Boarding school mums - how do you cope?

[thekidstaxi]

Mums with DC at boarding school, how do you cope with your emotions? Do you feel you experience feelings of loss or loneliness?
With the looming realisation my baby will be spending more time at school than home I am starting to worry how I will manage. I am a single mum and we are very close. It was dd's choice to board & had very legitimate reasoning for doing so.
I do work and will be doing further study but I don't think it will fill the inevitable void.
Please tell me how you get through without self medicating with copious amounts of gin!

Oops sorry for typos. Am on my phone

@happygardening I always love reading your posts because the picture you paint is what i hope for for my boys. They won't board until a bit later than yours and will start flexi to see how it goes, but i hope they love it and I hope that when they're older I will have the same close relationship you have with yours. I too wish people would stop wading in with horror stories on a thread asking for support. It's really not on and not relevant to the original question. There's are other threads where people can discuss those experiences.
I boarded at 3 different schools between 8 and 18. I was also a day girl for 5 years. Hand on heart, I much preferred boarding. There was one school where i boarded and was utterly miserable. I did one full term and it wasn't getting better. I told my parents and they took me out. I just didn't return. A term is a good shot at things and they knew I'd previously loved boarding so it was just the wrong school. Simple as that. We changed schools and I was happy again. I will be the same with my boys. Their happiness is paramount.
Yet I'm still an evil mother hoping they will board! Simply because of the absolutely brilliant experiences I know they can have.

Former childhood border here (aged 8-12.5) and all I would say is I had no doubt my parents loved me, mum would post a letter every week (even when I was a weekly border) and I got to speak to her on Wednesday’s, dad was the one who’d drive me back and fill my tuck box with contraband mum wouldn’t have allowed. I missed home a lot but got used to it very quickly. My dad worked away a lot so was fairly absent anyway, my relationship with my brother suffered but he’s one of my best friends now.

Honestly the worst part of boarding school from my perspective was being pulled out bang in the middle of puberty and living with my family again - it was really, really tough and I still bear emotional scars from that time.

I would imagine it’s much easier these days to keep relationships close with mobiles and technology

“My dad worked away a lot”
Amongst the friends we had when the boys were at school this seemed very much the norm. Two professional parents working very long hours often travelling, those with children at days schools frequently used au pairs to look after their children before and after school.
The Ladybird book image portrayed on here of a SAHM picking their kids up from school or welcoming them home from school every evening with freshly baked cakes, cheerfully supervising homework and everyone sitting the dinner table at 6 pm chatting about current affairs is from my observations far removed from the reality of many working professional parents.
If it’s a choice between an au pair with no training and often a limited grip on the language supervising your children most mornings/evenings or fully trained staff and all that a boarding school has to offer I know which one I think is preferable.

Well those aren’t really the only two options @happygardening ! I’ve always worked full time, firstly as a single parent for 10 years with eldest DD (25) and now married with a younger DD (11). With both DC I’ve used the Primary Breakfast & After School Clubs for as long as they’re open (7am, 6.30pm here). We usually use Holiday Clubs during the holidays. I did have au pairs in London for a period when I was working very late most days but I’ve more regularly used qualified childminders. Having had au pairs, I’d totally agree you’re not always going to strike it lucky but we had one who stayed 2 years and was absolutely brilliant. Most employers will consider flexible working options now (they have to!) and many professional women I know do partially home work, some men too. I’ve worked for my employer a long time and now only go into the office about once a week & work 9-6 from home. DH home works the day I’m in the office. DD gets back from her new Secondary around 5, does her homework then we both finish work together at 6.

I don’t disagree that for 2 full time working parents, the boarding option is the more simplistic. I’m not saying it’s wrong either, if something works for you, great! The alternative (though it does involve quite a bit of juggling) isn’t horrendous either & with the added benefit to me of seeing more of my DC. There’s really no rights or wrongs here @happygardening, I’m not throwing stones, we all make the best choices we can in our own circumstances!

I have both DDs at boarding and simply say to myself they are being given the best, the finest education and that its because i love them that they are boarding in the finest girls school there is. I would be selfish to keep them at home or have allowed them to go to a state school. Honestly just tell yourself that they are away because you love them - celebrate that and be proud and happy for them.

Should say I was sent to boarding school because it was likely my family would be posted abroad again (not military) so I went as a weekly border to get used to it, my dad ended up changing jobs so the funding for boarding school wasn’t there for us anymore and fairly enough my family thought there wasn’t any need anymore for me to remain there. I don’t remember being asked my opinion at any stage

SJaneS48 I agree that not everyone is in the same position. DS2 moved from small rural primary with 55 to a boarding prep, the primary offered no breakfast club or after school club and no holiday club, I didn’t work full time so it didn’t matter but neither didn’t most of the other parents whether through choice or because they had no choice I don’t know.
At secondary I want a super selective DS2 got into a top 5 grammar but I would have to drive him for 1/2 an hour to meet the bus and he would then have to spend nearly an hour on a bus getting there. He would not be able to participate in any after school clubs and I would have to be able to meet hi off the bus at the end of the day. I was working full time hours when he was at school so this was not an option, we had no other super selective around. I also didn’t want my DS to commute for three hours a day.
I believe in a renaissance’s education I don’t believe state education can provide this, I wanted DS to pursues his chosen hobby the nearest place for us was 50 miles one way.
If we lived in London or a similar large city we may have chosen a day school but we didn’t do boarding with all it’s advantages was the best option as I said right at the beginning if the pros out weigh the cons then you will feel positive about it.

Could I ask (and sorry if this is an odd question), if you live in an area not served by selective day school options that you’re happy with, would it not be cheaper / more straightforward to move house, rather than go the boarding route?

IMO boarding can be damaging for DC. This is based on observations of boyfriends/close friends/family who boarded from age 11 and say they had a good time.

77seven not its not am odd question.. We moved from a county with grammar school to a county without then to be close to my husbands job. The super selective was well into the next county.
If we’d lived in London where there are independent super selective day schools it might have been a different story in fact DS2 got a place at one. But I am a country person by nature and up bringing my children had also been brought up in the country we had horses gun dogs and are used to an outdoor life. So no not more straight forward and maybe not cheaper either the difference in fees between Winchester and the super selective day school DS2 had a place at was I think about 15k 75 k over 5 years is not the difference in price between a London house and a house in my area. And then we would have to have added DHs commute every day.
Also super selective grammar or comp state education does not provide the sort Renaissance education that I believed DS2 would benefit from.

@77seven in our case we have children settled at another school. Plus jobs we enjoy and family near by.

We chose Ds's boarding school because it was the one ( and we looked at day schools as well ) it was the one he felt most comfortable with so moving house wasn't a thing with us. That said we did limit the option to a 90 minute - up to 2 hour drive. The 2 hour drive school - I just hated ( for reasons ) so probably influenced DS's choice but sill reckon he ended up somewhere better

I think modern day boarding , you have so much contact with your child and you get into a rhythm - long holidays so all the nightly / daily stuff still gets done. If the school is worth it and your child likes the school , I think it is worth it.

Must admit I’ve absolutely no idea whatsoever what a Renaissance education is @happygardening! For boys only & having the ability to read Ovid in the original Latin and quote moral philosophy in Greek?!

Apologies, posted the same message for times as it didn’t appear to be registering! No one needed to read that!

For me Renaissance education is a broad education not just concentrating on learning to pass exams but learning for the sake of it, because it’s there be it Ovid Dante Mallory history of art politics economics religion music drama sciences maths history geography English MFLs sport etc. Debate is also encouraged. In the belief that it will add to quality of life and provide an interest and understanding of and promote questioning of the world we live in. Also tolerance. I hope it prevents pigeon holing of children at an early age as “scientist” “mathematicians” or poets. It takes time knowledge and imagination to provide an extensive non examined curriculum sadly (probably though no fault of their own) day schools and in particular state day school just simple don’t have the time or the resources. Now I’m definitely middle aged no one asks me about or cares about my O levels but the things I started to learn as a child:teenager about art classical music architecture politics etc have stayed with me and enhance my interest and understanding of many of the things I see and listen to.
Sadly from listening to children at work most feel stressed especially about exams and I get the impression that they feel they are being stuffed kicking and screaming though an education that is not meeting their needs.

@SJaneS48 Hah, I was thinking the same!

Fair enough Happygardening.

We live within walking distance of the Hamnersmith super selectives (St Paul’s Girls, Latimer Upper, Godolphin etc) and I have / have had DC at all these. I think all schools work to exams because they have to, but I would still say the opportunities mine have had along the way have been astonishing. They’ve been to India, China, Morocco and loads of other Euro countries with choirs or societies. The teachers are top of their game for the most part. The curriculum is inspired and extra-curricular are amazing and I couldn’t really ask for any more.

Mine leave the house at 7.50 ish and, if there’s nothing after school, they could be home by 4.30, but even with those hours (and they do have a 90 min lunch break when they can do societies etc) they are quite often exhausted! The schools are very intense. It’s not only the academics but it’s the social side too - mine have great friends, don’t get me wrong, but they need space in the evenings for their sanity.

I had a friend whose son was a bright boy but, for whatever reason, he didn’t get through 11 plus for any schools he or she were happy with in this area. He did, however, get a place at Wellington. But rather than board, they have moved within a 5 min drive of this school. However, she tells me the school day often goes on until 9pm! Plus there’s Saturday school all day. So he’s only really at home on Sunday anyway!

Mine would refuse point blank to do that There is absolutely no way in a million years they would do Saturday school. Plus they wouldn’t suit a rural environment and would feel like fish out if water. So, got these reasons, it’s something I couldn’t imagine.

77seven as I said upthread the pace at boarding school is much slower. Most schools devote 3 whole afternoons a week to games/activities, the other three afternoons in DS's school another couple of hours were devoted to extra curricular stuff this could be drama music any club music that took your fancy of which there were about 70. More activities were also one offer in the evenings the school held 30+ concerts a term 8-10 plays a term, weekly sometimes biweekly lectures from eminent speakers from various professions and walks of life all were open to the boys to attend. Like your DC's I think lunch was also 90 mins long.
At his school 1 lesson every day day was devoted to a non examined curriculum more organised in the first couple of years in the last couple it was solely the choice of the don teaching it and the boys themselves so the DS explored a whole range of subjects that I suspect wouldn't have appealed to him.
Therefore less of working towards exams.
Boarding school children especially at senior schools spend quite a lot of time just chilling out as generally the pace is less frenetic.
Of course boarders do exhausted especially new boarders in the autumn term, and living with others some of whom you may not like or find annoying is challenging and tiring. But my DS was at school minimum legal requirement so had lovely long holiday much longer than those in days schools.
As you say we do what works for us our families and our chosen way of life.
The pressure on children to pass exams is enormous parents apply pressure but so do schools. I work in an area of low achieving schools but day in day out I hear children talk about the pressure they feel under to pass exams and that this pressure is being applied day in day out by their schools, not just yr 11 children but yr 9s and 10s are now saying the same thing. day in day out I see stressed unhappy children I listened to a crying child desperately worried about his GCSE's a tall physically mature child I assumed he was in yr 11 in fact he was in yr 9 but his school were saying that they were expecting 8s and 9s in his exams in two years time! This pressure is having a detrimental impact on their lives, many children simply can't wait to leave education to get away from it. They are not learning things that will stay with them for life but learning how to pass exams. Of course our children need to do this but they also need to learn life skills, resilience, and I believe learn things simply because they are there.

Yes I totally agree that children are under much more pressure now academically. When I was that age, it was perfectly possible to get onto a competitive degree, maybe not Oxbridge, but somewhere like Bristol, with say BBB. Now they all seem to want A*AA / AAA for everything. Plus 3 A-levels are not enough anymore apparently. You also need a top EPQ; evidence of voluntary work; and a raft of other achievements / talents as standard. Where will it all end?

But the thing that scares me most, above all this, is the influence of social media. This is what would worry me most about not having daily contact with my kids. I know schools have policies around this kind of thing, but teens will find away around this and it only takes one person in a dorm or whatever to introduce something dodgy. It’s impossible for parents to keep track, let alone teachers or matrons, etc. Teens are so much under the influence if their friends at this age, especially if they need to fit into a group. The pressure must be even more intense if this group are their effective school “family.” That is what would worry me most about boarding in this day and age.

I too worry about the influence social media for all children. We see a lot of bullying via social media (99.9% of children I see are at state schools) and for many children is has a devastating effect. You maybe policing your children’s use of it but IME many parents aren’t.
I no longer have anything to do with boarding schools but when DS was there and I worked at one mobile phones were taken away from younger children (yrs 9/10) much of the time, they would be allowed them a 1-2 hours a day max and definitely not in their dorms at night, internet access was very restricted and of course heavily filtered I have a feeling only staff could get on face book etc but as I don’t really use it so I might be wrong and at DS2’s school no personal computers lap top for the first two years, the boys were also not meant to have smart phones when he started in 2011 although lots did but I doubt anyone would even suggest this now.
I can only talk about the boarding schools I worked at, there was surprisingly little use of social media, when I was in boarding houses you just didn’t see children on their phones all the time they would have been told to get off them. Maybe if you’ve not had your phone much at the beginning your not allowed to be on it much even when you do have it and your mate is sitting next to your when your not in lessons your not so dependent on it? Who knows? And of course this was 4 years ago so maybe it different now?

My DH boarded and was left with far reaching psychological problems which he is only just ready to address through therapy, including addiction, no meaningful relationship with his parents and social anxiety. Just to give the other side of the coin. His parents deeply regret sending him to board age 13. He is successful professionally but a recovering alcoholic and very troubled from the experiences he had at school.