Boarding school mums - how do you cope?

[thekidstaxi]

Mums with DC at boarding school, how do you cope with your emotions? Do you feel you experience feelings of loss or loneliness?
With the looming realisation my baby will be spending more time at school than home I am starting to worry how I will manage. I am a single mum and we are very close. It was dd's choice to board & had very legitimate reasoning for doing so.
I do work and will be doing further study but I don't think it will fill the inevitable void.
Please tell me how you get through without self medicating with copious amounts of gin!

Nap that would be an amazing AMA

Inevitably children will all have different experiences. My DS2 is perfectly capable of talking about and showing his emotions. Things have changed in boarding schools staff are no longer distant and unemotional, as Napcrackleandpop said they really do care about the children, in my professional life when I worked at boarding schools hours are spent behind the scenes talking about children especially those who struggle HMs matrons etc are genuinely concerned, strategies discussed and reviewed. Parents no longer drop their children off at the beginning of term and pick them up at the end.
It is also easy to blame boarding for an issues we have as an adult, if I put the children I work with to one side who to a certain extent are self selecting in my personal life the most dysfunctional couple of people I know who struggle to show any emotions who had no idea how to parent with love and warmth who have appalling relationships with their parents went to day schools, and their parents went to day schools.
Early years are the so important as we know from the research done around the Romanian orphans, many parents put small babies in nurseries 5 days a week few will criticise this but let your child board and you become a heartless monster.

We thought about boarding from 11 for DD in y5. She seemed shunned by a number of DDs at her school and never invited to parties. We lived in a tiny village and even the DD just down the lane didn’t play with her. (I know she thought DDs shouldn’t wear mini skirts (mine did) and her DD wasn’t allowed to the school disco or go in other people’s cars). So you are now all thinking DD was a monster! No she wasn’t. She was funny and bright and very normal. We just found other DDs had ultra cliquey parents and we were outside the loop. So we looked at boarding. It was the best ever decision.

DD is now 27 and still has a huge array of friends from boarding school. They are all very close and weddings are now on the horizon for some.

Back then, the minute the cliquey parents discovered DD wasn’t going to the local Grammar with their DDs I had a lot of coffee invitations and DD couldn’t move for party invitations. I was so glad to get away from them! DD utterly thrived at her school and didn’t look back at all. Her new friends in what became her second home were the people that mattered. We all stopped worrying about being left out and isolated.

Wow. Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond in such an honest way. I really thought I'd get a drumming on here! Glad I took the risk.
My dd will be 13, she wanted to board at 11 but I knew I couldn't cope with her being so young, she however, mentally already had her bags packed!

Starting a board or similar would be amazing, I know as it gets closer & into the first term I will need support. If I do then I'm sure other mums will too right?
Can I ask what is AMA?
Thanks for your honesty ladies. When i have more than 5 mins I will respond to questions idivdually x

Not exactly the same issue but me and siblings boarded and loved it. In general we have a good relationship with my parents and appreciate the sacrifices for our education. One sibling had issues before boarding school and still does.

Financially we probably couldn’t manage boarding school for ours, and we are a bit cautious as to whether ours would be mature enough (to be self disciplined and independent). Just be attuned to them and be prepared to change - but it can be a great experience!

happygardening
I do find your post deeply hurtful. Why would you dismiss my lived experience like that? How dare you glibly say "it is easy to blame boarding for any issues we have as an adult"? I DO blame boarding for this one aspect of my life. I was a very emotional young child and despite reading Malory Towers and thinking boarding would be great fun it did force me to stifle negative emotions in order to cope, and my relationship with my parents was affected at the time.

Fortunately I am a wonderful parent and have no problems showing love and affection to my own children. I have no doubt that boarding has changed for the better in many ways since I went; I have not suggested that no one should go. I have just said that I loved it, but yes in retrospect it did affect me. You have absolutely no right to dismiss that.

I've got a pretty chilled morning so I've put up a thread in AMA if anyone wants to head over there

Bookmarking for later - my DS starts weekly boarding this Sept...

I'm so with Nap. I believe working closely with school by getting involved and maintaining regular contact as much as you can are the keys for happy and healthy boarding life. Double standards only create confusion and anxieties. Young children need consistency in discipline. They also need to feel they are cared and help is there if and when needed. So it's best working together with school as a team. DS's housemistress suggested maintaining a triangle relationship, she, me and DS. It's working well and I really appreciate it.

I have to say FainaSnowChild that your parents should have evaluated if you were suitable for boarding. Years ago parents sent DC boarding whether it was in the interests of the child or not. I think most people these days don’t read Mallory Towers and don’t have boarding fantasies. Harry Potter is another one to avoid for aspiring boarders!

Keep it honest with DC and be led by them. Personally I have seen a few parents who still make mistakes over boarding and, if a child is still upset by it over a year in, then get out. This is why going at 11 does give breathing space. There is less in y9 when GCSEs are just around the corner.

I have seen that, where DCs are looking forward to it and embrace it, it works well. They must have parental support and it’s not fair to blub all over their siblings. Clearly where DC like Prince Charles are sent to remote outdoorsy schools when they are sensitive is going to be a recipe for disaster. Other DC relish this sort of environment. Choose an appropriate school.

I would always recommend no further than 90 minutes away. Go to sport, house events, drama and anything else you can possibly get to. Always maintain contact with HM. It is a triangle of care.

People who blame schools for their issues were clearly victims of being in the wrong school. Parents make those decisions. We are responsible. We should listen to DC. I think in the past, family history was paramount. DCs went where parents went or similar. These days we are more savvy buyers of education and the way of life for DC. We also never know if a person would have had the same issues, or even different ones, in a day school. Choose wisely.

My two children board. It used to be weekly but the older one chose a senior school where he full boards and comes home either at half term or sometimes they get a weekend home either side of half term (varies). He absolutely loves school life. He finds it so interesting with so many things to do. He gets specialist one to one coaching every week in his favourite sport. He has access to teacher tutorials every evening if he wants. He goes on trips some weekends. Today he is piled into the common room with 40 boys with snacks and watching the rugby. He rarely calls me as he is thriving and independent. I go and watch his matches once every week or two. We have big hugs and chat about general nothingness . We have a great relationship. A very loving family. I don’t miss him hugely as I keep myself busy with work and I LOVE he is so happy and loving school life. How can I be sad when he is thriving and happy? My other child boards weekly which he loves. He hates early mornings and dead time commuting and again loves the opportunities he gets each evening. So my advice is don’t mope over what YOU have lost. Be happy and thankful for what your dd GAINING. you don’t love each other less because you aren’t physically in the same room. A good relationship is not harmed by being apart.

My husband boarded from 8 and he always said it was fine and he thought he had a normal relationship with his parents. But he always added, “Well I have to say that don’t I, I never experienced life any other way.” He has won a scholarship of some kind so always felt that characterised the way his childhood panned out and it was inevitable.,

It was only when our own children got to that kind of age that he started experiencing symptoms of depression / anxiety. There was a point when it got really bad and, like many men, he’s definitely not the type to seek professional help. He felt as if he wasn’t good enough to parent and he was withdrawn and quite bizarre at times. I basically forced him into therapy and told him initially he would have to commit to it for 6 weeks. As it is, he stayed for two years and dealt with the feelings of abandonment he had disassociated from for his own survival. It got worse before it got better, to be honest. He doesn’t blame his parents because it is what it is, but he realises how much was missing, now they he’s able to experience parenting for himself.

oh zefi... good on your DH for getting help.

There are many many threads on here about boarding school, and there seems to be those who thrive and those who survive (a la Meghan and Harry!)

The thrivers seem to be the sporty sociable ones, the survivors talk about homesickness and dissacoitation (sp?) from their families.

Personally, having boarded from age 10 and pretty much survived and did some thriving too - there is no way on earth I would have sent mind to board until they were at least 16.

Thanks Yolo. The thing that got him through school actually was the sports because he was very much into all that. People would have looked at him and said he was thriving and I think, as a child, your emotional landscape is shaped by your parents reactions to situations - so if they seem fine, then it doesn’t occur to you that there’s another way to feel. He was in the marines for a while and used to “thrive” on structure because that was his coping mechanism. Interestingly, these days, he’s shunned rugby etc for sports he can do on his own such as long distance cycling or karate. He says he craves space away from others because he could never get that growing up. He’s discovered he values his own space silence and he tends towards activities like mountain-climbing, rather than team sports.

I often think, on these boarding threads, that some people dont realise the emotional impact it has until their own children reach the age at which they themselves started boarding... I am sure there is a place for it, but both DH and I boarded, didnt hate it, but would never ever have considered it for our own children.

Sorry OP to be anti boarding, but there is a down side to the good side.

This was not a thread on pris & cons if boarding. My dd wants to board & it has been her driving it. I know she will be absolutely fine, & if she's not I'll take her out. This was to ask the mums how they cope with the separation, the feeling every parent goes through when making big decisions about their children's future & supporting their choices.
I know people have strong feelings about boarding and everyone is welcome to have their opinion. I don't want to cause offence but please can we stick to topic. Thanks

All parents and children are different, OP, but the thing that surprised me most is how very quickly I got used to DC1 being a boarder. I thought I'd miss him endlessly - but in fact, I just got on with the usual daily grind, DC2 etc, and the time really does just go very quickly until Exeats/holidays. My DC1 boards too far from home for me to visit regularly.

We are just as close as we were before he went to boarding school (at 13) - and I haven't had to nag him about homework etc. So in that way, it's better.

DC2 is also going to board, so it will be a bit weird for about five minutes to have an empty house - but I will be glad to be able to eat what I like every night.

My DD started boarding at 14. She won a scholarship (performing arts related) and really wanted to board so she could pursue her passion. She loves boarding and is thriving. As a Mum I have to admit I do find it hard and miss her terribly. When she first went away I really struggled, but a few years down the line and seeing how well she is doing I can see it has benefitted her hugely. We are very close and she can talk to me anything. Facetime helps enormously and we still see her a great deal.

Boarding schools have open doors. If you miss her, go and visit often. I’ll be going up three times in 7 days this week (sports events). I love going to watch . DS likes the sweets I bring 😂. Really try and look forward to boarding school. For the right child it is the most wonderful thing. I boarded and loved it. My ds loves it too. So different to 20 years ago too. Incomparable! This is a time of life to cherish due to all the amazing things your dd will experience that she would not otherwise get a chance to. Love life and live it!

Well my DD1 left school 9 years ago and I would say when we were choosing, many schools were pretty enlightened nearly 20 years ago! However I completely echo the view that parents should visit the school. At our school we used to have tea before chapel on a Sunday evening. We got to know other parents. We attended every single house event our DDs were in. That encompassed drama, music, dance, house supper and sports day. Plus later on: fashion show and art open evening. That’s just the ones I remember but there were talks for parents to attend and the main drama production which was always a great as well as numerous concerts.

My DC were not into sport but still thrived. It’s important to find a school that plays to the strengths of your DC. The school we chose was very sporty (they mostly are) but it also catered for those who enjoyed performing arts and had other talents. Both my DDs did a lot of singing. There were opportunities to attend numerous music events and the choirs performed a lot and not just at school. My best advice is to go along to everything! Don’t dump and run. Be involved. There’s probably a parents association. Don’t choose a school too far away from home and I cannot agree more with the ethos that you gain happiness from knowing your DC are thriving. It’s not about what you lose (you don’t if you keep in touch) it’s about what they gain.

As someone said, you won’t get any sympathy on here

Except, of course, for the posts giving sympathy, which are in the majority.

two boarders here. One full, and one weekly.
It is weird at first not having them around the house, but like everything in life - you get used to it.
By the time both dc were boarding, I did feel rather lost at first and not sure what my role was anymore. But knowing that my dc were happy at school and doing well and having amazing opportunities and experiences helped. They both (well, dd more than ds!) communicate with us lots via FaceTime for example when they're at school and the school is very communicative too. We are fairly local to them both so go and see performances and sports stuff. I find that the hardest actually, seeing them at school, then leaving to go home without them with you.

We have seemingly breezed through the adolescent phase with ds, and he is nicely independent ready for university. It's quite lovely to see teenage boys greeting their parents with hugs at sports matches, and chatting away to their parents. Then at home, it really is family time without the pressures of schoolwork looming over them. Only when public exams are looming are they expected to work at home in the holidays.
OP - be strong, and think of this time now as your time to take up a new hobby, or study, or work more, socialise more - whatever you enjoy doing. You will always still be at the end of the phone if your dc needs you whatever you're doing at home.
I really hope it goes well for you both. i'm sure the school will keep you up to date with what your dc is up to even if they don't get round to it!

My daughter went to boarding school first at 11 as a day pupil staying one evening a week as it broke the commute up for her and she was desperate to stay in the room with her friends who boarded full time . She did all of her hobbies there of which she really enjoyed . Previous to that when she attended the local village school we would spend hours in the car running back and forth to activities, often she ate dinner in the car so as not to miss rehearsals etc as she was a competitive dancer . It was exhausting . At 13 she went as a weekly boarder as the dancing was so intense on top of an academic work load .She would come home often with a friend in tow at the weekends who were usually full time boarders who wanted a break at a home and I could give them a cuddle for their mums and make them their favourite dinners. I would pick her up on a Friday evening and take her back on a Sunday evening after roast dinner together as a family . At 15 she boarded full time as we had to move cross country for work . She commuted home on the train for half terms etc often Sharing part of the journey with a friend . She made friends from overseas and got to visit some amazing countries in the holidays as a guest of those friends . We would offer to host them for half terms when they couldn't go home .I missed her terribly when she first went at age 13 and felt like I'd gone into grief mode . I had never know anyone whom was at boarding school previously and it was very alien to me . We kept in contact by WhatsApp and had mid week Skype calls plus at that point she was home at the weekends unless she had activities/ shows which I worked around . The full time boarding was hard for me with the distance as I couldn't meet up mid week and take her out for dinner when I was missing her / she missing me like we had previously but we got used to it . For A levels she reverted back to weekly boarding as we moved closer to the school ( within an hours drive) which was easier on us both plus by the time she was 17 she had a boyfriend whom she wanted to see outside of school , passed her driving test so would drive herself home and back to school at the weekends which wasn't uncommon within her friendship group . It was worth the sacrifices as she loved it and I got used to it which made uni a lot more manageable for us both to once that was upon us . We have maintained a very loving relationship and I still felt like the parent all the way through which had worried me before hand as it's was hard to hand over as loco parentis at the beginning , I knew all of the boarding house staff and managed to get to know quite a lot of her house peers as I was there so regular over the years .

Haven’t read the full thread but in answer to how do you cope? I say that you cope as you do with any other decision that you are sure is for the benefit of your child even if hard for you. Every day as they grow older and develop you have to let go, even though most of us would probably like to keep them totally safe and cocooned for ever. But that would not be good parenting and the sadness of letting them go is part of what you do because you love them. It must be awful if you send them to boarding school because it’s expected in your family, or if circumstances mean you have to even if you don’t want to (and they don’t want to). But if they go through choice and you are sure it’s the right thing for them you live through it as through every other time you let them go. It’s hard, though. My DS is so immensely grateful to me for letting him board and knows how hard it was emotionally and financially but tells anyone who will listen how hugely glad he is that we did it. Look forward to that (and to the longer holidays you will get with DC as a result of them being at boarding school).

My two both went to day school.

I have to say that I know quite a few military families where relationships between mothers (in particular) and children seem very close and affectionate. Boarding doesn't seem to have made them more distant and they seem to spend a lot of time with one another as adults. Some of this has been as a result, I think, of the mothers spending as much time visiting the children at school and bringing them home and FaceTiming them frequently (somewhat to the disgust of the older-style boarding school mothers, who seem to think this is somehow morally degenerate. And whose children seem to visit and communicate with them very much less often, I have noticed.)

There seem to be two schools: the first, who use modern social media and the car/train to keep a physical connection going on as much as is possible. The second: who think that early separation 'prepares' children for adult life and ideally you should only see them every holiday. I don't really understand the second group, but as I say, the first group seem to be as close to their offspring as I am to mine.