysitting him.

My (amazing!) dad had a chat with me before the results and said something along the lines of "lots of people get very competitive about results, and that's not nice" and then told me what he was going to say "she did very well, worked very hard and I'm so proud of her" and any chat about specifics he shut down. Because I knew why he was shutting it down, I knew he wasn't ashamed of me, but the silly competitive parents. Not sure if that helps?

My son is starting GCSE s next year and RE is compulsory he hates it and is worried what his result will be.

I’ve just told him to do his best - what I actually want to say but won’t is that I don’t give a fig about a GSCE RE result.

My parents were the same. I too got one D at GCSE time, for Chemistry. When I chose it as an option my mum banged on about how I should choose Biology as I'd done quite well at it previously. Then when I got the D all I heard about was "I told you you should have done Biology blah blah". The As and Bs which were plenty enough to get into the 6th form at grammar school were barely acknowledged.

My mum still mentions the D sometimes and I'm nearly 52 and a partner in a law firm!!!

When my son got his GCSE results and they were enough to do A levels at college I just said well done that's brilliant. I can't actually remember the individual results or even all the subjects (is that bad?) He's now doing finals at uni with a Masters place lined up and I'm really proud and happy for him.

Well done OP, you sounds like you've done amazingly and I'm sure you'll say all the right things for your son.

As long as the D is not in the one subject they are hoping to do at university, who cares?

When I was teaching A-levels and GCSE, we all knew that for one or two of our students, our subject was the third or even lower - they needed to concentrate on subjects that mattered to them.

Honestly, if your child has worked their socks off then the grades are irrelevant.

I see this a lot on here. I don't think this is always a healthy response to a child.

I was the middle child. Stuck (I thought) between #1 who was good at everything (except music) and worked stupidly hard, and #3 who was practically a genius; people held their breath when they spoke about their work...

I was often told that they were proud of me for working hard/doing my best etc.

Firstly I didn't work hard and I didn't do my best, simply because in my head I would never achieve what they had, so I was scared of trying and finding that I was so far off their ability, so I didn't feel I could accept that praise.
Secondly it meant in my head I dismissed my results as not very good.
It was 10 years after my GCSEs when I made a comment to someone and they asked what I got, and what my siblings got, and they looked at me all puzzled and pointed out my results were better - in both number and grades, and A-levels were the same. I honestly hadn't realised until that moment. I'd just assumed without thinking that they had done way better.

So whereas they wanted me to know they were proud of me what I actually heard was, "poor little Margaret, she does her best, but she'll never achieve what they others do. There, there, child, you did really well considering..."
I am certain this wasn't what they wanted or expected me to hear.

There is nothing wrong with praising a child for working hard. But implying the grades don't matter is quite insulting to them. They're not three when they got thrilled with a sticker. They know that grades matter, and it will effect what they do next.

Op, it depends on your dc as to how to work it. It's fine to admit a grade is disappointing if it isn't what they wanted. It's also fine to admit that certain exams/ways of examining suit certain people more. You will get the marks, so you can look at them and say "wow, you got a really high mark on that paper." So focus on what they did well. Work out what top/bottom marks they are aiming for so you can say "look, your prediction for maths was a 6 and you got a 7 - well done!"
And if you do say something that does sound negative, back down and say that came out wrong, and say something positive about something else.

Well first thing you say is well done and then just be pleased for them.

First thing my parents said was never mind about the C - I worked hardest for that C rest all As (before A stars) - and they were clearly astounded I did so well - but it's what I remember most from both of them. Then lots of the C doesn't matter later.

They also wouldn't let me go alone and get them - all the kids either got them via e-mail or went along as they chose. Beyond getting them to the next step the individual grades don't matter - if they expressed disappointed or relived followed their lead otherwise was just pleased.

I so feel you. I did 11 GCSE’s in ‘95 and 3 a-levels in ‘97. All A’s and B’s. But my degree in ‘00 was a 2:2. I still have nightmares to this day that I’ve not finished my degree, or that I’ve failed it and have to retake. Just to say really that I fully understand the anxiety.
The pressure I feel around my son going up to highschool is off the charts, and it all goes back to all this pressure on exams. Just to say really that you’re not alone x

Yeah I took and passed 9 O Levels at top grades and then got a D in General Studies A level. I mean what the hell is general studies anyway? I still studied my chosen subject and yet I was never able to forget that D. And never ever once during all my many studies was I asked if I was happy. My own kids were thoroughly fed up with being asked if they were happy with their course etc. 🙄

I have 6 A*, 2 A, 1 B and a C at GCSEs and coincidentally 4 As at A-level. The C was originally a D and we got it remarked. The reason it's a C is that I had incredibly bad diarrhoea on the day and spent the hour before the exam in the toilet frankly shitting my insides out. I didn't tell the invigilator but just got on with it as I didn't even know where to start and was much too shy to tell anyone. Needless to say the exam was a disaster. My parents were never the type to praise anything either but tbf they never harped on about the C.

This!! It’s not my place to tell anyone my kids’ grades, however good they might be. I find it really strange when people post grades on social media. Not just because it’s irrelevant but I’d hate to make another parent or child feel crap or embarrass my kids (which would apply with high or low grades). Having gone through GCSEs with two kids and another about it to, one through A levels and another about to, as long as they get what they need for the next step that’s ALL that matters. Their mental health is so much more important - of course we encourage to do their best and support but there are no unrealistic expectations or pressure to get certain grades. Their grades are not them. They are hard working, caring, kind people. Having been a grammar school pupil at a very pushy school, that’s not what I wanted for my kids. I could now say how well they’ve done in exams so far but I know no one else actually cares. These threads just end up being brag-fests.

@Lostinmiddleage thanks for that and that's one thing I fear I might do and would hate myself for. I'm not on FB etc so wouldn't do that but I'd have to resist the urge to call my parents. Because even if he does do well across the board I'd feel deep down like I was saying to them, "do you love me now?"

I did say something to my DS yesterday where it was clear I expect him to do well in his exams. It was unconscious and I was kicking myself for it afterwards. He, very wisely, picked me up on it (I'm thankful at least he's a well balanced individual).

So it's all the unconscious stuff I'm really wary of. I genuinely thought I'd done all the work on this already but it's bringing back some crappy stuff.

When I got my O Level results, my mother phoned a couple of relatives who had children getting the results that day.

After she found out their grades she created her own ranking of the grades to compare the three of us and then said I'd done OK.

Some parents at shit parents. Some parents are shit at some bits of parenting.

OP

Whatever grades your son gets they are his, they are what he has earned, they do not reflect on you or your parenting.