Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Daughter has not made any friends

137 replies

Dizzybelle · 17/09/2023 21:21

My daughter has has had quite a hard first weeks at her new secondary school. She’s been coming home in tears, most days, saying that she has not made any friends and always sits alone at break times and lunch. This is breaking my heart. Most evenings she cries saying she doesn’t want to go to school. She doesn’t want me to contact the school or her form tutor but I think I should. But then again what could they do to help, in this instance? She said that she doesn’t want other people to be forced to be nice to her. She is shy but once she gets to know someone she is out going and fun.

What else can I do? Has anyone been in this situation - do things work out eventually?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 17/09/2023 21:24

Did she have lots of friends at primary ?

MoreOfThis · 17/09/2023 21:27

Any lunchtime clubs she can go to? And I would contact the school, year 7 head of year, year 7 form teachers and pastoral know this happens a lot and may be able to help her settle.

Are there no children from her primary at the school?

Dacadactyl · 17/09/2023 21:28

I take it she's the only one from her primary to have gone to this school?

I'd advise her to sit with different people in each class and start chatting to them one on one. She will be scared of being rejected but it's the only way. She has to put herself out there. If they have a seating plan, in some ways it makes it easier, tell her to slowly start talking to the person week in week out. Tell her to ask them what they're up to this evenjng/weekend. She will learn what her peers are into and she will find someone who likes the same stuff.

My DS has gone to high school this year with a number of kids from his primary, but they're all clubbing together and he's only mentioned 2 new kids he's chatted to. I'm trying to get him to branch out.

It's early days for her, try not to worry. I think an email to the form tutor saying that she's struggling a bit would be in order, just to see if they have any ideas or if they could do some more icebreaker type stuff with them.

Hang on in there, she'll find her people. Just reassure her and build her confidence telling her to talk to people she's sitting next to. Not everyone will bite, but someone surely will.

Also, look into some extracurricular for her to build her confidence.

Original poster
Dizzybelle · 17/09/2023 21:31

DustyLee123 · 17/09/2023 21:24

Did she have lots of friends at primary ?

Yes, she did.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dizzybelle · 17/09/2023 21:32

MoreOfThis · 17/09/2023 21:27

Any lunchtime clubs she can go to? And I would contact the school, year 7 head of year, year 7 form teachers and pastoral know this happens a lot and may be able to help her settle.

Are there no children from her primary at the school?

Yes, I think there are clubs starting up in the next few weeks which I will encourage her to sign up to.

There are a few from her primary school, but they were in a different form, and they point blank told her that they didn’t want to be her friends l.

OP posts:
lljkk · 17/09/2023 21:33

(now yr11) DS got to March of yr 7 with no friends. Well, maybe one lad for a day who came round, once. But as good as no friends, no gang, no one to eat lunch with.

Then covid hit & he barely went to school... then they were in 'bubbles' where they only saw the same other 25 kids every day for about a year.

Finally in yr9 he made friends. Hallalulah. Now he tells me his bestie has long been Ben, who lives 15 miles away & we haven't met yet. I think he'd still like more of a steady gang, but things have worked out ok. DS has also made buddies at cadets & via PGo.

Original poster
Dizzybelle · 17/09/2023 21:34

Dacadactyl · 17/09/2023 21:28

I take it she's the only one from her primary to have gone to this school?

I'd advise her to sit with different people in each class and start chatting to them one on one. She will be scared of being rejected but it's the only way. She has to put herself out there. If they have a seating plan, in some ways it makes it easier, tell her to slowly start talking to the person week in week out. Tell her to ask them what they're up to this evenjng/weekend. She will learn what her peers are into and she will find someone who likes the same stuff.

My DS has gone to high school this year with a number of kids from his primary, but they're all clubbing together and he's only mentioned 2 new kids he's chatted to. I'm trying to get him to branch out.

It's early days for her, try not to worry. I think an email to the form tutor saying that she's struggling a bit would be in order, just to see if they have any ideas or if they could do some more icebreaker type stuff with them.

Hang on in there, she'll find her people. Just reassure her and build her confidence telling her to talk to people she's sitting next to. Not everyone will bite, but someone surely will.

Also, look into some extracurricular for her to build her confidence.

Thank you. That’s a good idea, I think she’s just fearful of more rejection, but I guess that in its self is a life lesson, sadly

OP posts:
Original poster
Dizzybelle · 17/09/2023 21:35

lljkk · 17/09/2023 21:33

(now yr11) DS got to March of yr 7 with no friends. Well, maybe one lad for a day who came round, once. But as good as no friends, no gang, no one to eat lunch with.

Then covid hit & he barely went to school... then they were in 'bubbles' where they only saw the same other 25 kids every day for about a year.

Finally in yr9 he made friends. Hallalulah. Now he tells me his bestie has long been Ben, who lives 15 miles away & we haven't met yet. I think he'd still like more of a steady gang, but things have worked out ok. DS has also made buddies at cadets & via PGo.

So glad it’s worked out for your son.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 17/09/2023 21:36

Tell her not to give up and that it's very early days. She won't be the only child feeling like this either. It's a numbers game and the more she puts herself out there the more potential friends she will meet.

Just keep telling her that she will get there and to keep persevering.

fubared · 17/09/2023 21:38

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but, honestly, it will get better.

I had this with my DD. She was the only one from her primary that went there, missed her old school friends etc. I quickly utilised both her head of year and the head of pastoral care who were absolutely brilliant. After about six months (sounds long, I know, but hang in there) she had completely settled. She is now in sixth form there and absolutely thriving.

Sending lots of hugs to you and your DD Flowers

Annaishere · 17/09/2023 21:38

I have some experience of this with my son and apart from when he was really young things only got better when he moved schools. He moved to where his old friends were from primary school, coincided with a house move. Is that an option for you ?

Borris · 17/09/2023 21:39

This was my daughter last year. If I'm honest it took her until the 3rd term to properly make some friends but now she is so much happier. I encouraged her to go to lunchtime clubs and that helped both with meeting friends and also just not being on her own at lunchtime. It will get better but it is heartbreaking to watch them struggle

Dacadactyl · 17/09/2023 21:39

@Annaishere I think that moving schools is a very drastic option when the child has only been in the school for a fortnight!

Annaishere · 17/09/2023 21:41

@Dacadactyl the thing is at that age they make friends through mixing groups partly made up of their primary school friends, and OPs DD doesn’t have one

Dacadactyl · 17/09/2023 21:43

@Annaishere I agree with you to some extent but I'd give it more time I'd I was OP.

Original poster
Dizzybelle · 17/09/2023 21:43

Annaishere · 17/09/2023 21:38

I have some experience of this with my son and apart from when he was really young things only got better when he moved schools. He moved to where his old friends were from primary school, coincided with a house move. Is that an option for you ?

Not an option, sadly. Glad to hear it worked out for him.

OP posts:
MoreOfThis · 17/09/2023 21:45

Ds2 went to a school that no one from his primary went to. At breaks and lunch he decided he would walk round the playground rather than sit because sitting made him look alone whereas walking he could be walking to friends. Some lad saw him walking and asked what he was doing, he said just walking around because I don't know anyone, that was the start of a beautiful friendship. They have been mates ever since and they are now in year 13!

Maybe walking round would be better for her than sitting alone. Sadly they do need to try to put themselves out there. Kids talk about all sorts, maybe she could pick something she watches and see if anyone else has watched it.

Pammela2 · 17/09/2023 21:45

I would contact the school but ask for it to be kept on the down low.

I am a teacher and I purposefully try to make specific groups for tasks to encourage new links or have a little word in some nice and friendly kids ears to encourage them to chat to someone who is quieter.

Kids usually find their own way though and there will be other children who are quiet and waiting for a new friend too. It’s rough though.

Original poster
Dizzybelle · 17/09/2023 21:47

Yes, I keep telling her that things will get better, she just has to hold on and not be afraid to talk to people, not to be embarrassed to do that. I think wants the clubs start, I think this will be easier. At least I hope.

OP posts:
EllaB22 · 17/09/2023 21:47

I would contact her FT just to let her know how your dd is feeling - Ive been a head of year in the past and would want to know to support her in school. It could even be small, discrete supports.

Original poster
Dizzybelle · 17/09/2023 21:48

I will that tomorrow. Thank you

OP posts:
MoreOfThis · 17/09/2023 21:50

@Pammela2 that is so lovely and thoughtful. This is why teachers need to know. Ds1 had an amazing head of year, well all of them really but they had a day where off site where they deliberately split up primary friendship groups to allow everyone a chance to meet someone new. I have never forgotten that and Ds1 is now 20.

theduchessofspork · 17/09/2023 21:52

It’s hard but you gotta override her and parent. poor her and poor you.

Hopefully they will have lunchtime clubs which means she won’t be alone and will slowly make friends.

Speak to the school tomorrow, insist on a phone chat with the head of pastoral care and a plan.

Annaishere · 17/09/2023 21:54

I’m sorry your DD is going through this. It’s a hard thing to watch as a parent. Hopefully things will get better x

gingeristhenewblack43 · 17/09/2023 21:56

I think you should be contacting the Head of Year. They would rather that emailed / phoned them than letting a child struggle on when they can help.