Private Schools- worth it?

[SparkyPants]

My dad is coming to the end of yr7 in a local senior school.
It's not been great (shitty year accounted for- still not great)
As with many, we've seen a Massive shift in personality, drive, ambition and desire to engage.
We've done our sims and can send her to a local private school.
I'm looking for people's experiences and perspectives please!?

There is a horrific endemic of mental health issues at our local all girls with a room put aside so girls can self harm safely. I was on a zoom conference last week about teen anxiety and the specialist said that the addition of boys to an environment seems to partially temper the self harm/E. disorder plague. Not that it isn’t apparent in co-ed, just that there is more in all girls.

@Bryonyshcmyony
Our local comp, perhaps unusually, had the most incredible pastoral care, completely ‘tailored’ as you put it,with a school counsellor, fabulous full time supportive staff as well as a pastoral lead in each year who gets heavily involved. You will find pastoral care is down to individual schools not genre of school and often down to the headteacher’s influence. I have seen good and bad in both private and state so I am afraid it is much more nuanced than you claim in your post that a state schooling have bad pastoral care.

Bizarre dramatic comment! Of course I don’t “hate” others peoples children. What a teenage response.

Absolutely Hoopa my own dds state school pastoral is not great the slightly scruffier comp in the next town has an excellent team. So it’s school by school.

@Hoopa

There is a horrific endemic of mental health issues at our local all girls with a room put aside so girls can self harm safely. I was on a zoom conference last week about teen anxiety and the specialist said that the addition of boys to an environment seems to partially temper the self harm/E. disorder plague. Not that it isn’t apparent in co-ed, just that there is more in all girls.

That sounds very bizarre (the self harm room)

@MsTSwift

Bizarre dramatic comment! Of course I don’t “hate” others peoples children. What a teenage response.

You were very happy to say how much you didn't like your dcs private school friends which I found extremely teenage so touché!

And if you read my comment properly I didn't say you hated other people's children.

@Hoopa

There is a horrific endemic of mental health issues at our local all girls with a room put aside so girls can self harm safely. I was on a zoom conference last week about teen anxiety and the specialist said that the addition of boys to an environment seems to partially temper the self harm/E. disorder plague. Not that it isn’t apparent in co-ed, just that there is more in all girls.

This school if it even exists would be going against all safeguarding for schools guidelines!

Boys don't make teen girls less anxious. What a misogynistic attitude.

It completely exsists! And it is their way of trying to make sure girls can come and seek professional help for a compulsive and addictive behaviour supported by professionals. It is a very academic school and some girls erupt like volcanoes with the pressure.

@Hoopa

It completely exsists! And it is their way of trying to make sure girls can come and seek professional help for a compulsive and addictive behaviour supported by professionals. It is a very academic school and some girls erupt like volcanoes with the pressure.

OK fair enough.

I should imagine longer days and smaller class sizes make it easier for teachers to pick up any issues. If you are only at school from 8.30 to 2.30 (our local state) and in a class of 32 and barely seeing the same teacher twice a week it must be much easier to self harm at home without anyone noticing at school.

I said that this professional’s opinion was that the presence of boys somehow seems to distil the anxiety levels of an all girls atmosphere. I think the data would back this up.
As a parent of DD’s at a coed my nuance to add to this would be that it brings other issues - low level genderised taunting, wanting to wear make up, not concentrating so much on lessons. But for me as a parent these things worried me less, having been that overly anxious academic girl with an eating disorder myself I didn’t want my DD’s in an environment that might perpetuate things I suffered with. Horses for courses.

@Bryonyshcmyony
I think you are showing up an extreme ignorance of girls mental health. Girls will self harm anywhere - school toilets, boarding dorm, school bus, whilst videoing themselves, in a field. School day does not play a part in this at all, what utter nonsense!

@Hoopa

I said that this professional’s opinion was that the presence of boys somehow seems to distil the anxiety levels of an all girls atmosphere. I think the data would back this up. As a parent of DD’s at a coed my nuance to add to this would be that it brings other issues - low level genderised taunting, wanting to wear make up, not concentrating so much on lessons. But for me as a parent these things worried me less, having been that overly anxious academic girl with an eating disorder myself I didn’t want my DD’s in an environment that might perpetuate things I suffered with. Horses for courses.

Yes our own experiences colour our choices. I was a nerdy girl in a mixed comp who got her bum pinched in the dinner queue and boys dominated all the classes. So I wanted a place where my dd could be herself without worrying about make up to lessons and be able to be excellent and interested in science without boys dominating. Sadly when we did try the local state the disruptive boys were front and centre so off she went to all girls where she's happy slopping around in trackies with no make up and doing well academically

addition of boys to an environment seems to partially temper the self harm/E. disorder plague

Everyone’s invited. I’m not sure what’s worse.

@Bryonyshcmyony
That sounds horrible. Sounds like you made the best choice based on horrible memories, which I did in reverse to you. I was at all girls. I didn’t cope well when I entered the real world and discovered those boys who were almost men by then. How are you prepping them for the inevitable at Uni/ work place? Sadly these arse wipes don’t disappear at 18.

@SpaceRaiders
A huge number of the girls posting on EI and many of the schools mentioned as hosting perpetrators were single sex. I think was EI showed us was that whilst we are worried about our teens encountering stranger danger on their phones they are more worried about those they know. And that they all go to the same parties whichever school they go to - Single sex or coed - and face the same issues. Not many of these incidents happened in school. Parties and phones.

It really depends on the child.

My sibling and I both started from age 4 in private schools.

By age 9, it was very clear that my sibling was not thriving. It was too much pressure, and overall they were very very unhappy. It was a hard decision for my parents to remove them but it was the best decision.

They absolutely thrived in a state school - performed brilliantly in all exams and have an incredible and unique career.

I stayed because it was right for me; I truthfully don't think I would have worked hard without that environment. BUT socially it was very very hard. I didn't really fit in with the private school gang (not a wealth disparity, it was just so so clique-y and competitive) and I have absolutely no friends from school now in adult life.

But, I have a great career! Would I change it? Probably not, but I was a very unhappy teenager in that school.

You need to really think about the type of private school, the personality of your kids. It's not one size fits all xx

It's perfectly possible to get excellent grades from the state system, as previous posters have stated. In fact, I'm a straight A product of a sink comp. Parents saved thousands but I was unhappy and simply not a priority in a school full of kids needing more attention that I did. I have no friends from my school years.
I think the private experience is much more than results. It's the culture and the opportunities. As a bright girl in a comp I was bullied relentlessly. And whilst I fully accept there is bullying in the private system, the schools are much more set up to listen to concerns and to generate an appropriate learning culture. I have no regrets in gifting that experience to my children.

I think the most anyone can learn from this thread is that it is a draw between state and private, a very personal decision and that happy thriving adults can be produced from either sector.

My DS went to a private school for years 5 & 6. I moved him as his primary school went into special measures.

I and he mostly loved the school, small classes, amazing sports facilities and trips. But there was also more pressure eg suddenly he had so much homework, and it felt like he wasn't allowed to be a child.

As a state educated kid myself I found some of it a bit much, I felt that all the luxuries meant my kid missed out on a sense of what life is really like.

I wanted him to go to the same grammar school as his older brother, but he just missed out. He got into our local state school instead. I fretted long abd hard over whether to send him there or to another private school.

We went state and I found year 7 very tough, it wasn't cool to learn etc. Some of the behaviour I heard about really worried me. But by year 9 he's doing really well. I think he'll get the same grades he would have got in private school. I like it that he's exposed to a wide demographic of kids. He loves it that all his school friends live locally. And I've saved loads of money.

@Hoopa

I think the most anyone can learn from this thread is that it is a draw between state and private, a very personal decision and that happy thriving adults can be produced from either sector.

Totally agree.

I went to private school, in general it’s very hard to compare to schooling today. My school had/still has an excellent academic education. I loved my time there and I would like similar for my children. That said, I recognise what other posters on this thread have said about the school attracting the kind of children who would do well anywhere. In hindsight, I was not one of these children and never had any support in improving my grades or looking into why I was underperforming. I was an awkward teen and I didn’t take the opportunities I could have been offered by my school. I regret that now but it’s just the reality at the time. Academically, my DC currently in a very pushy state, year 6 is doing work I was covering at gcse. He’s about to go to state secondary and it’s really worrying me. I am terrified we’ve made the wrong decision but it’s the school he wants to go to and it has an excellent reputation. We’ve just not been able to look at it so I have no idea if it’s the right fit for him. We looked at our local private school and it was lovely, but I don’t think it was any more academic than the state school, if anything it was less academic. So, for us, we’re going to save our money and try state. If it’s not working though, I think it’s definitely worth looking at private, if you can afford it of course. Have found this thread quite an interesting read at a time when these issues are on my mind so thanks for posting!

@YellowSunshineSky
For some reason on mumsnet the fact that you have saved lots of money is seen as a negative.

Presumably it is better to live in constant threat of bankruptcy to make sure your child receives a private education that might or might not affect their ability to earn well.
People also think that you will be spending it on luxuries, holidays and shoes (not charity, pension, to pass on to your children for their post 18 lives!)

Your son sounds terrific by the way. Well done him. X

[quote Hoopa]@Bryonyshcmyony
That sounds horrible. Sounds like you made the best choice based on horrible memories, which I did in reverse to you. I was at all girls. I didn’t cope well when I entered the real world and discovered those boys who were almost men by then. How are you prepping them for the inevitable at Uni/ work place? Sadly these arse wipes don’t disappear at 18.[/quote]
They socialise with a local boys school and know local boys from their time at state primary (who are nicer than some of the private school boys tbh). We have lots of sons friends around as well so I'm not worried