Missed out on entry to grammar & independent secondaries in London

[cantstopstressing]

Posting slightly in desperation. DS is 10 and we are mid way through applying to a number of grammar and independent schools in North London for admission next year. DS is bright (top set in both Maths & English) at an outstanding state primary and hardworking. We tutored for 18 months in advance of the exams. He did 2 grammar schools in North London and didn't get into top 650 (Latymer) or top 350 for the other one. He has done a couple of independents but we are not hopeful as one was a CEM select test and the timing was extremely aggressive and the other (also a super selective school with 800+ applicants for 75 places) was also very tough and he didn't write much in the creative writing section of the English paper so I am not hopeful that he will get offers from those either.

I guess I am wondering where we (or I) went wrong. Maybe I misjudged how academic he is plus I think, on reflection, doing 2 hours a week with a tutor and past papers up until the last few months where he was doing 5-6 hours per week, simply wasn't enough. I am aware there are kids doing a couple of hours each day. I feel like I have let him down as I don't believe he will get any offers from the schools we applied to and will face a number of rejections which will knock his confidence. As I said, he is top of his class and, although I know there is a huge gap between being good at a state primary and what independent schools will teach, I guess I am still surprised and disappointed that none of these schools are an option for him. Why is it a clever boy can't get a place at decent indie in London?

DS went to Latymer (also got scholarships to local indies) and I bitterly regret it.
They take supersmart kids and - surprise! - churn out supersmart kids.
There is no commitment to the child or responsibility felt towards them - they Chuck out the chaff after GCSEs, even those who are diagnosed with with learning disabilities after getting a place.

I think parents have a tendency to over estimate their children's abilities.
Being in the top set doesn't say much as the bar is low. :(
I think that kids who get into a fast paced, high achieving school (eg. King's, City, st paul's,...) by having been tutored massively will have a hard time. At least this is what I'm seeing.
These schools really skim the absolute top. And once the kid is in and can't naturally keep up s/he will need a lot of tutoring/extra work to keep up.
Are you sure that that's in your kid's best interest?
As for rejection: I really feel for your son. Rejection is never a good feeling, regardless how old you are. I would say though that if you can keep it lighthearted and not over stress it might be better. If he has done everything to the best of his abilities he should be proud of himself.
And I don't think you've failed him in any respect. You have done your best, spent time/effort/money to make sure that his chances are the best that can be. It's easy to beat ourselves up in hindsight.... but not worth it

Life is full of failure and rejection, we all need to get used to it. Proves you haven't tried much if you haven't failed and been rejected.

TW2013: I think you're right. Also there is parental pressure put on many kids to always be in the top of the top set of everything. Top set at a top grammar which is already in the top 3%. My DS doesn't have any tutors and I feel he is doing well and he is in the top sets, but in maths he finds it very annoying because many of the students have already learned the course work with their tutors before it has been taught, so then the teacher glosses over it thinking everyone is ahead, so the child without a tutor ( my son and a few others) are then playing catch up in a way. As a parent, I find this annoying as well. It should be taught in lessons and children should be given the chance to fail and figure it out. We can obviously encourage our children to reach their potential, but equally we should trust them to do this as well. When my son doesn't do as well on a test, it really is on him to figure it out and he usually wants to. But constantly tutoring isn't a great way for kids to develop their own good study habits and grasp of their own knowledge. They need to start figuring this out during Secondary School. Otherwise, how will they cope at university and beyond. You can't be tutored for life.

But, I do think kids who have come from small prep environments can struggle in state settings because of the number of kids. They have to be self-starters.

@Stokey what did you decide in the end? Did you go with Latymer? There will be people close to you who go.