Daughter hating year 7

[AllGonePeteTong1]

DD has been increasingly withdrawn the last few months. I had put it down to hormones but she broke down tonight and confided in me how much she hates her new secondary school. It's the local comp that is very well regarded, ofsted outstanding, well behaved kids in an affluent area. All her friends have gone to the school with her so all should be fine.

But things haven't been great from the start. She has found it incredibly strict, with detentions given out for the most minor offences (eg forgetting a book). She doesn't like a single one of her teachers because 'they're always shouting or tellling us off.'

She's also struggling a bit with the work, mainly because she says she finds it so boring (despite being a very engaged and good student at junior school). I also think the constant underlying stress she feels isn't conducive to learning. There is no bullying or anything like that - she's assured me on that.

I'm not sure what to do. She's started saying she doesn't want to go to school and even said she'd like to go to another one. She is adamant that I can't speak to her teachers about it and 'make a fuss'. She made me promise I wouldn't say anything.

Has anyone been in this situation and if so how did you handle in? Any teachers that can help advise on the right approach to take (potentially) with the school?

I hate seeing my previously happy, engaged girl so miserable 😞

Have you spoken to her form tutor?

DD1 is a secondary teacher and Y7 form tutor. Some of them do find the transition to secondary really tough so it's definitely worth speaking with her form tutor. They might be able to speak to her other teachers and find out more about what's happening there.

I may be off the mark here but by any chance was she one of the 'star' pupils at her primary school?

Often children who were popular with teachers in primary find secondary tough when they are just one of many pupils and the teachers dont have the time or inclination to give them too much attention.

It's just with you saying she is with her friends and there is no bullying.

If that's the case it will get better with time as the teachers get to know her. Has she joined any clubs etc?

I contacted her a few weeks ago to ask if the heavy discipline was going to ease off at bit as it's seemed overkill. She sent a very polite message back but it basically said no and that she'll have to get used to it.

I think i would start looking around at other schools , some of these 'strict' schools put far to much pressure on decent well behaved kids , it must be like walking on eggshells all the time wondering what trivial thing will be the cause of the next detention.
It must be very demoralising for lots of kids , i understand how difficult teaching must be but i do think some of these schools have some very strange ideas.

Is there another school option? It sounds as if this isn’t right for her

Y7 is a massive transition and it isn't easy. You could try contacting her head of year to discuss. Are there any lunchtime clubs she could join that might help make school more enjoyable? One of mine has found girls rugby (outside school) really good. It's an outlet for all the stress feelings and builds confidence.

This really struck home as my 11 year old DS is exactly the same. Loved primary, fairly academic, popular, lots of friends and always fun to spend time with. Since starting secondary he's a changed child, and not for the better. Always angry, says exactly what your DD says - it's too strict, lessons are very boring. ( & I agree judging by the homework)
He's also finding friendships aren't coming naturally for the first time ever.
Not sure what the solution is but I'm worried. 😔

My DS struggled a bit with the transition. I think you need to give it a little more time. It would be very helpful if you could speak to the school. What about her friends?? You could say to her that if things don’t improve by end of year you could look round (if feasible) but it needs more of a chance.

My DS was like this. The school had a lot of really unpleasant and inappropriate stuff going on and unfortunately he had a breakdown in year 9. I would take her out asap.

We're home schooling and it's ok. If you can find a private school locally that you can afford, that may be better. I think it's worth getting her out while she's still functioning though. A lot of kids are taken out too late, and are in a real mess.

Could you contact tutor again, perhaps also asking to meet with head of year too as you have concerns and would prefer to talk to them before governors are involved.

Before looking at another school, try this approach and talk to them about what they will do to help your daughter. Please do not be afraid to mention involving governors, especially if you are concerned about your child.

If you then, after a meeting, get the impression this isn't the school for you, start looking at other schools. Your daughter needs to also understand that you have to talk to the school first before consideration a move. Also remind her that as a girl, she us not 'making a fuss', you are simply making sure she gets the education she deserves.

Keep up the extra curricular activities-other outside groups can help lessen the impact of school.

Sending hugs. It's do painful when your child doesn't feel happy at school.

@AllGonePeteTong1 I don’t understand this modern style of discipline in schools. We all know some dc need a more regimented regime but it’s horrible for others. I don’t like the fact that teachers don’t appreciate the effect they have and are not listening to the dc who are affected by this.

As a result of the ethos being unlikely to change. I would be lead by dc and look for another school. Ofsted doesn’t look into the ethos deeply and never see unhappy dc - they won’t be in the hand picked group. I would start looking at other schools and check out how they operate. It’s horrible that dc are fearing school and teachers. I would also see the head of pastoral care. I’d say something. They need to know.

Thank you all for your responses. To answer some questions:

Regarding clubs, there is nothing she's interested in doing at all except netball. She was really excited about doing that at secondary but it's also been a disaster. She's the only one of all her friends to not be picked for a match (there have been 6 selections!), despite always turning up to practice. She's close to giving that up as she doesn't see the point.

She has a nice group of friends that have been with her since reception and moved up with her, but there have been some fallings out this year (not directly impacting her, but causing tension she could do without).

Since she started they've all been bombarded with tests. she doesn't yet have a good exam technique and hasn't performed well, which has really impacted her confidence. She's also had feedback from a few teachers along the lines of 'not trying hard enough', which again hasn't helped.

This is a good kid! She was doing so well at primary and got 'greater depth' on her SATS. I don't know what has happened.

There is an alternative school but it's an all girls school, so I'm not sure how keen she'd be on it. But it's certainly an option if it comes to that. It does feel like we need to give it more time though.

I think posters saying to contact her tutor again are correct. I don't know what else I can do really.

Her head of year she is terrified of, so the thought of involving him...I'm not sure she'd ever forgive me.

And thank you for your support. It's heart breaking seeing your previously thriving child so unhappy.

On the other hand my son struggled massively and really only began to settle at Easter. He's now in year 8 and settled- he's happy he persevered

My DD was the same. Good girl, academic, quiet. Traumatised by consistent anxiety around shouty teachers and draconian one-size-fits-all discipline. It broke her. If I’d known the extent of it, we’d have pulled her out but like your dd, she didn’t want us to ‘make a fuss’ and then she stopped telling us the worst of it. I think at 20 she is still suffering a form of ptsd. She never went on to further education.

My advice is home educate or pick another smaller school.

No answers, we have the same. My son hates school, it doesn't suit him at all, it's something to be survived and thats all. No better alternative school, home ed wouldn't suit him. School have done nothing to help. At least he is nearly half way through now.

Most people don't have the option to home educate or pick a school!

Oh gosh so hard. The trend to ultra strict highs is not suiting a lot of kids. Thankfully ours is not. Strict but no kids in fear etc

Hi OP,
I'm in the give it time camp. However I myself hated secondary school for the full 5 years. That was because I was gay though and back in the 80s no-one came out in school.
I am a bit puzzled by why so many on this thread think school rules are the problem. Surely all school have strict rules? I mean how else could teaching take place. I have worked in a variety of secondaries over the years and they were a mixed bag in terms of lesson length and organisational structure but the rules were pretty much the same.
Also detentions are not ever set lightly, the administration of them consumes resources like a starving pack of wolves!
Teachers need to be able to speak and explain the work and all children like quiet and order to work in, especially the SEND children and the children who are being brought up with good manners. And the children who have lots of problems through no fault of their own, really like calm in my experience.
And to those who think 27 teenagers will behave and work without school sanctions and strict discipline, I invite you to have a go at it. I have, it didn't work well.
However in your situation I think it might well be a good idea to have a good at alternative schools but you could ask the present school to change your DC to a different form to begin with.
There is a ton of helpful advice about how to get better at exams out there On the www. That may help your DC, also reading will make her feel better as she will have the vocabulary to sail through the lessons and the assessments.

I was a chatty handful at school. But never got a detention. But some schools give them for talking in corridors & dropping a pen in class.

I would speak to the school pastoral team. Can you go and look around the other school? Keep your options open.

DD is in Y7 at an all girls grammar school. They have rules but it doesn’t seem to be overly strict. The local secondary school is super strict. They inspect uniform at the gates and do pencil case checks every morning. Detention if you forget a ruler, only get a 20 min lunch break and not allowed to go to the loo outside of breaks. She would be so anxious there, constantly worrying about doing something wrong. Unfortunately a lot of schools are heading that way as behaviour is so bad.

My DD struggled with y7. Lots of friendship issues and worries about doing the right thing. There was definitely a bit of ‘small fish in the big pond’ type stuff compared to her tiny primary where everyone knew her and 6 adults would have checked in with her by break time if they noticed she seemed out of sorts vs secondary where she was pretty miserable and felt like no one noticed.

We spoke to the pastoral team and they put some check-ins in place which made the world of difference. Now in y8 she’s thriving with a fab group of friends. Hang in there.

I have taught at secondary for 15 years and I think @FridayFeelingmidweek's advice is good.

It sounds like you only really considered this one school?