Year 8 Girl very unhappy - advice please

[Ichangedmynameonce]

My daughter is in year 8 at a small state girls school.

She has always been happy and made friends easily, but since moving to secondary, she hasn't really made any friends the situation has rapidly deteriorated and she is incredibly unhappy.

She was the subject of some horrible remarks from other girls early this year.
We spoke to head of Year, who spoke to girls involved and it stopped. But now my daughter is left on her own and mostly ignored. She doesnt think theres a plan to ignore her, more that everyone is indifferent to her. They speak back to her briefly if she speaks to them.

I've been in touch again with head of year- I emailed her which she didnt respond to, then mailed her again after a week, again no response- so we phoned her and spoke to her. She doesn't seem to understand how unhappy DD is.

Head of year said she was "struggling " to suggest what school can do, but said she'd speak to DD last Monday. She did this, but with 2 other teachers who were eating their lunch in the room. She (according to DD) stressed that she has to go to school.

So, with the advice of an acquaintance who is a governor there, I've now emailed the deputy head who is apparently very hot on mental health and wellbeing and currently waiting for response.

I am sure we are on a path to school refusal unless something changes. Each morning and evening DD barely speaks,,cries about school and constantly asks "what's the point of going to be ignored for 7 hours?"

Just for context, she does outside activities which she loves and has lots of friends at. She has some friends in another form, but can only spend limited time with them and feels that if she keeps going into their class she is a bit of a hanger on.

She was so happy previously and we can see her changing before our eyes. I'm frightened that this is going to start to define her as she is so young. And that she will start to hate us and stop talking to us, as we are making her go.

She/ we have done all that they have so far suggested (join clubs, school play etc) but nothing changed.

Can I ask that she moves forms? It's a tiny school, all classrooms set up for a specific no. Of girls so doubt they can do this..

Would really welcome advice. Thank you

Leaving now for work but will read any responses later

Sorry , my post wasn’t clear. He moved class. Agree with Thisislegit - it only takes a few and the rest follow. In his old class he was mainly targeted by two ‘popular’ boys. Once the other kids in the class saw how they behaved towards my son, they all ostracised him in one way or another, even the nicer kids. We discussed what class he could move to with his head of year. There was a choice of two and we looked through the names to make sure he wasn’t going to move from one difficult class to another. He is secure and happy in his new class.

Interestingly we were also told no-one had ever swapped classes and they don’t mix classes until sixth form! The deputy told us it would all settle once they sorted out the hierarchy which is a bizarre idea - it’s not the jungle we’re talking about!

Anyhow good luck OP. Your poor DD - I hope it is soon sorted.

She did listen but said in her 10 years they haven't moved anyone.

As a former secondary teacher, I call bollocks on this. I think they are fobbing you off, OP. Be resolute and determined.

Thanks everyone. DD has gone in today to see deputy head- not optimistic that she will accurately articulate it all so I guess next step will be all of going in together.

Thanks @ThisAintLegit and @superness for sharing your experience. IMO she needs to move, before this impacts on her character and she begins to define herself as unpopular and unhappy and unable to make friends

Thanks @Titsflyingsouth

This resonates so deeply with me. I was that child and I was desperately unhappy for all of secondary school as a result. I'm in my 40's now and I still don't understand why my parents left me to be profoundly unhappy for six whole years, when they seemingly loved me and treated me well in every single other regard. I am still deeply affected by how unhappy and lonely I was from 11 to 17. I honestly believe it has affected my ability to make friends and relax in groups of people ever since, because I'm waiting for them to get bored of me or dislike me.

If you started a new job and 18 months in you were ignored by everybody in your office and hugely affected by it, would you stay in that job for another 5 years? Not in a billion years, right? You would change job. In fact, you'd have done it by the middle of the first year when you realised this is what that company and those colleagues are like.

You have time to fix it but you must be open minded and treat her position like you would an adult's. She has no control over the situation, but if she feels hugely unheard she might try to take control in harmful ways, or withdraw from you completely, or both.

Get her out of that form asap, and if she isn't happier by Easter, change schools. Don't be fobbed off by the school. You are her ONLY advocate, and she is so little, even if she is nearly as big as you now, and she is fully dependent on you to fix this for her. Can you afford an independent school? I would sooner home educate her than have her be so sad.

I’m so sorry, this must be really difficult for both you as well as your poor DD 💐

Speaking from my own experience, I was badly bullied in the early years of secondary school and as a result my mum requested that I change form as that would both take me away from the bullies and also put me into a class where I had friends. The school agreed and it was the best thing that could have happened to me. The bullies were no longer interested in me after that - out of sight and out of mind - and I flourished in my new class.

Please push to move your daughter in the first instance, the fact that she already has friends in the other form is a huge plus. If you change school she will have to start all over again and there is also no guarantee that she will make friends and/or have the same issues with feeling ignored and isolated.

I could have written your post op but my dd is now in year 9. We've filled in the transfer forms for a new school but there is a big backlog apparently and it could take weeks to even hear back. Year 9 is a terrible time to move as she's chosen her gcse subjects but I can't see her so sad every day

In my DCs school their were certainly a number of form changes throughoutthe years , this was an 8 form per year group but still . Is their a head of pastoral care?

I'd move schools. This one sounds awful. Do it in year 8 not year 9.

Hi OP. I echo what others have said. The school sound particularly unhelpful and are fobbing you off. Change form first ASAP and as @astoundedgoat says, if not better by Easter move schools.

It's so important that your DD knows you've got her back.

School don't sound like they care at all about her wellbeing.

Sorry I shudder at the “small school” description my poor sister had 5 years of hell at primary as there were no other friendship options bar her bully and her yes men. Girls need a nice deep friendship pool so if (when) it all goes to shit they have other options.

My year 8 has had friendship issues too - some really nasty exclusionary bullying last year where the delightful new “best friend” not only ditched her entirely from the friendship group but then spread insane rumours to ensure no one else would be friends with Dd2 either. Cue previously cheerful sunny child coming home in tears walking to school alone and sitting alone at lunch.

Girls state school too but huge. Because of th ifs Dd2 has rebuilt with an entirely new gang and is now centre of a large cool group. The vile girl who was so cruel is now desperate to join 🙄 and admitted her actions were because she was “bored”.

Anyway you need to either get her out of that form or out that of the school. Nows a good time actually before gcse options choices.

Unfortunately there are unkind children everywhere and some of them will be deeply unhappy too. They might be vile now but they often improve! They are not adults and often don’t behave as adults think they should.

We're all rooting for you and your DD, OP - please keep us posted!

It can be a very tough age for girls. Hence the saying “the worst year of a woman’s life is the year she is 13 the second worst is the year her daughter is13”. Even if your own kid isn’t hideous other peoples are…

Although an internal snigger at the suggestion to go private to avoid bullying!

Just wanted to echo everyone else here - do push for a form change and if they stonewall you, then start the process to moving to a new school. Your poor DD, I really feel for her. My DD starts secondary school this September and it would break my heart if this happened to her.

Hope it all works out for you

@MsTSwift

It can be a very tough age for girls. Hence the saying “the worst year of a woman’s life is the year she is 13 the second worst is the year her daughter is13”. Even if your own kid isn’t hideous other peoples are…

So true..

@MsTSwift

Although an internal snigger at the suggestion to go private to avoid bullying!

I have experience of both state and private schools for my kids, and of course I know there's bullying wherever you go.

My point was that with the budget for a private school then suddenly the pool of available alternatives for the OP's daughter becomes significantly larger, as well as potentially being a bit more flexible/swift for transferring in.

Where I am there are 4 state secondaries and 4 further private schools within striking distance. That's a lot of choice for a 13 year having a shit time where she is now.

Thanks so much everyone, its do helpful to hear we aren't being unreasonable in wanting to move her.

Am waiting for DD to tell us what deputy head said when she gets home.

If its unhelpful, we will formally request to her (deputy head) that DD is moved. School is small state voluntary aided - don't want to say too much detail as its outing.

Deputy head is ultimately responsible for pastoral care I think. If she says no, how do we push (as its voluntary aided) is ot writing to governors? If they say no thats the end of the road I guess?

But also, might be weeks or more before they meet and thats weeks of despair for DD.

Will feedback later tonight. Thank you so much, so helpful to hear all your comments and to know we aren't being hysterical.

*sorry for typos

I’m so sorry you’re all going through this. Some kids are just absolute bastards to others. My eldest was deeply unhappy in year 8. Her so-called friends abandoned her and left her on her own most of the time. Then lockdown hit and she didn’t have to go back to school for the rest of that year. The next year the classes changed and she made new friends and is now perfectly happy. If the school won’t let your dd move forms please do tell them in no uncertain terms that they have failed in their duty of care to your daughter and you will be moving her. They need to give her the chance to try another form. Bollocks to whether they’ve done it before or not, that’s irrelevant. It is a perfectly valid option.

Thank you @MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig good to hear the right terms to say, like duty of care.

If anyone else can advise on how to frame our request that would be great. Thank you

It can be a very tough age for girls. Hence the saying “the worst year of a woman’s life is the year she is 13 the second worst is the year her daughter is13”. Even if your own kid isn’t hideous other peoples are…

OMG, I am bracing myself. What happens at 13?