Daughter has not made any friends

[Dizzybelle]

My daughter has has had quite a hard first weeks at her new secondary school. She’s been coming home in tears, most days, saying that she has not made any friends and always sits alone at break times and lunch. This is breaking my heart. Most evenings she cries saying she doesn’t want to go to school. She doesn’t want me to contact the school or her form tutor but I think I should. But then again what could they do to help, in this instance? She said that she doesn’t want other people to be forced to be nice to her. She is shy but once she gets to know someone she is out going and fun.

What else can I do? Has anyone been in this situation - do things work out eventually?

I've been a head of year 7. I would email her form tutor and let them know how she's feeling. Copy in the head of year so they are aware. Be honest and let them know she doesn't want to have a fuss made of her and it's making her reluctant to tell staff how she's feeling. Ask them if they will discreetly talk to a mature student in the form (who looks like a good friendship match) who can invite her for lunch. Ask if there are any lunch time clubs and if so can the form tutor take her to the first session she goes to to help her have the courage to go. The head of year will know the other girls that are feeling the same (your dd will not be the only one) so ask if they can they be introduced by the head of year/ form tutor asking them to do something together like a poster display or an activity that will get them talking. Heads of year 7 nearly fully focus on friendship issues for the first term, it's a typical transition problem that is usually solved through gentle introductions between the various students in the year group. It's really common in the early weeks of year 7 for students to feel lonely, it does get easier and the students do settle. If she likes reading encourage her to go to the library - you might find she meets a kindred spirit there.

Yes, I will definitely be doing that even though she doesn’t want me to. But it’s the right thing to do, and I am it won’t be obvious in any way.

I would try not to make too big a thing of it - it's not going to happen straight away and will take time.

For DS starting to go to some special interest clubs at lunchtime helped - he has ADHD and is not very mature for his age so we were worried, but he found 3 or 4 good friends by the end of Y7.

I would tell the school but it really does depend on the school. My DDs wouldn’t have done much, she’s actually just left after 5yrs and hasn’t got any friends from school. Yes people to nod at but no actually friends. She survived school certainly didn’t thrive there, unfortunately some kids don’t. So she put her energy into out of school activities and has friends through those and now started at a new college for Alevels where she knew no one. I would try the school clubs if they have them and focus on stuff outside school as well.

There are a few from her primary school, but they were in a different form, and they point blank told her that they didn’t want to be her friends
Oh your poor DD, that's just horrible.
Op a couple of years ago my dd was in a similar situation. I spoke to the pastoral team, not sure exactly what or how they did it, but within a week dd had a couple of friends to start hanging out with at lunchtimes. She now has a pose of four mates, which means if one of the girls is off sick, no one's left on their own.
So either suggest your dd talks to pastoral team, or if she's too shy, drop them an email.

My son has gone to a secondary with no one from his large primary. Just had a new-mail today to say he is 22 on the wait list for the school all his friends went to - just a short distance pushed us so much further down the list. He is autistic and less mature than his peers and also has ADHD which causes him to display his emotions very openly - he has cried at break and in class several times.
He also told me he was alone every break and lunch, even if he got talking to kids in class, he didn’t feel confident to approach them at break. I was in a WhatsApp group for parents of year 7 kids at the school and I asked if anyone else’s child was suffering. Some parents suggested sharing photos of our children and one mum showed her son my son’s photo and the next day he went up to my son at break, introduced himself and invited him to join him and his friends! He also spent the lunch break with them too. He came out of school that day so happy saying he “had made some friends”.
I also e-mailed his form tutor and explained that school needed to her involved to help him make friends, I’m not sure what they’ve been doing, I know some teachers approached him at break and tried to encourage him to join some boys to play football, but he felt too intimidated to join them. Break time clubs is a great opportunity, assuming they have some and they are of interest to your daughter.
I hope she gets talking to some others this week - it is so heartbreaking when they tell you they spend break alone.

I remember holding my crying son (7 maybe at the time) telling him I know it’s hard but I promise it will get better and he will make friends, even though I didn’t know what would happen. He did eventually make friends but it’s a heartbreaking thing

My daughter went to a secondary school where she knew nobody and they had to go away to camp in week 2! Sounded like a nightmare to me but the school assigned them to cabins and activities to mix them up and it worked like a dream, she came back with a friendship group.

I would definitely get the school involved but ask them to be discreet.

My Dd had the same. She has never really made friends (very tough crowd) beyond a couple of short lived friendships and I will move her for a levels to a larger school where she can find her tribe. Hopefully it won’t be the same for your child but it can happen so also consider strengthening or creating out of school activities and friendships

Same with my dd she is autistic and struggles massively to make friends. All the other girls seem to have paired up already so she is alone. I've asked her form tutor for some help but it's heartbreaking.

If the children from your DD's primary school have told her that they don't want to be friends with her, then I would wonder if there is more going on. Are they telling others not to be friends with her?
I would definitely email the head of year and let him know and also refer to the fact that hanging out with those she knows from primary isn't an option as they appear to be avoiding her. The head of year & pastoral team can then keep an eye on things and see if they can suggest something.
DD had a complicated start to secondary with a lot of absences which meant she struggled to settle down. DD thought it was just a coincidence that the Head of Year would appear just before lunch time to check what people's plans were for lunch time. When he got to my DD he's breezily say something like "there's so much going on. What are you going to do? That club with that person; that other club with that other person, go to the canteen with that group" and so on and essentially force the issue. By Christmas, she had a solid group of friends.

It’s early days. May get shot down but check she has the “right” bag / skirt / coat / hair etc. Sadly seems to matter at that age. Work on her confidence. Both mine worked through several friendship groups which settled in years 8/9.

Oh I feel her pain - I went to a different secondary school from all the other girls in my primary school and the first weeks were dreadful. I did make friends gradually though. I can't believe the girls she knows didn't let her hang with them just until she found her feet - it makes such a difference just having someone to sit wit at lunch.

What I take from this thread is that schools should focus on getting lunch clubs running right from the start of term for year 7s.

Contact the school, head of year is a good call.

It can be really discrete, things like asking a couple of children to help sort out a cupboard at lunchtime (one being your DD) or take a message to another teacher, asking your DD to show a new pupil round (you do sometimes get students starting a few days late).

Seating plans can also be changed to sit children together you think will get on.

Pairing or grouping for certain tasks.

'lift buddy' if a student has a disability so needs to use the lift then the advice to teachers is to never be alone with a child, a 'lift buddy' means no child is in the lift alone and therefore no teacher / staff member is alone with the child.

Just to add, clubs, sports and hobbies are usually a great way to form friendships. It's difficult when you're shy (I've been there myself!) But she'll have to put herself out there as much as possible and it will happen.

I had this with my son, now yr11. He is very shy, and literally couldn’t speak to new people as he said his voice wouldn’t work. It was unbearable and to be honest Covid was a blessing as we didn’t have the daily tears.

A couple of things we did that helped a little- I contacted the head of year to say how he was crying every day. They started a lunchtime Lego club for him and he also went to chess club where he met 2 friends. During covid his tutor set up “feel Good Friday” where she would encourage online conversations around topics such as “this is my favourite book” or “a sport I love is…”
He found it easier to type than talk and made a friend in his tutor group.
Hes still only got 4 friends but that suits him as it’s his nature, and the children he is friends with are similar.
It will get easier, for you and her, but you have my full sympathy as I know how upsetting this time is.

Have you tried getting involved? Making an effort with parents that have dds at the school and doing meet ups w the ones that live close by? Has she joined clubs? Sports? That is the best way to meet people. The most important is the first few weeks when people are open to meeting new friends.

My dc were similar - I told them to always have a book in their bag so that at break, lunch, waiting for bus etc if they were on their own they a11 engaged in something rather than looking alone, a similar tactic another poster has previously suggested.

Joining things is definitely the way to go. School choir is usually open to all (or school band/orchestra if she plays an instrument or would like to learn) and always a good option - making music is a great way to have fun and make new friends. Maybe you could suggest she has a chat with the music teacher to see what's on offer? Once you've got common ground/shared experiences, it so much easier to make conversation and hang out with people.

I really feel for you both, but speaking to a kind teacher might be the only way. Many years ago we had a Lebanese girl fleeing the war join our class, she was fluent in French and Arabic, but her English wasn’t great, so it was very tricky. She was sat next to me in class ( I think to separate me from my friend tbh ) and I was told to look after her. Of course I wasn’t terribly happy about it but tried to do my duty and we became very very good friends for decades. You never know how it will work out if the school helps her to make friends, and hopefully she won’t know you’ve intervened.

If your child is struggling and the school has a library, find out if they use students as helpers. Helping out in the library at break/lunch times can be a great option to help deal with overwhelm, not be alone and have a sense of purpose. Also potentially a way to meet similar kids.

This happened to me. I started Secondary School only vaguely knowing one person. I hated it and sat alone at every break time. I chatted to people easily enough in class but they all had their network of friends so I found it hard to break into that. My mum used to come and meet me at lunch time and take me out so I had less time on my own (back when we had and hour and a half for lunch) and she’s since told me they had considered moving me to the school where all my Primary School friends went (we had moved house).
It took until going back in the January term before I settled, but once I had, I never looked back and I was glad I’d stayed.
I joined lots of clubs at lunchtime/after school as I was quite sporty (they seem to have a more varied set of clubs these days for kids not into sport).
I would definitely mention to the form tutor, but it will need time - it’s only been a few weeks at the most. It must be heartbreaking to watch, but do all you can to make her feel valued/supported and give it lots of time.

Can you host a party?

I don’t know any of the parents and at the moment have no way of initiating any kind of contact. As far as I can tell, we don’t live near any one who also goes to the school. The clubs will be starting up in a few weeks, so I hope she will sign up for a few.

Yes, I think this is the best way forward, to contact the form tutor and head of year, despite my DDs insistence that I don’t. And the library idea is great, as she does love to read.