Daughter has not made any friends

[Dizzybelle]

My daughter has has had quite a hard first weeks at her new secondary school. She’s been coming home in tears, most days, saying that she has not made any friends and always sits alone at break times and lunch. This is breaking my heart. Most evenings she cries saying she doesn’t want to go to school. She doesn’t want me to contact the school or her form tutor but I think I should. But then again what could they do to help, in this instance? She said that she doesn’t want other people to be forced to be nice to her. She is shy but once she gets to know someone she is out going and fun.

What else can I do? Has anyone been in this situation - do things work out eventually?

my daughter was the same in year 7, wasnt really until year 8 that she made any friends. hang on in there tho it is tough. ask her about the kids in her class, do any of them like the same things as her, subjects etc. She may not know bt it will make her curious. Does she queue up for anything & can chat to others or even listen in to what theyre talking about or contribute to the conversation. Tell her to listen, its really important. She shdnt be crying tho, tell her it takes time 7 she wont be the only 1 like this. Wishing u much luck as ive been there & know plenty of others too. Make sure she is enjoying her work & encourage her to tell u about which subjects she likes best, not at all etc. Just keep her talking about school in anything that isnt negative.

So, I was this child. Found it really difficult transitioning. I joined sports teams so I’d have something to do at lunchtime rather than wandering alone. I wasn’t the best at any of the sports mind 😂. It took a while but I did finally settle in and formed a friendship group. Unfortunately, there isn’t anything you can do as a parent to remedy this, as upsetting as it is to see. Other than to help build your daughter’s self confidence and try to make her see she is not ‘bothering people’ by talking to them, etc. I was super self conscious that I was imposing myself on others, which looking back as an adult is just daft! I just had zero self confidence.

Thank you to everyone for all your insights and helpful suggestions. I will contact the school but also encourage my DD to try and put her self, out there, more. It’s just so hard to watch her sadness and frustration. But I am hopeful that things will improve.

Ask her to look for other children sitting alone at break times/lunch & ask to sit with them. Often they’ll say “everyone else has friends” but that’s because that’s all they see, they don’t notice the person sitting alone unless they look for them. Those with lots of friends don’t notice either as they are busy & not looking. There could be several others feeling the same that just needs someone to notice them.
If she finds one, encourage them to find another together. They may find themselves a lovely little group
Explain the power of a smile, encourage her to smile at people, sometimes that’s all it takes.
if that doesn’t work, definitely speak to the year head for ideas.

Just ring pastoral team or head of year. Describe how upset your daughter is and they will be able to help.

It's good she told you. Great, in fact. Is she trying and not clicking with anyone? Or shy and hoping someone befriends her?

I never told anyone I had no friends and ate alone. I had really bad social anxiety and was too ashamed to let anyone know. And too proud. Instead, I iternalized that there was something wrong with me. Spent almost all of my lunch time in high school going for walks off grounds in the local neighbourhood (this is allowed in the country where I lived) A couple of girls befriended me when I was 16, saw through my armour, but it pains me when I think of that time. Horribly isolating.

How's your daughter getting on now @Dizzybelle ? I hope things have improved for her.

Yes, I think it’s starting to get better. Touch wood. There are still wobbles but generally she seems to be a bit more positive. She’s thrown herself into her school work and says that she’s actively trying to talk to other pupils. I am more hopeful now that it will get better.

Oh my goodness, I am going through this exact same thing.. my daughter had lots of friends at primary and has branched off alone to our local school.. her choice which we really admire.. but now she is alone and upset about going to school.. I feel so desperate for her.. did your daughter find her tribe in the end?

I am in the same situation. She went to a different school to her friends as I felt this school would offer more support and better opportunities for her learning difficulties (dyslexia and dyscalculia). She has not settled at all. Crying every evening, no friends, doesn't understand the lessons, refuses to try when we get home and instead throws multiple tantrums. She is so frustrated. And I am devastated. I don't know what to do. Rang the school a few times to the point where I think they are sick of me now. They have said its early days and to give her time. Which I agree with to a point but it's very hard when they talk to me on the phone and reassure me and then she comes home saying the opposite has happened and is so distraught. I never imagined the transition would be this awful .

I posted on this thread a year ago, and was myself distraught with this situation 11 years ago. I really remember how challenging it was.

Something a wise friend said to me later was the importance of modelling hope to our young people. Not in a happy clappy dismissing their concerns way. But listening, reflecting back, hearing their reality, and yet offering a slightly older, more robust perspective, where we've been there too, and can see that things will change over time, or we will get them out of there if not. (Not that we need to say the second bit.) When I'm triggered, it is all to easy to fall into my young person's reality. But actually if we can join them in it, reflect it back to them so they know the awfulness is heard, but then suggest it has only been a week, yes its awful and tiring and not what anyone had hoped for, but it will get better, help them see what has changed over the week, that at least they know where they are going next week, or whatever, it helps them believe, in a tiny part of themselves, that it won't always be like this.

@Kelwar @Lakeviewhouse I hear you. I felt like this in the first few weeks of my son starting secondary. He got our 4th preference school and was the only one going from his (large) primary and we knew no one else starting there. All his friends were going to the local boys school and his twin sister to the local girls school with all her friends. We missed out on the boys school due to living a bit too far away - ironically if we’d been applying for this September he would have got in. We appealed for a place at that school with lots of education reasons why it would suit him, but lost.

To compound matters, my son is autistic and doesn’t make friends easily. However, I am pleased to say he has made friends! It has not been easy and he still misses his primary school friends but he has come home from his first few days back in year 8 saying how much fun he has had at break with these friends! I think he has found his ‘tribe’.

One thing I did was to put a msg on the year 7 parents whatsapp group (I know not schools will have this, my daughters school doesn’t) asking if anyone else’s child felt this way - I few parents replied saying their kids were too. A few of us shared photos of our kids so that they could look out for each other. The next morning, a lovely boy approached my son and asked him to join him and his friends at break, and then again at lunch. My son came home that afternoon with a huge smile saying he had made some friends! It was a Friday and such a lovely way to end the week! Unfortunately that boy left the school after a couple of weeks - and moved to the all boys school, which was heartbreaking for my son - but I was so grateful for his kindness towards my son in those initial weeks.