What's wrong with hothousing?

[justanotherdaduser]

That's it really. Hothousing is often mentioned here in a derogatory tone and I was wondering why people dislike it?

The implication is that it priorities results over wellbeing. Some people are cool with that, many are not.

Because there's more to life (growing up) than slogging it. Because if you do it to the wrong child the results can be disastrous. Because it doesn't automatically translate to well rounded happy adults. Or even academic success.

Because it implies an imbalance.

I suspect, like many things, it’s about point of view.

I enrich
You tutor
She hothouses

I also think some parents underestimate the sheer appetite for learning, knowledge and conversation that some children have, and how they might want or even need it to feel happy and fulfilled, in the same way another child might need a lot of sport to keep them happy. If you don’t have a child like that, from the outside I suspect just responding to a child’s academic/ intellectual interests and needs can look like hothousing.

And of course, some parents do strongly encourage (or even enforce) academic interests and abilities, in a way which overrides the child’s own interests and preferences. That is what I would think of as hothousing.

Thank you all for your balanced answers and perspective. Makes sense now.

I wasn't familiar with the term until MN (about a year ago) and realised DB and myself were hothoused. Never questioned it as a bad thing and dear nephew and DD are having similar experience. DN thrives, DD not as much, and I see now why everyone may not see this as a good thing.

DD sounds like she could do was th some balance. She may well be up to the academic standards that hot housing (usually) demands. But she may need someone to tell her that it doesn't have to be now. That she's free to be who she wants to be and she can come back to stuff later.

Be the person to offer the balance.

My experience is that mental health problems are rife in hothoused children, they fear not being perfect, they also may have ND traits which can make life harder (although also be of benefit in being focused, single-minded, talented in maths or whatever). One of my children went to a school notorious for hot-housing and it has delivered academically but not pastorally and there seem to be a lot of distressed teens from that school. My dd is fine now she's out of there, so I don't think it was her personality or intrinsic MH issues, I think the overfocus on academia was too much.

I think that it can be problematic when the child is unable to enjoy study for the intrinsic reward of academic achievement. Some children will struggle at university at the very point that they need to be independent. They have not learnt to prioritise their work themselves and they may have overachieved earlier which now means they are alone in a new environment with many distractions and without the tools to sit down and achieve for themselves. Other children of course love to learn for the sake of learning so spending a weekend enrichment learning something is their idea of fun anyway. You need to listen to your dd, let her find her own way, her own goals, but be there to cheer her on and support her in what she needs to do to get where she wants to go.

Hothousing = destroying a child's mental and spiritual wellbeing in the pursuit of higher academic outcomes than would be achieved by simply letting them pursue knowledge at a pace they can cope with. if you are just nurturing and encouraging your child's natural talent and curiosity it's not hothousing. I know adults who were hothoused as kids and are frankly totally screwed up because they learned very early on that they were only worthy of love, kindness or nice things in their life if they earned these things through perfect achievements.

The highly academic schools at the top of the league tables have a some proportion of children who are there from natural talent and are happiest learning at that pace, and some whose parents have drilled them into that situation.

in a gardening analogy, flowers grown in a garden will bloom brightly for longer than hothouse flowers which have been artificially forced to bloom bigger and brighter than they would have out of the hothouse. once in a bouquet a hothouse will often wilt much more quickly than their unhothoused cousins.

@justanotherdaduser there's also tiger mom, and helicopter parents

Some kids thrive on it. There was a recent interesting thread on Asian parents & education. I'm my area some to do ot to get them past entrance exams & interviews

The only issue with hothousing to get into top schools is that your teen may want exact opposite.

The thing about being against 'hothousing' is that it gives a very convenient excuse for parents to be pretty lazy parents. My wife and I have hot housed the hell out of our 2 year old and he has succeeded in:

1. Developing perfect pitch despite nobody in either parent's family having it.
2. Can count to 30 and count objects up to around 6 reliably.
3. Knows and can say absolutely every conceivable shape including things like dodecahedron and obelisk.
4. Can play the piano, like actually play it with two hands. Hot cross buns.

And he is incredibly happy and playful and loves learning. We've had to work our asses off to get this far and honestly I think its worth it. Hothousing after the age of 3 is probably not going to be so successful. Your cake is basically baked by that age anyway.

ThunderDad, it’s insulting to describe parents who don’t hot house their children as lazy parents.

You sound very smug about the achievements of your child. Perhaps with justification; I don’t know, but please don’t dismiss or denigrate those who choose a different route when raising their children .

Care, nurturing, love emotional investment, teaching by example, encouraging, giving opportunities for enrichment and investing time and energy in your children, is important. Pushing to the limit and limiting a balance of education and play, isn’t, in my view, the way to raise balanced and emotionally healthy individuals.

Think thunder dad was joking. Nobody can seriously think it’s in any way an advantage for a two year old to have perfect pitch 😆

And there is barely a person on the planet who can’t count to 30 so no advantage there either.

and hot cross buns on the piano..

I hope you are joking. I think it is silly to force and put so much effort into a child so young. They should be playing. Why force a dc to learn to count to 100 with so much effort at a young age, when a year or two later they will easily be able to do it on their own? Same with reading. Some parents go crazy trying to teach their dc to read age 3. I on the other hand had more relaxed approach. My dc spent hours in the park, playing, doing art, sport etc. They read when they were ready. I did not push them like crazy. Once they were ready, they started to fly through the books and are both GDS in everything. Maybe you call this lazy parenting, but I call it giving children a childhood! Also, I did not feel like it was being lazy, when I was the one standing and playing with them for hours in the park rain or shine.

My eldest will be going to G&L for secondary, so it has worked out well for us. My middle one is year 4 and doing well in school. Both also excel in their extra curricular activities. My youngest is 3 and she is just enjoying her play time. She does go to nursery that is entirely in a different language, so she is completely fluent like her older two siblings. I seriously hope you are joking about hothousing a two year old!

Yes, exactly. I hope this poster is joking. Otherwise poor dc being drilled at the age of 2

My view is it depends on the child and whose needs are being prioritised.

If a child is genuinely curious and is given age-appropriate educational opportunities, there's a culture where the child's voice is heard and the child isn't pressured to keep their views to themselves for fear of upsetting and disappointing the parent then it's probably a broad range of educational experiences that suits the child.

Hothousing is about the parents' needs and the parents' aspirations and the parents' feelings. The children have to do X, Y, Z because it suits the parents. Children are hothoused because the parents want to brag about the test scores, or bore everyone with tales of how exceptional their children are, and the parents want the dinner party conversations, and the parents want to pat themselves on the back for being amazing parents. The child is viewed as an extension of the parents so has to perform in order to avoid disappointing the parents. The child may not complain about it, but they internalise the pressure and know exactly what's expected of them. They're their parents' ultimate accessory.

I went to a hothouse secondary school. Nearly everyone got straight As and a large proportion went to Oxbridge etc. Mental illness was rife, especially depression and eating disorders, and 20 years later, the alumnae (especially the particularly high-achieving ones) are some of the most miserable people I know; anxious, insecure, never satisfied, despite their outward success. I wish I'd gone to a normal school.

Lol, April fools stops at noon you know.

It's quite possible it's true,

Perfect pitch is inherent; it cannot be taught. I have it and as far as I know have always had it. Nobody went out of their way to teach it to me. I always naturally gravitated towards anything musical and it is very useful for a violinist. I cannot think why or how anyone could teach it. Also Hot Cross Buns? The most talented pupil l have ever taught started piano lessons at seven. At fourteen he is playing virtuosic pieces. He has been encouraged in every way as he has good parents. This in my book is what good parents do. They encourage but they do not hothouse. True talent will always shine. It can be encouraged but not hothoused. Encouragement is in the child’s best interests. Hothousing is for parents to show off their child and bask in the reflected glory. My brother taught himself to tell the time before he was three by learning as l, three years older, was learning. This is all the way round the clock not only the hours or half pasts. Somewhat different from counting to thirty which is not at all unusual for a reasonably bright two year old. There were many other things he was able to do at an astonishingly young age. Our parents encouraged us to do our best and provided the environment where we could but never forced us. True talent will fly and be allowed to fly and find its own way. Hothousing ultimately leads to stultification.

Because putting pressure on kids to achieve for reflected glory at the expense of their wellbeing and space to learn at their pace is fairly abhorrent.

2 of my friends where hothoused. Did very well academically. Very messed up emotionally. Still are and we're all nearly 50.

Violinist64 when you say 'true talent will just shine', I don't agree. That's not my experience in 20 years of teaching piano. It has to be nurtured. There is debate as to whether perfect pitch is genetic or can be taught. What is certain is that if it is not present at the age of around 3 it will never appear later. This, I suppose, is one thing which makes me very much in favour of hothousing. There are some things which you just can't learn later on. I've noticed that elite musicians (and I know a few) always have had at least one musical parent, have started very young and have, intentionally or not been hothoused in music to some extent.

I'm inclined to think that although pitch is perhaps one of the clearest examples of a talent that requires special nurturing early on, there are probably other fields where it is worth doing a bit of extra work with your toddler.

After all we live and die by our brain, these days more than ever. It seems worthwhile to give your kid a boost.

Also I'm not calling parents who don't hothouse 'lazy'. But be careful to consider whether the philosophy whereby we decide to let our children 'find their own path' is born of wanting what is best for them, or is it just making convenient excuses because this form of parenting is so much less labour intensive than 'hothousing'. Same goes for discipline. It's convenient to be a liberal parent, but is it really best for the child in the long run.

Peace everyone. P.S. he sometimes gets an octagonal prism confused with a dodecahedron. Bit of work required but he'll get there by 3.