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Secondary education

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Original poster

My DS failed every one of his mock GCSEs

158 replies

Choirsinger7 · 16/12/2023 15:14

That's it really, found the results screwed up and he got 3s and 2s in everything. He was predicted 5s last year. All of my friends have high achieving focussed children, and indeed my DD is also one of them, and don't feel I can talk to anyone as feel upset and different to everyone else. He has recently been diagnosed with ASD and is on the pathway to ADHD assessment based on guidance from CAHMs which is undoubtedly having an impact I would have thought. He said he was revising but he didn't really do much despite the school giving the kids lots of support and revision tips and I bought all the study guides for him, watched films on the GCSE English lit texts and offered to sit with him or pay for a tutor (which we can't really afford). He didn't want any of these. He has applied for sixth form for courses he needs 4s and 5s which seems ambitious now, and also a college course where he needs two 4s in English and Maths. Feel pretty distraught and worried for him. Any comforting words or guidance would be gratefully received

OP posts:
TeenDivided · 16/12/2023 18:06

Even worse case scenario he fails them all - he can resit at a college.

Most colleges are set up for Maths and English resits, not so much others.

StaunchMomma · 16/12/2023 18:07

I bought all the study guides for him, watched films on the GCSE English lit texts and offered to sit with him or pay for a tutor (which we can't really afford). He didn't want any of these.

What he 'wants' isn't really relevant, is it? What he needs is to knuckle down and work hard. That very often falls to parents to facilitate.

What he needs to realise is that an avoidant attitude is going to lead to even worse results.

It might be an idea to get a tutor short term and ask them to test him over a short period so he can clearly see his progress.

There are also some great online platforms (eg Atom) that kids can work through at home and that regularly test/reward etc. Once he sees improvement he'll start to feel better about himself and is then likely to further apply himself.

He just needs to click that if he wants college he needs to work for it.

Pebstk · 16/12/2023 18:18

My son who has ADHD got 1B, 3Cs and all the rest Ds in his mocks and got 3A stars, 4 As and 2 Bs in his GCSEs. We are NI so still use letters. So plenty of time. Some tutors and actually sitting doing the studying with him was key to success. His ADHD means independent study is nearly impossible for him but with support he got there.

Nappyvalley15 · 16/12/2023 19:06

Is there any chance of getting a private adhd diagnosis and medication? If you can do this in the next couple of months it might turn out to be a better investment than a tutor.

Also pursue extra time for him in exams and dropping a couple of his weakest subjects. Then a very focused revision strategy, with your involvement, to try to get 4s and 5s.

SpidersAreShitheads · 16/12/2023 19:15

StaunchMomma · 16/12/2023 18:07

I bought all the study guides for him, watched films on the GCSE English lit texts and offered to sit with him or pay for a tutor (which we can't really afford). He didn't want any of these.

What he 'wants' isn't really relevant, is it? What he needs is to knuckle down and work hard. That very often falls to parents to facilitate.

What he needs to realise is that an avoidant attitude is going to lead to even worse results.

It might be an idea to get a tutor short term and ask them to test him over a short period so he can clearly see his progress.

There are also some great online platforms (eg Atom) that kids can work through at home and that regularly test/reward etc. Once he sees improvement he'll start to feel better about himself and is then likely to further apply himself.

He just needs to click that if he wants college he needs to work for it.

Unfortunately this isn’t the case for a neurodivergent child.

If it was as easy as “just getting on with it” we wouldn’t struggle in the ways that we do.

Of course seeing progress is rewarding but that’s not always enough to “knuckle down”. A demand avoidant profile can really struggle with expectations. And the lack of dopamine in the brain means that sometimes it can still be hard to do things even if you’re desperate to get them done/want the reward.

Of course this doesn’t mean OP shouldn’t try and a tutor is a great idea. But it really, really isn’t as simple as just “knuckling down”.

As he isn’t diagnosed with ADHD just yet, just ASD, I doubt he’s on any medication yet. Meds really are a game-changer in being able to focus - it’s quite literally life-changing for many ADHD people.

There will be consequences if he doesn’t manage to do what he needs to - ie/not getting onto the college course he wants. That needs to be made clear to him but not framed as failure because that will just increase the pressure and damage his self-esteem if he doesn’t manage it. All OP can do is try and help him organise himself and encourage his studying, but it may be that it’s just not going to pan out. It’s not a case of how intelligent he is, it’s all of the other skills required for exams and why a good proportion of very intelligent neurodivergent people don’t do well on exams.

You can’t opt out of an avoidant attitude when it’s part of an autistic diagnosis/brain. It’s part of the condition. It would be great if it were possible to just decide not to be avoidant but it just doesn’t work like that.

Wantingtomove123 · 16/12/2023 19:17

I didn’t read all the replies but just wanted to say, my dd would have sat for her GCSEs along with your son. Instead she could no longer go to school from January this year. She hasn’t been assessed but pretty sure she’s autistic and now recovering from burnout. What I realised is, I cannot compare her to other kids. She’s been through a lot of trauma in her life, masking and so on. Remember, there is no age limit to when you have to do your GCSEs by or whether you need them at all. Look in to functional skills at college or taking even 1 or 2 GCSEs at a time and taking the minimum needed. So many options. As your DS was only diagnosed recently as being autistic and is being assessed for ADHD it is likely he has been masking so be careful he doesn’t head in to burnout under the pressure of exams like mine did. Read up as much as you can about Audhd and don’t let him feel that you are upset or that you think he might be lazy.

Dressageandonionstuffing · 16/12/2023 19:20

If he was getting 5s before what has changed? Has there been any notable disruption?

TitusMoan · 16/12/2023 19:30

bunhead1979 · 16/12/2023 15:17

You are ashamed of your disabled child? I hope you’ve not said that to him! School is really tough for autistic kids, and it gets harder over time. Time to make a support plan with school if he doesn’t already have one.

I can’t find the bit where she says she’s ashamed. Could you tell me where it is?

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 16/12/2023 19:33

Focus on 5.
Revise for those.
Discuss with FE college appropriate level 2 courses for next year. He could do a level 2 plus English/Maths next year. Then Level 3 over 2 years if that's what he wants.
Being positive and having a proper plan is the key.

bunhead1979 · 16/12/2023 19:53

TitusMoan · 16/12/2023 19:30

I can’t find the bit where she says she’s ashamed. Could you tell me where it is?

Show quote history

The thread title has now been edited, originally it said something like “i am so ashamed my child has failed all their exams” and it did appear initially thats what OP was saying- many of the responses took that to be what OP meant, before she came back and clarified.

Original poster
Choirsinger7 · 16/12/2023 20:10

Nappyvalley15 · 16/12/2023 19:06

Is there any chance of getting a private adhd diagnosis and medication? If you can do this in the next couple of months it might turn out to be a better investment than a tutor.

Also pursue extra time for him in exams and dropping a couple of his weakest subjects. Then a very focused revision strategy, with your involvement, to try to get 4s and 5s.

Our local CAHMS seems to have had an injection of funds and out of the blue we got a ASD meeting and diagnosis within 3 weeks in the summer and so I am quite hopeful that the ADHD Diagnosis will be quite quick so no need to pay for private. Thanks for all that referred to level 2 foundation course, I checked and the local college has a course in the subject he is interested in and needs 3s and may consider 2s so feeling a bit less worried now. And DS has produced a beautiful piece of work on his own back this afternoon to support this college application (but only when I confiscated the PlayStation and wouldn’t pay for the gym until he did it!), but still feels like progress. Thanks for all the thoughts, ideas, reassurance and advice, very much appreciate it

OP posts:
TheWalkingDeadly · 16/12/2023 20:26

I guess this is a prob with lack of levels as it should be clear where a child is.
Mocks this early im sure they wont have covered all the work.

Gettincoldouthere · 16/12/2023 20:46

Aintnosupermum · 16/12/2023 15:28

I have 3 children with ADD and I’m fortunate that I’ve been able to get them help privately. My elder two are both ASD too.

His grades are not a reflection of his abilities. I would consider holding back a year and getting full support set up. He needs to get some help on how to study, how to answer questions and how to focus. My eldest is 12 and I have set up for her executive functioning therapy. It’s a fancy medical term for teaching her how to organize herself, her thoughts and her work. It’s a game changer.

Medication matters and he needs the medication to help him focus. For my children running helps them a lot. However medication is where it is at.

This is when you throw money at the problem because holding him back a year will help a little bit but this is a 6 year process to get him through GCSE, A’Levels and university/vocational program.

Hello. Would you mind sharing details of the executive functioning therapy?

TitusMoan · 16/12/2023 21:37

bunhead1979 · 16/12/2023 19:53

The thread title has now been edited, originally it said something like “i am so ashamed my child has failed all their exams” and it did appear initially thats what OP was saying- many of the responses took that to be what OP meant, before she came back and clarified.

Show quote history

Ah right, that makes sense

Swim23 · 16/12/2023 22:58

Wantingtomove123 · 16/12/2023 19:17

I didn’t read all the replies but just wanted to say, my dd would have sat for her GCSEs along with your son. Instead she could no longer go to school from January this year. She hasn’t been assessed but pretty sure she’s autistic and now recovering from burnout. What I realised is, I cannot compare her to other kids. She’s been through a lot of trauma in her life, masking and so on. Remember, there is no age limit to when you have to do your GCSEs by or whether you need them at all. Look in to functional skills at college or taking even 1 or 2 GCSEs at a time and taking the minimum needed. So many options. As your DS was only diagnosed recently as being autistic and is being assessed for ADHD it is likely he has been masking so be careful he doesn’t head in to burnout under the pressure of exams like mine did. Read up as much as you can about Audhd and don’t let him feel that you are upset or that you think he might be lazy.

I haven’t read all the comments either, but this has stood out as the most sensible and sensitive reply.

With your child’s diagnosis being quite new, you need to be kind to them and to yourself…you’ve got to adjust your expectations, learn a lot about how their brain works, what strategies will help. It’s not easy to talk about, esp if your friendship group don’t have similar experiences and it is very hard not to compare. We’ve been there. We’ve also come out the other side, to see the benefit of good strategies making a difference, to see the wonderful attributes our child has, not least their resilience. Whatever happens with their GCSE’s this isn’t the end of their journey and failure at this point doesn’t mean failure for life - it just means things aren’t quite working right now.

StaunchMomma · 17/12/2023 01:38

SpidersAreShitheads · 16/12/2023 19:15

Unfortunately this isn’t the case for a neurodivergent child.

If it was as easy as “just getting on with it” we wouldn’t struggle in the ways that we do.

Of course seeing progress is rewarding but that’s not always enough to “knuckle down”. A demand avoidant profile can really struggle with expectations. And the lack of dopamine in the brain means that sometimes it can still be hard to do things even if you’re desperate to get them done/want the reward.

Of course this doesn’t mean OP shouldn’t try and a tutor is a great idea. But it really, really isn’t as simple as just “knuckling down”.

As he isn’t diagnosed with ADHD just yet, just ASD, I doubt he’s on any medication yet. Meds really are a game-changer in being able to focus - it’s quite literally life-changing for many ADHD people.

There will be consequences if he doesn’t manage to do what he needs to - ie/not getting onto the college course he wants. That needs to be made clear to him but not framed as failure because that will just increase the pressure and damage his self-esteem if he doesn’t manage it. All OP can do is try and help him organise himself and encourage his studying, but it may be that it’s just not going to pan out. It’s not a case of how intelligent he is, it’s all of the other skills required for exams and why a good proportion of very intelligent neurodivergent people don’t do well on exams.

You can’t opt out of an avoidant attitude when it’s part of an autistic diagnosis/brain. It’s part of the condition. It would be great if it were possible to just decide not to be avoidant but it just doesn’t work like that.

Show quote history

Works with my DS who has ASD. As do I, so I clearly understand.

They're all different, of course, but mine really responds to clear evidence of improvement. His avoidance is absolutely linked to perceived failure.

Granted, I may have found encouraging him easier as I am an ex-teacher, but some tutors will have experience of working with autistic kids, and those with ADHD.

OP isn't here to find ways to get change her child, she's here to find ways of helping him. It is absolutely possible for some kids with ASD to find ways to study that work for them. I once taught a child who recorded himself reading the Science textbook and played it in the background while he played video games. Anything's worth a try, right?!

My point is, it's OK for OP to try to encourage her son to not give up and to try to find ways to fight the avoidance. No, it might not be possible, but it might be.

Nappyvalley15 · 17/12/2023 08:34

Hopefully you will get a swift adhd diagnosis through CAMHS but in your shoes I would still pursue private to and see which appointment comes up first. I would want my child to try medication as soon as possible, especially at this stage in the GCSE cycle. It can take a weeks to get a private appointment. You can still accept the CAMHS appointment when it comes through and switch back to NHS.

Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 17/12/2023 08:55

Hi OP, I work in a school with SEND students in year 11 like your child. Please don't beat yourself up about his results. Our system is all about GCSEs but children are more than exam grades. As he is still being assessed and has only just received his asd diagnosis this is all very new to you and the school.
The main problem we see with students in year 11 whether SEND or not is poor metal health caused by the pressure they are under from the exams and the knowledge that if they mess up they might not get onto their course at college.
Obviously encourage him to do as well as he can at school, dropping subjects might help. Exercise ,sport ,music , cadets , any outside interests will help him maintain positive mental health.
He may not want to accept special exam arrangements no one can force that on him. Maybe his sendco or a senior member of staff could have a chat with him about this. I have seen some students do well with extra time.
Good luck you sound like a great mum!

Heronatemygoldfish · 17/12/2023 09:00

This isn't entirely on topic but might help OP or others with ND DCs due to sit GCSEs.
As a practical help, you could ask the school via the senco if he can be granted supervised breaks in exams.

We belatedly discovered ds could, after he had a panic attack and couldn't finish one in the Y10 summer exams. As long as he's supervised throughout, he gets the break time added back after he reenters the exam room and allows him to refocus.

Just the knowledge this was there helped him through the rest without incident, and we managed to salvage the situation with the affected one.

Reasonable adjustments.

(Yes he's ASD and avoids revision and the like and has poor exec functions.)

Nappyvalley15 · 17/12/2023 09:09

That's a good idea Heron.

Phineyj · 17/12/2023 09:41

The official term is "rest breaks". Worth checking the JCQ regulations (freely available online) as they mean more invigilator time so schools may resist. Also I think they need to be sorted by end January.

christologymum · 17/12/2023 11:23

I'm having similar issues with my DS, he's in the middle of his mocks now so we don't have his results but he got 1/2's in the summer.

I just don't know how to motivate him, he does bare minimum at school, can be distributive, not take things seriously. He's started saying he struggles to concentrate and with ADHD in the family it does make me wonder but not able to do much about this in time now for any adjustments. School seem equally as frustrated with behaviour but also that he could do so much better. He's still predicted 4's in most subjects, and a 6 in maths.

Things I've tried without success, he has an English tutor which he started working with in sept, so I'm hoping there will be some improvement there, and that maybe some of the stuff will carry into other subjects as he struggles with getting his ideas down and making it clear, although the subject knowledge of often there.

Brought revision guides, printed past papers, badgered to get him to just do a few pages a day. Offered to support him, do it with him, created a time table. Talked at length about how harder it will be if he doesn't get the 4's he needs. Offered incentives if he passes, I know he's frustrated with me. Even getting him out of bed and to school on time is a challenge.

He's applied for engineering at college and needs a 4 in maths and English for the level 3. Thankfully he's done engineering gcse and construction for which they are using course work so we know if is on track to pass. He seems keen on the course so I'm hoping if he gets on he will switch on once it's something he enjoys.

I'm similar in that all my friends have high achieving kids and my family the same and I'm trying not to focus on how disappointed everyone will be as I know this is my issue, but it's so frustrating that he is capable of so much more.

Nappyvalley15 · 17/12/2023 14:00

Christo - if you suspect adhd you should get him assessed. It might also affect his attainment on his college course.

christologymum · 17/12/2023 14:42

Thanks, I'm def going to mention it to school, I was thinking it was too late for school now but you're right worth doing anyway for college and beyond, I might even look at a private diagnosis, I have a small amount of savings that would be able to use, can anyone recommend a good one?

The only prob we have is that around here, I'm not sure if this is standard across the country but only school can refer to CAHM's, GP's won't make refs, and when I spoke to school about my daughter they do lots of internal screening first, observing lessons etc before they will make a ref, surely they would have picked it up by now if they had suspicions. He had a tutor for his SAT's and his tutor suggested testing him for dyslexia but school out right said absolutely no.