Year 8 Girl very unhappy - advice please

[Ichangedmynameonce]

My daughter is in year 8 at a small state girls school.

She has always been happy and made friends easily, but since moving to secondary, she hasn't really made any friends the situation has rapidly deteriorated and she is incredibly unhappy.

She was the subject of some horrible remarks from other girls early this year.
We spoke to head of Year, who spoke to girls involved and it stopped. But now my daughter is left on her own and mostly ignored. She doesnt think theres a plan to ignore her, more that everyone is indifferent to her. They speak back to her briefly if she speaks to them.

I've been in touch again with head of year- I emailed her which she didnt respond to, then mailed her again after a week, again no response- so we phoned her and spoke to her. She doesn't seem to understand how unhappy DD is.

Head of year said she was "struggling " to suggest what school can do, but said she'd speak to DD last Monday. She did this, but with 2 other teachers who were eating their lunch in the room. She (according to DD) stressed that she has to go to school.

So, with the advice of an acquaintance who is a governor there, I've now emailed the deputy head who is apparently very hot on mental health and wellbeing and currently waiting for response.

I am sure we are on a path to school refusal unless something changes. Each morning and evening DD barely speaks,,cries about school and constantly asks "what's the point of going to be ignored for 7 hours?"

Just for context, she does outside activities which she loves and has lots of friends at. She has some friends in another form, but can only spend limited time with them and feels that if she keeps going into their class she is a bit of a hanger on.

She was so happy previously and we can see her changing before our eyes. I'm frightened that this is going to start to define her as she is so young. And that she will start to hate us and stop talking to us, as we are making her go.

She/ we have done all that they have so far suggested (join clubs, school play etc) but nothing changed.

Can I ask that she moves forms? It's a tiny school, all classrooms set up for a specific no. Of girls so doubt they can do this..

Would really welcome advice. Thank you

Leaving now for work but will read any responses later

Can't help you but didn't want to read and run. I really feel for you and your daughter - I think you are right to try and catch this before it escalates further. In our experience tiny schools can be tricky for friendship groups. We moved our DC and DS to much larger schools for different reasons but an unexpected bonus was the friendships groups - it's much easier to find your tribe in a bigger environment and inevitable tensions can be skirted / don't seem to have the same impact. If a fresh start an option? Big hugs. It's horrible worrying about a DC.

I agree with peoniesarejustperfect. Small schools seem great to us as adults, and I'm sure the teacher:child ratio is enviable, but there are things to be said for larger schools. I think you should start researching alternatives in case they won't change her form (or in case that doesn't help).

You should absolutely push for a form change if dd already has friends in that form or consider moving schools.
Form changes are done regularly in larger schools btw.

Thank you everyone. We chose a small school thinking it would feel more secure etc and not really considering the smaller pool to choose from, as she always found this stuff so easy.

Will hopefully speak to deputy head and request form change

Yes to form change! You're not alone, wishing you and your daughter all the best - these things are so tough.

Good luck to your DD. If they won't consider a form change, I'd look at switching school.

Really appreciate all these responses- am beginning to think DH and me are going a bit mad with it all so really helpful to hear from others. Thank you

Can you move her to a bigger school?

I'm hoping we can resolve the issues in school before it comes to that

Fingers crossed for you. Hope deputy head comes up trumps.

Thank you. Struggling to believe they are listening really- mailed head of year minday with a direct 'what Can we do now', no response.

Mailed deputy head yesterday, no response yet so left answerphone message an hour ago.

You may or may not want to read my experience with similar to this. My daughter had the same experience when she was at the beginning of year 8. We did all of what you mentioned, and stuck with it as we were unsure if moving school would be more beneficial or whether she would be in the same situation at a different school that she didn't know. She was subject to some horrible remarks, and some periods of being ignored/ isolated.
We still stuck with the same school. My daughter also did outside activities and had various friends outside of school.

Anyway, my daughter is now in first year uni and she will tell me how desperately unhappy she was and that she hated school. She did well and got excellent grades which has given her good grounds for her uni and her future BUT I feel sometimes that I should've moved her to a different school. Her experience of secondary school was awful and she was clearly more unhappy than she let on at the time. She doesn't hate me for keeping her at that school and she understands why I did, but that doesn't stop me feeling incredibly guilty.

Maybe try and talk with your daughter and give her some options which may include moving forms to start with, then perhaps moving to another school if it carries on?

Good luck, but just keep the dialogue open x

Was she at a girls school before? Because she may have found friends easy to make at primary because there was a mixed friendship group.

I moved from mixed to single sex at 13 and found it impossible to make friends there. Just had nothing in common with the "all-girls" mentality or "girl-power" groups. It never really resolved.

I made great friends at uni in a mixed sex friendship group. The dynamic is completely different.

Yes to changing form (we did this for my DD). Very best of luck x

I think you have met with a wall. Schools don’t like DC changing forms in case others ask for the same. Not returning calls and not talking to you is a big red flag. If your DD is not in a friendship group, this won’t change. So either change forms, if allowed, or change schools. You need this resolved before Easter so you can apply elsewhere.

Have you tried speaking to the SENCO?

I wouldn't bother with e-mails - try and sort out a meeting or at least a call.

Do you think your daughter has been unlucky with the girls in her class ie will changing form realistically be better? I had various issues with one of mine who in the end didn't like her own form but also didn't want to move form at the point she could have done as she thought she'd been seen as a bit weird and not fit in there. Your DD might be new enough in the school for that not to be an issue though.

If your daughter is still Y8, they're unlikely to juggle the teaching groups must next year either though it does change quite a lot once they're in Y10.

It's really hard - I think I wish I'd moved mine but I'm not sure whether the issues were simply bad luck or partly that she found being with her peers at that stage tricky anyway and might have had the same issue had she moved............ but if she moved and hadn't settled, would she have been worse because she'd have thought the problem was with her rather than with the specific form. Then again, I kept saying to her that the next year would probably be better and it never really was.

Thanks @sleepingbeauty100154 for sharing your experience and also @justonemorenamechange and @GU24Mum

We spoke to deputy head this afternoon. She did listen but said in her 10 years they haven't moved anyone. Shes going to meet with DD tomorrow and hear it from her.

I actually think (given they were in lockdown a term of year 7) that it would be ok if she moved forms. I think she would be happier. She seems to have some pretty unpleasant and dominant girls in her class calling the shots- she doesnt want to be in these groups.

I don't want her to move. But I also don't know how long we should continue like this.

Thanks all

They clearly have a policy of not changing forms. Do they do 2 or 3 year GCSEs? 3 would mean changes in Sept anyway. I would see what spaces are available in other schools.

How many forms are in the year group? Is there any reason to believe another class would be better, e.g. the girls in her class are particularly difficult or challenging?

Is it a local school where you might overlap at clubs such as scouts or GG? Is it very different to her primary school in terms of intake or ethos?

I'd think carefully about moving classes unless you feel you understand why this class isn't working. It may be that this school doesn't suit her for some reason: a change of class might actually erode confidence even more when a change of school might be better.

Surprising there have been no moves in ten years! Perhaps there should have been. We moved our son, six months into year seven due to low level bullying. The school were reluctant to move him so we gave it time but things didn’t improve. The difference it made to his happiness at school was almost immediate and he has continued to flourish.

I did the same as @Superness with one of my lot, whose school coincidentally also had a deputy head who overdosed on positivity and wellbeing. What that actually meant was the wellbeing of the difficult children who had troubled lives apparently and therefore got a massive pass from being civil to others. I am as sympathetic as the next person but not when these few kids make the rest feel bad - it only takes a few and the rest follow. I got the same "it doesn't happen here" nonsense.
Good luck OP.

I'm in the same position OP. We've done the form change but she's still very unsettled and isolated. Ive filled in the transfer forms but like you, I feel it would be difficult to make friends in a new school too, so not sure if I'm just moving one problem to another. School have been great but it's taken a lot of pushing to get to this point. I know my daughter is very unhappy, so we've agreed a plan to give things ago for another 4 weeks (with the school implementing changes), and if no change we will then move.

Thanks @Superness did your son move schools or forms?

I think she will be happy in one specific other class, as she has some friends there already.

In her current class, there are 2 top dogs- they seem to direct everything and they frankly aren't very nice.

Surprised there haven't been any moves before. I would push for it - there's a first time for everything after all.

I would also look at alternative school in case they won't do that.

Do they mix the classes up each September? Were they planning to mix the classes up for year 9?