Daughter being excluded from prom

[user1471497170]

My daughter is year 11 and sits GCSEs next month. She has struggled throughout the whole of secondary school with friendships, MH/school anxiety, behaviour and approximately a year ago almost got sent to pru. She has never settled in school. However she has made significant improvement, not on any behaviour plan, is revising hard and should pass GCSEs and do her chosen subjects in college.

She has autism, anxiety and some physical health issues that are likely linked. Getting her into school is a struggle as she feels unhappy there but we make the effort and her attendance is good.

Although much improved her behaviour score is not high enough to meet the 90% prom threshold (reminders, uniform points and gokng to toilet when not permitted). She was informally told this week the final decision is that she will be excluded from prom.

Now all the girls have their tickets and she is beside herself. They are all making plans and talking about dresses and she now feels unable to continue going to school due to feeling so distressed about this. She is worried how she will cope with the sense of exclusion having to keep hearing about prom in school and assemblies

She's now at home. I have written to the school and submitted 2 complaints over the last 2 months however I have not received a satisfactory response. There has been no communication to me from the school about their decision or how they will support those excluded. Please can someone advise how I can escalate this further and if possible externally.

It definitely screams spoilt brat teenager and parent who can't be bothered.

If she'd suffered for years of unmet needs, then it does beg the question of why you'd not move her to a different school?

It appears you're rather ramping up the scenario without evidence that this has been the case and surely the OP would have mentioned if it was?

That's very poor to not distinguish between types of behaviour. Cruel, actually.

IME I agree.

It's a common train for autistic people to follow rules to the letter and find changes to or any bending of the rules difficult to cope with.

Might even make the Daily Fail!

But I'm really confused about this.

None of us know that's not the case, because the OP hasn't come back to explain and we're obviously not going to hear from the school. But it's pretty likely they have already made reasonable adjustments meaning she's less severely reprimanded than non ND kids yet is still displaying unacceptable behaviour. With the amount of awareness and training for staff nowadays, I'd argue that's far more likely than the one sided viewpoint of the OP who has only thought to challenge this when she's in her last month of five years at the school!

Sometimes there isn't a second option close enough sometimes you think you are making progress for the school and LA to move the goal posts.

It is an absolute nightmare when school doesn't work for your child.

I have no idea of the specifics of OP situation (but I do have experience of unmet needs).

People are making assumptions left right and centre about OP child. I'm just saying maybe the school is at fault and not the child

To reiterate that you get treats for bad behaviour?

I'm going to offend so many people with this. But I love David Sedaris. All of this brings to mind a conversation he retold when talking with a teacher. I won't include the full quote but it ends with this...

"But aren't a lot of your students just assholes?”
“You got it!” she said.".

But again we're making up things. Maybe there's not another school close enough. Maybe maybe maybe...

Or perhaps it's just far more simple.

The OP has waited till she has been excluded from prom to kick up a fuss
Not that she's been getting behaviour points left right and centre
If she genuinely believed that her child was being discriminated against, then why has she waited till now?

Another very valid question, Lemonthyme

We can't know if this applies to OP, but some parents tend to regard behaviour points and all the rest as "just school kicking off" and only get involved when their DCs are called to face consequences which fail to suit... hence the posts we see about "MY child's not doing detention" and so on

And then some wonder why there's a teacher shortage ...

So me giving examples of actual real experience which may or not apply in this situation is making stuff up but people assuming the child's behaviour was so bad that the school was justified despite mum saying it was forgetting items, going to the toilet and uniform infractions be ause it must be more when it is well known that schools have because me unbearably authoritarian over the most ridiculous things

None of us know the specifics

The school are ridiculous.
I understand excluding a child from prom where their behaviour is such that it affects others or is antisocial- e.g, violence, vaping, smoking, swearing repeatedly.
But going to the toilet outside an 'acceptable ' time frame and some minor infringements?
You wouldn't tell someone in the workplace when they were permitted to empty their bladder and/or bowels.

As PPs have said, maybe worth challenging on the basis of disability, but have something special on the back burner, just in case.

I had a prom (called a sixth form dinner and dance) in 1983. They really aren’t new.

She didn’t say forgetting items. She said ‘remonders’ which may be about behaviour, not items. The fact that the OP hasn’t provided details of the bad behaviour is more likely to mean it was worse than it sounds.

"You wouldn't tell someone in the workplace when they were permitted to empty their bladder and/or bowels."

You would if they worked in a school. Exceptions are made for people ( pupils or staff ) with medical conditions etc..

I doubt this is her nipping to the toilet once or twice a month during lessons this could potentially been a multiple lesson daily thing where she's repeatedly wandering around the school or one of them tiktok videos where kids lock themselves in the toilets why the teachers trying to get them out and they say their having a panic attack but are smiling and giggling to the camera then post it online. Teachers can't win kids have no discipline and can't accept the word no and have parents who believe everything their kids tell them and instead of punishing their kid for being a little shit at school they blame the school. I'm so glad im not a teacher what a shitty job

Let's talk about the other kids. The ones who have behaved well for the last 5 years. The ones that turn up on time. The ones that want to learn. The ones that turn up on time. The ones who wear their uniform properly. The ones who have their lessons ruined by others wanting toilet breaks every 5 minutes. ( incidentally, wanting to go walkies to the toilet is often just lesson avoidence). The ones who worked hard. The ones who did their homework. The ones who want to pass their exams. The ones who deserve to go the prom.
Not going to the prom is not an unmet need.
Your daughter probably thinks college will be a doss. It won't. She will be told that she is young adult. As such she is expected to behave like one. If she acts like a child she will be treated like one. Within 6 weeks she will be moaning that its just like school and she's being treated like a child. You heard it here first.
Time for her to grow up and live in the real world. Employers won't put up with such rubbish.
Why does she want to go to the prom anyway?

This op has failed at preparing her for the real world this will not fly in college or in a job.

I can't see any reason to exclude a young person other than that their behaviour might be dangerous.
A prom at that age is nowadays something they remember all their lives. I don't support social.exclusion as a sanction because it's withdrawing an important development opportunity. Often from children who need it most. What exactly are they trying to achieve with this young person apart from heaping shame on her?
Those implementing this most probably never had to contend with it in their day. Imagine actually sitting there deciding someone hasn't been good enough to go.
Whatever the law allows practices like this amount to bullying young people. Other more immediate more relevant sanctions need to be found.

The daughter has approximately a month left at school. It will soon be time for exam leave. In fact, she's already 'at home' for some reason.
I think you're being a bit over dramatic here.
She will take the exams, spend June, July and August dossing around. Then start college mid September and the same pattern will repeat itself all over again.
Save all the angst for college.

some people need to wake up, the op included. This kid has been referred to pru. This is not a light decision made by the school. This means she has been causing endless disruption, disobeying rules for months even years. She has to face the consequences I’m afraid. Yes, life’s unfair when you endlessly don’t follow basic expectations. The sooner your daughter learns this, the better.

@Warmlight1 The op hasn't said what the "reminders" were for. They're not for forgetting things, they are behavioural sanctions.

"I can't see any reason to exclude a young person other than that their behaviour might be dangerous."

They might have been and we know they have been leaving lessons without permission and that is also a dangerous behaviour.

So I think it's a little alarmist to claim the school are "bullying" the child.

You have a crystal ball? My mother used to say virtue is not rewarded. She was right.
You don't know what this YP might be doing in 10 years or 20 years. Why the gloomy predictions?

"I can't see any reason to exclude a young person other than that their behaviour might be dangerous"

If an adult behaves boorishly in a theatre is chatting on the phone the whole time is this acceptable because it is not dangerous.

Ops daughter by her own admission was nearly referred to a pru. This doesn't happen be ause the kid has uniform issues and goes to toilet too much

If you run a prom and there are pupils the who cannot follow basic behaviour expectations then it can mean the prom is ruined for everyone even if the behaviour is not dangerous e.g sneaking alcohol in, smoking or vaping in the venue, verbal or physical altercations etc

Pupils will have been told what th criteria are to get invited to prom and this pupil has failed to meet them.