Daughter has not made any friends

[Dizzybelle]

My daughter has has had quite a hard first weeks at her new secondary school. She’s been coming home in tears, most days, saying that she has not made any friends and always sits alone at break times and lunch. This is breaking my heart. Most evenings she cries saying she doesn’t want to go to school. She doesn’t want me to contact the school or her form tutor but I think I should. But then again what could they do to help, in this instance? She said that she doesn’t want other people to be forced to be nice to her. She is shy but once she gets to know someone she is out going and fun.

What else can I do? Has anyone been in this situation - do things work out eventually?

I think there is some good advice here. I’d add that it’s worth encouraging/supporting her to maintain primary school/existing friendships in the evenings or at weekends. It took me a while to find my group in year 7, but keeping up my close friendships outside school helped boost my confidence and protected me from feeling too lonely.

Contact school - they’ll be discreet. Also sign her up to some school clubs so she can make friends in comfortable settings. I went to a new school at 15 and had no friends and a “funny accent”.. it was horrible and I’d do everything in my power not to put my children through that!

Hi, definitely get in touch with her form tutor, the pastoral teams in school are there to ensure students are happy & thriving. Not making friends needs to be addressed. The form tutor can help facilitate ideas and plans such as encouraging her to join clubs (sports, none sports etc), as well as discussing seating plans for with class teachers. Lots of y7s struggle with the transition - especially if from small primaries or out of the area etc. pls do advocate for her.

I'm a secondary school teacher. Definitely contact the Form Tutor and Head of Year. Keep them informed with what's been happening. When the clubs start up, friendships are much easier. Outside of school keep up her regular clubs and activities or make play dates with her old friends while she is settling. I know it's so hard but it 100% gets easier, its very early in the new school year and she WILL find her tribe.

I work at a secondary school and you should definitely contact them. There are lots of things that can be done to help. Buddying up, support at lunch and breaks, changing seating plans if necessary, encouraging friendships.

Reassure your daughter that a lot of students feel this way at the start of a new school. Everything seems big and scary, she will get used to it and she will ‘find her people’. Keep the faith and continue to support her. How she’s feeling now is temporary. Fast forward a few weeks she will feel entirely different.

Every day I get calls from parents, we do little ‘welfare checks’ and touch base with those who need it.

School will help her, I’m sure of it. Good luck 👍🏼

I haven’t read the whole thread. I don’t need to say what I want to say.
I was exactly this in school - many years ago. It was miserable, every day for years. I had so many friends outside of school, so weekends etc. were amazing, but those school hours were just awful. For 3.5 years.
How did it change? My parents happened to move house, and so I had to move schools. My next school was completely different and I had plenty of friends and was happy there.
Give it some time for her to settle in, but not too long for it to impact her sense of self. If it’s that awful - and if you can - please move her somewhere else. Research the social culture first and try and match the new school with your daughters personality and way of being if possible.
Good luck - my heart goes out to her. Xx

I’m an ex secondary school teacher and mum of 13 year old who had difficulty making friends in Year 7. Definitely speak to head of Year 7 - they basically spend the majority of Autumn term working on settling in issues, mainly friendships. (She doesn’t need to know you’ve spoken to HOY). Also, many schools have a little lunchtime club for anyone who is struggling to make friends - if you speak to HOY they can invite her. And don’t worry, things change so much through year 7 and I would say most kids don’t settle into actual “real” friendship groups until year 8.

Having been a y7 from tutor for many years- this is definitely something that you should chat to her tutor about. They may have noticed something that could help nudge her towards someone friendly, could point her towards a club or even casually introduce her to some other people. There will be lots they can do. It is honestly so normal for some children every year to take some time to find their feet. They all come up with pre-conceived friendship groups and within weeks they’ve all fallen out/ drifted apart/ moved onto other groups so there’s always lots of movement at this time of year. It will get better (and it is really hard and heartbreaking as an adult to see them struggle so much!) but it will improve. It’s still very early days.

I felt so sad when I read your post OP. I had exactly the same situation with my oldest DD. She started high school two years back. It was truly heartbreaking as a parent so I know exactly how you’re feeling. I did speak to the school but it didn’t really help … sadly the isolation slipped in to bullying. She became the odd kid who had no friends. And it perpetuated. Every morning was torturous. She went back to school last September and it begun again so I removed her. She’s been home educated for the last year and is just so much happier. She was assessed for ASD and diagnosed with mild autism. I think this affects her social ability as she’s wired differently, very mature for her years and I think she was possibly intimidating for her peers who were likely unable to connect with her. I wish I had some advice to impart - kids can be really, really horrible … try the clubs but for me no education is worth the damage school was causing to her mental health.

Oh gosh that is just awful.
I would 100% contact the form tutor and put your daughter on their radar. They can make her teachers aware and mindful of seating etc during lessons. Good luck!

It’s so hard to see your child going through that situation. I’ve had a similar experience when my dd was at secondary school. Like others have said the best thing to do is contact the head of year. I did that and asked her to be discreet as my dd did not want any fuss. She was amazing! She spoke to the form tutor and other subject teachers. She spoke to my daughter too to reassure her and let her know she’s there to help. She helped my dd move tutor group and it was the best move ever. Don’t ignore and let her suffer. Some children just need a little help

My DD struggles with crippling lack of self confidence and also finds it hard to make friends and high school has been really tough for her too. Please contact the school if you haven't already as the Form Teacher, Pastoral Lead and Head of Year will all have tricks for dealing with instances like this. They have buddy schemes and mentors and will be able to suggest a whole host of clubs that your DD can get involved in. In the meantime Mum, just lots of reassurance, which I'm sure you're giving and the age old adage that 'things will get better!' I don't doubt that they will. Good luck

I would be straight in the phone & the school will be happy to support.

We had this, it was heartbreaking. Went with lots of people from primary, all in different classes, massive estate and short breaks. Tears every night and morning. What helped was when a teacher buddied her up with a kid who needed help because they were on crutches. It wasn’t a forever friendship, but it got her through the hardest times. Good luck OP, it really is an awful time and I think highlights the massive flaw in our secondary education system, they’re just young for that transition

I really feel for your daughter and you. It's so hard watching them struggle. It took my daughter to after Christmas to make proper friends. She's so so scared of rejection and unsure of herself but once she gets going she's ok. I would definitely recommend after school clubs and tell her to try to talk to at least one person a day or make eye contact and smile. If she looks sad or upset people might be less like talk as they might think she doesn't want to. What's happened with the old school friends? Have they told her why? This has probably massively knocked her confidence when she needed it most unfortunately

Have you put your daughter in a different school than her primary school friends. If so why not transfer her to that school rather than see her so unhappy?

My child went to a school without primary friends too. I did a search on Facebook and joined a couple of parent groups for the school, and from there a WhatsApp was setup. Maybe worth a look on social media? Best wishes to your daughter.

Sorry OP, that sounds tough. But I think you’re going to have to let her figure it out. Being a preteen girl is hard and I would absolutely respect her wishes about not wanting the others to be forced to be nice to her. This is a huge change, and she will find her own way eventually.

Most secondary schools are on a two week time table, so there’s every chance things will settle once she’s been through the rotation a few times and met everyone again.

I think you should contact the school but not tell her. I started year 7 2weeks later than everyone else not knowing anyone as we had moved house, my form tutor at that time immediately sat me with a group of girls and asked them to look after me, although I didn’t stay friends with them all and went on to make other friends I am still friends with one of them 18 years later.

My DD struggled. She just went to the library alone at lunchtime and eventually met another girl lurking in the library, they joined the drama group together and she found a little circle. Lunchtime clubs are great for this. She’s still not a social butterfly at 23! But she’s happy and has a little group of genuinely lovely friends. There is no way she’s the only one, tell her to join anything club-wise and also to look out for others in the same situation, they will be there.

Similar happened to my DD , she knew no one in secondary school and all her class had established friendship groups. The girls were all paired up and not friendly . I contacted her tutor to say she always had to sit by herself , he wasn’t helpful , saying he wasn’t going to move individuals / desks to try and help . After a whole term I managed to get her moved to another class and from day one everything changed. The girls were much more friendly , totally different dynamic in the class and she has made really good friends. Some girls can be little bitches at that age and enjoy leaving someone out . DD was young for her age and pretty which I don’t think helped .

I'm a secondary teacher and a year 7 form tutor. I would recommend contacting the school. You could ask them not to mention it her. (I realise this seems like a bit of a betrayal but I get that she might find conversations about it really humiliating.) If a parent contacted me regarding this, I would do stuff in coaching time like little group activities to break the ice, maybe move the seating plan around to let her try out talking to other people and contact other teachers too. I would also agree with people who say it is early days: there are plenty of kids still feeling like they haven't find their place. Clubs will definitely help. We have schemes like library helpers which has been great in helping quieter kids find their tribe. Her form tutor should be able to help signpost her towards them.
I'm also mother of a year 7 kid so I totally get how painful this is.

This was me 20 years ago and I would 100% say talk to the school. I had one best friend in primary I was very close to, she didn't go to my secondary and everyone else had friendship groups already. I still remember walking round alone at lunchtime and break time, it was awful. I did find friendship groups in later years but I think it I had moved form group, it would have helped so much. The girls in my form were either in a group already or were horrible bullies. My friends I later found were all in a different, much nicer form.

I was too embarrassed to tell my mum I had no friends so I just suffered through it. As a parent now, if my DD ever goes through the same even if she told me not to tell school I would - there's subtle things they can do to not make it obvious.

I had Chicken Pox when my first term at Secondary school started and therefore began two weeks after everybody else. They had all made their friend groups and I knew no-one. I had a very rocky first few weeks but I did eventually make friends and settled in. My advice to you and your daughter is to hang in there.

Hang on in there OP. As many people have said it takes a while. My DD ditched all her primary school friends and suddenly after 6 lonely weeks came home with kids from different schools. Now, after COVID, she's back with her primary friends 🤷‍♀️
Are you near to your school? Sometimes its the lunch clubs, after school clubs and just generally meeting up after school that cracks it, rather than lessons and form. My DD still (in sixth form) doesn't hang out with any kids she's in lessons with.