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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Grandparents funding private school for one child only

103 replies

Chasingstatus · 06/09/2022 11:43

Looking for opinions on an odd one!


DH and I send our children to private school. We can afford it ok - but that’s because he works very hard in a highly stressful job that requires sacrifice from us all, and him most of all ( cancelled holidays, missed school events etc)


DH’s sister and her partner upped and moved to an area where they knew nobody mainly because it had good state schools, and they couldn’t afford private.


Now, DH’s other brother has announced that as there “ no good state schools” where he lives and “they don’t want to move”, their parents have offered to put his two boys through private senior school. Not our children nor his sister’s, just his. For context, he changed careers recently to allow him to spend more time with his children and is a low earner so would not be able to afford the fees himself


Thoughts?! AIBU to think this a tad unfair and is going to cause resentment?

OP posts:
Butterdishtea · 06/09/2022 11:48

Yes that is annoying but I guess the grandparents are looking at how to level things up for their grandchildren. Annoying that this means the family is being given more. Maybe it evens out in the legacy.

Andromachehadabadday · 06/09/2022 11:48

What did they say when you asked them to contribute?

YelloCar · 06/09/2022 11:56

I know what you’re saying but at the end of the day each child will have accessed a good education, isn’t that the main thing?

I don’t really like the idea of private education in general but it does even the playing field for them all a bit.

mrsm43s · 06/09/2022 12:15

Do you resent your nephews having the same opportunities that your children have got?

All the grandchildren are getting a good education, either state or private. Surely that's the best outcome all round?

MacNCheeeeese · 06/09/2022 12:17

I would personally be very unhappy about this. Your husband is in a high stress role and you make sacrifices as a family to afford private school. If his parents paid for your children's fees then he too could change to a less time consuming and less stressful role and spend more time with the family, and perhaps use more of his income on other things rather than fees?

That being said, I see in many families that adult children and their children are not treated fairly by the parents/grandparents and ultimately there is very little you can do about it because it's not your money.

TiredButAlive · 06/09/2022 12:20

It's their money and they can spend it however they want.

Pua · 06/09/2022 12:23

Your husband should speak to his parents to get their side of the story. If you’d like them to pay your fees ask them.

MelodyPondsMum · 06/09/2022 12:23

It will only cause resentment if you let it so choose not to resent your nephews.

Since DBIL has scaled back his work commitments, etc, there may also be other private, reasons for the GPs helping him eg health issues.

girlmom21 · 06/09/2022 12:25

Do their children deserve a lesser education because their dad wants to spend time with them?

YelloCar · 06/09/2022 12:30

I would personally be very unhappy about this. Your husband is in a high stress role and you make sacrifices as a family to afford private school.

Does he have this role purely to fund their education? I bet he would have this role anyway.

If he’d taken a dramatic step down like DBIL did and had spoken to his parents about how he now couldn’t afford private schooling, that all the local schools were shocking, that all the other grand
children had excellent schooling, would they have made the same offer they have to DBIL? I bet they would.

minipie · 06/09/2022 12:32

Would your DH choose to scale back his job if he knew school fees would be covered?

If so then he could potentially have an open conversation with his parents about whether they would fund school fees if he did this.

BreakfastClub80 · 06/09/2022 12:37

I think it could cause resentment but it does depend on the sibling relationship. My PIL did the same (although they only funded half the fees, IIRC) and the sibling relationship is fine as the other two brothers were able to afford their own childrens education (though we did raise our eyebrows when MIL told my BIL they’d have to ask us to fund their children if necessary as PIL were going to commit to his brother!). Personally, I think it was wrong though and it altered family dynamics to the detriment of the receiving family as effectively they felt like the poor relations. But they accepted all the help (and there was more going on, pension contributions and stuff) even though they weren’t poor by any means, so I had little sympathy.

So although I’m happy the kids had a good education, I think they’ve lost something in the family relationship due to their parents’ subsequent feelings.

Twilightstarbright · 06/09/2022 12:38

I’d be annoyed OP and can see similar happening here. BIL and SIL spend all their money of designer clothes and expensive cars so will cry poverty to PIL. Sometimes DH and I contemplate burning through our money to see if we would get similarly bailed out.

Sellorkeep · 06/09/2022 12:52

Andromachehadabadday · 06/09/2022 11:48

What did they say when you asked them to contribute?

I see what you did there 😀

Original poster
Chasingstatus · 06/09/2022 12:54

@girlmom21 Of course not. But is the implication that my DH WOULDNT want to spend more time with his kids and me rather than sitting in meetings?! Of course he would. If there had been an option to make no sacrifices, basically choose an easy life yet be handed everything on a plate believe me, we would have taken it.

And I totally get how it may seem otherwise….but I swear in no way do I want or expect my children to get a superior education to their cousins. however I DO question the process by which one family only is awarded this gift (we discovered later it was supposed to be very much on the quiet, by the way) with no discussion. Not to mention that DH’s sisters kids will now be the only ones not offered a private education - just because they did their research and moved away from friends and family to get a decent school.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chasingstatus · 06/09/2022 12:57

I get it and no, we haven’t and wouldn’t, as we can pay our own. And also, feel like that’s a pretty agro move as we know they wouldn’t be able to pay for them all. But if I was DH’s sister, I definitely would!

OP posts:
Summergirl5 · 06/09/2022 13:00

Tbh
I suspect the same thing is happening in our family ,can’t prove it ,but I think it is .
nothing I can do about it ,and it’s not my money ,it’s in-laws money ..so none of my business..I try not to think about it ,so I don’t sour relations

Iwonder08 · 06/09/2022 13:00

I am a big believer in verbalising one's feelings. Your DH should tell his parents how he feels and them prioritising one child/set of grandchildren is favoritism.

Original poster
Chasingstatus · 06/09/2022 13:04

hmm not sure my replies are making sense… am a first time poster and not sure how it works 😅

OP posts:
LivesinLondon2000 · 06/09/2022 13:05

This would upset me too OP.
I suggest your DH suggests to his parents that he’s thinking of switching to a lower paid job for a better quality of life and would they mind paying the school fees for your DC too?

I really think parents/grandparents should split financial aid equally between DC unless it’s a dire situation as in one sibling being homeless/on the breadline but that’s far from the case here. They should offer the same amount of money to your DC perhaps in a trust fund or savings account for them to use later.

girlmom21 · 06/09/2022 13:05

Did the grandparents offer or were they asked?

I'm sure if DH lost his job they'd do the same for your children or his sisters if she had asked, if they can afford to.

I get the feeling his brother piled on the pressure and they felt forced to help, for some reason.

snowballer · 06/09/2022 13:07

I'd be annoyed but also relieved that DH and I, and only us, were in control of our kids' education. As soon as grandparents start paying there is often either a direct or implied requirement for them to have a say in things they wouldn't normally. I personally couldn't bear it if my in-laws felt they had any kind of buy in to our children's education. So be thankful for that at least!

justusandmoo · 06/09/2022 13:09

Andromachehadabadday · 06/09/2022 11:48

What did they say when you asked them to contribute?

🤣🤣. Take a look at a recent thread on here called 'Patronising MN Replies that people pretend are sincere'. This was THE most common one!

Thereoncewasahorridmama · 06/09/2022 13:11

girlmom21 · 06/09/2022 12:25

Do their children deserve a lesser education because their dad wants to spend time with them?

But this is the thing about private education. Yes, if you can't afford it you dint get it. Do MY kids deserve a "lesser" education because we're poor? Who's going to pay for private then?

ParvuliThankYouDebbie · 06/09/2022 13:13

So all three siblings have made sacrifices. Different sacrifices.
Your DH sacrifices time at home with his children to earn a lot of money (do you also earn btw?) so your DC can go to private school.
SIL sacrifices where she lives so her DC can go to a good state school.
BIL sacrifices earning a lot of money to spend more time at home with his DC. Unfortunately, his DC don’t have a good state school nearby.
So the Grandparents help to level up for that particular set of GC.
Don’t see the issue, seems sensible.