My DS failed every one of his mock GCSEs

[Choirsinger7]

That's it really, found the results screwed up and he got 3s and 2s in everything. He was predicted 5s last year. All of my friends have high achieving focussed children, and indeed my DD is also one of them, and don't feel I can talk to anyone as feel upset and different to everyone else. He has recently been diagnosed with ASD and is on the pathway to ADHD assessment based on guidance from CAHMs which is undoubtedly having an impact I would have thought. He said he was revising but he didn't really do much despite the school giving the kids lots of support and revision tips and I bought all the study guides for him, watched films on the GCSE English lit texts and offered to sit with him or pay for a tutor (which we can't really afford). He didn't want any of these. He has applied for sixth form for courses he needs 4s and 5s which seems ambitious now, and also a college course where he needs two 4s in English and Maths. Feel pretty distraught and worried for him. Any comforting words or guidance would be gratefully received

He wouldn’t agree to any conditions that made him stand out at school, he values his street cred with his mates (none of whom know he has been diagnosed, his choice)

My eldest failed his GCSE English twice before finally getting a 4 after going to FE college, where they actually assessed him for dyslexia and ASD.

He hadn’t made any progress in English at secondary school at all (and I mean from where he was in the Y6 SATS) and didn’t get the support he needed.

DS2 will likely sail through his GCSEs with 7-9s with no great effort. Because he doesn’t have the issues DS1 does. Theres no point comparing them. Just as there’s no point comparing your DD and DS.

There’s nothing to be ashamed of here. Some young people need additional support and the education system does just about everything to avoid having to provide it IME.

No need to feel ashamed or distraught. My DS wouldn’t sit any mocks but he is predicted a 2 in the two GCSE’s he might sit. There’s always next year or even the year after.

Just focus on getting the support he needs to succeed in the future. He’s probably feeling pretty crap about everything right now and needs your support to help him feel positive about himself

It's not your fault nor his it's a broken system in many cases. Unfortunately with autism too much can have the exact reverse effect especially if pda is present

It’s likely the OP feels ashamed of herself rather than her child.

Rather than berating her and assuming the worst, maybe try some empathy.

Feeling worried for him is natural . Being ashamed isn't .

My DD has no GCSE 'passes', she missed all of y11 with MH issues and also has some SEN. The world hasn't ended. It can be hard if you are friends with parents of high achievers, but remember a persons value is not determined by GCSE results.

Look at college courses at Level 2 where he can resit English and/or maths as needed. He can then progress to Level 3.

If he won't revise at home (not uncommon with kids with ASD) then make sure he attends every after school revision session going. Agree dropping 1 or 2 subjects might help, provided he then uses the time in school to do work (especially if school set it not you.)

No, I can understand why you thought that though.

I've found with my crowd that even though there is the odd one who passes stuff first time, the vast majority need a second go. They're a mixture of ASD/ADHD or both with various other things that can go with it. It's like they have to process the actual big thing, know what it's like and then give it another go later.

He hasn't 'failed' he got grades.he just needs to nudge them up a bit. He can redo them, it's not a big deal OP.

Ah OK. Yes that makes sense.

Best way forward is probably a chat with the school - if your DS would agree to be part of this .

Why are so many people desperate to assume the OP is ashamed of her son? It’s classic people on MN picking up on a single word and using it as a stick to beat an OP.

She has clarified that she feels ashamed of herself. And likely she feels that people will judge her for it.

Please see my post about where I clarify the ashamed comment, I’m not ashamed about him

This happened to my Ds. He was predicted good grades because he is intelligent and has good subject knowledge, but then flunked his mocks.
People with ASD and ADHD struggle with executive function, which means they find planning and preparing for exams almost impossible. They think they are working and revising, but in reality they are just faffing around.
My son struggles in exams because he can’t judge time very well and doesn’t know how much time to spend on each question. He finds essay questions difficult because he can’t plan and the time constraints made him so anxious he couldn’t even start the question. In his maths mock he went to the toilet and didn’t come back. In all his mocks he had missed whole sections of the questions.
What he needed was to be taught how to do exams, literally how to answer the questions, what to do if he didn’t know.
Your son needs to accept the support being offered. My son had extra time, a prompter, smaller room and use of a laptop.
I got him tutors in maths and English and I tutored him in science. I sat with him while he revised. The school were supportive, but not actually that much use because they kept revising subject content not exam technique.
It was hard, hard work, but he got four grade 6s and five grade 5s. So worth it in the end!

Poor child is autistic and had adhd which stands for attention deficite hyperactive disorder . The clue to his issue is right in the op

To feel disappointed for your underachieving child would be normal.

To feel ashamed says it's all rather about you OP. Which isn't a great look.

I've just reread and seen it's his mocks. The actual thing is more stressful and even if he doesn't get the grades expected he can do it again

Put in for extra time now though for the actual exams Don't wait.

Hmmm have two sons with ASD - one is very bright and likely to get 8’s or 9’s in their GCSEs the other is creative and imaginative but finds academic work very challenging. If he gets any GCSE’s at all I’ll be delighted but if not then it’s not the end of the world. Of the two he’s harder working and very diligent. I think whatever job he ends up in will be lucky to get him as he always puts in a lot of effort. We support both of them as much as we can but they need very different help.

If you’ve only recently had an assessment you are going to be going through a kind of grieving period for the son you thought you had before diagnosis. Some of the dreams you had / have for him might not be realistic although many will still be. This is completely normal but I always think later diagnosis can be harder in squaring hopes with reality. Things will get easier be kind to yourself and it’s a wonderful step to get your diagnosis as the support your child needs can be tailored to him … more time in exams, use of a laptop, small group support, study tips that work for this’s with add /asd etc but it’s essential you don’t measure him by the same criteria as your (NT?) DD as that will lead to nothing but misery. How does your DS feel about his diagnosis?

I got copies of my DSs exam papers which was really useful as I could see where he went wrong.

Why are you ashamed? He has ASD and potentially ADHD. I have two dc with ASD. One managed 9 GCSEs grades 4-6 - 2s & 3s at mocks. The other managed none, left mainstream at age 8 due to total lack of understanding. He is currently studying English and Maths GCSEs at college. Both are highly intelligent and have staggeringly intricate, in depth knowledge around their specific interests but just cannot perform well in mainstream environments with all the stress and communal noise involved.

Have to say it made me feel quite angry reading you express shame at him. Go and find out about your child’s conditions and start being his advocate instead of no better than some judgmental onlooker. Is it your friends you’re worried about? What they’ll say? If so you need to take a really hard, long look at yourself. I’ll stop now because I don’t like piling on on MN.

He is on the adhd pathway - he will struggle to revise it’s hard . He is unlikely to be able to be medicated before GCSE’s unless you go private - which it sounds like you can’t afford - focus on maths and English - it’s a bloody tough year .

The system has failed him but he will find a way - I found good diet helps including oily fish if he will eat them - support and encouragement is best advice I can give

There's no such thing as teenager 'laziness' though is there?

There's chronic procrastination and avoidance associated with ADHD and an extreme inability to focus all which can get much much worse as the child gets older due to the changes and increases of the demands put on them.

At primary school the child is coached and 'accompanied' through the work in small chunks. So they get away with having ADHD and it's not noticed.

In secondary school, they are expected to learn on their own.

They cannot focus in class, the words go into a blur, then homework can be very hard to do.

A bright child does not slide this far down in the academics unless something else is going on.

Can you afford a private assessement at an ADHD clinic?

We are on the ADHD pathway, the forms are currently with the school to complete

I get it OP. Try not to beat yourself up though. Just focus on now.

Try some structured time planning for home and holidays.
My son needs constant reminders and body doubling, I am essentially his study buddy and my own evenings and weekends are currently spent managing him and his revision schedule.
We have a planner and timetable on a whiteboard that is very visible for him and set timers on Alexa so he isn't studying for longer than 30 mins at a time.

The key here is that you need to intensley invest your time in him from now until his exams to make up for the lack of provisions that should be in place due to his late diagnosis.
He can get help for college or 6th form eventually, but he needs to be walked through this stage with you holding his hand, you can not leave this up to school and school alone.

Ask at the school/ local college if any sixth form maths and English students would consider tutoring for a small fee. We paid a sixth former to help DD through maths GCSE and she’s now tutoring DS over zoom too (at a much increased rate, of course!) four years after starting with DD! She’s in her second year at uni now and tutors a couple of friends kids too.

Plenty of time for more revision

Get revision notes put up in different colours around the home

Do not pressure him maybe he's just not academic and that's the end of it