Year 8 Girl very unhappy - advice please

[Ichangedmynameonce]

My daughter is in year 8 at a small state girls school.

She has always been happy and made friends easily, but since moving to secondary, she hasn't really made any friends the situation has rapidly deteriorated and she is incredibly unhappy.

She was the subject of some horrible remarks from other girls early this year.
We spoke to head of Year, who spoke to girls involved and it stopped. But now my daughter is left on her own and mostly ignored. She doesnt think theres a plan to ignore her, more that everyone is indifferent to her. They speak back to her briefly if she speaks to them.

I've been in touch again with head of year- I emailed her which she didnt respond to, then mailed her again after a week, again no response- so we phoned her and spoke to her. She doesn't seem to understand how unhappy DD is.

Head of year said she was "struggling " to suggest what school can do, but said she'd speak to DD last Monday. She did this, but with 2 other teachers who were eating their lunch in the room. She (according to DD) stressed that she has to go to school.

So, with the advice of an acquaintance who is a governor there, I've now emailed the deputy head who is apparently very hot on mental health and wellbeing and currently waiting for response.

I am sure we are on a path to school refusal unless something changes. Each morning and evening DD barely speaks,,cries about school and constantly asks "what's the point of going to be ignored for 7 hours?"

Just for context, she does outside activities which she loves and has lots of friends at. She has some friends in another form, but can only spend limited time with them and feels that if she keeps going into their class she is a bit of a hanger on.

She was so happy previously and we can see her changing before our eyes. I'm frightened that this is going to start to define her as she is so young. And that she will start to hate us and stop talking to us, as we are making her go.

She/ we have done all that they have so far suggested (join clubs, school play etc) but nothing changed.

Can I ask that she moves forms? It's a tiny school, all classrooms set up for a specific no. Of girls so doubt they can do this..

Would really welcome advice. Thank you

Leaving now for work but will read any responses later

I think this can be a problem in single sex schools. We have a great one in our area but I have heard girls can have a tough time there, We moved our daughter when she was in year 10, albeit for another reason than friendships, and I was very worried about moving schools, but it was the right move and she settled in ok. So if she is very unhappy it is worth a try and maybe very beneficial. Also as this can really affect a child’s self esteem do anything you can in the foreseeable to build this. We were told by a counsellor to praise daily- not gushing ‘ oh you are so wonderful’ type of praise but incidental praise - such as ‘ thanks for bringing the plates in’, ‘ thanks for saying that to your sister’ type thing- casual but regular.
Good luck to you and your daughter I really hope it works itself out.

I don’t think emotional bullying is confined to single sex schools. By 13 girls and boys tend to be different in what they want from friends and what they talk about to them. Girls see themselves as more mature and won’t be best friends with 6 boys (and that’s assuming the bots want them as a lone girl). She wants female friends and that’s normal for that age. Therefore it makes no difference as to type of school. In fact a big girls’ school provides far more friend opportunities. More girls to choose from.

I’ve been thinking about you and your daughter a lot Ichanged.

I think you’re doing all you can. Some schools just don’t budge. Even if you don’t want to move your daughter, put her name down on waiting lists.

If nothing has changed after Easter I’d talk to the school and see if they’re willing to think about a managed move. They may or not, but their reaction would tell you a lot.

I don’t think you have to get the school to cooperate with a managed move. You are entitled to move your daughter to another school if it has space or to put her on the waiting list for a space at another school if full. I didn’t ask my daughter’s previous school to cooperate with a move I simply informed them I was moving her. This was a state school to state school move and we only got 2 days notice of the space becoming available at the new school and therefore her previous school also only got two days notice of her leaving.

Also just to say, if things get too bad and you feel you have no option but to move, but no schools have spaces, you can appeal (which may take a few months) but you stand a good chance with all that's been going on. Make sure to keep a paper trail, back up conversation by email etc.

gsha a managed move isn’t the same thing as moving via the normal in year transfer process. A managed move does require the school’s cooperation, but it isn’t appropriate in this case.

@TizerorFizz everything you have said above is so useful thank you. Feels like it gives us some useful words and phrases to use and also some practical idea of reasonable stuff they should be doing. Thank you

Just got to the bottom and wanted to thank everyone else.

What is a 'managed move'?

@camdenish good idea re waiting lists, I will do this

Managed moves are typically for pupils close to exclusion. The second school agrees to take the pupils but they can bounce back to their original school if issues arise. You don’t want or need this. You just need a standard school move.

I see, thank you

Managed move is when schools themselves initiate swapping their naughtiest kids in the hope a fresh start and new friendship group might help resolve the issues.

I would make a pain of yourself with your target school a friend wanted to move her daughter and was told full then got lucky the head rang her up and said someone was moving they could have the space. Or if full appeal on mental health grounds etc

Just a quick thing Op. You said the schools nearby were full. When we needed to move schools and felt we could no longer let her attend her original school our local school was full but in 3 weeks a place had come up and this was year 10 when there is less movement. You may find a place comes up quite quickly in your daughters year. So if you go down the route of moving schools a place may come up quicker than you think. There is no magic bullet for these situations and these years are very difficult for a lot of,children. Our situation has improved with the move, the pastoral care is excellent in the school she is at now.
I worry daily that things will return to the ‘ dark days’ but you do what you can and hope they thrive. Good luck again you are doing a great job

What happened with your DD now in Year 9? How did you resolve the situation, Ichangedmynameonce? I am asking this because I am in a similar but also slightly different situation. DD is in Year 8 at an independent co-ed school. She is being ignored. Changing form is not an option and changing school would be very tricky. Not impossible, but tricky.

There's no way they can have a rule to not change tutor groups. They have a duty of care and of your daughter is miserable they have to take that into account. Maybe in 10 years they haven't, that doesn't mean they shouldn't. What a strange attitude. I would ask for a policy where it clearly says this and if they still insist, make a company to the governor's.

Thanks @Jarron and @Dodgeitornot I'm sorry , I've just seen your messages.

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter @Jarron and I hope things have improved.

We had a good ending- a girl left in the class she had friends in and so they called me in June last year to offer her that place in September. She took the place in the new class and it was (unsurprisingly) transformational for her (and our family).

I don't know what we would have done, but I hope we would have had the courage to move her to a new school.

There has been some long term impact on her confidence and self esteem, but for the large part she is herself again and happy.

I am sure that if she has remained in her old class her confidence would have been crushed, with long term consequences.

Wishing you all the best, I empathise and appreciate how bloody awful it is.

Also- regardless of the schools duty of care, my experience is that if they dont want to move them or support them, they won't.

@Ichangedmynameonce That's a great update OP. Unfortunately the ending is correct. Schools are mass scale and can't afford to take a holistic view of each child. I guess swapping classes would unleash a domino effect they want to avoid. I'm glad it wasn't the case with your DD though. Amazing how one change can make such a difference.