My DS failed every one of his mock GCSEs

[Choirsinger7]

That's it really, found the results screwed up and he got 3s and 2s in everything. He was predicted 5s last year. All of my friends have high achieving focussed children, and indeed my DD is also one of them, and don't feel I can talk to anyone as feel upset and different to everyone else. He has recently been diagnosed with ASD and is on the pathway to ADHD assessment based on guidance from CAHMs which is undoubtedly having an impact I would have thought. He said he was revising but he didn't really do much despite the school giving the kids lots of support and revision tips and I bought all the study guides for him, watched films on the GCSE English lit texts and offered to sit with him or pay for a tutor (which we can't really afford). He didn't want any of these. He has applied for sixth form for courses he needs 4s and 5s which seems ambitious now, and also a college course where he needs two 4s in English and Maths. Feel pretty distraught and worried for him. Any comforting words or guidance would be gratefully received

I work with many children who've been failed by our school system and schools will say anything to not put their hands in their pockets and should be geared to dealing with issues much earlier in a child's schooling. We don't need testing, we do need realistic assessments and it is often Years 10 and 11 that flag up needs which could have been addressed much earlier! Unfortunately our 'one size' schooling does not fit all, whether a child with additional needs or even those who are gifted and talented. He has not failed, he has been failed! If you can get a tutor and focus on the English and Maths, then a pass grade will help with his choices at college and beyond and a goal, something to aim for college / occupation wise, even if he changes his mind, can be a great motivator. Ask the school what they are now going to do to help him and don't be fobbed off by their excuses. Push for that EHCP, as it makes a real difference with help at college and extends the time he has for his college courses too.

Just quoting this for the posters that missed it.

There is some good advice on this thread. All is not lost - you just need a plan and your son needs to understand that you are trying to help.

Thanks I have asked MNHQ to remove the ashamed bit as an unnecessary diversion to what has been very supportive and wise advice, which I really do appreciate very much

I don’t think the way you worded things is great. Sounds like you’re ashamed of him as it makes you look bad in front of other people.

I had parents like this and they voiced things like that to me and it was some of the reasons why our relationship is destroyed.

I have adhd and was terrible at school, barely barely passed. My struggle with school persisted through to college - uni but then it all clicked when I did my masters. Don’t think my teachers or parents thought I’d ever get to that academic level. So basically as long as he doesn’t give up, he’ll be fine. Consider dropping what isn’t necessary.

Gcses are just a gate to get you through the next round after that they’re seldom asked for.

I’m not sure you know what a pastoral hub is for - it’s definitely not for babysitting students who don’t go to certain lessons and being provided 1-2-1 tutoring.

The student has ASD and ADHD, probably not on the severe end of the scale as it would have been picked up much earlier. They, along with probably 1/3rd of all school students have this and are not diagnosed.

Op is quite correct. He’s not revised or put any effort. They wont get any recognition for ASD and ADHD in the real world and really needs to get on with their work.

Op, if you can afford a tutor, focus on Maths as this is the one most difficult to pass post school. For Science, use FreeScienceLessons and/or Cognito videos on YouTube, in conjunction with revision guides.

@TeenDivided's advice is good. Do that.

I suggest you also contact the Head of 6th form and ask if (s)he can put you in touch with a couple of year 12s who are neurodiverse so that they can support your son. It can be v useful to meet students who've been through GCSE and come out the other side.

If there's anyone whose judgement your son seems to trust - teacher, sports coach, grandparent? Get them on it too.

I've got a y11 in my GCSE class who's also late diagnosed and feels he needs to be cool and it is very difficult to help!

Also I wish people wouldn't refer to 2s and 3s as "fails". If you are managing a number grade, you can generally manage a higher number grade with more revision and timed practice.

I agree with pp you need to work out exactly what went wrong.
it could be not concentrating in exam. But equally could be enforced errors. Not finishing. So really need to see the papers.
for eg my dd in process of asd/adhd diagnosisp
takes ages to do anything which particularly impacts maths
Makes silly errors and can do better on harder work
doesnt follow instructions - took out calculator but didn t use for chemistry
spent agrs trying to spell one word.

will avoid doing work and homework so if i leave her alone she might not do any

personallly i have awful memory so have to write things out to learn them.

is he sure none of his friends are ND? As my dc and others seem to attract or ND kids as friends.

past papers rwally do help.

Op

I think you might find him slightly relieved to have you take control of this for him.
Totally agree that you need to focus on maths and English. Loads of good resources on line and absolutely he needs to put some effort in as well. Remind him that this is totally doable with a bit of effort on his part ) which it is)
A tutor ( even once a week) would be great if you could stretch to it

My advice would be to try and see if you can get more involved in studying with him. Get him to revise where you can check he’s actually doing it, make sure he’s producing something - mind map/ flash cards/ completing practice papers. Then quiz him to check it’s having an impact on what he can remember. I teach secondary and so many students say they tell parents they’re revising in their rooms but they’re actually playing on their phone/ gaming etc.

It’s not just the use of the word ashamed - your whole opening post was about how he’s not performing as well as your friends’ DC or your DD. About how he hasn’t achieved as much. It doesn’t matter what word you use - you shouldn’t be comparing him at all. No parent should compare their child but knowing that he’s autistic and is looking as if he has ADHD too, it’s an awful thing to do.

This world is really tough when you’re autistic or neurodivergent - it would be helpful to him if you learned more about it, how it manifests and what he needs. Teens are a particularly hard time for autistic kids. The last thing he needs is to feel as if he’s letting you down.

It’s likely he’ll need more support from you in the coming years and it also sounds as if he’s got a long way to go with accepting the diagnosis fully himself. It’s difficult to discover that you’re different - it’s a lot for a teenager to come to terms with and he really needs you onside. There is a lot of solid, practical advice on this thread but you need to forget about trying to keep up with others and focus on supporting him - and maybe consider that his future may look different than you both expected. And that’s fine. There’s a good phrase about autism that I like (as an autistic/ADHD woman myself) - different, not less.

I disagree thar it would be obvious if severe. I mean obviously complete lack of speech. But otherwise, schools dont care (a bit like dyslexia). They are unlikely to specifically say dc may have xyz. Much easier to blame parents.
Schools seem to only see children who cant sit still. Which dd wouldnt do on reception. Not consider the impulsivity. And with work it can look like a child os doing ok but they can be achieveing average when they are top 5% etc. For dd the teacher couldnt find a way for her to get extra time on exams despite her clearly working very slowly (1 maths q per lesson)

But i do agree that if the kid is bright we need to work towards the gcse grades they deserve. That may mean they need a lot of parental support.

It may be the op dc would do better if motovated with a reward?
Dd struggled at primary as no rewards for anything

@Choirsinger7 your DS is actually doing really well still being able to go to school and the way you should be looking at this is that his diagnosis is a positive thing. You can now look at a different pathway to him working/ revising in the best way he can. Unfortunately it's not easy, it's time consuming and frustrating but can be started. What does your DS actually want? Why doesn't he want anyone to know? If everything is hidden it will be more difficult for him really.
I speak from some experience as my DD was also diagnosed with ASD 7 months ago when she was 14. She has refused school for 18 months and only in July this year did she get suitable alternative provision of education. I've no idea if she will ever even be able to sit exams. BUT i'm not ashamed of her or myself or of her diagnosis. Since the possibility of ASD was first mentioned in October last year I feel as if I have done nothing but filli in forms, research therapists for her various issues, attend online meetings and trainings and fight for anything and everything she is entitled to.
You are not a bad mum at all, this is just a slightly different life path that you need to embrace and push the reset button in your brain. Your son sounds as if he has been doing well, but will need you and his other parent if he has one, to reassure him, answer his questions and reassure him. It doesn't matter at all if he doesn't get good exam results now, he can re do them if he wants or push them back a year, or not take exams at all. It doesn't all need to be done now. Let things sink in and concentrate on being a family first.

What a nice mother you are. 🙄

It sounds from the mismatch between his expected grade and actual grade that the problem is not his intelligence but that the exam experience is one that highlights all the. Areas where he has difficulty. Extended periods of concentration, extended periods of revision would be very hard for him - and you both would not realise this as a problem until he hit the mocks.
My own ds had this. I didn’t realise and thought he had not been working. He really tried hard to revise for the actual exams and did poorly. It took ages to realise why and I regret so much that I did not help him by finding out how his brain worked and what he needed. He eventually did this himself. Good luck to you both in finding out what way he learns best - and every sympathy to both of you

It's a tough one but, you can't make him revise if he has additional needs he is going to already be struggling.
Exams don't suit everyone they are so narrow and the teaching and revising methods are just one size fits all

My dd with no additional needs struggles to settle on a revision method, her GCSE predictions are ok (not 8/9's) but I am not ashamed by her. I just support the best I can, she understands it is all on her and if she fails maths and English she retakes them. It really is not the end of the world. I think she could do better if she put more effort it but I cannot force her

Please don't compare with other children, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Maybe your ds will be better doing retakes at college, from my experience they support ND children better than secondary is able.

He has many years to find his way he just needs your support I am sure it is very hard but he needs you in his corner.

Think about what will happen if he fails rhe essentials, what will be your plan?
I say again education is a one size fits all and with this it lets loads of children down.

Completely agree.

Schools are primed to look for disruptive, explosive children - many of our neurodivergent children are failing quietly in the corner as no one is paying attention to them.

Autistic burnout and overload can be catastrophic but can manifest inwards rather than outwardly. And there are different forms of ADHD - the one that everyone talks about is the hyperactive type but there’s also inattentive, and mixed. With these latter two types you won’t see a “naughty” child disrupting a classroom. It may look as someone who’s just not concentrating, or they’re daydreaming/not listening properly. It’s not deliberate - it’s to do with executive function in the brain.

Additionally, autism and ADHD can pull in opposite directions, making it even harder to spot to the untrained eye (and I include schools in this as the training given to teachers is woefully inadequate for what they’re expected to do/know).

Also, there’s a lot of misconceptions around “mild” autism and ADHD. It still has a very profound effect on the individual and constantly managing their needs in a world that’s not really set up for neurodivergence is exhausting. What other people see as “mild” often doesn’t feel mild on the inside.

If it's any consolation, I failed two of my mocks (back in the olden days) and got low grades in several others, but I got all As except for one B in the real thing.

I am sending you a very big hug...

My son has ASD and ADHD... he's 17 and was diagnosed at 11.

He is very bright and always been engaging and inquisitive... was predictors high grades and we are from a pretty academic family with friends whose kids all seem to effortlessly do well.

He was very impacted by covid but when he went back in yr 10 it was a car crash and he just kept failing everything and his behaviour deteriorated. Was a really tough time for all of us and I think we lost our boy for a while.

In the end we took him out school and put no pressure on him to revise.

He went and sat the exams and passed maths and English.

He's since been to college and found it hard to style but is now doing car body work course and enjoying it. He has a girlfriend and our boy is back.

The system just doesn't suit our kids and they need to find their own path. Be kind to yourself, try to support him on maths and English as minimising resits willl help.

You will find a different path together, don't beat yourself up about the late diagnosis... nothing could have made my son pass GCSE's... doesn't mean he isn't clever, his brain just works in different ways...

Just love him and reassure him that it will be ok ( I think the hardest thing for my DS was being around kids that got it all day and he just didn't.)

Neurodiverse brains are fab but kids with ADHD just don't fit with exams.

Let go of the guilt!

X

OP one of the main purposes of mock exams is to work out which children need a bit of extra support, as there are many who find the whole exam environment stressful and difficult.
You and the school need to put the message across that receiving extra adjustments is a good thing and work out which ones really will help.
2s and 3s at this stage are not bad results and it is perfectly possible with the right sort of help to turn those into at least 4s.
In the long term no-one will ever ask what mock results you received.

I haven't read all of the other responses but PLEASE STOP saying he failed. If he has failed he got a U as in ungraded. What you are saying is a fail is the grade that a certain percentage of the country are going to get because of the way the GCSEs are graded. What you mean is that you would like your child to have got a grade 4 or above which is considered a good pass. However, how can every child achieve this when the grade boundaries are adapted yearly so that a certain % don't. Instead support your child to achieve the best grades he possibly can. Encourage attendance at revision session, provide a suitable environment for revision and help to write a revision timetable. If you want to pay for a tutor then that's up to you. The school should be able to give tips as a parent too. Good luck and I hope he gets his 5s in the summer.

I can understand your worries ,i have 3 kids of my own ,my youngest has just done mocks with very little revision ,she is tired of school now i can tell.
What stops me from from worrying to much is that i really don't think secondary school exams are the be all and end all , they all pretty much find their own path in life and there are so many more opportunities to come to learn and achieve.
They are so young ,too young i think to have the pressures they are under.

It might sound odd but it's good that he's upset, it's good that he cares. I suggest you chase up the diagnosis, sort out tutors for English and Maths and push for some subjects to be dropped. The priority is for him to do well enough to qualify for the next stage. Get him to try different revision methods to see what works.

Please try not to worry too much, lots of people tank their GCSES and do just fine once they've left school.

If his GCSEs are really, really needed and he tanks the actual tests, it might be worth paying privately for him to sit the core ones that'll matter most for the next deep in his life.
Would something like an apprenticeship be best for him when he leaves school? So he has relevant physical experience, not all paperwork that's really hard to commit to.

It may even be worth asking the school whether they think focusing all of his energy on select subjects that will serve him well in life over the next 6 months is better than sitting the usual 9 or so exams.

Most kids are also seeing a drop in their expected grades and mock results too- DD was expecting 6/7/8 in her exams, at this point its 4/5 and I think one 6.

Depending what he wants to do - he will usually only need 5 maths/English and and if he wants primary teaching - science. 5 is usually enough for most level 3 courses if he wishes to continue in Ed or for jobs/ etc if he doesn't.
I would focus on the maths /english and the ones he prefers is better at. The point of the mocks is to see where they are currently at - it is an indication but it doesn't mean he cannot lift those grades/numbers between now and the actual exam. Additionally although 8/9 s are all very impressive - unless he needs a specific grade for a specific subject to progress - a 4 is a pass and will get him on to future study. So in context - a 3 is not that far from a 4 and he has time to improve between now and then.

Even worse case scenario he fails them all - he can resit at a college. As long as he is happy and healthy - A GCSE is not the be all and end all and lots take longer than one attempt to succeed at education.

Is he coping well in school with his work if he is predicted better grades?

Is it the exam conditions he can not cope with ?

What have the school said about a dramatic drop, have they give guidance on how to support him futher?