11 year old DS, severe separation anxiety and secondary school struggles - suggestions for alternative London schools?

[usernamebore]

Hi

DS is 11 and just started secondary at a relatively kind and supportive London co-ed private. Unfortunately he has developed acute separation anxiety and every day for the last two weeks has been brutal. He has had multiple panic attacks in the morning, including in school. This morning he was screaming in fear, sobbing, begging me not to leave, begging me to get him help as he was so scared, hyperventilating etc. When I tried to leave he was so terrified he pushed past the teacher and was basically fighting to get to me and grabbing on to my work bag with white knuckles. He seems terrified of being alone in the school without us. It seems he had a propensity for this, but Covid and the recent death of his grandfather (they were very close) has pushed him over the edge. Pre-Covid he loved having playdates with friends from primary school, but when the restrictions lifted he just refused to have them. I wonder if being told to stay at home with us to keep safe from Covid just exacerbated this sense that he needs to be with us.

I have managed to get him in school every day for the last two weeks, and he has taken part in almost all of the lessons, but it is brutal for him and for us. The school are being helpful, and he has an appointment with the counsellor. We are also looking to try and get him seen by someone privately to help. I worry about the fact that all his peers have obviously seen some of this, and dont want him to start getting bullied or ostracized for being the weird crying kid. It is also hard not to think it is annoying for his teachers....

But part of me wonders if a big, competitive school like this is just not going to work for him. If it gets to that stage, does anyone have any suggestions for smaller london schools with really good SEN provision, or that might otherwise be better able to support him and us with this? Anyone had any experience with separation anxiety issues like this and have any advice, or know of a school which might be better for him? Dealing with getting him in every morning, and then going off and doing a full days work is just killing me and I worry a lot about his long term mental health.

[Lovetogarden2022]

Jo at Tayberry Tuition is great with kids who have any kind of anxiety surrounding school, whether they're refusing to go, or just have a lot of anxiety surrounding school. My son was getting quite "worked up" (to put it lightly) about going into school at the end of last year and she really helped managed his anxiety around it and find out the route cause. I'm sure she'd be able to recommend if there's other schools that might be better suited as well X

[Teddletoddle]

As a teenager the actress, Rebecca Front ( Thick of it), suffered hugely from separation anxiety due to the death of loved ones around her. She came through it but reading an account of her struggles gives you a good understanding of her mindset and will help you understand your son.
Perhaps you could borrow her autobiography, Curious, from the library?
She got through it by the school giving her mother permission to work in the school library for the first few weeks.

[usernamebore]

Thanks - will investigate

[usernamebore]

@Teddletoddle thanks - it is always helpful to hear about people who had the same struggle but came out the other side. I will check it out

[tpmumtobe]

You've basically described my DS12 except his issues started in Yr 5 and he's now Yr8 and we're out the other side of it (though he still has anxiety and finds the morning drop off in particular a difficult transition). What has worked for us fundamentally is CBT and exposure therapy (via CAMHS, though you could look at private support), we've chosen a school with outstanding pastoral care (a local comp with excellent SEN provision) over a more pressured academic environment, and we've accepted that baby steps are big milestones and it'll take him time but he will get there slowly.

I had similar worries to you, but his friendship group and cohort have been hugely understanding and supportive, he's not had his 'weird' behaviour picked on at all. His teachers and support staff all know how best to handle it and can read the room effectively (eg some days he needs distraction, some days he needs a firmer approach, some days he needs to be given time and space to adjust in a separate room).

He is thriving academically despite the anxiety. For my son a lot of it is about getting over the hurdle of getting through the door, if that makes sense? Once he's in he is genuinely ok (I appreciate that's not true of all kids).

If I were you I would give his current school time to come up with a support plan. I would expect them to be offering tailored interventions, planned 121 support (at the gate especially), emotional/social training eg ELSA, something like a zones of regulation programme, to teach him self help skills.

If they can't deliver then look to move him but don't assume that smaller is better. DS is at a very large school with a third of kids with SEN, but that brings with it a huge amount of resource and support.

It is hugely draining having to deal with this as a parent, it has broken me several times so I feel your pain. But it does get better, I promise.

[usernamebore]

@tpmumtobe Thank you very much - that is really helpful. It is the same with us really - the journey to school and the transition into school and leaving me is the big hurdle. He seems to be relatively fine in lessons (though he freaks out about PE sometimes - one of the things he was anxious about today was having to get changed in front of everyone for swimming. He kept saying it was weird and gross to get naked with strangers and the school were awful for making them . He also freaked out about Rugby, having never done it before, and was terrified of getting hurt). I think the extreme nature of the panic this morning, and the fact that his head of year and head of the lower school all witnessed it and tried to help, means that we should be able to get something in place for him as a support plan. In the meantime I have to try and deal with having to get up tomorrow morning and do the whole thing all over again....It is exhausting. But every day he is in school all day has to be taken as a win.

[tpmumtobe]

Yes my DS has particular anxiety around PE and getting changed. School let him change in a separate room, maybe your DS can do similar?

The relentlessness of it is exhausting and brutal. Especially I find, when he generally comes home feeling much better about things in the afternoon! Everything we were told (and have generally done as a result) has been based on the idea that if you validate the anxiety you only make it worse so you're doing the right thing by persevering. I know not everyone agrees with that approach but we were confident that underneath it all he was kid who loved learning and making friends and that we had to help him access that even if it seemed a bit callous in the moment when he was screaming and begging to come home with me.

Practical things that have helped:

Distraction - we play wordle/globle/nerdle etc on the walk to school, we make up stupid song lyrics, I gossip about grown up stuff I think he'll find interesting, tell jokes, anything to keep him talking and his mind off the impending separation helps. Don't talk about school or try and reassure him, it just makes it worse!
Responsibility: He's given a job by staff (sorting resources, setting up the hall etc) and has to go directly to help that member of staff instead of am registration. Makes him feel needed, breaks the routine.
Time: Letting him go to a safe space and then joining lessons when he's ready
No loitering: Sounds awful but basically, dragging it out only makes it worse. Once they've got hold of him, run away and don't look back. I've actually spoken to my son at length about this and he agrees that it's the best way for us to do it and that he finds it less upsetting overall.

[MadamNoo]

Portland Place offer a hybrid model with 2 days in school and 3 online, if that could be an option. They are very accommodating of SEN.

[Sothis]

On a micro level (just one of the issues you mention) I bought my son a towelling robe that you wear and get changed under with some modesty (like what you have for toddlers at the beach). There are heaps for older children / adults now. Game changer!

[PizzaFunghi]

Would something like the Red Balloon Centres be an option? I know that they are usually for children who can't go to the usual school because of bullying etc, but it might be suitable for this type of difficulty as well, particularly if the anxiety then develops around what the other kids have seen or what they might think, say etc. I think there is at least one in London.

[Dripdropper]

Agree with the suggestions of a PP regarding school based interventions (and private therapy). Unless there is something about the particular school that is a real trigger for him, you’re better off keeping him where he is and treating the anxiety. (As long as school can provide the support and intervention).

changing schools may add to the unsettledness and also possibly confirm he’s right to have trouble separating. Unlikely a new school will “fix” the issue, particularly if you’re right about the cause being covid and bereavement.

I liked what a PP said about how they communicated through their actions that they knew underneath it all their DS was a capable boy who can learn and make friends. In the long term, this is a v v good message for him to internalise.

if this is the tip of iceberg of more significant MH problems (I don’t feel from your OP that you think it is) then maybe look into therapeutic schools such as Red Balloon etc but I don’t think that should be first step.

[usernamebore]

Thanks everyone - that is all really helpful. I just had a heartbreaking call from him at lunchtime saying that he was scared by his panic attack and by how bad he is feeling, and he is worried he will never be happy again 😢
I told him it is ok - lots of people have panic attacks, lots of people feel worried, and we are getting help. I just know tomorrow morning will be just as hard for both of us, and it is hard for me not to worry about the longer term effects.
I agree changing school would be a last resort, as that would just add to the unsettled nature of things, and reinforce his worries. We just have to find a way through this.

[WhatWouldHopperDo]

I don’t have any experience of private schools but wanted to reassure you that things can and do improve. My now 17 year old DS was like this for a school year and then covid hit so he was off Scot free! It kicked off again a bit when he started college but he is now happy and thriving.

Everyone on this thread has made great suggestions and we found it was a case of trying different things and things improved slowly but surely.

Its horribly stressful and distressing for both of you so wanted to send hugs. You sound like you’re doing everything you can and I hope your DS will soon start feeling a bit better.

[zippideedoodaa]

I have DCs at one of the London co-Ed's- probably not the same one but there are not that many! It and all the others will have lots of support and I would also try and not move schools but work with the current one.
A friend went through something similar with her son at the start of Y7. He had always been absolutely fine with school but started having major panic attacks within a week of Y7 and was also really worried he'd always be like that. He was at an ( fairly alpha) All Boys school and they were brilliant. The other boys were also great and he never got teased etc. I'm sure it will get better even if it doesn't seem like it now.

[usernamebore]

@WhatWouldHopperDo a whole year like this! I think I will be curled up in the fetal position somewhere long before that at this rate...but good to hear things do and can get better. Patience and strength from all of us I guess.

@zippideedoodaa yes, trying to be careful so as not to out my son or the school! I have to remember we are only just starting week three, so it is very early days. Just hard when it seems to have escalated so rapidly and today what so awful. I really have never seen anything like it - such extreme terror in a little 11 year old. Every instinct in me just wanted to hug him and take him home, but I know I cant. And I have to stop worrying about him falling behind, or missing parts of his lessons. Things will be what they will be. His mental health is more important that his Year 7 grades....

[Whycanineverever]

My daughter also suffered anxiety after serious illness (the death) of a grandparent. When it started it was holiday time and anytime we had to go anywhere she would be sick.

Like a pp said I took the facing it head on approach and bought a job lot of sick bags. Once back at school she had support and they advised in their view this was best approach as if you avoid the situation they get the message that that's what makes them feel better.

She started secondary this month and I was really worried, she definitely has had anxiety but it seems as if she has now learnt to recognise it for what it is and know that it will pass.

[lifeturnsonadime]

Hi OP, be careful your DS doesn't end up traumatised.

He's clearly not coping at the moment, this happens to lots of children for many many reasons.

After a number of months of similar my son's mental health was so bad he could barely leave his bedroom and he attempted to take his own life.

I'm not trying to scare you but exposing a child to what is causing anxiety if not always the best approach. I would seek advise from your GP, speak to the SENCO and ask for a referral to CAMHS (huge waiting lists) or pay private if possible.

In the end our son was diagnosed with ASD, we had to remove school completely for his mental health. He has now gone back after 5 years out to 6th form having completed GSCSEs at home. I think if I left him in school he wouldn't be with us any more.

Obviously your son may be experiencing something entirely different, I just had no idea that my son had issues before he started with the school anxiety.

This is a useful resource - notfineinschool.co.uk/

[usernamebore]

@lifeturnsonadime thank you - that is something I am incredibly anxious about myself, and certainly do not want to make things worse. However, we have been in touch with the GP already, he has seen the school counsellor and we are trying to arrange an appointment with a specialist. Hopefully that will help us keep on top of things so we can see precisely what is going on.

[Schoolschoice]

Placemarking

[MaryVee]

OP, you've gotten great advice on here already.

Just wanted to add that he might pick up on your anxieties around the school and the separation. Some of your replies sound as if your distress at the situation might be reinforcing his distress. If you feel that you need to protect him and want to take him home then he might pick up on this, just a thought.

Sending you lots of support, it is so hard. But I get the feeling that if you somehow find a way to relax about this and trust that it will all be well then he might feel a bit more reassured.

And on a practical level, could you have someone else take him to school, so you can kiss him good-bye at home? And it could help perhaps if you plan something nice together for the after school or evenings, so you both have something to look forward to?

[Schoolschoice]

OP wishing you well with getting to the bottom of this. Other posters have also suggested looking into any additional needs that your child might have and I’m sure the Senco at school would be able to advise you on how best to support your DS’ anxiety.

[Wallaw]

This sounds like a very extreme situation, and, honestly, I wouldn't just try to brazen through. Based on the fact he's in a London private, I'm going to make the assumption you can afford some private counselling and in your shoes I wouldn't waste any time in finding someone to see him. I'm not saying it's the school, but if starting there coincided with a huge ramping up of the anxiety, I wouldn't dismiss moving him.

My worry would be that while school counsellors can be excellent, their aim with almost always be to keep the child in the school once in. An outside psychologist might or might not have a different perspective. Is he saying he thinks he would feel better elsewhere or that he wants to go back to his old school? Or does he feel all schools would feel this way?

While I have a child who has dealt with anxiety, I haven't been in this situation, but know several people who have. One took a year off, one went back to their previous school, one moved schools, but all have been fine in the end.

I don't have personal experience, but I've heard King Alfred is a very gentle environment. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. It's awful to see your child so distressed.

Send you a pm

[Digimoor]

My friend's child had similar issues and he has moved to a central London school where he attends part time in person and the rest online
This might be worth exploring as an option

[Schoolschoice]

I’m not too sure that in the long term getting someone else to do drop offs etc is a help- that’s just asking the child to bottle up their feelings for a longer time. I also would be less inclined to assume emotional transfer (or whatever we should call the theory of your acting-out child absorbing your anxiety about separation) and be more inclined to investigate additional needs as the priority in your situation OP given that these things can take a long time to work through the overloaded referral system. You could talk to your GP about your concerns and the anxiety issues and take it from there.