Boarding school mums - how do you cope?

[thekidstaxi]

Mums with DC at boarding school, how do you cope with your emotions? Do you feel you experience feelings of loss or loneliness?
With the looming realisation my baby will be spending more time at school than home I am starting to worry how I will manage. I am a single mum and we are very close. It was dd's choice to board & had very legitimate reasoning for doing so.
I do work and will be doing further study but I don't think it will fill the inevitable void.
Please tell me how you get through without self medicating with copious amounts of gin!

It is the hardest thing in the world. Well it isn't but it feels like it. You probably won't get any sympathy on here. People will be like 'Why have children if you are going to send them away' etc etc etc.

Mine board due to so many reasons and it really breaks my heart daily. They love it though. It works for us and them. Well everyone in the family except me really.

There are upsides though. I love not having to force them out of bed in the morning out into the cold and dark. I love not having to make them do homework. I love not having to cook dinner every night.

Please PM me, I would love to be able to help you through it. It is a tough one.

Also prozac and white wine...........

I wouldn't send her to board whether she likes it or not. X

Thanks @Banya400 ( I will dm you) & @Edtea. I know I'm going to struggle with it. It appears no one talks about the impact it has on parents, other than the negative 'its your own doing' ect ect.
I don't want to loose the relationship we have & ultimately I think it will make our relationship stronger & healthier but I'm aware I need to make that be the case. Practical advice from experience would be great.

As someone said, you won’t get any sympathy on here; many don’t understand it. It is hard, but I love not having to nag/chivvy about anything; the time we have together is always for fun rather than day-to-day mundanity (I have a boarder child & day children). I know my boarding child is well cared for, is busy/stimulated all day/evening, not sat in front of a screen/hanging around on the streets & will not be that teenager dropping out of university in the first term. If your child is happy then you should be happy; there are so many unhappy day pupils in day schools. It’s not for everyone but has worked brilliantly for us. Keep strong.

I actually thought my heart would break and for the first month cried myself to sleep, then I realised how happy she was and how she was thriving and it started to get better. She messages most nights and we are still close x

I am pleased you've started this thread as it is nice to have a place for the parents of boarders to console each other or simply share the thoughts and experience. We are in the second year now. It was tough at the beginning and I must admit I secretly cried like a river so many nights. I still miss him terribly but I don't cry any more (at least not like the first year!). It's definitely harder on the parent than the child if it was a child-led decision. But you'll learn to make yourself feel happy if your DC is happy... Mine is a weekly boarder so comes back every weekend and with the long holidays and exeat weekends, we still get lots of time together. And yes we communicate via WhatsApp/Skype regularly too.

I must be as hard as nails. My DDs boarded and I was only upset through missing them once in 10 years. I knew the decision was right for all of us. They were fine and I didn’t miss any of the nagging that had been an aspect of family life (inevitably) or the constant driving to and from school. It was a release from tyranny! I never missed them to any great extent. They saw school as a second home and that was how it should be.

It doesn’t affect your relationship with them. We saw them in plays, music events, house supper, house sport and went to every parent event. We were not strangers at the school. This is the best advice I can give. Build your life around what DCs are doing at school and be there when needed. In the days when you are alone, you will need to fill it. Things will appear!

I’ve written about boarding on these type of threads many times over the years and I have been accused of being delusional by some but to put it in to some sort context I work with children in a professional capacity many of whom sadly have very dysfunctional relationships with their parents so I believe I’m perfectly capable of making a judgement about the relationship between my DS’s and myself and of course my DH. We are a touchy feelly talk about your emotions many would sat eccentric type of family.
DS2 boarded from 7-18 DS only from 8-13. We sent DS1 first he is exceptionally bright in general according to his Ed psych (but dyslexic) but in maths his IQ score was 150+ he was board stiff in a tiny rural primary school who after some discussion admitted they had no money or interest in helping him with his maths. Our options were very limited mainly more of the same thing so a friend suggested a local boarding school.
I have always been very close to him, and he never attended a nursery of went to school until yr 1 this was for a variety of reasons including a serious underlying health condition which meant he was hospitalised a lot when he was younger.
He had 2-3 friends whose siblings had boarded at 7yrs old and a couple of friends his own age who were going to board at 7 yrs old so for him he didn’t see it as unusual. He looked round the school talked to other children met staff and decided he liked what he saw.
I’m not going to pretend I found it easy or that every day. at boarding school he was ecstatically happy but as every day I listen to children in day schools talking about school very few of them seem to be even happy let alone ecstatic especially the boys.
IMO it’s a balance if you and your DC believe the pros out weigh the cons then you’ll be ok so for DS1 at boarding prep the curriculum was much broader, maths was much harder and there was no limit on what he could do, he had specialised teachers for all subjects a specialised science lab making science more interesting and fun (inevitably if you’re good a maths then your likely to be good a physics too), two languages taught 3-4 times a week, game/PE four times a week three afternoon were totally devoted to games, loads of extra curricular stuff, none of which I could provide at home he looked happy and he had good friends. At the end of his first year I brought home two children who seemed to have spent most of the summer term outside just enjoy life. And I saw them all the time I seemed to be up the school all the everyday matches concerts plays we could take them out for tea and bring them home at weekends not that they always wanted to come.
The anti boarding brigade as they read this are frantically reaching for their keys boards they are going to say that boarding has turned my DS’s especially DS2 into a dysfunctional sociopaths who will never be able to form meaningful relationship they will site a friends best friends brothers husband who is a dysfunctional father and husband as an example. Sadly I meet many very dysfunctional fathers only one has ever boarded.
I will try be objective not easy with your own children when I look at DS2 (11+ years boarding) I don’t see a dysfunctional young man I see an emotionally intelligent caring compassionate individual, yes he’s eccentric a lone wolf and reserved but he was like this before he boarded I’m delighted to write that boarding school has allowed him to be the person he is. He is popular with all, he knows people from literally all walks of life oligarchs to those barely on the minimum wage everyone likes him. Over the years many professionals and non professionals have commented on what a happy close family we are, we once took a boy on holiday with us who’d never boarded and that’s all he talked about!
I totally understand OP you are worried that your relationship with your DC will be affected mine never has been, now in his 20’s we remain very close without stifling each other, as I type I am staying in the city where his university is I visit every 6ish weeks by his request we have a few days together we both love it, we do lots of things together laugh talk debate, the rest of the time like most parents we txt a couple of times a week and talk once a week. He knows I am always available for him. He sent me a card on mother’s day a few years ago “I know I can always turn to you if I ever need too that you will always support me however bad it might be”. He talks about friends from school most have similar relationships with their parents. Of course children who don’t board do as well but what I’m trying to say is that boarding doesn’t have to damage your DC or your relationship with them.
My parents had the Kahlil Gibran poem on wall
“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not too you”
I see many overly controlling parents who behaviour damages seriously or sadly often irreparably the relationship with their children, parents who feel a need to control and manipulate their child’s every waking moment. Children who as they grow older can’t wait to put distance between themselves and their parents. Like most of us as a parent I’ve got things wrong but I’m proud of the strong relationship I have with both of my DS’s.
OP please don’t be afraid to say to your DC that you’ll miss him/her you will be missed by them too, be happy when they were coming home I always used to do a mammoth baking session. But don’t listen to those literally who know nothing about boarding believe in you choice and let your DC enjoy the wonderful opportunities boarding offers, it is for the right child and family a truly life enhancing experience.

Should have also said that when my DS’s first went that I decided this was my chance to change career as aid become increasing disillusioned with my job. Not having to do school runs meant I could commute to my local university and do another degree (best three years of my life) when I finished sadly I returned to my old job (it was easier) but did work in boarding schools for 6+ years as you do need to be available for exeats and things unless you have good public transport we don’t have any so so working in a boarding school worked well for me.
I do agree with others say not having to do school runs supervise homework and all the stresses that entails was a great relief.

How old is your DD @thekidstaxi

I boarded young and I don't believe it altered my relationship with my parents at all. I hope my DC will do some boarding in their school careers, because the parts of it that I loved, I really, really loved. Some of the happiest years of my life. There were some not so good times too, especially early on. Homesickness can be utterly crippling. But if it's right for the child, then that is brief and it's so worth getting over that initial hump. I also, always knew I could leave if I wanted to and I think that was important.

My DD has boarded since age 11 (at her request) and we have an extremely strong relationship - probably because I'm not dealing with the small naggy stuff. It made my full-time, stressful job less stressful, she loves it, and in general everyone is happy. I go up to school if there is a major crisis, she phones once a week (my insistence: she'd only phone once a term if not), and we go up for plays, concerts, parents' evenings, etc.
It hasn't damaged our relationship at all. BUT - I suspect that depends on the child and parents in the first place, and if the child isn't wholly into boarding, then it could be rather upsetting on all sides.

happygardening - thanks so much for taking the time to post that. Very helpful and inspiring.

I would definitely say that the relationship I have with my two now that they are boarding is equally close as when they were home. Although we live overseas, I make a point of getting to as much as is humanly possible so that we all feel like school is a second home. WhatsApp etc have made communication so easy, so I check in with them each evening, and as I am not having to nag (much - I have a DS doing GCSEs!) we can have a normal conversation. I do miss them when they are at school, but I know that the decision we all made was by far and away the best we could, and they have thrived back in the UK.

Yes, I think we should keep this thread going. I have a few times... while trying to fill my empty evenings thought about starting a website a bit like Mumsnet (...used to be... small!!) for Boarding School parents as I never could find one and used to do endless googling when I was missing them so much. I didn't find too much that was helpful... lots of Boarding School Syndrome... very scary that.

I do think as the Mum you do have to be really on board with it. If you are not it will be really hard. I cried alot and pretty near had a break down. (Lots else was going on as well, my life changed drastically). This made it very hard for the kids and my husband as I constantly wanted to bring them home and change it. I am finally on board with it, but it has taken 2 years, and alot of talking and a bit of meds too.

Be sure it is what you want before you get caught up in it. It is hard to go back... unless for financial reasons. If you have only one child it will be a massive change. You cannot really prepare for that. It is all very well people saying keep busy but to me I really did feel grief stricken. I was obsessive about it.

The trouble is now that with the older ones gone the younger ones want to go as they don't want to be stuck at boring home with a Mum (who is crying and missing the others!).

It is alot to think about. Be sure you really like the school and it is what you want for your child and your life. Be sure when you look at the 6th formers you think, 'Yes, I would be proud if my child turned out like them'.

Also be sure you can bear the drive. You will do it alot. If it is further than an hour make sure there are public transport possibilities too.

Finally remember that your childs friends will be spread far and wide too. When they get invited to a party 2 hours away........... Well.....

2 DS who boarded from age 8, they always knew they would board "when you go to boarding school" from when they were tiny. The reason was as a military family, we moved house frequently and we wanted stability of education. This was 25 years ago, so the MOD paid an allowance which covered 90% of the cost of standard (not public school) fees. We were still responsible for "extras" which in our boys case also included extra tuition from the dyslexic unit.
They both loved it there, lots of outdoor activities, very much a second family. I worked as a temp, so when they were home so was I.
They are now wonderful caring young men, happily married and in good jobs,they both say if they can afford it they will send their children to their old school. We were and still are a very close family.
It was hard at first, I remember telling DH that if DS1 was upset when we dropped him off, he would have to deal with it, because I'd just put DS1 in car and take him home again. But no problem, we said "we need to go now" his reply "OK i'm going back to play on the adventure playground with my new friends, bye"
Over the 10 years they each spent as boarders we had, maybe 2, times they said they had problems, always quickly solved by the fantastic staff.
Pick your school carefully, one that suits your child's personality and interests and it will be the best thing you ever do for them.

This is so interesting to read. As a child I always wanted to board; as a parent, to the extent I’ve ever thought of it, I’ve thought it cruel. Now I’m thinking about it more, obviously it’s way, way more complicated than that.

May I ask of those parents whose children asked to board: were they day pupils first? How did you not (or did you?!) take this personally? Was your child mature enough to know what they were really asking for?

To those who haven’t sent all their children to board: has this affected sibling relations? How do you explain this to your day-school children?

Many nosy question, very sorry. No obligation to reply!

@Banya400 I really feel for you. It sounds like you've done the best thing for everyone else at great personal cost to you. The truly selfless acts of a loving mum.
I think it is worth have a Boarding board. That way there should be fewer people with absolutely zero boarding experience, wading in with their often pretty hurtful two cents worth.

My DS2 asked to board he was 7. As I said up thread he had friends whose siblings boarded and also friends who were going to board so it wasn’t an alien concept.
He said he wanted to study math at university therefore he wanted to do harder math now so that he wouldn’t have a problem later therefore he hoped math at boarding school would be harder because you’re there more.
We looked at the school where most of the children he knew were at. He (and I) looked round it very carefully he literally looked at everything opened every room/cupboard door, we met the head and his wife and the house parents for the younger children, he particularly liked the fact that everything was very tidy we’re not by any stretch of the imagination . I really liked the head and his wife and the house parents who clearly took their job very very seriously but also added lots fun in.
Afterwards we talked about it I checked he understood the implication of it, he had. We then agreed we’d try it for two terms.
Sadly for him the head and his wife and the house parents retired/left the new house parents/head brought a new ethos an ethos which over the time my DS’s were there changed the school. DS1 wasn’t bothered DS2 was. In yr 7 we gave DS2 the option to move for yr 8 but he declined.
When we chose his secondary school for DS2 the individual schools ethos very much influenced our choice I believe it’s one of if not the most most important factors when choosing a boarding school. There are lots of good boarding school around I looked at quite a few and talked to parents at others but we all felt only one would really suit him. This is why when looking around senior schools loos bathrooms and Olympic sized swimming pools and rowing lakes don’t interest me.
At 6, 8, 9, 12 DS2 could have either stopped boarding, done flexi boarding or chosen not to board in the future. He looked at a couple of day schools in the same careful way he looked at his boarding prep, although probably not in the broom cupboard this time. He did a trial night at a secondary school where he could flexi board, go out for dinner in the evening with my DH as he was often in the area. He choose to stay full boarding.
Towards the end of yr 13 I asked him if he regretted his choices, a nerve racking moment. He never rushes to answer these type of questions always very carefully considering his answer, so there was a significant period of silence. In this time I started beating myself up for being such a crap parent and not being unable to see how unhappy he was!
After what seemed like 20 minutes he said no he didn’t regret his choices he’d make the same ones if he could go back and do it all over again. Did he think it had damaged our relationship? Again a long pause. He eventually said that he felt that for some friends their relationships between their parents had been damaged probably irreparably but they were already damaged before they’d ever set foot in a boarding school but if you have a good relationship with your parents then boarding won’t damage it.
My advise to anyone thinking of boarding give it two terms, if your DC is still really really unhappy give notice to get out. I’ve seen lots of homesick children, if by Easter your child is still really unhappy they’re unlikely to settle. And say you going to miss them terribly but don’t get hysterical, start drying or call them every five minutes in tears this really worries children. At the start of a new school be it boarding or day they have enough to think about without worrying about their parents.

Crying not drying!!

My DD only boarded for 6th form, she attended local day school before that. The school she boarded at was 2-3 hours away and I remember crying the whole time home when we took her for the first time.
First few days were awful, although we did get updates from the house mistress to assure us she was settling in well.
Her first exeat was about a month after, and she couldn't wait to get back to school 😂
Her two years flew over and she started at Imperial last September.

I still miss her loads of course but she messages / phones me daily, plus video WhatsApp calls me to stop me worrying.

It's hard but it does get easier.

I boarded.
I loved it. It gave me some much needed stability in a family where due to father's job we were very peripatetic and tended to relocate every couple of years. I attended 3 primary schools before my secondary.

It absolutely has affected me in many ways. At the time it exaggerated the usual influence of friends in adolescence. We were all each other had. I remember thinking I was more on "best behaviour" at home than in the boarding house evenings and weekends. I felt affection for my parents but they were more remote. They didn't have to deal with homework, getting me up, the first time I got drunk, first relationship etc - and yes that stuff matters in sealing a bond. I would say now I am 30 years down the line our relationship is very close but to say it made no difference as a teen would be a lie.

What did it do to me? It has made me incredibly self sufficient. On the one hand that is good; on the other hand emotionally I am pretty much a closed book. I find it extremely hard to express sadness or upset. There is always a tiny voice in my head saying "crying won't change it". The last time I (almost) cried was in 2017 when my young son was hospitalised with a life threatening condition. Even in that situation I was unable to cry properly and release the fear. I do believe being placed in a situation at age 11 where the only person I could rely on was myself has had a huge impact on me that way. I am stone cold for self preservation.

My kids don't board. I would consider it for sixth form if they expressed an interest. Not as a younger child.

I boarded from an early age. I wanted to go and my parents listened. It suited their lifestyle and was what their friends and family chose for their children. I think my parents missed me, but it was convenient for them.

As an adult I understand that I was in no way able to make an informed choice, or to understand the enormity of the decision.

I was not unhappy at boarding school, I survived. But I have significant Boarding School Damage as do the vast majority of my friends who boarded.

My relationship with my parents is distant and has never recovered. I am struggling with parenting my eldest child who is now older than I was when I went away to school, as I don't have a model for how it's done!

If you have to do it, I'd say choose the school carefully, and don't send a child younger than 12. Young adolescents will often be ready for a new environment, but younger children are more vulnerable to emotional developmental damage, but it will depend on the individual, of course. Expect your relationship with your child to change, you really won't know what's happening with them, once they go.

Not a boarding mum, but I'm boarding staff. Some of the stuff I read on these boards about boarding school is so far from the reality of boarding today, it's like people are getting their information from 1920s books and armchair psychoanalysing.
Maybe I should do an AMA on it sometime.
But for the boarding mums on this board, here are the things I think you should know:

1. We really care about our boarders, as individuals. We are in loco parentis and in an emergency/relationship crisis we will let them cry on our shoulders, take them to hospital, hold their hand and clear up their vomit until you can get there.

2. Please don't help your child break rules by bringing in banned stuff etc because you feel guilty for sending them to boarding school. Also, please don't leave all the disciplining bit of parenting to us for the same reason. This is probably the biggest risk for boarding in my experience.

3. Be involved, talk to your kids, talk to us, come to events. Boarding parents can have just as amazing relationships with their kids as any other. And you can have your own life too knowing they are cared for and having an absolute blast with their friends.