Boarding school mums - how do you cope?

[thekidstaxi]

Mums with DC at boarding school, how do you cope with your emotions? Do you feel you experience feelings of loss or loneliness?
With the looming realisation my baby will be spending more time at school than home I am starting to worry how I will manage. I am a single mum and we are very close. It was dd's choice to board & had very legitimate reasoning for doing so.
I do work and will be doing further study but I don't think it will fill the inevitable void.
Please tell me how you get through without self medicating with copious amounts of gin!

The stories of people being so traumatized from boarding are so worrying and upsetting.

I am abroad now for 12 days to be with my husband. I do definitely feel very torn between being there for my kids and being with my husband. I wish that we could all just live together. However, I am very much a grass is greener kind of person. We do have an amazing life where we are able to pursue a business that aims to do real good and helps many communities and lots of interesting travel. Honestly though I would give it all up in a heartbeat if my husband was willing to just go back to a smaller local life in the UK.

It is Saturday afternoon now when I usually get to see the kids. They are getting picked up by Grandad and one is going to a friend so I think they are all good and have spoken to them all in the last hour. I think they feel more sorry for me than anything.

I do worry for my youngest though, he is kind of getting swept along by it all. I love the school where they go and he will go too, and he wants to go... sort of... he doesn't really know any different.

I show them Grange HIll on You tube and they all think that looks great fun too. Anyway, I am really missing them. 6 sleeps then will pick them up at lunchtime on Friday for midterm break and we are going on a holiday just us 5 which I hope will be lovely.

For today, I am in a different time zone so it is early in the morning so goign to do some work then some exercise, then some housework then an afternoon with friends which will be lovely. They mostly have kids away at school too as they live on an island.

I hope you are all well.

I think all points are valid to make. If made in a thought provoking manner.

People being traumatised by boarding is down to bad parenting as much as anything. What good parent leaves their child at a school they are unhappy at‽

In my DH's case there was a lot of guilt that he felt as his parents had spent so much money on his education. He was desperate not to disappoint them. They admit now that it wasn't a good choice especially as he has suffered from depression and alcoholism. But at the time they thought they were doing the best thing for him. They came into a lot of wealth very quickly and made the wrong choices.

IMO there are some clear negative effects even on people who genuinely seem to have enjoyed it.

Banya400 there are loads of people (in fact thecover whelming majority) with far reaching psychological problems including with social anxiety and substance addiction and poor relationships with their parents who’ve never set a toe in a boarding school.
Years ago a I used to work with the homeless all had serious drug/alcohol all very tragically has been abused as children most sexually some emotionally or physically many all three.
I’m not denying and have never denied that there are some unhappy children at boarding schools and who will be traumatised by there experience but I meet children on a daily basis who are very unhappy at their day schools and sadly many of whom will be traumatised by their experience.
Secondly it may not be boarding that’s causing unhappiness but the specific school, even the house, cohort or friends in that house. Over the years I’ve seen unhappy children move from day schools to boarding schools and thrive, I’ve seen unhappy children leave their boarding school move to day schools and come back to boarding because they hated the day school (the pasture is often no greener else where), I’ve seen unhappy children move from one boarding to another and love the new school, I’ve seen children simply move boarding house and go from very unhappy to happy and I’ve seen children leave boarding school and move to a day school and thrive. It’s easy to be black and white about this issue but in my now very extensive experience of both boarding and day the latter in both sectors for each individual child, school be it day or boarding what it’s ethos is and what it offers, and for boarders the individual boarding house, whether you want full boarding and the school mainly offers flexi/weekly, the HM and your fellow cohort in that boarding house even the other teachers you meet will effect their experience and how sad or happy you are there.
As TheWomenTheyCallJayne says leaving a child at a boarding school knowing that he/she is very unhappy and risk traumatising them is bad parenting and unlike unhappy children in state schools, paying gives you more choice and that choice includes moving your DC to a different school if needed.

thewomantheycallJayne
I loved my boarding school. Made some lifelong friends. Was never abused. Did well academically. If you had asked me to move schools I would have said no. My parents were abroad and I never felt sent away or unloved.

It still screwed my emotional regulation, and my ability to express emotions, and my ability to show weakness or seek help, and that is in the nature of being away from parental support and nurture (despite a benign enough regime, it's not home and you are not loved) at too early an age.

I fully accept that with modern communication it is easier now to maintain a sense of connectedness with family. Still there is no way on Earth that any child of mine is going out from my love, support and daily guidance until 16 at the very youngest.

I wish all your children happy lives.

It still had far reaching

Callimanco I’m not doubting that boarding screwed your “emotional regulation” your ability to express emotions show weakness or seek help but many children’s have similar issues who’ve never boarded a fly I see them on a daily basis at work sadly we seeing more and more unhappy children but I wouldn’t come on here and say this is what will happen to your child if you send them to a day school or St X up the road because we see more from there because that would be too simplistic.
And I know many children who’ve boarded who are perfectly able to do all have very well developed “emotional regulation”.
I struggle to understand why those who don’t like boarding have to be so black and white about it and love coming on here detailing stories about how boarding has irreparably damaged them and won’t accept that not everyone has the same experience.
Any way I’m bored of commenting on all this now I know that’s it’s not a black and white issue.

I wasn't unhappy.
I am still not unhappy. I don't do vulnerability.
I don't think all boarding schools should close.
I just don't want to send mine 😊

People who’ve not had a great time boarding do comment on posts like this because simply, anyone who has had a crap experience boarding will know that it’s different to any other school, basically you don’t get to go home at the end of evening and put things into perspective! I had 4 miserable years, I imagine that this had a lot to do with this particular school rather than boarding in general - I liked my other schools, all private.

Many boarders love it, my sister did (who went to another school). Leaving a child who isn’t happy boarding in the school doesn’t make anyone a bad parent (and seriously, shouldn’t we stop calling people who don’t do what we do bad?!) - my parents did, they only saw me in the main holidays, lived overseas & I imagine they thought I was just having ups and downs. Overall, they are great.
They’ll be less great boarding schools (like the one I had the ‘pleasure’ of going too) and very good ones just like any other kind of school. People sending their child to a boarding school will genuinely believe they are doing the very best for their DC, who the hell are any of us to say they shouldn’t! I do believe it’s probably a bit harder for a boarding parent to realise a DC is unhappy just because of the distance and once they do, if it appears to be longer term they should remove them. But if your child is unhappy at any kind of school you should get on the case - to the PP above, removing them from a State option to another State option happens all the time!

Boarding really doesn’t irreparably damage you - my confidence was knocked and it took me a year or two to get that back but that was all. No long term damage or certainly any resentment. It was just a bad school - that’s it!! My sister is a human battleship of a woman, I imagine she would find any suggestion that boarding had damaged her in anyway as very amusing!

I think I’m ranted out!

Plus 3 A-levels are not enough anymore apparently. You also need a top EPQ; evidence of voluntary work; and a raft of other achievements / talents as standard

3 a levels are fine, I know people at Bristol and Durham with 3 a levels and no epq.

@Bluewavescrashing - I feel for your husband & I wish him well - just for balance , many boarding alumni are well adjusted and happy and have a good relationship with their parents. And equally there are day school pupils who suffer from e.g. depression / addiction etc. I cannot comment on your DH's situation ( obviously ). Just trying to give some balance in that many ( certainly nowadays ) are just as likely to come out of boarding school as day schools with similar ( anecdote not data because I do not have the numbers - but just based on DS's friends & also friends from different schools he met at university. ) I would never deny lived experience but neither would I wish anyone ( e.g. the OP @thekidstaxi ) to think that boarding school is a short route to problems.

I wish you and DH well

Basilisk

@Callimanco
The problem is there’s no way to compare how someone would be if they were in a different situation.

I think many parents now, who work abroad, take DC with them. They don’t expect them to board here. However some get education allowances and tend to use them to allow DC to stay at school in the uk. Forces families certainly do this. It’s circumstances and not poor parenting. What’s poor is doing nothing about keeping DC in a school that doesn’t suit. Whatever the school. Some parents won’t risk an overseas school and DC want to stay with friends too.

I think keeping children close works for some but feels claustrophobic to others. Many parents work long hours and don’t see DC much anyway. A good boarding school offers a half way house as DC really are not sent away and never seen until the holidays. It’s unusual to do that unless parents are overseas. Many parents see DC regularly and maintain excellent relationships. It’s not the same as boarding experiences by previous generations.

I don’t understand prioritising a H’s career wishes and the relationship (if the H will be angry and treat his wife badly / end the relationship of his wishes are not met) over DC’s wellbeing and your own preferences.

Can I please ask that any further comments refrain from negativity especially if you do not have your own dc who is/was a boarder. This thread was asking a specific question to a specific group of mums. Those mums shouldn't have to keep balancing the conversation because someone's aunts neighbours dogs sister has issues. In the nicest possible way, stop commenting on stuff that is not relevant to the original question!
And to add my own bit of balance, I work with adolescents who have mental health issues and the vast majority are from state school. Yes there are also those from the private sector including boarding but they are the minority. To be fair the population of private sector is smaller nationally so it makes sense that the ratio is like that. This to me, however, would suggest that if boarding was so bad & damaging I would see that ratio altered. Also people often attribute the easiest answer to their issues but when you get the route of the problem it is, in most cases, something totally unrelated.
This thread has sadly reinforced the issue with forums/ social media. If adults can't be supportive or kind and take any opportunity to deliberately say things to make others feel bad then the younger generation have little hope. Surely we should be teaching by example.

You will adjust. You have good reasons for choosing a boarding school and your daughter obviously likes the school - if she doesn't she can leave, quite simple. I hope she enjoys it.

There will be weekends when she comes home, sometimes with a new friend and also weekends where she will be invited to friends. The holidays are usually longer too so make the most of them.

Friends of ours boarded their daughter - weekly, so she could come home every weekend, it wasn't a terribly long journey. She was there two years, made loads of friends, met people she would never have known otherwise and had a whale of a time. I remember her mum being a bit upset when she chose to go to someone else's home for a weekend but she did bring friends home quite often too. She did her GCSEs there, then left and went to a day school near home but always says her boarding school was an amazing experience.

Mine didn't board, never even thought of it but I boarded for two years. My experience was reminiscent of Jane Eyre's but that was in the dark ages, times have changed.

People should not criticise, they are not in your shoes and sometimes needs must. From your opening post you're obviously a lovely, caring mum.

I have known plenty of people who are sent abroad for work. Other than leave, they have no choice. No job doesn’t seem attractive in your 40s with a big mortgage. They agonise. They make the decision that works best for them. This has included schools abroad. Sometimes it’s been boarding here. It’s too bad parents are so judgemental about others who have difficult choices to make. Plenty do have to prioritise DHs career if they earn the most. It’s inevitable. I’ve also had friends whose DHs have lived abroad on their own and mum and family have stayed here. That’s tough too. The main thing is that those who do choose boarding are confident DCs are suited by it. Some people I know have chosen day/boarding schools anticipating time abroad so the move to boarding is seamless. I also know people who have had to work abroad due to redundancy here. Everyone deserves supporting and I’m happy to support boarding parents.

thanks for the kind words & support. I know I am making the right choice for my dd and I will adjust in time. Being a single mum there is no one else who knows & loves my dd like I do, and making huge decisions can feel overwhelming at times because I obviously want to get it right. But I have been making decisions on my own for many years and I am used to it. However not having someone else to share the emotional journey with is harder. So kind words & support are very much appreciated x

Do tell us how she gets on thekidstaxi.

We have a couple of boarding schools near us; one used to be single sex, girls, but is now co-ed with a lot of overseas pupils. When it was single sex (I Ihad friend who was a day girl there), it was like St Trinians - honestly! The things those girls got up to, sneaking out at night etc, you wouldn't believe but looking back, it must have great fun. Now it has changed and they are all well behaved, especially the Chinese boys.

The other boarding school is Islamic and boys only, they are all well behaved too.

"Do not try to write on both sides of the paper at once. After all - our children may end up with the Mrs Joyful prize for Raffia work !"
Well said, BasiiskStare 🤣🤣 apparently Matt Lucas is voicing a new Molesworth cartoon, so you are very on trend!
OP, I'm ano single parent boarding mum - it does feel like a loss and it's lonely but if you know it's the best thing for your DD, then you are putting her first.

Bet you're delighted that someone has started ano post 're the pros and cons of boarding, since so many naysayers didn't read what you were asking and criticised your choices insread! and all the best to you and your DD.

“shouldn't have to keep balancing the conversation because someone's aunts neighbours dogs sister has issues.” You don’t know why those of us with negative views hold those views. Some posters have talked from personal experience or that of spouses, for example.

“stop commenting on stuff that is not relevant to the original question” It’s social media: open for comments. As long as we are within MN guidelines. Posters can debate, or ignore.

Some of us think boarding is damaging, and wish to state this, and challenge assumptions, eg that parents (often a highly paid man and “trailling spouse”) “have to” work abroad.

State school pupils are the vast majority so would be expected to make up the vast majority of DC with health issues too. For NHS MH services then a subset of people from wealthy families will opt out and pay for private care, particularly given the very high barriers to accessing NHS services.

The Op was asking for support. Not a long list of people with problems. I think it is reasonable to ask that the OP is supported, not criticised.

The idea that it is always men that work abroad is ludicrous. Women do have a role in the military and business these days! Whoever it is, there may not be much choice in the matter. In fact a parent will often work abroad and leave the partner and DC here to continue at school. Especially around public exam times. I really do not care much for black vs white assumptions because families are individual. Personal anecdotes which relate to traumas of boarding are are individual too. They are also historic. They rarely relate to boarding now or indeed parental decisions taken in the light of modern boarding and the needs of the modern family.

The Op is a parent right now. Not 30 plus years ago.

Didn’t say always, said often, which is factually correct.

As one of (I think 2?)! posters who did say they had a crap direct experience, i think I quite plainly said I feel it was a case of crap school not the fact it was boarding. Nor has it resulted in any long term trauma which again I made very clear In fact, only worth commenting on just to say, as there is more of a distance, just keep more of an eye out for any potential unhappiness as you won’t see your child on a day to day basis!

I’ve been a single parent, appreciate it’s a tough call OP. Boarding didn’t affect my relationship with my parents, it won’t yours. Best wishes!

And on a final note, there are many great International schools at both Primary and Secondary level. I went to a couple and know various parents with children in them now. Its really not a case of boarding or one parent stays here.

8.53 yesterday. Read my post! I said choices included schools abroad. Of course I recognise these are available but not everywhere by any means.