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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

HBS v DAO twin dilemma

170 replies

twindilemma82 · 08/02/2025 16:00

I am really struggling with secondary school choices for my twins.

Twin 1 is super academic, very quiet, lacks confidence but very driven. She hasn't had a good time in primary and really struggled to make friends. She was successful in the grammar school exams. She is desperate to go to HBS and I think it would suit her as she'd do well in a small academic environment without boys and where the girls are studious and unpretentious.

However currently we've listed DAO as first on both twins' CAF because of the sibling policy and because of the wide ranging extra curricular activities. Twin 1 is so desperate to go to HBS, she talks of nothing else. She's become miserable about her future and generally anxious. She's written me long word documents on the subject of HBS. She doesn't understand why she worked so hard for the exam if she doesn't get to go to the school she wants. She did work extremely hard.

Her sister is less academic (she chose not to sit the eleven plus). She is very sociable and extremely kind. She is still academic and will do well if pushed. Her self esteem has been knocked by her sister's progress. She never does better than her sister in tests and is always comparing herself (even though I try to avoid this). She wants to go to DAO because of the extra curricular activities and its music offer. She does see the benefits of not being with her sister (and so going to a different school) but prefers to go to the better school.

If I switch the application preferences, twin 1 is likely to get into HBS. It's possible that twin 2 will get into another school that we like but it's also possible that she won't. The other school that we like is fine with great facilities but it doesn't compare to DAO in terms of results or extra curricular offer. If she doesn't get that school, then we are very much stuck!

It feels like there's no right answer and no matter what we do, we are letting one twin down. Any advice ?

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 11/02/2025 19:07

It does sound like they would do better at different schools and then they can both find their natural paths .

Glitterbaby17 · 12/02/2025 14:18

twindilemma82 · 11/02/2025 18:21

From twin 2's perspective there is a wider unfairness. Why was I born less intelligent (this is what she thinks no matter what we say). Why do I find school harder? etc etc So it's not as straightforward as people make out. That unfairness will be reinforced by her sister going to HBS and her going to the local comprehensive.
But this might be more of a reason to put them in separate schools so she's not constantly comparing herself.

It T1 might argue there is 'unfairness' as T2 finds it easier to make friends, easiest socially at primary (and this will be compounded if they both go to DAO and T2 is happier and more popular)

Quornflakegirl · 12/02/2025 14:39

twindilemma82 · 11/02/2025 18:21

From twin 2's perspective there is a wider unfairness. Why was I born less intelligent (this is what she thinks no matter what we say). Why do I find school harder? etc etc So it's not as straightforward as people make out. That unfairness will be reinforced by her sister going to HBS and her going to the local comprehensive.
But this might be more of a reason to put them in separate schools so she's not constantly comparing herself.

I have twin girls in year 7, they go to different secondaries. They both did well in the 11plus and were lucky enough to chose from 4 grammars (all very local bar one which is 9 miles away).

I encouraged them to choose different schools as they compare a lot and are very competitive with each other. Both schools are really good, one school is more academic than the other however. Separating twins is really beneficial in our situation so don’t worry too much about them not being together.

PlayTheElephant · 13/02/2025 15:28

I’m so glad to see you’ve posted here @twindilemma82 i saw your post on the eleven plus forum and was shocked at the responses you got - I think the ones you’ve got here are a lot more balanced. For those people saying that DAO is a good school - it is, but so is the school twin 2 is likely to get if that ofsted outstanding rating is anything to go by! And talking about his good the schools are misses the point - I don’t see how you can look twin 1 in the eye and tell her you’re sacrificing her clearly stated choice, that she has worked for, in favour of twin 2 who hasn’t put in any work.
i hope you’re getting on well and have got that late application in for twin 1.

user149799568 · 13/02/2025 17:49

I think it would be reasonable to tell Twin 1: "we're a family, we have to make decisions which are best for the family, and the logistics of having both children in the same school are so much simpler that we have to consider sending you to the same very good school". In the same way that I think it would be reasonable to tell a child who achieved a place at their dream private school: "we're a family, we have to make decisions which are best for the family, and we have to consider what else we could do with the fees if you go to this very good free alternative".

Unfortunately, I can see how this argument would be more difficult to make if Twin 1 has already got it into her head that it's really about keeping Twin 2 out of a poor alternative.

MissRoseDurward · 13/02/2025 18:34

I think it would be reasonable to tell Twin 1: "we're a family, we have to make decisions which are best for the family, and the logistics of having both children in the same school are so much simpler that we have to consider sending you to the same very good school".

And Twin 1, not being stupid, will ask what logistics, and how is it best for the family, rather than just being best for Twin 2.

user149799568 · 13/02/2025 18:52

MissRoseDurward · 13/02/2025 18:34

I think it would be reasonable to tell Twin 1: "we're a family, we have to make decisions which are best for the family, and the logistics of having both children in the same school are so much simpler that we have to consider sending you to the same very good school".

And Twin 1, not being stupid, will ask what logistics, and how is it best for the family, rather than just being best for Twin 2.

If there aren't benefits to a family for children to attend the same school, why do sibling preferences exist?

Same holiday schedules, parents face only one set of trips to school rather than two for teacher meetings, plays, sports days and other events. To the extent that they might need to do school runs at that age, perhaps before early morning or after evening activities, one journey rather than two... in opposite directions.

Parents are part of the family too; their time and energy should be valued as well.

sashh · 14/02/2025 09:40

user149799568 · 13/02/2025 18:52

If there aren't benefits to a family for children to attend the same school, why do sibling preferences exist?

Same holiday schedules, parents face only one set of trips to school rather than two for teacher meetings, plays, sports days and other events. To the extent that they might need to do school runs at that age, perhaps before early morning or after evening activities, one journey rather than two... in opposite directions.

Parents are part of the family too; their time and energy should be valued as well.

Edited
Show quote history

Maybe there isn't much benefit to families but for schools it helps keep the 'plebs' out.

The town I grew up in had 3 mixed secondary schools and 4 single sex so it was quite common for siblings to be at different schools.

verysmellyjelly · 14/02/2025 14:13

You should let Twin A go to HBS. I'm genuinely quite surprised that you can't see the unfairness of letting her work so hard and sit multiple exams, to not then give her the choice of schools.

CaptainFuture · 14/02/2025 14:33

If twin1 says 'if you won't let me go the school of my choice and want to make me choose the one that's for the benefit of my sibling, I won't go there either.' Unlikely, but am assuming twin2 can't go to their favourite school with twin1?

MissRoseDurward · 14/02/2025 15:35

You should let Twin A go to HBS. I'm genuinely quite surprised that you can't see the unfairness of letting her work so hard and sit multiple exams, to not then give her the choice of schools.

And in particular, not listening to her when she says she doesn't want to go to the same school as her sibling.

Waitlist1234 · 07/03/2025 19:14

curious to see how it panned out now that allocation are out

Original poster
twindilemma82 · 05/04/2025 19:44

Waitlist1234 · 07/03/2025 19:14

curious to see how it panned out now that allocation are out

We decided to switch so twin 1 is now going to HBS. We went with the majority of advice on this thread, which gave me a lot of food for thought!

OP posts:
TickingAlongNicely · 05/04/2025 19:50

What happened with twin 2?

Jellyjellyonaplate · 06/04/2025 00:11

Yes, did twin 2 get into the alternative school you were hoping for? (presuming she couldn't get into DAO). I think you did the right thing FWIW!

Aethelfleda · 07/04/2025 12:17

So that’s great for your twin1, who will be able to be in what she thinks is the best school for her. How about your twin 2, where’s she going? is she okay with that? (hope she didn’t want DAO too much)

Original poster
twindilemma82 · 07/04/2025 15:31

Twin 2 has got a good school offer, which she’s happy about.

OP posts:
ALongProcess · 07/04/2025 21:23

Great that you've found a solution they are both happy with!

Aethelfleda · 08/04/2025 19:03

twindilemma82 · 07/04/2025 15:31

Twin 2 has got a good school offer, which she’s happy about.

good, hopefully they will both enjoy themselves at their respective new schools.

PlayTheElephant · 08/04/2025 22:15

So glad to hear this @twindilemma82 i think you made the right decision fwiw and I’m so pleased that it worked out well for both twins!

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