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Secondary education

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Original poster

Should I tell my DD that her school trousers don't suit her?

105 replies

Kimmee · 12/09/2022 16:45

Hi all,

First of all, let me say that this is my first post here and I've tried to word it as tactfully as possible!

Anyway, my eldest DD recently started secondary school and me and her picked out her new uniform together. Her school (thankfully) has a pretty lax uniform policy and considers a variety of styles acceptable, not needing to go to any particular supplier etc. I tried a supplier which I won't name because this is no reflection on them and so it's not fair on them, but I've heard good things about them being reasonably priced yet high quality at the same time.

My DD insisted we look through things together and we settled on a couple of pleated skirts and some senior girls trousers. She was drawn to one style in particular which had a higher waist (which I know is very 'in' right now with girls) and had an internal adjuster which I thought would be good since she has trouble getting things to fit her. To clarify, she's definitely on the chubbier side, but not in a way that's really a cause for worry in my opinion.

Now, it all arrived the next week and I watched her put it on. The skirts fit her fine and looked very smart and flattering on her figure, but not so much with the trousers! I should mention that my DD is also one of the shorter girls for her age at around 4 and a half foot and the trousers came up too high! She was actually wearing the trousers over her waist at the same height she had the skirts which didn't look right at all and frankly surprised me that she found comfortable.

I told her that I thought the trousers were supposed to be worn lower and that they didn't look right, but she insists that she likes them that way and it's fine. While I do admire her confidence in wearing what she wants, I'm also worried that she's oblivious to what might happen at school. I can't help but think that others would make fun of her for it, because she does wear them very high over her tummy (which looks like it's all been awkwardly stuffed in and might pop out of them at any moment!).

As you can imagine, this is especially the case when she sits down, which gives a very unflattering appearance such as the trousers sitting just under her chest or letting you see the outline of her tummy. She does also wear jeans which tend to be quite high waisted, but she can wear tops over them of different materials / styles / colours...Unlike her uniform which always needs her shirt to be tucked in!

My DD is VERY bright, but she's also very sensitive and can suddenly throw a wobbly when she gets upset which I know would affect her excellent work. The question is, how do I talk to her honestly about it and go about stopping the obvious and letting other people's inevitable comments about her trousers get her down? I hope I'm not being harsh here.
Let me guys know what you think!

-Kimmee

OP posts:
Nothingbuttheglory · 12/09/2022 16:47

Remain silent.

NoYouSirName · 12/09/2022 16:48

You should definitely not say anything to your dd. She needs you to build her up, not tear her down, and to be safe from this kind of thing at home even if it does happen in school. Please maintain her confidence, not take it away!

MolliciousIntent · 12/09/2022 16:51

God I hope my mother never spoke about my clothing choices like this.

Why does it matter how she looks at school?!

Littlemissprosecco · 12/09/2022 16:52

I’d say, ‘I’ve seen you looking much better in other trousers, I’m not sure about the shape? But if that’s the current fashion that’s fine as I’m old!’
it usually makes my dds at least look again!

Crazycrazylady · 12/09/2022 16:52

Tricky one, I know the general advice on here will be say absolutely nothing but i agree its hard to send her in knowing that its likely that her new peers might have a little snigger at her.

I think sometimes these things are easier to see in a photo so I'd say nothing but get her to try them on again and take a few pics which hopefully she might ask to see and maybe realize that they are not a good fit on her.

bravelittletiger · 12/09/2022 16:53

Do not under any circumstances say anything to her.

I think you need to try to unpick what is going on for you to react this way to her clothes and her body. Have you always felt insecure about your own body for example? Were you bullied as a child about your figure? Why do you feel worried that your daughter may not look the way you think she should look?

You seem to have an idea that a female body needs to have no tummy or at least for the tummy to be hidden in order for it to be palatable to other people. Why? Most women have a bit of a tummy and there is no need to hide it or disguise it.

Crumblierthanfeta · 12/09/2022 16:55

I actually disagree with pp’s. As a parent you can and should protect your dc when practicable. Sending a child like a lamb to the slaughter is quite frankly cruel. Not all styles, outfits will suit everyone or all body shapes. Gently guiding your dc to find things that suit them is the way forward. The only time it would be appropriate to remain silent would be if that particular style was mandatory and nothing could be done. I was mocked horrendously for an outfit I wore to a school event, I really wish someone had told me.

Watchthesunrise · 12/09/2022 16:58

Buy alternatives. Have a try-them-on session at home;:take photographs. Get her to choose the ones she likes best, including looking at the photos. Sell the others.

nocutsnobuttsnococonuts · 12/09/2022 17:06

It's very tricky but could you say how it doesn't look very comfortable, especially if it's tight and high after lunch time etc. Maybe suggest ordering a few other styles to see if she prefers the fit? maybe try ladies petite rather than children's sizes.

I dont agree with the stay silent, as its better for you to gently steer her towards something more flattering rather than a peer making a cruel comment. But at the same time don't be critical of her figure, focus on her comfort. Especially if she is having periods she wont want anything high and fitted, most girls get a bit bloaty so better to have some room in there!

KL2222 · 12/09/2022 17:19

As a secondary school teacher I often wonder how parents let their child leave the house in the morning.

Children are very cruel to each other.
If you can have an open an honest conversation with your daughter, you should. I remember my mum telling me that certain clothes didn't suit me, except she didn't say that, just that another style suited me more. Her advice helped me work out what clothes looked good on me and what didn't, thank god she didn't let me wear some of the clothes I wanted to!

TooHot2022 · 12/09/2022 17:22

I agree - don't TELL her they look bad, but find a way for her to come to that conclusion. I like the idea of trying some different styles and taking photos.
Otherwise it will become a costly mistake too, when she wears them for a week then discards them!

We had something similar with DS. He was adamant that he wanted super skinny shirts, but he was tall and skinny and they actually made him look worse! Thankfully I'd ordered some slim ones at the same time and he realised they made him look much better!

whynotwhatknot · 12/09/2022 17:33

I dont understand you said she picked the high waisted ones as thats the fashion but theyre too high on her

but theyre meant to be?

TolkiensFallow · 12/09/2022 17:42

My mother used to just say “that doesn’t fit properly” or “they don’t do you any favours” and then send them back. Im grateful she taught me to choose clothes that suited me.

MbatataOwl · 12/09/2022 17:50

I think you need to try to unpick what is going on for you to react this way to her clothes and her body

She probably doesn't want her DD taken the piss out of at school.

carefullycourageous · 12/09/2022 17:54

I do (very occasionally) pass comment on my kids clothes choices but never on them. So I have said 'I'm not sure those colours quite go together' but I would never say 'you look horrible in those colours'.

I would try to find a way to make it about the trousers, not about the person, if I felt it really needed saying.

carefullycourageous · 12/09/2022 17:55

TolkiensFallow · 12/09/2022 17:42

My mother used to just say “that doesn’t fit properly” or “they don’t do you any favours” and then send them back. Im grateful she taught me to choose clothes that suited me.

I think 'don't do you any favours' is a useful phrase, I have used this at the trying on stage.

Mojoj · 12/09/2022 18:01

Tell her they do nothing for her and help her see it. She'll be laughed at in school and then you'll need to pick up the pieces. Kids, especially teenage girls, are hyenas at that age.

SharpLily · 12/09/2022 18:04

MolliciousIntent · 12/09/2022 16:51

God I hope my mother never spoke about my clothing choices like this.

Why does it matter how she looks at school?!

Because children, especially at secondary age and especially girls, are cruel. While it's a parent's job to help instil confidence and encourage children to be happy with who they are, it's verging on abusive to put a child in a position where they are likely to be treated unpleasantly.

Justbetweenus · 12/09/2022 18:04

You seem to have an idea that a female body needs to have no tummy or at least for the tummy to be hidden in order for it to be palatable to other people. Why? Most women have a bit of a tummy and there is no need to hide it or disguise it.

I tend to agree. IME Gen Zs are far more body positive than earlier generations (Millenials, Gen X which I assume most mumsnetters are). She might know full well that she has a tummy and think “so what. I like fashionable clothes.”

Whitewolf2 · 12/09/2022 18:05

I’d buy some different style school trousers so she can compare herself, in the hopes they fit better and are more comfortable.
I wouldn’t just do nothing, why set her up to have her confidence knocked by kids at school?

hattie43 · 12/09/2022 18:07

I think I'd be inclined to ruin them in the wash .

Countingdowntodecember · 12/09/2022 18:08

I think younger people often have a different (and often better!) idea of what is flattering than older people do.

When I was at school I was desperate for my stomach to appear flat, but my super fashion conscious student SIL regularly wears trousers and crop tops that show she doesn’t have a flat stomach… and she looks great!

Honestly, if she feels comfortable, why does it matter if you can see the outline of her tummy?

DaisyWaldron · 12/09/2022 18:10

I might mention that I don't think that style us a great look on her, but that I'm absolutely prepared to be convinced otherwise. I see plenty of fashionable plump teens in high waisted trousers with a cropped t-shirt or shirt tied above the trouser waist showing off a big belly, so I'm not convinced that it's the social suicide you are worried about.

HairyMothballs · 12/09/2022 18:10

Let the kid wear them. If she's comfortable, that's the main thing. She might well change her mind and not want to wear them, but it's your job to boost her confidence at the moment.

misspositivepants · 12/09/2022 18:14

It’s difficult, my mum when I was 11 and I tried on a skirt said to me ‘you need some pull in knickers to hold your tummy in’ I’m not saying you would say it quite like that. But I remember every moment of that still 24 years later and it’s taken my years to unpick the loathing I had for my body. But I can see why you don’t want her to be the subject of bullies, it’s going to be a fine line to tread.