Daughter hating year 7

[AllGonePeteTong1]

DD has been increasingly withdrawn the last few months. I had put it down to hormones but she broke down tonight and confided in me how much she hates her new secondary school. It's the local comp that is very well regarded, ofsted outstanding, well behaved kids in an affluent area. All her friends have gone to the school with her so all should be fine.

But things haven't been great from the start. She has found it incredibly strict, with detentions given out for the most minor offences (eg forgetting a book). She doesn't like a single one of her teachers because 'they're always shouting or tellling us off.'

She's also struggling a bit with the work, mainly because she says she finds it so boring (despite being a very engaged and good student at junior school). I also think the constant underlying stress she feels isn't conducive to learning. There is no bullying or anything like that - she's assured me on that.

I'm not sure what to do. She's started saying she doesn't want to go to school and even said she'd like to go to another one. She is adamant that I can't speak to her teachers about it and 'make a fuss'. She made me promise I wouldn't say anything.

Has anyone been in this situation and if so how did you handle in? Any teachers that can help advise on the right approach to take (potentially) with the school?

I hate seeing my previously happy, engaged girl so miserable 😞

@Porcuporpoise Y7 dc are some way off working. Plus the requirements are just a small part of a strict school. There’s way more controlling behaviour than you suggest. If specialist equipment is needed, store it in the classrooms. Teachers all have strategies for dealing with disruptions but that doesn’t need to be done in such a way that the whole school is like a military academy. There’s a middle way. We always shared a ruler if we forgot our own. Teacher would not even know! Who cares if a dc hasn’t got a something they can easily borrow?

@WhatNoRaisins Do parents ever change the ethos of a school? Most will just grumble. Parent governors are not a large group in MATs and don’t influence anything. It’s Heads that do. It would need a massive barrage of complaints from families to get any change at all. These strict schools also get all
the positive publicity. It’s the sheep that follow. I would not know how to prepare my DDs for this type of school either. Luckily they are well
through the other side and I rejoice in the fact our school rules were one side of A5!

I did feel just like OP but now I realise that kids do need to have a bit of rigour in their lives as the world is not going to genuflect to them is it?

My kids have both had tough times at their schools but I believe it has helped ground them in reality. The world is not designed for their emotional needs; I think they have to become strong enough to meet their own emotional needs (with their loved ones support) whether the outside world is nice or nasty.

Subjecting yourself to some impersonal strictures for the benefit of the group is a bit of a reality check.

Not remembering your ruler doesn't matter but my daughter forgot hers in exams recently three times so we got an email saying that it wasted time in the exam room, so she went and hit a new one and learned to turn up ready for the task.

There are kids who do not suit this style of school. It's an act of faith and instinct on a parent's part to know when a child is being usefully educated or damaged emotionally. I found it hard when my son was young not to try to protect him from everything. I couldn't tolerate him being sad or upset - I now think this didn't help him necessarily. That I needed to separate from him to see what he needed not just feel how I was triggered by his vulnerable.

Not that any of this is easy for many of us.

But I want my kids to be able to fly the best and thrive and that means thef have had to buckle down and accept seemingly pointless rules at times. And take the consequences with grace when they breach them. It's such a good life lesson in a safe space.

Nest, forgive typos!

I have 3 at secondary school, incl one in yr7. I think it’s a very challenging year and one that (ime), primary school does not prepare them for.

One of mine started at “the best” school in the area. He’s bright, sociable but quirky. He did really well at primary, had never been in trouble. Yr7 was a disaster. It became very apparent that the just wanted identikit children, getting great grades and not stepping out of line. He was never NOT in trouble. He was also on the end of low level (not that any is acceptable) bullying for being a bit eccentric (now clear he’s ND).

We / he stuck it out for a year as it does take time to adjust. Then we bit the bullet and moved him to a school with a less stellar reputation and grades that weren’t quite as impressive. BUT it’s amazing pastorally and for SEN. He’s now flourishing in Yr8.

I would make sure you get the full picture, give her support, make sure she recognises that Yr7 IS hard for many many pupils and start considering your options. I would however suggest a bit more time is needed as it’s still very early days in Yr7. I do think that resilience is important for all of us to an extent, but she’s still very young and it’s essential she knows you have her back.

Best of luck!