Daughter has not made any friends

[Dizzybelle]

My daughter has has had quite a hard first weeks at her new secondary school. She’s been coming home in tears, most days, saying that she has not made any friends and always sits alone at break times and lunch. This is breaking my heart. Most evenings she cries saying she doesn’t want to go to school. She doesn’t want me to contact the school or her form tutor but I think I should. But then again what could they do to help, in this instance? She said that she doesn’t want other people to be forced to be nice to her. She is shy but once she gets to know someone she is out going and fun.

What else can I do? Has anyone been in this situation - do things work out eventually?

My daughter went through something similar when starting in year 7, all her close friends had gotten into a different school. There were a couple of girls from her primary school but she barely knew them. She went through a bit of a hard time for the first six months, suffering from depression and anxiety. Then she made 1 or 2 friends slowly. Now she's in sixth form, and she has a huge group of friends, one of whom was one of the girls she knew from primary. Hang in there, it will hopefully get better.

My DD also took a while to make friends in Y7, it sounds a bit daft but she felt it was disloyal towards her existing lovely friends who were at different high schools. After a while she got her head around that it’s ok to have multiple friendship groups.

The new friends don’t have to be as ‘good’ as the existing friends either. If that makes sense. Y7 is often the first time in someone’s life they make friends independently not just through the actions of their parents and teachers. So it’s very normal for it all to take a while and feel strange. Good luck to your DD.

It's so hard to see your child go through this but you will both get through it! Definitely contact form tutor/head of year, as they won't "force" people to be her pity friends but instead will carefully coordinate some things so she gets to mix with some new kids, as well as maybe giving her some tasks to complete/assist with so she has some purpose to her break times. Also, if they know what's happening they can keep a discreet eye out for her during breaks, so she doesn't feel so alone. This support will help her get through these tough early weeks, plus they'll be able to give you some feedback so you won't worry as much. Definitely look into the club's, as they will also help her pass the time.
It is going to be hard for her to just approach and start chatting to random kids, who are already in groups. It's not just about her being "brave" because kids inside of the gang won't necessarily feel the need to extend the hand of friendship to a lonely kid and kids can be unkind and lacking in empathy. Definitely try the indirect route and get some structure and purpose to her breaktimes. Love to you both, its tough but it will improve. Xx

Definitely the library is the place to go as she is likely to meet other like minded people there.

It's definitely early days. I moved schools in year 9 so no primary school mixing etc.
ended up with a great group of friends, a lot from my form group and some from different sets of subjects

Bless her, it must be so hard for you both!

I haven’t been in this position but from a grown up point of view, the friends I started secondary school with were totally different to the ones I ended up with. Friendships at this age change so frequently and I know it will feel like the end of the world to your daughter now, she will find her group! Hope she settles soon x

It's still early days but definitely worth mentioning to her head of year. Our secondary school does a buddy up system which can really help.

My daughter has just started year 7 - in a school which goes from Reception to year 8 she's one of 2 new joiners and is also struggling.

In her previous school she was very popular so she isn't used to not having many friends, she does a lot of sports inside and outside of school which seems to be helping.

Is there a parents Whatsapp group?

You could try to arrange something on there (suggest a club she is joining or anything) [XXX's is going to XXX if anyone else wants to come]
or individually message a mum in her class to arrange something?

If it's a big school it's likely some girls in her year will be in the local netball / football ect clubs if she likes something and wanted to join then may have familiar faces at school

Or if you are able to find someone living near you to offer to share lifts ect

They have only been back to school just over a week I'm sure it will improve with time :)

Sometimes schools have areas for kids to go who are finding breaks tough. You might not know about them unless you asked. Eg. Library, board games room. It can be better than standing round feeling left out.

My DD is now 23, but in the July before she started, we were contacted by her college manager, who we knew via our DS, and asked if DD would buddy up/meet during summer, a girl who would be in her form but was the only girl coming from her primary. DD was more than happy to meet her.

She apparently sat alone and was crying at lunchtime on the taster day (she was not usually quiet or emotional and had an older sister who was out of school that day) so her mum contacted college manager and asked if she could be put in touch with someone else in her form.

We met her and her mum at start of summer hols, the girls met up again, then she walked to school with DD on first day of term. They were good friends for quite a few years, only drifting from 15/16 onwards.

So I would encourage you to contact school, I am sure that either FT or head of year can discreetly encourage some other girls to chat to her/include her.

I feel for you! My son was similar. Went up with one girl he was close to from primary and one boy he didn’t particularly get on with. The girl didn’t really hang out with him at secondary. It was a tough first term but he’s in year 8 now and very happy. Hang in there both of you x

@Dizzybelle

DD went through exactly the same last year. It took her about a term to find her friendship group. I did contact the school and I did find that helpful. With DD I tried to communicate to her that it was normal to feel this way, that I went through the same at school. They may have areas at school where she can go if she’s feeling alone (at DD’s school I think she can go to music room or library) - but the school may be able to help you here. Offering opportunities for DD to bring friends over or to meet up outside of school. DD had - and still has - a big ‘idea’ in her head that she is ‘unpopular’. I’ve talked this through with her a lot, and to a teacher who said ‘looking back, I was never in the popular group at school and I’m glad I wasn’t’. A recent course I went on stated that bullying tends to happen more with the groups that are considered ‘popular’ by others.

Similar here with my boy only one who went. The pastoral team are being really good and I think at last it's getting better I urge you to tell the school

And who would she ask- people she doesn't know?

A new boy has gone into DS1's year (Y4) and I vaguely know his mum.She emailed me to say he was finding it hard to make friends because the others have all known each other for 4 years. I asked Ds1 about him and he said 'He's in my class. He's very quiet though'.
We had a little chat and DS1 said he would ask him to play football at lunchtime. He's been for tea at our house now and doesn't seem quiet to me. They are going fossil hunting with this boy's dad down at the beach on Saturday. It's the most exciting thing ever apparently. So nice to see.Sometimes it takes such a little thing and I think DS1 has made a really nice friend out of it .

Meanwhile DS2 who has started Reception is not finding life easy because he quite likes a nap some afternoons 😁

Haven't read all the thread but wanted to post as this was my child 10 years ago. I'd agree writing to the form tutor, to alert them, and I asked if ours could do something to make it clearer whether there were other children who weren't from the one main feeder primary, so it was easier for mine to work out who else didn't know anyone. This year (this week) I've seen parents posting on our small town's facebook group, asking if there was anyone else who didn't know people who might like to get together, and there have been several responses.

Lunchtime clubs and going to the library are both helpful; also there might be a quiet space for children with additional needs, and it might be worth asking if yours could spend some time there, as it can be a kinder space, with less pressure and good for decompressing. What worked in the end for mine, new to the area, was going to the park alone, and meeting others from his year out of school; and going to the youth club. But it is so hard doing that alone, and I think the easier option is finding others who are also new, to do things in twos for a while, while they broaden their group.

As an adult I was taught how to handle networking at professional body events - get chatting to one person, then take them with you to broaden things to the next group of two, and/or have open body language so others can join you. It works, and I wish I'd known it as a teenager. Good luck, it will be ok, but I have to say as a parent this was one of the most painful phases of my life.

Lunch time clubs. It’s two weeks in. She needs to go and make her own friends. I know it’s difficult but adults should not force friendships.

It’s an important life lesson. A difficult one but essential. She will need to have this skill for the rest of her life and you won’t be there

This is precisely what I would do, invite all of the girls over for a Halloween supper. Put some thought into age appropriate cool ice breakers. I would have all the lights turned off suddenly to make them scream. A super fun night. I would for sure do this, and have done this on the two occasions we joined a new school.

I guarantee your dd will not be the only one struggling. So many others will be glad of the invite.

Why did it work?
Well for one the other girls started talking to dd and asking what to wear etc so that helped, and she soon found herself swapping ideas for games, food ideas etc. it’s something to build on.

During the party she got to know the girls better. We had practiced conversation starters etc. Afterwards she was invited back by some girls, which made a massive difference and soon had friends.

It worked for us. My dds have lots of friends because I have spent a lot of time guiding them, doing role plays and giving them confidence. Social skills are learnt - and at this point it is entirely different to primary school. Much more is needed and the friendships become more complex.

Poor DD.

My DS1 was like this. Didn’t want me to speak to school etc. I did ring school, they were brilliant, spoke to him, he was invited to the lunch club to do activities and games etc.

Honestly, school would have seen this situation many, many times. But they can’t help unless they know.

Hope DD is happier soon.

gulp. I felt my tummy drop when I read this. I was that kid at school. I went to a secondary school not knowing anyone and had such a hard time fitting in. What is the reason she didn’t go to school with her primary school friends? Is it too late to switch?

@Dizzybelle This was us last year. My son went to a secondary school where he literally did not know a soul (we moved while he was in primary school so he didn't go to it's feeder school with his friends). It was really really tough, and I just wanted to make everything right for him. When I asked what he did at break he used to say that he just sat on his own and honestly I couldn't bear it. He's not a boisterous boy and isn't into football/other common interests with other kids his age, and felt like everyone had their own friendship groups. Realistically this went on for about three weeks, and then things started to change - he found his people, and your daughter will too. It's such a hard time for them, but you just have to trust that she'll find her tribe. What helped my son was the after school clubs - I said he had to choose two to try, and he started making friends from there. Now he's happy and has a nice group of friends he sees outside of school. I really do feel for you - it's not easy as a parent watching them try to find their way.

Tutor group activities- tell the school.

I have a year 7, he's settled in ok at school however a Mum of a primary school friend who went elsewhere reached out to me last week saying her son was struggling and would my son like to go over at the weekend. He went, had a blast with his pal and his mum thanked me as he seemed his old self for the day. Maybe try reach out to previous friends for now, give her something to look forward to while she settles in at secondary. Also, speak to the school and see how they can help. I hope she feels better soon!

I would privately message the school. Most of them are good at these things and will try to orchestrate a buddy system etc. I would also make is very clear that this be subtle

contact the school!!! I've been in the same position now for 2 consecutive years with my 2 oldest daughters. Most schools are really good at helping with transition - as our school told me 'we want the children to settle quickly and be happy because then they learn better and having friends is an important part of that'. They have all sorts of resources available from lunchtime clubs 'by invitation' buddy systems, mentors and even councillors but they do need to know if she's struggling especially if she's good at masking it! It sounds really easy to just tell her to try this or that but if it were that easy then transition anxiety wouldn't exist. Just something to think about that might help YOU get through this - I asked my older daughter about her transition experience from last year now she's familiar with the school. She told me a) it wasn't as bad as it seemed at the time, b) she did, in fact, interact with a lot of her classmates she just wished she'd been brave enough to just ask 'can I sit with you' and c) whilst nearly everyone had a few tears in the first couple of weeks everyone had settled in and found their feet by half term. Big hugs to you both from one anxious mum of an anxious new year 7 to another!

Can you start training her not to be shy it's crippling.
Start really small with achievable goals like smile at someone in class today and say hi.
Say hello to someone new.
Ask someone a question about themselves.
Tiny baby steps that will help her open up to opportunities.
Then tell her to look for someone shy in her year to look after.