Year 8 Girl very unhappy - advice please

[Ichangedmynameonce]

My daughter is in year 8 at a small state girls school.

She has always been happy and made friends easily, but since moving to secondary, she hasn't really made any friends the situation has rapidly deteriorated and she is incredibly unhappy.

She was the subject of some horrible remarks from other girls early this year.
We spoke to head of Year, who spoke to girls involved and it stopped. But now my daughter is left on her own and mostly ignored. She doesnt think theres a plan to ignore her, more that everyone is indifferent to her. They speak back to her briefly if she speaks to them.

I've been in touch again with head of year- I emailed her which she didnt respond to, then mailed her again after a week, again no response- so we phoned her and spoke to her. She doesn't seem to understand how unhappy DD is.

Head of year said she was "struggling " to suggest what school can do, but said she'd speak to DD last Monday. She did this, but with 2 other teachers who were eating their lunch in the room. She (according to DD) stressed that she has to go to school.

So, with the advice of an acquaintance who is a governor there, I've now emailed the deputy head who is apparently very hot on mental health and wellbeing and currently waiting for response.

I am sure we are on a path to school refusal unless something changes. Each morning and evening DD barely speaks,,cries about school and constantly asks "what's the point of going to be ignored for 7 hours?"

Just for context, she does outside activities which she loves and has lots of friends at. She has some friends in another form, but can only spend limited time with them and feels that if she keeps going into their class she is a bit of a hanger on.

She was so happy previously and we can see her changing before our eyes. I'm frightened that this is going to start to define her as she is so young. And that she will start to hate us and stop talking to us, as we are making her go.

She/ we have done all that they have so far suggested (join clubs, school play etc) but nothing changed.

Can I ask that she moves forms? It's a tiny school, all classrooms set up for a specific no. Of girls so doubt they can do this..

Would really welcome advice. Thank you

Leaving now for work but will read any responses later

Hormones kick in / they want more independence but aren’t quite ready for it / they are finding their place socially and developmentally/ school work not too intense so lots of time for drama.

Even if your own child is ok other kids (so their peers) are a bloody nightmare!

Both of mine currently have a good friend who is in a stroppy huff for reasons they will not disclose 🙄

TBH 13 sounds late. My DD is 10 and her hormones are in full throttle, as are many of her friends'.

@MaitreKarlsson

TBH 13 sounds late. My DD is 10 and her hormones are in full throttle, as are many of her friends'.

DD us turned 12 and she can be sensitive and moody and rude with a short fuse at home. But no period yet, does the worst kick in once they get their period?

I have private messaged you.

this website may help notfineinschool.co.uk/

I'd definitely try moving classes first, you've nothing to lose. But then, what does your daughter want to do? If she wants to move schools, I'd do that while she's still quite young - if you can find a suitable school. The other option is home education, given you've said she has other friends and activities outside of school, but obviously this isn't an easy option.
My dd2 had similar and wanted to move schools in year 9, however the school she wanted to move to didn't have spaces (hardly any did) and I would have been reluctant to move her anyway, the situation could have become a lot worse. She didn't want to be home educated either. So she stayed at her school, and it was the right choice for her, the school is now an academy and she has a nice group of friends.

My DC's school mixes forms every two years as a matter of course and reserves the right to mix every year if they deem it necessary. I think it's an excellent policy as it enables them to break up toxic cliques/ controlling friendships, rebalance for personalities/ ability and ensure that everyone has a friend in their form. Have to say I'd love to be a fly on the wall in those discussions but the outcomes indicate that the teachers know the children very well. I do wonder why it's not a more common practice.

Really hope it works out for your DD, OP. If the form move isn't forthcoming I would definitely consider a school move.

Year 8 can be an issue with girls. They are beginning yo find their position in life. The two “top dogs” already have. The “wannabes” are following and the others are lost. We found gcse subjects altered this. Forms had less impotence. Who wax doing what subjects mattered more. Sets made a difference too.

My DD was really struggling in yr8. Low level bullying from boys mostly. Covid could not have come at a better time.
School rejigs forms in yr9 and it's been brilliant for her. Much much happier.
My DSC (good few years older) also commented that their experience at school improved hugely from yr9.

No advice really as you’ve been given some good pointers but just wanted to wish you well. I have a DD the same age and it can be so difficult at this age. Breaks my heart to think of the other girls being indifferent to your DD - I’m sure she has so much to offer. I really hope things turn around quickly. Very best of luck

I was this girl. It didn’t get better and I moved in year 10. Really hope your DD is ok.

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate all the messages, bit of a hectic afternoon so I haven't had chance to reply yet.

Deputy head is going to move the seating plans for all lessons and speak to some girls who there was some unpleasantness with earlier in year. Not sure about the second bit, as I thought that had all passed.

To be honest DD came home pleased. She felt like the woman listened and cared so that's a good start. We are so shattered from this (and work, and 2 other DC, like everyone else!) so going to sleep on it and see how we feel over weekend.

I think we will give the new seating a chance for a week and then get back asking to move her.

Thanks everyone, so much

I’d be pushing heavily for her to change forms. Hope that will help things for her

I had similar. Moved schools and was so much happier.

@Ichangedmynameonce
I would give the seating a chance. If 2 girls are the problem, it could mean 25 others might be ok. They have also been spoken to so some DC might now understand that it’s not ok to isolate a someone.,Definitely review how she gets on.

Also We found it can turn on a sixpence as well. A happy confident girl can suddenly turn miserable over the course of a week and a sad girl finds two new pals in French one Tuesday. and is suddenly happy again. Leaving the parent a wreck!

Also this generation seem to tell us stuff which is lovely but then it’s on our shoulders! My mother was blissfully unaware of my teen friendship issues she would have told people if asked I was fine when I was crying myself to sleep as my best friend had turned (temporarily) against me. Honestly it’s a developmental stage but flipping tough on parents!

If it was me I would let her not go in for a few days. Attendance is a big issue for most schools at the moment and they are more likely to do something if they are motivated. Being this unhappy at her age could cause life long issues.

That sounds a little more positive. I would say that it is hard as a parent to see all this happening and want immediate action (I have two teen/tweens going through similar) but it also can change quickly. Their emotions are all over the place and a small fall out can seem massive and they are miserable, then they have a lovely time the next day with someone new and it's all ok again. That's why schools are reluctant to take immediate action of swapping forms as it doesn't necessarily solve the underlying issue.

Also, you will need to bear in mind that the majority of staff you are speaking to have teaching committments or may be covering classes etc so you won't receive immediate responses. Most schools have a policy of needing to reply within 48 hours. This doesn't mean they are ignoring you but it's not realistic to expect a same day response.
I know it's difficult to stand back, but you are doing what you can and you just need to keep supporting your daughter at home as well. It's important that she learns to advocate for herself so perhaps practising explaining what is happening can set her up for a more informed conversation with the deputy if needs be. It does sound positive that she feels heard. Sometimes that is enough to begin to change her mindset and she'll see it's not everyone who is against her.
Hope it improves, it's such a difficult time anyway and I think Covid has really affected their social abilities and resilience to deal with these situations.

I also moved classes in year 8 and was much happier.

I would get her to another school. I look back at girl at my all small state girls schools who was bullied - the majority of the bullying was just pure ostracism. It’s apparently a phenomenon with girls. I’m sure that going through every day being excluded was hell. I feel desperately sad for her and wish I hadn’t been part of it. Teachers can’t make children be friends with each other.

Thanks everyone.

Just to clarify, we don't consider this a normal blip in usual friendships. This has been going on for months and deteriorating rapidly recently. We have an older DC and understand the normal ups and downs, this isn't that.

I'm hacked off today- having reread her email, they are proposing moving seat plans after Easter- which leaves another 2 weeks of massive unhappiness.

I'm happy to try moving, which they have actually tried already, in case it helps. I'm not happy to wait 2 weeks though.

Honestly I would start looking around at other schools OP.

@Ichangedmynameonce
What does your DD think about the next 2 weeks?

Move schools if your daughter has no other underlying difficulties. I was very like your daughter, but didn’t move schools because moving to another school a mile away would not have helped. It turned out I had undiagnosed high functioning autism.

Change school or forms at least. The same happened to my DD for years and she was suicidal by y11. I wished I’d sorted it sooner by moving her.