Should I tell my DD that her school trousers don't suit her?

[Kimmee]

Hi all,

First of all, let me say that this is my first post here and I've tried to word it as tactfully as possible!

Anyway, my eldest DD recently started secondary school and me and her picked out her new uniform together. Her school (thankfully) has a pretty lax uniform policy and considers a variety of styles acceptable, not needing to go to any particular supplier etc. I tried a supplier which I won't name because this is no reflection on them and so it's not fair on them, but I've heard good things about them being reasonably priced yet high quality at the same time.

My DD insisted we look through things together and we settled on a couple of pleated skirts and some senior girls trousers. She was drawn to one style in particular which had a higher waist (which I know is very 'in' right now with girls) and had an internal adjuster which I thought would be good since she has trouble getting things to fit her. To clarify, she's definitely on the chubbier side, but not in a way that's really a cause for worry in my opinion.

Now, it all arrived the next week and I watched her put it on. The skirts fit her fine and looked very smart and flattering on her figure, but not so much with the trousers! I should mention that my DD is also one of the shorter girls for her age at around 4 and a half foot and the trousers came up too high! She was actually wearing the trousers over her waist at the same height she had the skirts which didn't look right at all and frankly surprised me that she found comfortable.

I told her that I thought the trousers were supposed to be worn lower and that they didn't look right, but she insists that she likes them that way and it's fine. While I do admire her confidence in wearing what she wants, I'm also worried that she's oblivious to what might happen at school. I can't help but think that others would make fun of her for it, because she does wear them very high over her tummy (which looks like it's all been awkwardly stuffed in and might pop out of them at any moment!).

As you can imagine, this is especially the case when she sits down, which gives a very unflattering appearance such as the trousers sitting just under her chest or letting you see the outline of her tummy. She does also wear jeans which tend to be quite high waisted, but she can wear tops over them of different materials / styles / colours...Unlike her uniform which always needs her shirt to be tucked in!

My DD is VERY bright, but she's also very sensitive and can suddenly throw a wobbly when she gets upset which I know would affect her excellent work. The question is, how do I talk to her honestly about it and go about stopping the obvious and letting other people's inevitable comments about her trousers get her down? I hope I'm not being harsh here.
Let me guys know what you think!

-Kimmee

I would just be honest in a nice way. I would say, the cut is way to high on you and another cut is more flattering to your body type. It does not always have to be about being chubby....but sometimes if you have a long or shorter torso, certain trousers look good or not depending on body type, length etc. I have told my kids when things are too small or tight for them (but they also like to wear clothing that is say for age 5 when they are age 9 lol).

Teens will want to wear whatever shape is “in” regardless of their own shape. It’s much more important to them and their peers to wear the seasons shape. High waists appear to be very popular right now. I hate them, on me and in others but I appreciate that at 45 I know nothing about what is the right thing for a 15 year old to wear.
Therefore I don’t think you should interfere.

I took the sane approach. No comments. No scales. It’s worked and DD(16) has no body issues or self esteem problems. She's comfy and confident in her body. Slim but not skinny.

The only comment I make is an understated occasional compliment on what good taste she has or that she looks lovely.

Having been raised by parents who did negatively comment, even if done only in the spirit of kind feedback, I know the mark it left on me.

I guess it comes down to mum being tactful and directing towards something more flattering and risking getting it wrong....causing problems..or the class bitch ripping the piss out of her...causing problems..which becomes the lesser of two evils.

Having worked with teens and raising one too, this is not really how current teen girls work. It’s not the culture and always very surprising to me at my age but they’re much less focused on that type of shaming and often teen girl groups now won’t tolerate that type of bullying. They still fall out and bullying happens but the culture now amongst teens is much less focused on body shaming/clothes. So I’d definitely say that a mothers wrongly worded criticism, despite being well intentioned, is likely to cut deeper.

Plus chances are it’s the style that’s ‘in’ and fit doesn’t really matter to them.

Teen girls are very different to how they were even one generation ago.

This.

My daughter has friends who are on the bigger side but they are super popular and in the very cool girls crowd (in fact one of them is THEE most popular girl).

Tough one. tbh I see loads of this generation out in clothes that I would never have dared wear with their particular body type.

I have people saying stuff like this. It’s similar to when an op will say oh I was supposed to do my sil a favour but she’s a dick’ and there will be loads of ‘oh what a shame you’ve just got Covid and can’t wink wink tee hee aren’t I a clever cookie.’

If you lie, she’ll probably know. Ruining her clothing and dragging her into M&S to choose more isn’t the answer here and implies you think the girl is stupid.

Having said that, I don’t think the answer is staying silent either. I would maybe just suggest to her getting a couple of different pairs so she has a choice of styles, then letting her try them on and remarking that you prefer x trousers on her and think they look nicer and suit her better than y pair. Also, if she is overweight (because that’s generally what people mean when they say somebody ‘has a bit of a tummy’) is this something you’re dealing with/supporting her with? Because that will of course be affecting her too.

My DD has recently started senior school.
Fitting in and making friends is very important and I want her experience to be a positive one therefore, as her Mum I feel it would be my duty to tell her that her trousers aren't flattering.
Kids at that age can be cruel and I'd rather prevent unnecessary cruel comments if possible.
Tell her how fab she looks in her skirts and take her out shopping for a better pair of trousers.

The thing is this isn’t a super confident, fashionable, popular sixth former. This is a yr 7 just starting school.
imo and from my dd’s experience you need to blend in to start with before making any fashion statements!

But then you haven’t protected her from the cruel comment, you have MADE the cruel comment. And it’s come from someone she loves and trusts, which is worse.

My mum did this to me. Kids still said things. It would have been so much easier to cope with without having it from my mum too.

Being taken the piss out of hurts but not as much as your mum criticising you does.

You think you are seeing the truth about how good she does or doesn't look but go back to old pictures of yourself in the fashions of the time and I bet you look bloody terrible. You really are seeing it all through a lens of fashion - and that includes what is 'flattering'.

Unless you are in THE most popular group (and even then it’s a precarious position) the start of year 7 is not the time for fashion statements
low key, blend in. At least until Christmas when she’s got a handle on what others are wearing.

My children are quick to tell me if something doesn't look right!! We all tell each other but in a nice way!

Exactly. I actually appreciate that my mum will tell me if something looks ridiculous on me. Saves the embarrassment of finding out after leaving the house.

If she usually wears high-waisted trousers/jeans then she knows what she looks like. You don't need to tell her.
If you think the high-waisted jeans she wears only work because she layers them then buy a school jumper or cardigan so she has an option of layers for school too. But leave her to it. She has skirts. If she doesn't like wearing the trousers, she'll switch to the skirts.

The thing is that it’s just your opinion rather then fact and as a mum you won’t have your finger on school age fashion.

Why don't you buy her a spare pair from somewhere else. They might be a better fit and she might even prefer them. If not I'd probably let her be.

This post is 7 months' old

god Who talks about their kid like this. So she’s got a tummy, has your body image issues taken over all parental instinct?

fucking hell

She doesn’t owe you or anybody else a “flattering look” with her clothes choices. My mum regularly commented that certain clothes didn’t “do me any favours” and I have an awful relationship with body image. We will only really progress as women and have body autonomy when we let go of the belief that our body should look a certain way.

Absolutely this.

Do you know someone with a girl already at the school you can ask for advice?
The stuff my DD wears that I think looks awful is what virtually every other girls is wearing.

Are they actually ankle bashers? Not understanding the issue.

This post is from September

You don't! Of course they look shit. Most teenagers look a mess.

Let her make her own mistakes and learn from them.