Daughter has not made any friends

[Dizzybelle]

My daughter has has had quite a hard first weeks at her new secondary school. She’s been coming home in tears, most days, saying that she has not made any friends and always sits alone at break times and lunch. This is breaking my heart. Most evenings she cries saying she doesn’t want to go to school. She doesn’t want me to contact the school or her form tutor but I think I should. But then again what could they do to help, in this instance? She said that she doesn’t want other people to be forced to be nice to her. She is shy but once she gets to know someone she is out going and fun.

What else can I do? Has anyone been in this situation - do things work out eventually?

I was this little girl granted quite a few years ago now, but she’ll make friends eventually, so she have an interests I ended up making friends with someone because we both loved the show NCIS and CSI and then we ended up with a group of fiends by year 9. It just takes time unfortunately.

Op it's so hard and heartbreaking to think of any child being lonely and not having any friends.

My dd has just started at secondary. She would be on the shy side (in new social settings) but otherwise confident. We've had loads of chats and I've advised her to fake it til she makes it. We've spoke about body language (being open, smiling, head up etc) and we've practiced lots of back and forth conversations and discussed conversation starters. All have really helped her and last week she started to chat to other girls and feels much happier.

Could you ask the school if there is anyone in your area they could connect you to? Our school made it possible to connect with who lives close to you. I reached out to the parents and everyone was happy to meet etc. My dd did not know anyone at her new school so I made sure to find people before she started that we could meet. It worked so she settled in well. I also just asked around and anyone that knew someone that knew someone going to the school I asked for contact details etc. Lots of people were doing this at the school as well. Everyone was happy to connect and meet.

If the above is not possible, the next best thing is clubs. Sign up to as many clubs possible. One famous person said they once joined all the clubs they could so they never had to sit alone at lunch. This also helps you make friends finding common interest.

Oh God, I totally understand you, I am in exactly the same situation with my daughter. She is the only one who doesn't have a primary friend with her and everyone else know eachother! She is by herself at break time and lunch time as everyone else go with their primary friends from within the same form or the other forms! She feels ignored,excluded and the school is also not helpful at all! She is very sociable, she goes and gets involved but they ignore her. To the point where I am thinking to pull her out and home school for a while! I am stressed out and have no idea what to do! Hopefully it will get better for your daughter

My son started secondary with all his primary school friends. There was a big group of them all joining. One day I had a random message from someone I didn’t know saying that their son had also joined the school but with no one from his primary. He was very shy, struggling to make friends and very anxious. She said her son had mentioned my son in passing as someone who is popular and has lots of friends and he just wishes he was friends with him. She asked if there was any way I could help facilitate that. Of course I spoke to my son, we invited them over on the weekend for lunch, I asked my son to look out for him in school and include him and to also introduce him to his friendship group and invite him to group meet-ups after school.

It was only a couple of weeks later that this boy had a group of friends. He isn’t massively close to my son these days but from those initial introductions, it got him out of his shell and he was able to make some good friendships.

His mum was very brave reaching out like that but I think most mums of year 7 kids would understand and be happy to help in any way they can.

Is your daughter able to mention any names of kids she’d like to get to know so that you could try and get in touch with the mum whilst everyone is in the “meet and greet” phase?

I'd contact head of year and see what's available to help. There are often various drop in clubs/ classes on at lunchtime/ breaks that people can go to. Even if it's just a manned homework club it'd give her somewhere to go.

Just a quick message to say - this was me! I went to a school without anyone from primary school and felt very lonely at first. It was a big change: I was very acutely aware of being "the poor kid" (it was fee paying, but my parents being skint meant I had a bursary) - and for about 3 months my parents considered moving me. However, I did find my people eventually - the other kids like me - by volunteering as a prefect and going to chess club. Geeks for the win! I'm still very close friends with three or four of them: bridesmaids, godmothers to each others' kids, etc.. Most of those who were mean to me are still friends with their cliques too. Your girl will find her stride eventually; it is really, really tough, but she will be OK in the end. Take care xx

My daughter was also the only one from her primary to go on to her particular secondary - a grammar as we're in a grammar school county. She also found it hard and really didn't want to go to school for the first couple of months. She is pretty outgoing but the school - a girl's selective - does attract a certain type of introverted intellectual, which isn't a bracket my daughter fits into. But eventually she did find a 'tribe' to fit into - they're not in her class, she met them through bands. The first few weeks at a new secondary are always hard but your daughter will get there in the end. I remember a friend - who sent her daughter to the same school as mine - saying her daughter cried every day for the whole first year!

My DS' school have a quiet room with jigsaws and board games at lunch time. Some pupils are actively encouraged to go there, others are allowed if it's not too busy

My dd went to high school that was out of catchment for her primary school so she didn’t know anyone at first, she found year 7 really hard. In the end I did speak to her tutor and they put things in place to encourage her to make friends. Her school run a lunch time club where people that were struggling could go to chill out, play computer games and mix with others ho were struggling, she made several friends there and felt safer there than on her own in the playground.

Starting secondary school is horrid. I remember going through similar experiences with my DC. The advice from the school (which worked really well) was to join whatever clubs/bands/societies/sports that were available. They are still friends with the kids they met in the clubs 15-20 years later.

I would mention it to the head of year. My daughter was similar but she was invited to a board games club which was for kids struggling to make friends where she got to know a couple of others feeling similar. Through that she found a couple of people to hang around with and that gave her confidence. She's got some proper friends now heading into year 8, though has only just started to see them out of school. It's a long game.

It's 2 weeks in, there is no need to panic yet. But definitely knock any school refusal on the head mum.
Agree with the PP about clubs. It's really hard, but she will get there.

When my DC started secondary school each form class had a couple of older 'buddies' to help with stuff like this. Of course it depends how good and involved they are.
Speak to the school discreetly, she really won't be the only one.
Might youngsters from your area be using public transport to get to school? You could look out for the uniform?
Get your DD to look for other kids on their own, rather than trying to break into a group. (If she does get blanked the embarrassment will be much less.) Don't target the popular ones unless they approach her, speak to other quieter people.

Some people make friends a lot more quickly than others. It's early days. Re-assure her that things settle down. There's a massive amount of friends movement in the first few weeks as people find out their early "friends" aren't really their kind of people after all, and they move on themselves to find others.

The "out there" types will have latched on to people they were stood next to or sat next to, for what may be pretty fleeting friendships and then move on to more of "their kind" of people after the first few days.

It's exactly what happened with my son. He, too, had no one in his form from his primary school, and despite him being pretty quiet/shy, another lad latched on to him and they were pretty inseparable for a couple of weeks, until he ditched DS and found someone else to latch on to. That left DS "friendless" for a few days as they'd been virtually joined at the hip, but as others flitted between friends, he soon found others to get friendly with and it all sorted itself out with him having several friends by half term.

This was me 30 odd years ago. My mum gave me a very good piece of advice to get to the classes early so I could sit in a desk that had an empty desk near me, rather than have to walk in and feel like I would get turned down asking to sit next to someone. It worked well. Still took me nearly a whole term to adjust to it after being in a v small primary.

Some kids do find it harder to adjust than others. A quiet call to the pastoral team wouldn't go amiss - do they have a buddy system they could use maybe?

It is very early days. Alot of them would be clinging to primary friends. I would contact the tutor. They may well be able to buddy them up with someone else in the same boat or at least keep an eye. The clubs may well help. Pastoral area? Library?

@Dizzybelle my daughter was the only one from her small primary to go to her secondary. Covid meant there was no settling in or mixing prior to starting in year 7. Within a few weeks my normal bubbly daughter was struggling to settle and make friends. I was really worried had we made the wrong choice (she was also keen to go to this school so I mean all of us not us as parents) I spoke to the school particularly her form tutor against dd wishes. I tried to encourage her to engage with other kids. Anyway by October half term she had a couple of girls she was friends with but not ‘her people’ by the January she had found her tribe. Now she’s in year 10 and she has so many friends I struggle to keep up and her social life keeps me on my toes (and depletes the bank balance!) but she is so settled.

I was sick with worry during those early days but she will find her crowd and a few years down the line this will be a distant memory.

Oh Op I know how hard this can be on both of you. Contact the school sooner rather than later, encourage clubs in school and also felisha54's advice is great about body language and conversation starter help. As soon as she thinks she's found a fellow spirit or more, invite them over for a "hang out" as they call it. Wish I'd had all you lovely mums for advice five years ago. My daughter's just moved for 6th form and fingers crossed it'll be better this time as we've learnt all these things along the way. All the best to you both.

My DD has also recently started secondary school and struggled at first - she has a couple of classmates from primary school in her class but doesn’t get along with them (she had a big friendship group in Yr6). Most of her new classmates moved up from the junior school. She was miserable at first but we talked about how the kids from the junior school were probably sticking together for comfort/familiarity rather than necessarily being in the same friendship group. Sure enough, they have started to split up and mingle more with the rest of the class. I would highly recommend watching Mean Girls and Easy A and discussing some of the themes around cliques, peer pressure, betrayal etc. Also, I think girls can get too hung up on the idea of a BFF when really, it’s best to have a wider circle of friends rather than letting a clique/individual have too much power/hold over them.

I would definitely let the form tutor know in a discreet way. Most schools are very good at pastoral care. Your daughter won’t be the only one feeling this way and after all secondary school is really hard and challenging and it does take time to settle in hopefully the after-school clubs will help.

Heartbreaking for you though!

It may or may not change, it is partially down to luck and who is not already in a clique too. I had it somewhat with dd, came from a primary where she had very few friends and minor bullying, and they all went to the secondary together, along with others from different primarys... she ditched the primary people and made a big effort, and it paid off. Now v popular and friends coming out of her ears....DD will need to make some efforts and try to get in with some people. There may be things you can do, as there is some fronting involved with making friends in this situation, eg making out you have some outside friends, working on appearance, as some kids are quick to shun any differences (not saying there is) frumpy uniform style etc Even the latest coveted backpack can work wonders for getting noticed (fickle I know). Maybe have some talking points ready to have in common with them and dd can invite them out to look at the shops or get a pizza in ones and twos perhaps, just say I am going to revamp my wardrobe, you want to meet up and help me pick?

OP this was also me. I was the only one in my form who didn't know anyone, and I spent about a term and a half utterly miserable. I used to literally count down the hours til the end of the school day. I made the mistake of trying to be friends with one particular group who clearly had no interest at all, but I didn't give it up as I didn't really know how to approach another group! It was one of the worst times of my life.

But it was the making of me.

By spring term I eventually made wonderful friends, most of whom I'm still in touch with decades later. And I swanned off to university without a care, because I knew it couldn't possibly be as difficult as those first months at secondary school, and I'd got through that so I could definitely get through freshers week!

Speak to her form tutor (my mum did but she didn't tell me), they will help. Keep home nice, calm and welcoming for her. Encourage her to stick at it and trying talking to as many different classmates as she can. She'll get through it and she will be significantly more self-assured in the end.

They should have something in place to deal with this as it is absolutely normal. One of mine refused to go to school at all by the third day so I had to involve the school. The HoY, pastoral and form teachers were all involved.