HBS v DAO twin dilemma

[twindilemma82]

I am really struggling with secondary school choices for my twins.

Twin 1 is super academic, very quiet, lacks confidence but very driven. She hasn't had a good time in primary and really struggled to make friends. She was successful in the grammar school exams. She is desperate to go to HBS and I think it would suit her as she'd do well in a small academic environment without boys and where the girls are studious and unpretentious.

However currently we've listed DAO as first on both twins' CAF because of the sibling policy and because of the wide ranging extra curricular activities. Twin 1 is so desperate to go to HBS, she talks of nothing else. She's become miserable about her future and generally anxious. She's written me long word documents on the subject of HBS. She doesn't understand why she worked so hard for the exam if she doesn't get to go to the school she wants. She did work extremely hard.

Her sister is less academic (she chose not to sit the eleven plus). She is very sociable and extremely kind. She is still academic and will do well if pushed. Her self esteem has been knocked by her sister's progress. She never does better than her sister in tests and is always comparing herself (even though I try to avoid this). She wants to go to DAO because of the extra curricular activities and its music offer. She does see the benefits of not being with her sister (and so going to a different school) but prefers to go to the better school.

If I switch the application preferences, twin 1 is likely to get into HBS. It's possible that twin 2 will get into another school that we like but it's also possible that she won't. The other school that we like is fine with great facilities but it doesn't compare to DAO in terms of results or extra curricular offer. If she doesn't get that school, then we are very much stuck!

It feels like there's no right answer and no matter what we do, we are letting one twin down. Any advice ?

People just don't understand what they're talking about 😂 "Oh just let each child go to their preferred school".
🤦‍♀️

Absolutely this, @twindilemma82 was the possibility of twin1 going to hbs ever an actual option, or was it always the other school as that's twin2 choice?
It really doesn't sound like that it's not what's best for the family but twin2.

Twin 2 wouldn't have got into DAO via the exam, I don't think. And the eleven plus process would have been a nightmare with her as she's not motivated to study in the same way; she wouldn't have wanted to do it. I sat twin one for all the local eleven plus grammar exams not knowing which (if any) she would pass. I thought that if she got into DAO that's where she would go as it's a great school and would be better for the family as a whole as twin 2 could go there. I didn't really think she'd get into HBS and certainly didn't think she'd have such strong feelings about going there.

@Ubertomusic thanks, that's very helpful and true.

But @twindilemma82 what I don’t understand is why you are having this dilemma now, and not in October when you actually had to make the decision?

What has changed?

@Ubertomusic the point you are missing or just ignoring is that you are looking at this through adult eyes and as a whole family . Twin 1 is the one who has been miserable at primary school , twin 1 is the one who has put in all the work to put them in this position and yet from her POV it will be twin 2 getting all the benefits . Twin 1 wants HBS , irrespective of whether it’s a nicer environment or a lesser school , she’s done the work and she should be the one getting priority not the sister who has basically swanned along , being popular and not studying for exams . These children are individuals not a job lot .

I think the issue is it's not comparing which school is better - as many have said DAO and HBS are both very good schools. It's about fit/feel for a child who has struggled to make friendships and 'fit in' at primary school and feels one school will suit her better. Nobody is contesting that she won't get good teaching at both, but it's possible that the cohort at DAO with the focus on extra curricular and less selective may suit her less / have more natural peers. If she thinks she'd prefer single sex that is also a factor.

Been there 🙂 and even without twins I know how you feel. DC1 ended up at Latymer though I really liked DAO, DC2 secured a good scholarship at a private school so we opted for less stress and more music in the end.

Good luck!

I'm not missing this point, I just think children are not able to make life changing decisions, even for themselves let alone for their siblings. That's the parents' responsibility so of course I look at this through adult eyes.

Bloody difficult. Could you invent a Time Machine and go back and change your applications?

How bad a school is twin 2 likely to get into now without the sibling preference for DAO?

I will say one thing - about a year ago my dd (then 13) discovered that it doesn’t matter how hard you work and if you do everything right, adults still have the power to play unfairly and take away what you have earnt. (In her case the girls ranked 13 and 36 in the country were selected over dd who was ranked 3 to represent the region.) It did change her. She is very cynical about adults now and basically expects them to screw her if it suits them. It is a lesson that everyone has to learn at some point but it is still a real shame. I think that it would be very hard to have it be your parents who made that choice. Dd can cope because she saw that we also were very angry and she understands why it happened. (Selection team included two people who had been coaching No 36 since she was about 7.)

Which is your way of doing things and if twin 1 loves DAO once she gets there all will be well , if she doesn’t she will resent her parents and sister for the rest of her life . Lovely . Also if the OP had been upfront in the first place and told her daughter that if she passed the DAO test that’s where they would go irrespective of her choice maybe she wouldn’t have bothered to pass the test , who knows . So many what ifs involved but on the face of it twin 1 has done all the work and twin 2 is envisaged as the favourite who gets her way , that’s how it looks to a child

Perhaps I’m missing something, and I know it’s too late now anyway, but I don’t really understand why you let Twin 1 look round HBS, or applied there for her, if you weren’t definitely going to let her go there if she got a place. I know she might be idealising it, but if they both go to DAO and Twin 1 is unhappy there the family relationships will be awful.

I did have this dilemma in October but made the choice I thought was right for them collectively, thinking I'd be able to persuade twin 1 of the merits in that choice. But that hasn't happened.

@Miffylou I didn't know she'd get into DAO so wanted her to have the best chance possible of a grammar school place.

Just an idea but do you have any connections with children at DAO that might chat to her about it and assuage some concerns? Regardless, if they do both go if if twin 1 feels in twin 2s shadow socially and twin 2 feels she's not as good as twin 1 academically would suggest requesting they are put in opposite halves of the year if at all possible.

I never said it was some kind of universal rule, but surely I'm allowed to share my views with OP as we know the area and my DC sat exams for local schools.

I'm not really interested in arguing with strangers or asserting my point of view. It's OK to have different views and opinions.

@Ubertomusic indeed it’s ok to have different views . I’m not sure what knowing the area and schools have to do with it unless you know the girls involved . The actual situation could be in any area and my view would be the same .

@Glitterbaby17 I will definitely ask for them to be in separate halves. We have met a few children from both schools but her takeaway is that they all seem lovely but that HbS remains the better fit!

What does she like most about HBS?

Interesting. I thought children these days are more aware of social/power dynamics around them. My DC2 definitely mentioned favouritism at school as early as year 4 and was rather cynical about it but kept doing her thing anyway.

I think seeing favouritism at school is common and most kids will have experienced it , it’s a bit different when it’s within your family and a lot harder to just ignore , you only have to read some of the threads on here to see that .

I think it was the first time that it was something that was so obviously unfair and that she was really bothered about.

There used to be a lot of complaints at primary school about who got which role in the school play but dd always got the “role” that she wanted. (At the back of the group dance, no lines, no one looking at her - she isn’t a performer!)

She’d occasionally comment about the unfairness of dojos and who got them when but she was never all that bothered.

But this was something that she really wanted to be selected for.

So you've made the decision? It's DAO?
Despite the fact the child who's effort to pass the test doesn't want to go there? 'Tough, it's better for your sister there'?
What'll you do if she's absolutely miserable and hates it, as she has said?

@Ubertomusic she really wants to be just with girls, also she wants to be in a smaller school as she thinks it'll be less overwhelming. She thinks she will find it easier to make friends there as children will be more like minded. She thinks she will push herself more, if other children are all doing well academically. She wants to be separated from her twin.

@CaptainFuture I haven't made the decision yet. I meant that if they do end up going there, I'll ask for them to be separated.