Should I tell my DD that her school trousers don't suit her?

[Kimmee]

Hi all,

First of all, let me say that this is my first post here and I've tried to word it as tactfully as possible!

Anyway, my eldest DD recently started secondary school and me and her picked out her new uniform together. Her school (thankfully) has a pretty lax uniform policy and considers a variety of styles acceptable, not needing to go to any particular supplier etc. I tried a supplier which I won't name because this is no reflection on them and so it's not fair on them, but I've heard good things about them being reasonably priced yet high quality at the same time.

My DD insisted we look through things together and we settled on a couple of pleated skirts and some senior girls trousers. She was drawn to one style in particular which had a higher waist (which I know is very 'in' right now with girls) and had an internal adjuster which I thought would be good since she has trouble getting things to fit her. To clarify, she's definitely on the chubbier side, but not in a way that's really a cause for worry in my opinion.

Now, it all arrived the next week and I watched her put it on. The skirts fit her fine and looked very smart and flattering on her figure, but not so much with the trousers! I should mention that my DD is also one of the shorter girls for her age at around 4 and a half foot and the trousers came up too high! She was actually wearing the trousers over her waist at the same height she had the skirts which didn't look right at all and frankly surprised me that she found comfortable.

I told her that I thought the trousers were supposed to be worn lower and that they didn't look right, but she insists that she likes them that way and it's fine. While I do admire her confidence in wearing what she wants, I'm also worried that she's oblivious to what might happen at school. I can't help but think that others would make fun of her for it, because she does wear them very high over her tummy (which looks like it's all been awkwardly stuffed in and might pop out of them at any moment!).

As you can imagine, this is especially the case when she sits down, which gives a very unflattering appearance such as the trousers sitting just under her chest or letting you see the outline of her tummy. She does also wear jeans which tend to be quite high waisted, but she can wear tops over them of different materials / styles / colours...Unlike her uniform which always needs her shirt to be tucked in!

My DD is VERY bright, but she's also very sensitive and can suddenly throw a wobbly when she gets upset which I know would affect her excellent work. The question is, how do I talk to her honestly about it and go about stopping the obvious and letting other people's inevitable comments about her trousers get her down? I hope I'm not being harsh here.
Let me guys know what you think!

-Kimmee

I’m now 56 I was never allowed jeans until I was 17 because I was fat as told by the cow who dragged me up, to this day I do not have a mirror in the bedroom when I first got my first flat screen tv it showed my reflection for six months I threw a sheet over it so I wouldn’t see my body. It took six months for me to stop doing this. Please be very careful what you say to her.

I hear you loud and clear I know exactly what you mean. I still hate my body.

I think I would have a ‘washing disaster’ (easily believed in this house) and then they are sold out in her size. Then order a whole lot that you think might work better for her figure. Apologise lots.
Kids can be unbelievably cruel at that age and it will follow her throughout school if it isn’t stopped quickly, trust me.
That said, the fashion at the moment looks pretty dreadful on everyone I’ve seen no matter what their shape.

I think those who have body issues from horrible comments need to be mindful that a few supportive comments are just not the same thing.

We all have to tell our children some difficult things at times, not doing so would be letting them down. I have had to discuss all sorts of issues but have been very careful. Some are grown now and I see now issues, they seem confident. Would it really have been better to leave them without support? My view is no, it is better to kindly and sparingly help.

That said anything that is about the body and not the clothes is not a good idea.

-- I agree with this. If you don't tell her, someone else will and won't be as kind! I'd just offer alternatives, take her shopping to try things on. Maybe phrase it in a way that she needs a few different pairs but saying nothing and sending her on her merry way is cruel. My DD has also just started high school and I'd desperately try to.protect her from this.

Wow! Those saying not to say anything really cannot have teenage girls at secondary school. You can instil all the confidence you want with as many body positive phrases as possible but it only takes one horrid comment from a school peer to shatter her. And that is so hard to deal with; once that comment has been uttered she cannot unhear it.

OP you have to try and do something - photos could be a good idea or you have to go with the difficult conversation. You are doing her a disservice by allowing her to go in wearing them as other girls won't phrase anything nicely!

Once she's settled at secondary and has a group of friends then she can wear whatever style she likes. But that's not for the first few weeks of yr 7.

The problem is what you think looks good and what the teens think looks good is not the same.
Tight leggings with bum showing, very tight bright cycling shorts and very very high waisted, I would say ugly, trousers that make your bum look massive and show you have a tummy are what all the coolest girls in 6th form are wearing. Size doesn't matter like it did when we were teens.
So you may be wrong about how she looks and actually that is cool now 😎

Put them on a very hot wash and tell her they must have bern poor quality and they got ruined !

I have an 11 year old DD. I would want to do anything I could to reduce the risk of her being bullied, so I think you should say something honest, but not unkind.

I would say something along the lines of 'Those skirts look really lovely on you. Are you pleased with them? I'm not sure the trousers are quite right though. Should we order another style and you can compare to see which you like best?'.

If you and fake the laundry incident you can blame the trousers "my goodness what were they thinking, it's like they were put together by a drunken mule! The seams, the cut, the alignment are all wrong and are doing nothing for your fabulous figure my darling, let's go and get some properly made ones shall we?"

its just your opinion, not hers or other peoples. Give her space to develop her own style.

Don't ... I haven't worn jeans for nearly 50 years because of what my mother said.

@Kimmee DO NOT SAY ANYTHING!!!

if you do you’ll affect her self esteem for years. Possibly life. Your voice, as her mum, is the loudest in her head.

If she’s confident, don’t be the voice that spoils that.

Also, what we consider to not look good does not translate to what teens think. Leave her be.

Because kids bully over things like this

I disagree with the majority on here. Surely if anyone can tell their dds that something doesn't look right it should be their parents. Better then her being taken the piss out of in school.

How about “oi Jannette cranky your kegs make you look dumpy as fuck”

or you could just let her wear the trousers she likes and maybe she won’t be discussing this with her therapist in 15 years

This! Fashion is dreadful at the moment and the coolest girls wear some diabolical stuff. My daughter is in that "cool" crowd and they wear Nike Pro shorts that barely cover their bum and tiny denim hot pants- type of shorts. Very rarely is it flattering 😅

Also it really depends on the school what kids might be bullied for. In my daughter's school it's about having the "right stuff" - like Nike bag, school shoes (black Nike Air Force 1) and water bottle (some dreadful AirUp bottle for £35) - not necessarily the body shape.

I would want to reduce her chances of being bullied too but it’s quite possible she knows more about the current fashion than you - check what her peers are wearing before saying anything!

My very very blunt talking,
pull no punches when it comes to my failings dds say I was amazing re weight and clothes when they were teenagers. Particularly as they’ve grown up and have more experience of other mothers and friends with ed/ low self confidence.
I never commented and didn’t have scales in the house. They also went to all girls schools with strictish uniforms and I didn’t get involved if they broke the rules.
They're mid 20s now. Healthy slim rather than stick thin and uninterested in clothes although can scrub up if needs be.
I cannot reiterate how bad a parent I was in other areas but it’s interesting that they’ve both recently commented that no scales/ no comment served them well. I’ll see if I can anonymise a shocking pic of dd2- she found it recently and said, “how could you let me out of the house like that?!” 💁🏻‍♀️😂

With my dad and her friends, body shaming is not accepted. Lots of girls of all shapes wear high waisted trousers etc. they do look better when they sit high up on the waist. I think the problem is you don't understand young fashion any more. You should let her get on with it.

My dad likes to wear v v high waisted or extremely baggy, with short tops, huge shirts and baggy sweatshirts.

*dd

I remember starting secondary school and my mother telling her friend that my school skirt didn't suit me. She didn't say it directly to me but I never forgot, and it did affect me. There was no option to wear trousers and I was miserable for years

Of course tell her. It doesn't have to be done in an unkind way at all. You can suggest the other options, such as 'I think these other xxxx suit you better,' or 'flatter your figure more'. It's up to her whether she heeds your advice or not, but there's no way I wouldn't say it (tactfully.)

If you must comment then "Those trousers do have quite a high waistband, don't they? Are you happy with them like that? We can always get some different ones if you ever want a change" would be open and non-judgemental.