Grandparents funding private school for one child only

[Chasingstatus]

Looking for opinions on an odd one!


DH and I send our children to private school. We can afford it ok - but that’s because he works very hard in a highly stressful job that requires sacrifice from us all, and him most of all ( cancelled holidays, missed school events etc)


DH’s sister and her partner upped and moved to an area where they knew nobody mainly because it had good state schools, and they couldn’t afford private.


Now, DH’s other brother has announced that as there “ no good state schools” where he lives and “they don’t want to move”, their parents have offered to put his two boys through private senior school. Not our children nor his sister’s, just his. For context, he changed careers recently to allow him to spend more time with his children and is a low earner so would not be able to afford the fees himself


Thoughts?! AIBU to think this a tad unfair and is going to cause resentment?

@Thereoncewasahorridmama but there's someone willing to pay for it.

I don't actually think state education is lesser, but I think generally people who sent their children to private school hold that view - especially those who cripple themselves to do it.

I suppose if your DH packed in his highly paid job in order spend more time with his DC and the Grandparents didn’t offer to pay for them too, then you’d have something to seem as unfair.

Maybe there isn't a bottomless pit of money and the grandparents are just levelling the playing field.

I'm surprised your BiL announced it - I wonder if his parents know he has done that. Maybe there is more to the story - perhaps he is getting his inheritence early and it will eventually be evened out in the will. Don't judge until you know. Perhaps suggest that your DH talks to his parents about it, but if he doesn't, don't make assumptions and waste years on resenting something you don't fully understand.

I'd be peeved too. Not sure what can be done about it though. Your BIL sounds very entitled.

There’s often a post like this on MN, I just find it a really bizarre attitude tbh.
I’ve got three siblings, two of us are doing really well financially, one of us doing pretty well, all bought own homes, have holidays, nice cars etc etc. One of us, not so much, renting, low paid job, but happy. Before he died my DF (and DSM) did way more for that sibling and their child, financially and in terms of helping look after them etc. When he died and I was dealing with his estate I discovered my DF had a savings account for that grandchild (and none of the other 7). I didn’t get all upset at the unfairness of it, none of the rest of us did, because our children want for nothing. We thought, how lovely of him, now that grandchild has something akin to ours.

I can see how you would be annoyed, and your SIL even more so, but as someone who turned down an offer of extended family paying for dc's school fees, I don't think you've necessarily got the worst deal. It depends on the individuals involved, but there can be an awful lot of emotional blackmail (we sacrificed a huge amount for your dc, now you owe us ...) or interference. I think you're better off out of that.

I can understand how this would rankle but I would honestly try not to let resentment fester and just feel grateful on behalf of your nephews that they have had this opportunity offered to them

I certainly don't agree with the poster above who has suggested your DH should voice his annoyance to his parents

If you're actually poor then there's a reasonable chance of a bursary. It's people who are not poor but are not wealthy enough for private who don't get it. I'm not saying it's better or worse (IMO it depends both on what's on offer in the local area and on the personality of the child), but it's not true to say that genuinely poor families don't get private schools places.

It’s not just helping out your BIL who’s down on his luck though. It’s paying for a luxury item - which private schooling very much is. I doubt all the state schools within his area are that bad. Over 90% of children attend state schools so why should his children be any different?

I think its difficult TBH .You and your DH have made sacrifices to give your child a good education.This is to be applauded.Did BIL also have a high paying job prev? and gave it up or was he always on a low wage.I also think that unless all DH wages go on School Fees, then you presumably have a better standard of living/private health care/good pension and so on.At the end of the day its their money and up to them where they spend it.Is it worth any Bad feeling calling them out on this? If you all get on well (including DC) A happy life with Cousins /family and so on is worth a lot.

This is what helps me deal with this type of situation: it's their money and they can do what they like with it. Kids feel entitled to parent money because as children most families strive to be fair on what the kids have. But that's because as children their situation is usually the same as all part of one household. As adults, parents can spend their money on whatever they want, it does not have to be the same amount on all kids.

Thanks everyone for your different perspectives - genuinely v helpful and appreciated. I can just see this being an issue that upsets the balance for years to come in our family… particularly because yes he is more than a little entitled 🫢

@ParvuliThankYouDebbie Your comment in particular has given me food for thought…Thank you.

And I’m always so impressed at how generous many people on here are. As I’d be very unimpressed if my parents did something similar. As a previous poster said, there are regular threads on similar topics. And most posts are of the view that they genuinely wouldn’t be bothered by their siblings getting more financial help from parents even when it’s to pay for non-essentials like holidays or school fees.

I’ve a good friend who’s a solicitor and a sizeable percentage of her work is dealing with siblings contesting their parents’ or relatives’ wills. Perceived parental favouritism is one of the biggest sibling issues there is!

You lost me at this.

We can afford it ok - but that’s because he works very hard in a highly stressful job that requires sacrifice from us all, and him most of all ( cancelled holidays, missed school events etc)

Private school fees are not affordable by "making sacrifices" they are a consumer choice of how to use disposable income. No amount of "sacrifice" will make private schools affordable if you are on average earnings or even some way above.

Nor is a high income automatically and solely because of one's own hard work. No shortage of people working long hours in critical roles for low pay - its because he chose to apply that work in a higher paying sector. I made that same switch but I don't pretend its a virtue on my part.

Frankly, its between your Martha, Mary and their parents. Leave it to them to sort out.

I see it from a different perspective . You say he is the lower earner of the siblings so your parents in law probably know he needs the most help . Parents or grandparents don’t have to help everyone equally , they can help those who they think need help at the time .
my parents helped my sister financially more than me on a number of occasions but I don’t feel resentful at all because thankfully I did not need it .

Theres always a favourite kid and you've found out who it is in your family. We have this with my partners mum/brother. We literally get dumped if the other brother wants something even tho hes an absolute shit.

But your solicitor friend is only going to see families that have issues.
I don't know any family that treats all adult DCs equally. I do know lots of families who tailor their support to the ones who need it most. And siblings offer support as much as parents so no-one struggles. It's about cooperation rather than competition.

My take on this would be to think that DB was a fool to accept this as unless GPs have already paid all the fees up front this is a gift which could all too easily be withdrawn.

No way would I want my DCs' schooling to be dependent on the grace and favour of a GP who could change their mind or want a say in choice of schools or worse still, subject choices.

Much better to cut your cloth according to your means.

I would say it depends on the context. For example if one sibling did a job that didn't pay well e.g. nurse, teacher etc etc then I can totally see how DG would help them but not the lawyer plus consultant couple. Was your BIl ever going to be able to afford the fees even working full time? Lots of jobs pay much less than they should while others a lot more....its an unequal (and frankly almost disgracefully so) society and it would make sense to DG to help one set more than the other

No I wouldn't be happy and would be telling my parents so, not that it would make any difference.

I would also echo re fees long term - do PIL know how expensive it gets? I wonder what they'll do when all the expensive sport kit and trips are required.

@MelodyPondsMum
I don't know any family that treats all adult DCs equally.

Agreed. But it’s when it’s a bit secretive that problems arise. My parents bought my sibling a house (sibling was single and earning less at the time) but they discussed it with us first to make sure we understood why they were doing it so that we wouldn’t feel there was any favouritism. They also said they would balance it out when it came to any future inheritances. We had no issue with it because they were open and upfront about it and we wanted our sibling to be happy and feel secure.
Yes parents’ money is theirs to do what they wish with but there has to be some consideration of sibling’s feelings too. They should at least discuss it with the OP’s DH. For all they know he is exhausted and desperate to give up a high pressure job but can’t because he feels he needs to keep working to pay school fees.

going against the grain, I think the GPs are being unfair here to favour one set of GCs over the others. Even if the 3 parent-age children have made different life choices, cash should be given out evenly to all 3. my parents are scrupulously fair about that. anything else breeds resentment.

special needs / severe illness is the only case that is an exception. So if Bro3 couldn't support his kids because of illness, then fair enough to boost that family. but if Bro3 has chosen low-paid jobs, then that is his choice for him & his kids to live with.

Poor kids are already disadvantaged by having a dickhead father, sounds like they need all the help they can get.

State schools in middle class areas are often very good. House prices rocket in catchment areas.
NO parents want their DC to go to “Rough” or failing schools.
My brother is having his kids privately educated courtesy of his in laws.
He ( And they) are very lucky.
Far less bullying and zero antisocial behaviour.
It’s like a filter that keeps out “Troublesome and disruptive ” pupils.

This is often what makes grandparents pay.
Tough on the kids without wealthier relatives-