Grandparents funding private school for one child only

[Chasingstatus]

Looking for opinions on an odd one!


DH and I send our children to private school. We can afford it ok - but that’s because he works very hard in a highly stressful job that requires sacrifice from us all, and him most of all ( cancelled holidays, missed school events etc)


DH’s sister and her partner upped and moved to an area where they knew nobody mainly because it had good state schools, and they couldn’t afford private.


Now, DH’s other brother has announced that as there “ no good state schools” where he lives and “they don’t want to move”, their parents have offered to put his two boys through private senior school. Not our children nor his sister’s, just his. For context, he changed careers recently to allow him to spend more time with his children and is a low earner so would not be able to afford the fees himself


Thoughts?! AIBU to think this a tad unfair and is going to cause resentment?

@parietal
totally agree with you that anything else breeds resentment.
My in-laws also prioritised one set of GC - though in terms of time rather than financially (well as far as I know anyway!)
No obvious reason for why but it has led to resentment amongst the other siblings. Perhaps there is/was a genuine reason they feel they needed to provide more childcare and assistance to those children but they have never said so and so the rest of us have just assumed that they’re the ‘favourites’ and backed off and left them to it. But all the other GC now have much less of a relationship with them which is sad.
Definitely something I’m very conscious of hopefully not repeating with my DC.

Been there
Got the t shirt
The single sided sponsoring of one child's children is still hurtful when the said grand kids are in their late 30s.
Parents should be even handed, give to one give to all.

You do know this is the most hated comment on Mumsnet, right?

It's not levelling you it's blatant favouritism and is me nightly fucked off at the principle of it. I may be slightly scarred as the sibling of a golden child though...

Up!

I don't think I'd be hacked off at all if I could afford it myself. If the offer was there I would still work hard to pay myself as it would be my choice to send them therefore should be my money that paid for it. I also don't think I'd be hacked off if I was the sister either. Resentment, jealousy, "backing off" in these kinds of situations and allowing it to leave a dark cloud to me is petty, and says more about the jealous child than the parents deciding how they prioritise spending THEIR money. Imagine A parent that could afford to help and send their poorest grandchild to private school, but didn't incase it upset their other, richer children/grandchildren 🙄

but he hasnt sacraficed (he mooched) the grandparents have sacraficed (both money and likely relationships with their other family).

His sacrafice (choice) would be his kids not affording good schools but he did not get that, he got a free ride instead.

But in all honesty, does your husband only do that job to pay for private education?

It does seem unfair but they are probably thinking of their grandkids. They cant make you bil move or earn more. They may be just thinking of the kids and want them to have a better education than is available.

And?

I would not be happy with this. But from a perspective of one family has less time with the dad than the other solely because GP have chosen to fund the other family without any extra work.
I would say something myself and see what they say. What have you got to lose you're already annoyed about it.

I would find out how much the school fees are and ask the grandparents if they are deducting this figure from inheritances. Actually I wouldn’t - but I’d be annoyed and tempted to say it.

I think your DH should speak to his parents about this - it is an issue.

Will the BIL have the money to pay for the expensive uniforms and extra curricular classes? If not, grandparents will be forking out even more.

I think the thing is, this is quite a considerable amount of money and gifting it to one child for their kids’ education when not doing the same or similar for the other grandkids smacks of favouritism.

I can imagine this damaging the family relationships quite badly.

Yeah but you’d be pissed off if it was you

Resentment isn't like a rain cloud that comes over us and we don't control.

It will cause resentment if you allow it to.

Good on you and your DH for working hard and being able to provide for your children in this way.

Celebrate that and feel proud rather than resent what someone else might be getting.

As we often say in the law - "equal treatment" does not mean treating everyone exactly the same.

It means, where you have two situations that are the same, behaving in the same way to both.

And equal treatment also means, where you have two situations that are different, behaving in different ways in relation to each.

Your kids are AT private school.
BILs are not.

Different situations hence different treatment is actually equal treatment.

@Andromachehadabadday

*And ...
*
And .. it's a gobshitey comment that's masquerading as being genuine.

Just say what you really want to say instead of being so PA

It’s their money and they can spend it on what and who they want. Please don’t spin a sob story about sacrifices and bla bla bla, you send your kids to private school because you want to. You invest in your children you don’t sacrifice for them.

I would be very upset and when the grandchildren grow up they will be upset that one set of grandchildren were prioritised over the others.

I think DH should voice that he is upset, and if they decide to go ahead with this plan I’d just row back from the relationship with them.

Both myself and DP have siblings who are treated better than us, financially and emotionally and it absolutely is corrosive to family dynamics. I could understand if the child needed private healthcare due to a condition etc and grandparents spent more on that GC to cover costs, but not a non essential like private school.

Yes it is the parents money, but favouring one set of GC over the others will have impact on family relationships.

The new OP in their only post doesn't actually say the DH is unhappy - just that they themselves are resentful of the way their in-laws spend their money.

Would you really expect the grandchildren in this scenario to resent that their DGPs were the type of people who used their money to ensure that all their DGC had an near equivalent educational start in life? You would think more of them if they sat on the money on the basis that they should have had the sense to be born to the richer or more money minded parents?

@C8H10N4O2 I don’t think it’s fair no, that one parent is working like mad to pay for private school and is missing important events and family time and the other sibling has had to move homes to find a decent state school for the third sibling to be then handed school fees on a platter no.

I have a sibling that is treated like the golden child and so does my partner. The result of it is neither of us have much to with our parents outside obligation.

What if the other grandchildren have needs when they are older, medical, university etc and their parents circumstances change and can no longer afford private fees, but the grandparents don’t put money towards their needs? It is a situation rife for creating bad feeling over the generations.

The PIL can do what they like with their own money but it will have consequences if it isn’t fairly divided. (Excepting exceptional situations, a parent widowed, lost home, job, health etc).

Also if the children lack means and are clever there are bursaries and scholarships, from age 5 to my masters degree my entire school and university education was on academic and needs based scholarships.

There is giving different levels of support because kids need different things and then there is favouritism. One is fine and one is not. Only you know which it is @Chasingstatus ! If favouritism, that is shit.

Well tbh, I'm wondering why the OP hasn't returned having dropped and fed the kind of post guaranteed to start a bunfight.

This isn't about giving one child more than another. Its about the grandchildren who are not responsible for their parents' behaviour, whatever you think of it.

Maybe in this scenario the DGPs think the son sacrificing some career prospects for children has made a worthy choice and they want to reward it. Its what women do every day - should they be rubbished in the way the OP sneers at the BiL? Maybe his low paid career which the OP seems to regard as sneer worthy is something the DGPs consider of social value or other value. We only have the OP's word for the fact that he is a slacker (aka anyone not on a high salary).

Choice of the word "sacrifice" to make a consumer choice for personal advantage seems gauged to cause argument. The OP isn't even the child and hasn't stated that the DH is unhappy with the choice. The entire thrust of the argument seems rooted in envy or to shit stir.

I think the resentment is more to you than to your DH. Thats based on my personal experience.

i’m from indonesia. My grandmother is wealthy and i’m her first grand daughter. I’m the apple of her eyes basically. I always get more than other grandchildren. My nan bought me a mercedes for my first car. She even bought me a flat back home. She isnt doing it to other grand kids though. My aunt and uncle not hating me or my mother. Their spouses yes. Especially my uncle’s wife. Hate me to the bone 🤣

I wouldn't care in your situation. The sister that moved might feel aggrieved though and I'd understand that.

My mil only offered to help pay towards our ds to go to a private school and said she didn’t have money for our two dd’s-we have since found out she has more than enough money to send lots of
children to private school. I know it’s her money and she can do what she likes with it, but it doesn’t sit comfortably that she only helped with her grandson and not granddaughters.

If I was the sister, I’d be miffed.