Year 8 Girl very unhappy - advice please

[Ichangedmynameonce]

My daughter is in year 8 at a small state girls school.

She has always been happy and made friends easily, but since moving to secondary, she hasn't really made any friends the situation has rapidly deteriorated and she is incredibly unhappy.

She was the subject of some horrible remarks from other girls early this year.
We spoke to head of Year, who spoke to girls involved and it stopped. But now my daughter is left on her own and mostly ignored. She doesnt think theres a plan to ignore her, more that everyone is indifferent to her. They speak back to her briefly if she speaks to them.

I've been in touch again with head of year- I emailed her which she didnt respond to, then mailed her again after a week, again no response- so we phoned her and spoke to her. She doesn't seem to understand how unhappy DD is.

Head of year said she was "struggling " to suggest what school can do, but said she'd speak to DD last Monday. She did this, but with 2 other teachers who were eating their lunch in the room. She (according to DD) stressed that she has to go to school.

So, with the advice of an acquaintance who is a governor there, I've now emailed the deputy head who is apparently very hot on mental health and wellbeing and currently waiting for response.

I am sure we are on a path to school refusal unless something changes. Each morning and evening DD barely speaks,,cries about school and constantly asks "what's the point of going to be ignored for 7 hours?"

Just for context, she does outside activities which she loves and has lots of friends at. She has some friends in another form, but can only spend limited time with them and feels that if she keeps going into their class she is a bit of a hanger on.

She was so happy previously and we can see her changing before our eyes. I'm frightened that this is going to start to define her as she is so young. And that she will start to hate us and stop talking to us, as we are making her go.

She/ we have done all that they have so far suggested (join clubs, school play etc) but nothing changed.

Can I ask that she moves forms? It's a tiny school, all classrooms set up for a specific no. Of girls so doubt they can do this..

Would really welcome advice. Thank you

Leaving now for work but will read any responses later

I would also try moving her to a completely new school. Not least because at my old school, we stayed in sane form the whole way up and I think we would have looked suspiciously upon a form change child… as though there were something wrong (which clearly there is, even tho no fault of your DD!)

Anyhow, realise you want to try the form switch first. I think waiting until after Easter is quite sensible. Girls come back, don’t immediately notice changes perhaps. Or the switch could be explained as an admin move linked to the new term etc…

Thank you.
We haven't formally requested to move her yet but I was told by deputy head very firmly today that they do not and will not do that.

Not sure where there is to go internally, if deputy head says that. Is there a formal process to request it? (Small school, state, voluntary aided).

Thank you

My child's school was the same about moving class. You could go down the road of the anti-bullying policy but it's not straightforward: a child being miserable isn't enough it seems and the decisions still lie with senior management.

Is it a religious school?

@Ichangedmynameonce
The Complaints Procedure. However that will back SLT. They will argue moving class will set a precedent and other remedies must be tried. So that would be seating arrangements, talking to DC etc.

If they do not work through the procedures in the bullying policy (or behaviour policy) then that is also a reason to complain officially. Does the bullying policy articulate strategies for eliminating the bullying? My guess would be moving class is not one of them.

How is DD doing? Does she want to change schools or see how it pans out at this school?

It also makes a difference when groups are mixed for GCSEs. Is she Arrington these in y9 or y10?

In a very similar situation (also mid-Y8) we moved DD to another school when it was clear the ostracism was not a blip, and the school had few ideas to offer by way of support. We arranged the transfer at around this time of year and she started the summer term of Y8 in the new school.

The move was almost instantly transformative; she made friends easily in the new school and has been really happy there. DD now says the most important thing was that we listened to her and got her out of the toxic environment.

I do think it’s very difficult for a school to change this type of behaviour. These DDs just have not gelled. The school cannot make them and won’t change forms. So the obvious remedy is denied, I suspect, due to precedent reasons. I agree there would be time to change now for after Easter if DD wants to start again.

I’ve got to say the pastoral care sounds completely shit! What have they actually done so far to make your dd feel happier at school? Sweet FA as far as I can see.

Are their any lunchtime or after school clubs she can join where she mixes with kids from other classes/ year groups?

It's obvious the DHT is not taking your concerns seriously. You can usually make a formal complaint, the process is usually published on the school website. If you have exhausted that, move your daughter to another school.

I'm sorry your poor dd (and you) are going through such a tough time. I'm really struggling to understand why they can't implement the change in seating plan immediately - surely the logical thing would be to do that now and see if things improve for the next couple of weeks and then look to move class or take more drastic action after Easter? I'm afraid the way the school seem to be handling this comes across as slack - they should be working with you to make things better for your dd as quickly as possible - it just doesn't sound like they are at all. I think I'd be upping the ante a bit in your situation.

Hi. I'm sorry your daughter is unhappy, my daughter had very similar issues. She eventually moved schools not actually because of these issues, but because she got a space off the waiting list of a school she'd been on the waiting list for for some time. However, the issues were the reason I was able to persuade her to take the place offered. It was the best thing she ever did. She is so much happier. I know you said you did not want to move schools but it might be worth considering, although it will only work if your daughter is willing to (or can be persuaded to) move. I hope everything gets better whatever you decide to do, as I know it is very upsetting seeing your daughter unhappy.

As far as I'm aware (I used to be a school governor), there's no formal process to request a change of class and the decision rests with the school's senior management. So if the deputy head has made it clear that they will not consider it, I think your next step is to start looking at other schools.

A long time ago, but the girl that became my best friend (and we are still close friends decades later) was moved into my form in the 1st Year of Secondary. Our school was big enough that I didn't know who she was or why she was moved. She told me later that she was being relentlessly bullied - by girls - and then accused of stealing a yogurt 🙄 which she didn't do but was used as an excuse by the girls in her class to make her life a misery.

She was very happy in my class and we all really liked her and she made plenty of friends (female and male).

I would try moving her into another class but be ready to switch schools entirely if that doesn't work. I have never experienced that level of social exclusion/bullying but many people have their sense of self destroyed right into adulthood. I wouldn't hesitate in taking her out, especially if the staff just don't seem to give a shit.

Sorry missed the update. Just take her out OP our children's mental health is always the priority as everything else hinges on it.

Leadership team doesn't seem co-operative at all. Start looking at other schools now.

Initially I was in favour of you keeping her in the school if she could switch classes but seems like the staff won't support that.

If she has friends in the other class she is obviously capable of making friends. So the problem is she doesn't gel with her current class. As the school won't move her, you'll have to.

OP I'd take steps to move schools now. I work in one and if we had a student in that situation there'd be no question about them changing forms immediately if that's what they wanted.
As PP has said, the pastoral care sounds dreadful so I wouldn't expect much real support from them.
Move her now as once in Year 9 it's a lot more tricky. Where do her extra-curricular friends go to school - would that be an option?

What age do they do GCSEs? Just a thought, but the classes get mixed up a lot then anyway, and she could be spending most lessons with her friends, and just tutor time with the mean girls. If they start GCSEs in year 9, this wouldn't be long to go until the change, if year 10, it would probably be best to look for a new school now. Obviously, a lot depends on what your daughter wants to do.

@PacificOcean
The OP would have to consider complaining about the school not resolving her DD being bullied by other pupils not talking to her. This is difficult to prove but if there is evidence and the school doesn’t take steps to resolve the issue in line with their policies, then that’s the basis of a complaint. You are unlikely to win a complaint about an action you have requested. This is why the op should read the bullying/behaviour policy and base any complaint on non resolution of bullying. Who on earth would want to stay in such a school afterwards though?

My dd was desperately lonely and seriously depressed in year 7. Lockdown was a blessing for her as she didn’t have to go to school. Things improved a bit in year 8 but now in year 9 she has fallen out with the few friends she has and has resigned herself to having no friends at school. She says she has people to talk to but no friends. I wish I had moved her earlier but now I don’t want to disrupt GCSEs.

Well done for doing such great advocacy for your dd. You’re a great mum.

Personally I would move schools if there are any at all decent options. We actually moved our dd as she just didn’t fit it with the girls at her old school and she is soooo much happier at her new school. But it depends what’s available obviously.

The teacher saying they hadn’t moved anyone in ten years is a bit red flaggy maybe. Every school has bullying sometimes, so if the school don’t move kids around what do they do? Anyway look seriously at other schools and remember the school is not in charge of your daughter’s education, you are. If you decide for example that she needs a period of home education for her wellbeing, followed by a different school, that might be an option.

Agree with TizerorFizz. Start looking to move; the complaints procedure will probably take ages (it should have a timescale on it/the policy). Also consider commenting on Ofsted's ParentView.

Thanks everyone. Yes, its a religious school and GCSEs don't start til year 10, though some lessons mix up from year 9.

2 other schools nearby. One is definitely full (I checked) and the other likely to be- will check Friday.

Its exhausting for everyone but most of all her. Has occured to me that I'm slightly in shock at the schools response which feels unsupportive.

I looked at the Behaviour/Bullying policy at a school near me. This intransigence about not moving classes intrigued me. This school has a resolution process where DC are talked to and modified behaviour is expected. The results of the agreed behaviour changes are monitored. So the staff check on both bullied DC and the ones who are ostracising. What is happening to your DD is bullying by this school’s definition. It’s systematic emotional abuse and is occurring over a prolonged period of time. At this school, crucially, if the resolution methods don’t work, they will move DC to another class.

I would be confident other schools in this area have similar policies. I think your SLT should be called out and they are definitely not dealing with bullying.

As I said before, you cannot make DC be friends with each other but the school needs to be more proactive regarding a resolution. Are they monitoring the outcome of talks to pupils? What do they think success looks like? How will they know the bullying has stopped? What does their bullying policy say regarding how they resolve such issues and are they following it?

yes absolutely push for her form change done many times at my daughter school I would think they would or should be quite open to that

@Stopsnowing

What a nightmare. OP, I was in your dd’s position. I was MISERABLE. My DM didn’t want me to move from the academic all-girls school (and didn’t do anything about speaking to the school). I moved after year 11 after insisting and my life changed over night. I had a series of mental health issues and honestly my life re-started when I got out of that school. I wonder if the seating plan change is enough or if a fresh start in a new school would be better (I know you say they are full, is there any way round that?).