Grandparents funding private school for one child only

[Chasingstatus]

Looking for opinions on an odd one!


DH and I send our children to private school. We can afford it ok - but that’s because he works very hard in a highly stressful job that requires sacrifice from us all, and him most of all ( cancelled holidays, missed school events etc)


DH’s sister and her partner upped and moved to an area where they knew nobody mainly because it had good state schools, and they couldn’t afford private.


Now, DH’s other brother has announced that as there “ no good state schools” where he lives and “they don’t want to move”, their parents have offered to put his two boys through private senior school. Not our children nor his sister’s, just his. For context, he changed careers recently to allow him to spend more time with his children and is a low earner so would not be able to afford the fees himself


Thoughts?! AIBU to think this a tad unfair and is going to cause resentment?

they can do what they like with their money but I am always amazed at how casually parents will create a situation that is bound to affect the family dynamics. One of the things I want most in life is for my children to get on with each other long after I am gone.

Similar has happened in my family.

I wouldn't mind this scenario in isolation.

What is the bigger picture? Do DH's parents help DH and/or your children and SIL and/or her kids in other ways? If so, I definitely wouldn't have an issue at all. I'd see the grandparents as being fair and equitable towards their children and grandchildren. If it's always BIL who gets more/extra/support, then I'd mind that, with private school just being one (of the many) examples as there'd be no fairness, equality, or equitability.

Thats your opinion. Which I couldn’t give a shit about.

As far as I am aware, I don’t have to post trying to ensure you approve.

All.actions have consequences

It's their money, not yours. They can do what they want with it. You have no right to question what they do.

You’ve missed the point completely

@C8H10N4O2
Havent posted many responses as believe or not, I genuinely just wanted to hear other people’s thoughts, especially those who have experienced similar situations themselves. Not interested in a bunfight, got enough of those already thanks.

Felt weird talking about DH’s thoughts, especially as he would likely kill me for posting on here 😅 but it is relevant so yes, he is pissed off/ miffed/ call it what you will. A few other points to add context that I maybe should have mentioned before. BIL and his wife often cause issues within the family and are quite distant from the rest of us…. Meet-ups always have to be on their terms, SIL often treats MIL like a piece of shit etc. Historically, the PILs have always made extra allowances for this brother and SIL, god knows why.

As for sneering at his job… seriously?! How you can read that into my question I have no idea. He earns more than I do myself, I can tell you that.

Oh FFS. Could someone please advise me how to reply directly to a response rather than creating a new post?? 😅🙄

My grandparents treated me differently to my cousins because I was growing up without a father and lived in a council estate. They paid for things and tried to level the playing field, especially when it became clear that I wasn't going to be academic or a high achiever. My cousins still have far better jobs, social lives and prospects. The levelling can only do so much. Don't worry OP, your kids will probably still end up better than your brothers.

I think this is one of those threads where it’s easy to be all detached and philosophical about it because it’s not happening to you, but I can see why the OP is annoyed. It’s not like BIL is busting his balls in a low paid job and the grandparents are levelling the playing field - they’re picking up his slack, where they don’t for the others. I can see why OP is annoyed. There’s not much she can do about it, but she is not BU.

I have seen unequal treatment regarding finances on both sides of our families. This does not involve education, DH and I have a sister each who get helped a lot because they are shit at life and are also quite clearly favourites. They have no health issues they are just bad decision makers. It’s only DH and his sister, I have five siblings. All our parents were divorced and three have now died. The two that had decent estates chose to leave everything to those favourite children. DH and I joke how we are 200k down which is what we would have received between us if the estates had been split evenly.

Suck it up op there is sadly nothing you can do.

Seems pretty clear to me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The grandparents are trying to ensure a level playing field

FOR THEIR GRANDCHILDREN.

They probably tried to ensure their children were given similar opportunities growing up and now they don’t want any of their grandchildren to suffer any perceived educational detriment due to the actions of the adult children.

BIL is probably a tosser but why should his children miss out if the grandparents can afford to step in and help?

I can see why your dh feels hurt but I can also see why the gps would want to help these particular grandchildren more than your children who are ok. If one of our children is less “together” than the others or struggles more it doesn’t feel right to most parents to just say “tough - we have you all the same start in life”. It’s natural for parents to try to help where help is needed.

but your dh should tell his dps that he finds it hard to watch. Not in an accusatory way, just as in acknowledging his feelings and being honest. But don’t expect the gp to suddenly stop trying to help the gcs who need it most.

Yeah I'd be annoyed. But I would get over it. It's the cousins who benefit so think of it that way rather than siblings being treated unequally. Your kids are in a good school, all the cousins are in a good school. Resentment is like holding on to hot rocks. It will only hurt you not the BIL. I think the GPs have been put in a difficult situation and I would understand and support them in that. BIL is irritating me and I have never met the man. Distance is your friend here. Just enjoy your lovely life and lovely children. Compartmentalize this unfairness which is well meant by the GPs to achieve fairness overall.

There is a saying that a parent is only as happy as their unhappiest child. I'm sure that's not true for all parents, but I believe it to be true for mine.

AFAIK, my brother and I had pretty much the same attention and opportunities growing up. I certainly haven't worked any harder than he has. But I have been luckier, being in the right place at the right time far more often. For whatever reason, financial success has just come more easily to me than to him.

My brother is by no means destitute, but our parents worry about him, believing that his situation is precarious. I've asked them to change their wills to leave everything to him in the hopes that it will ease their anxiety. I've also gladly promised to help him if he should ever ask for it. He has made a similar promise although, given our current positions, it's less likely to be called upon.

My feeling is that my parents have done their best for us and given us so much. The least I can do is to try to make them happy. In my family, giving more help to my brother at this point makes them happier.

FWIW, I didn't grow up in the UK.

This (though I'm not sure about the last para).

It's likely that the grandparents don't see it as helping their son, but helping the grandchildren. I'm not sure whether I'd do the same in this case, but I'd certainly struggle with watching one set of grandkids not having the same advantages as the others. I hope that I'd have an open discussion with all my kids about it though.

And though MN hates help given with strings attached, I'd expect to see some flexibility and consideration on the part of the kids' parents in exchange, since they seem to be pretty selfish

People often say they have done better because they are 'luckier'. Whilst there is some element of 'luck' in things that turn out well for us generally you will find that these people make good decisions, take opportunities and work hard, they make their own 'luck'.

I don't believe you can level up this luck. You can support and encourage however throwing money at a 'problem' or something you are uncomfortable with rarely ends well.

If the grandparents are trying to do this to 'level up' where does this stop? Are they going to buy one grandchild a car if the other one gets one and the parents can't afford it? Are they going to pay for sports lessons if one DGC isn't as good as the other?

Unless this money is a loan, I think it's wrong.

This reminds me of my brother, who has been sulking for months now that our mother has helped out me and my husband financially in a time of need and he hasn't been given the same money.

The reason he's not been given it is because he doesn't need it and will piss it up the wall. What he doesn't know is that my mother intends to give him the equivalent money for a house deposit when the time comes (the reason she can't tell him is because if he knows he's got that coming, he will make no effort to save anything himself).

People often say they have done better because they are 'luckier'. Whilst there is some element of 'luck' in things that turn out well for us generally you will find that these people make good decisions, take opportunities and work hard, they make their own 'luck'.
People are presented with different opportunities, and have different sets of skills, characteristics and experiences to be able to access (or not access) those opportunities, should they arise. Socio-economic discrepancies exist, and levelling them is not as easy as ‘working hard’.

If the grandparents are trying to do this to 'level up' where does this stop? Are they going to buy one grandchild a car if the other one gets one and the parents can't afford it? Are they going to pay for sports lessons if one DGC isn't as good as the other?
If the grandparents have excess money and want to do these things were is the harm? If it would benefit a child to have sports lessons, and the grandparents have the means and the desire to help, why is this ‘wrong’? The other grandchild who is able to receive sports lessons from their parents - would they see anything wrong with it?

There is huge harm if the same grandchildren are favoured. They should be loved snd treated the same. Their parents have base different choices snd have to live with the consequences of that. If it’s less money, so be it.

Favouritism always stinks. It doesn’t level anything playing field. If this is education thing out senior school it’s around £20,000-£30,000 per annum per child. That’s huge. So I would want to know why this is happening. If you do this, what are the consequences? Families often cannot stay friends when there is blatant favouritism snd manipulation. The OP doesn’t have to play along with this. It’s not worth it!

I’m with @YelloCar I bet your husband would do this role anyway. Are you really saying he’s doing a role that forces him to miss out on time with the kids, just so they can go to a private school? That every day that’s him doing it for the greater good? Bet it’s not. You could move to a good state school area 🤷🏻‍♀️
It’s his choice, just as his brothers made their choices.

Do you know, l think there are loads of parents who work in the NHS who don’t make school events because they are doing operations or shifts. . Or a parent may have to go abroad. Or they do long hours or even that they have several jobs! It’s a cosy assumption that long hours are a choice or awkward hours a choice. Yes, you might well earn enough for private school but your career is your career and it might not have the hours you want. Thank God some people are prepared to have demanding jobs snd pay high tax so others benefit. I know many families who both work hard and have to miss school events. Some even earn enough for private school where many mums and dads have demanding jobs and are rarely seen.

Mauve you could look to increasing your own income in order to ease some of the burden on your dh?

Lots of jobs mean parents miss school events or have to restrict time off with their dc. It's not a specific attribute to well paid jobs.

I prefer to be an independent adult and I am proud to have never to have accepted or asked for handouts from my parents. Even when times have been tough and lack of finance impacted my life choices.

Your parents are doing it for their dgc to have the same opportunities as their cousins as it is clear their own parents are not prioritising this.

Your brother has ever right to choose not to financially prioritise private school. But he would go down in my estimation for then accepting money from your parents to fund it.

So no, I wouldnt think "unfair". I would be pleased my niece/nephew are getting the opportunity.

What I do think is your parents and brother should have kept the arrangement private as both their finances are absolutely noone of your business.

Does the brother live close to the grandparents? Are the grandparents worried he might want to move away (so they don’t get to see him as much)? Does his job mean that he can’t afford a place with good state schools? But in any case, I wouldn’t want to be in his position, because if grandparents needed more care at home etc, the funding may have to stop.