Daughter being excluded from prom

[user1471497170]

My daughter is year 11 and sits GCSEs next month. She has struggled throughout the whole of secondary school with friendships, MH/school anxiety, behaviour and approximately a year ago almost got sent to pru. She has never settled in school. However she has made significant improvement, not on any behaviour plan, is revising hard and should pass GCSEs and do her chosen subjects in college.

She has autism, anxiety and some physical health issues that are likely linked. Getting her into school is a struggle as she feels unhappy there but we make the effort and her attendance is good.

Although much improved her behaviour score is not high enough to meet the 90% prom threshold (reminders, uniform points and gokng to toilet when not permitted). She was informally told this week the final decision is that she will be excluded from prom.

Now all the girls have their tickets and she is beside herself. They are all making plans and talking about dresses and she now feels unable to continue going to school due to feeling so distressed about this. She is worried how she will cope with the sense of exclusion having to keep hearing about prom in school and assemblies

She's now at home. I have written to the school and submitted 2 complaints over the last 2 months however I have not received a satisfactory response. There has been no communication to me from the school about their decision or how they will support those excluded. Please can someone advise how I can escalate this further and if possible externally.

There's a wide difference between behaving normally and some of the rules in schools that do discriminate. And masking to manage sensory overwhelm or masking be ause you are scared and worried does come at personal cost. Which is why we have lots of children burning out and unable to attend school.

Autism impacts people differently. 3 autistic siblings 1 masked and managed school but this has caused so much damage to metal health, one couldn't cope at all and can't even walk near a school.vuilding and the other loves schools and thrives in the structure.

But what we have learnt is needs are frequently not being met and many many autistic young people are being failed.

Work wouldn't exclude a member of staff from a staff party based on poor health.

Going to the toilet isn’t the issue. Leaving class and then messing about, walking round the school and causing problems. This child was referred to a Pru. Are you going to go to the prom and keep an eye on these students? Give up YOUR evening? Or is this something someone else can do?

what about the other students who have tried hard, masked, made adjustments and worked hard? They don’t count, their efforts are for nothing because one badly behaved child is waving her autism card. By crying ableism and excusing poor behaviour you re the problem.

They’d sack them for poor behaviour against company policy though. And this isn’t about attendance at all it’s about behaviour.

Perhaps because the OP doesn't think she did anything deserving of such a hard consequence, and from what I have read so far, I would agree with that point of view. Stopping someone - and I am sorry if this isn't PC enough - but particularly a teenager girl, from going to her prom under such circumstances, is both very unjust, and actually cruel as well.

In my previous job, work do's were informal and organised by staff. If someone was barely at work due to sick leave, they would have just been forgotten about.

I would go to the local press/ social media about this tbh. Make then take notice

The OP hasn't exactly elaborated much on her daughters behaviour though.

But it's entirely possible their policies are inclusive.

Which is not the same as telling them you can't come because you will I'll too much

I'm ready for the MN onslaught. Too many parents use various MH issues as an excuse for their children's poor behaviour or (wait for it) lax parenting. Yes, I had 3 children, two with sen and one the spectrum. Children are being damaged by kind parenting and a plethora of "be kind" advocates ready to excuse all poor behaviour and idleness as the result of MH issues. Society does not make the same allocation for badly behaved adults, so we need to prepare all children for what is expected of them.

@user1471497170
What are the ‘reminders’ your DD has had points for? You’ve never said.

The issue is that if the child cannot behave at school the likelihood is that they may not behave at Prom. Teachers are not paid to attend prom and do it out of good will, additionally they are held at external venues, often with members of the public present. E.g. hotels with different events going on. Schools cannot afford to have children at risk and their reputation damaged.

Also echo other posters that Pru referrals do not come lightly.

It really is responses like some that mean that schools will no longer offer proms in the future and everyone misses out.

So in a few years' time a prospective employer can Google the OP's daughter and find an article about how she was considered enough of a troublemaker at school that she was excluded from the prom?

And neither has the OP’s DD. She’s been told she can’t come because she’s misbehaved too much. It’s not an attendance percentage but a behaviour score.

And it's entirely possible they are not. Going by many schools - I would say it's more likely that school is discriminating

Oh the compo face alone would be worth a second bucket of popcorn. 😂

YABU

That's the thing though.

The OP has waited till she has been excluded from prom to kick up a fuss.

Not that she's been getting behaviour points left right and centre.

If she genuinely believed that her child was being discriminated against, then why has she waited till now? Just because a child has a disability or a neurodivergence, does not mean that all disciplinary actions are not warranted. If the OP believed they were, then it seems odd to have allowed the situation to persist do you not think?

No, but it would be a bit fucking weird turning up do a works do when you barely even come to work.

But yeah, this isn't even about her attendance.

No idea why my brain misread the post and decided that.

I think all children sbould be allowed at their prom, unless they did somrthing that bad they were about to be expelled.
They are about to leave and then the school won't have any influence anyway on their lives and this might be the last actual noce memory they can have of school.
I would fight this, it's a bit crap.

Have you tried getting schools/LA to support needs. It's an absolute nightmare. OP may have been battling to get her child's needs met all through schools years.

It may be that the is the final straw - her child has suffered through years and years of needs not being met and despite this she now been excluded from the event that is meant to celebrate that her DD has made it through

OP has already stated her daughter is neurodivergent.

@user1471497170 I wonder if you can get support from any professionals (camhs, paeds etc) who could arrange a TAF meeting and remind school that, as DD is autistic, the need to be aware of breaking the law in discriminating her for a disability. If no professionals involved, you could also use this language to make school rethink. Best of luck.

I think it is cruel to ban children from the prom. Thankfully I had my children before this USA event became a thing here.
I hear so many negative stories about them.
I do hope it can be sorted and if your daughter can’t go, I would crests a lovely event for her and a few friends.

This isn't about attendance. It's about behaviour but in some workplaces if they're funding a party, I doubt there is a requirement for them to invite people with disciplinary action against them as long as they make that clear in any contracts and invites etc. As much for their protection as anything else as workplace parties are also classed as "work" for disciplinary purposes. There have been a lot of people who have ended up on final written warnings or even losing their job for things done under the influence at work parties...

But that's a different topic.

Fact is that someone with a ND condition isn't always going to behave badly just because of that condition. Same if they're anxious, depressed, in pain, stressed. Sometimes kids are just pains in the arse and need to face the consequences of what they've done. I'm failing to see anything in what the OP has written to convince me that this is not entirely justified. Mostly because it's taken her till prom to be bothered.

But one thing I'm still unclear on is why she's at home?

"She's now at home. I have written to the school and submitted 2 complaints over the last 2 months"

A sudden bout of "I can't be arsed-itis" just because she doesn't get to wear a big fru fru dress?!