Should I tell my DD that her school trousers don't suit her?

[Kimmee]

Hi all,

First of all, let me say that this is my first post here and I've tried to word it as tactfully as possible!

Anyway, my eldest DD recently started secondary school and me and her picked out her new uniform together. Her school (thankfully) has a pretty lax uniform policy and considers a variety of styles acceptable, not needing to go to any particular supplier etc. I tried a supplier which I won't name because this is no reflection on them and so it's not fair on them, but I've heard good things about them being reasonably priced yet high quality at the same time.

My DD insisted we look through things together and we settled on a couple of pleated skirts and some senior girls trousers. She was drawn to one style in particular which had a higher waist (which I know is very 'in' right now with girls) and had an internal adjuster which I thought would be good since she has trouble getting things to fit her. To clarify, she's definitely on the chubbier side, but not in a way that's really a cause for worry in my opinion.

Now, it all arrived the next week and I watched her put it on. The skirts fit her fine and looked very smart and flattering on her figure, but not so much with the trousers! I should mention that my DD is also one of the shorter girls for her age at around 4 and a half foot and the trousers came up too high! She was actually wearing the trousers over her waist at the same height she had the skirts which didn't look right at all and frankly surprised me that she found comfortable.

I told her that I thought the trousers were supposed to be worn lower and that they didn't look right, but she insists that she likes them that way and it's fine. While I do admire her confidence in wearing what she wants, I'm also worried that she's oblivious to what might happen at school. I can't help but think that others would make fun of her for it, because she does wear them very high over her tummy (which looks like it's all been awkwardly stuffed in and might pop out of them at any moment!).

As you can imagine, this is especially the case when she sits down, which gives a very unflattering appearance such as the trousers sitting just under her chest or letting you see the outline of her tummy. She does also wear jeans which tend to be quite high waisted, but she can wear tops over them of different materials / styles / colours...Unlike her uniform which always needs her shirt to be tucked in!

My DD is VERY bright, but she's also very sensitive and can suddenly throw a wobbly when she gets upset which I know would affect her excellent work. The question is, how do I talk to her honestly about it and go about stopping the obvious and letting other people's inevitable comments about her trousers get her down? I hope I'm not being harsh here.
Let me guys know what you think!

-Kimmee

I would tell her that this cut does not fit her figure, specially when sitting down and suggest we go shopping for other similar trousers. It sounds like they are too big if the reach too high up her waist.
I think parents are there to avoid their chidren looking ridiculous, and we should say.
Not all pieces of clothing suit all of us. We have to learn to dress according to our body type and to select the proper size for us, which can vary depending on item.

Definitely not!
She's chosen is happy with them so there's nothing else to consider.

I have to say that I’m fairly robust but ‘they don’t do you any favours’ was one of my mum’s phrases and still rings in my ears when I try on clothes and makes me feel shit for not having a waist!

i do think you should try to avoid her wearing them somehow though, especially for the first few weeks. Maybe just big up the skirts, emphasis that the trousers don’t look comfortable?

ask her what most of the other girls are wearing and they look comfy?

good luck!

Just let her be happy with her trouser’s. My mum was vocal on what she thought suited me, but looking back at pictures it was more that she deemed my choices inappropriate rather than them not suiting me-sometimes she was right, but I just ignored her anyway. Though you are paying for the trousers so when they need replacing just don’t buy them agin.

Just choose your words kindly. I'll never forget wearing a green dress and boots as a teenager and my mother said I looked like a "fat Robin Hood" (I was a size 6)

Better you tell her tactfully that some shitty bully at school!

OP, is the size correct?

Maybe she needs a size up and them tailored a bit at the leg? You could get a size up that without telling her and cut the labels out, get them tailored at the waist if needed and tailored down the leg. I do this with a lot of my trousers cos I have a big bum/hips but small waist, so always buy a size up.

Otherwise, say the trousers are badly made or the cut is bad.
DO NOT mention her figure cos she really doesn’t need that.

I’d want someone at home to advise me, because someone at school will say something, with a LOT less tact.

There are ways to say ‘those trousers don’t suit you’ that don’t mean you look fat and awful.
Personally I think it’s worse to allow someone you love to go out and about in something that is unflattering. Exposing them to potential idiots who are going to tell them anyway and not in a constructive way.
I am always carefully honest with my daughters. If something doesn’t fit or makes them look weird I say so. We then work together to find something that makes them look amazing. There are very few people in the world who look good in everything. Part of growing and finding your style is learning what it right for your body and what isn’t. Like I can’t wear paper bag waistline cos I look like an idiot. One DD looks amazing in skinny jeans the other in mum jeans!
You’re her mum. Guide her!

How about asking her if the trousers will be comfortable to sit in all day or will they cut in under her bust?

I would focus on the positive that the skirts look good, buy some more of those with tights for when it gets cold, and then pray she grows taller and the trousers don't fit anymore.

My mum would have put a hole in something she didn't like, and I know for a fact she boil washed stuff she detested so it became unwearable but I found that really upsetting.

She wants to fit in, and you have to let her find out the hard way that tight trousers are uncomfortable and don't suit everyone. I resemble a weeble in anything high waisted and am a short fattie!

I remember my mother buying me a roll on corset at 11 because she thought I needed one 😱
IFor goodness sake OP tread very carefully.

You say absolutely nothing.

If she’s at high school she’s old enough to know what things look like on her and know if she likes them. If she thinks they’re okay she clearly thinks she won’t be bullied in them.

Parents have completely different ideas about what’s “in” etc. My mum was always interfering in my clothes choices and now I look back I think she was actually a bit jealous in a weird way and seemed to never want me to look fashionable!

Please don’t say anything. Her clothes are there to adhere to school uniform and to make her feel comfortable. They may look uncomfortable but if she feels good that’s all that matters. They’re not there to flatter her figure or any of the other things we as adults were told.
I love that kids wear their clothes and don’t worry about their bums or their tummies like we did.
If someone at school mentions it to her she’ll have to decide if she cares enough to change.

I would take her shopping and simply say "I'm not keen on those school trousers and hoped we could try on some other styles and see what you think". Hopefully you will find some that flatter her and can say how great they look. No need to elaborate on why you are not keen on the first pair - although if she insists she lives them and wants to wear them then not much you can do. Even if she wants high wasted their might be a petite range that dont come up to her chest.

They got ripped in the wash and the shop is out of stock so you'll take her into m&s to try some others.

My mum used to tell me I shouldnt wear this or that as it doesn't look good on me. I know she did it in a good faith but it made me feel miserable, unattractive and I had no confidence in my looks.
I am over 40 years old and I still feel this way. I would so much prefer to be one of those girls who wear what they want and don't care!
Don't tell your daughter, please.

Please have that conversation.

The last thing she needs is the mickey taking

They got ripped in the wash and the shop is out of stock so you'll take her into m&s to try some others.

*

This.

I would so much prefer to be one of those girls who wear what they want and don't care!

I can't imagine her being made fun of and/or into meme will be something she'll be able to brush off.

Appearance does matter, despite people pretending that it doesn't.

Whatever you say will stick with her. Whilst i agree with not setting her up for teasing, i find your language and the way you've spoken about her unsettling and it comes across that you really don't believe girls should have a tummy and you're judging her for her size. If this comes across she'll be so upset. So please have a hard think about your feelings and what you want her to take from the conversation

Yep, agree. And that's 100% fine

Now that's a great idea. OP, you have some thoughts on this which I don't think are unkind or judgmental, just an opinion, which is valid. Agree with others, and Crazycrazylady above, let her see pictures and if she's happy, all good.

Let her wear what she is comfortable in…if she gets upset after a bad experience then console her and get her some new ones.

it’s hard, but you’ve got to let her flourish or fall on her own

You are her mother you can tell your opinion without breaking her heart. I have daughters as well. So I feel flr you. Just tell that she looks really good in skirt or skirt suits her really well. But do not mentioned that trousers doesnt look on her.