Boarding school mums - how do you cope?

[thekidstaxi]

Mums with DC at boarding school, how do you cope with your emotions? Do you feel you experience feelings of loss or loneliness?
With the looming realisation my baby will be spending more time at school than home I am starting to worry how I will manage. I am a single mum and we are very close. It was dd's choice to board & had very legitimate reasoning for doing so.
I do work and will be doing further study but I don't think it will fill the inevitable void.
Please tell me how you get through without self medicating with copious amounts of gin!

Not to mention technology has changed things.

It's really hard at first. It's hard when they go back after a long holiday. But you soon settle into a new routine and get get used to it. It's been a very positive experience for our family but the school was very close.

happygardening - the only thing I would say is that, when it comes to the decisions we make for our children, every parent, whatever the circumstances, will justify these to the hilt. How many times do we hear, “Mine are in a state school because I want them to mix with normal people / it was good enough for me, etc etc.” It’s partly true, but it’s also partly about parents desperately reassuring themselves Look at the endless SAHM / WOHM threads on here, where on the one hand, there utter horror that tiny babies are in nursery for 10 / 12 hour days, while others insist that their children “thrived” in such scenarios and they know this because, “Look now they’re 18 and doing fine.”

I guess the point is, is you went to a failing state school or baby nursery, you wouldn’t necessarily feel damaged by that because you don’t have experience of any other type of childhood for comparison. You only know what you know. Same with boarding school. Similarly, people (like me) can have very dysfunctional families, but may well be totally oblivious to how this has affected them until something suddenly causes you to question this “normal”.

Agree zefi.

I have a very good friend who works at the boarding school I went to, she was a couple of years above me and has worked there most of her working life. She loves the place, she loves the ethos, but even she admits that she feels sorry for some of the kids, basically because they may not be there for the 'right' reasons, or they are unhappy being a long way from home.

I dont know, I dont want to knock boarding for those who feel it's right, but I would say this: as a small child I always knew I would go to boarding school (due to dad's job). So I went, knowing it was the norm, and for the most part I made the best of it. Some bits were brilliant. But, it does most definitely change your relationship with your parents, simply because you learn to live without them for long periods of time. Whether you think that's a good or a bad thing is up to you.

Not all, some of them love it, but some of them are clearly not just cut out for boarding.

Firstly, thank you all for taking the time to share your thoughts & tips with me, I really appreciate it.
Secondly, @clevud how dare you insult & judge me & the other ladies who have shared their experience , not a 'from a distance' opinion.
I did not board, my parents did not board, my social peers have zero impact on the decisions I make for my child. The vast majority, about 95%, of my peers dc go to the local state schools. So please tell me how your comments have any validity?
I was about to explain why boarding is the best option for us, but actually I do not have to justify myself to you or any other mean spirited person. I feel sorry for you, that during your education you were not taught that if you cant say anything nice, don't say anything at all.
I can only assume that you get pleasure from posting such nonsense, the post was very clearly directed at mums of boarders, if you are so objectional about it don't read the thread

OP, you don’t say whether your DD will be weekly or full-boarding or how far away the school is?

To be honest, I think boarding at 13 is a totally different proposition to boarding at 7, or even 11. A 13 year-old has a good concept of what a week, three weeks or six weeks away from home will actually feel like, whereas a 7 year-old doesn’t really. They can verbalise their feelings; question decisions and, as you say, nothing is set in stone, so if she’s unhappy, you just take her out.

As you say, you have very good reasons and it’s obvious this is not a decision you’re taking lightly.

DS had a few friends who flexi then weekly boarded from 13 and it’s worked out fine. For those who didn’t like it, they left! We live in London and the day schools are extremely competitive, so some board as a way of still getting into a “prestigious” school. Or they cite the sports fields as a reason to board because they spend so much time backwards and forwards between matches otherwise. Fair enough.

Unfortunately, I have, even in this day and age, seen a culture where boys are still “sent away” at 7. At the very first coffee mornings I went to when DS started reception, there were several mums already saying, “Well if my DS doesn’t get into St Paul’s Juniors or Kings College Juniors at 7+, he knows he will board. DH has connections....” This still happens and it was an eye-opener for me. It is a status-led decision, I can’t see what else it is and I can’t help feel judgemental about it. We all draw the line somewhere.

Sorry, What I meant to say was, the mums I know with teens who board and have no other DC at home anymore, they get into a pattern. They go to a match midweek, so getting there and back takes up most of a day. Then on the weekends, they’re getting ready for the DC coming home on Saturday evenings, if not picking them up. Then they have to get them back for Sunday evening! So it’s non-stop. There’s always something.

I have a friend who has one at Tonbridge, one at Wellington and one at Benenden and she basically spends her life on the M25.

I've just re-read your OP, thekidstaxi. I think you'll find that you do fill the time quite easily, and you don't really feel the void. You might feel it a bit more if your DD is your only child - but the time really does go very quickly between school holidays/exeats. I don't spend all my time travelling to school and back, as I have a job and DC at home (am also a single parent). School is too far away for it to be possible, even if it were desirable.

I did miss him for the first few days, but not in a weepy, 'poor me' sort of way. Just quietly. He and I had been more or less inseparable for 13 years. But I think I was more shocked by how quickly his absence became completely normal.

He is in his final year now, and I hear from him most days - though there have also been times when we've gone for days without any communication.

“DH has connections”
I’m curious to know what connections you need to get into a boarding prep apart from being connected to a large amount of money to pay the fees!
Secondly the number of 7 yr olds boarding is minuscule (I’ve seen the figures somewhere but can’t find them now) and most of those will be from outside the UK or choristers. The exorbitantly high fees preps are now charging and the definite lack of appetite amongst UK parents for boarding means that now the vast majority of preps offer flexi boarding and mainly to older children.

I think the key thing OP is just to listen to your DD - to be fair, this really goes for any type of school, not unique to boarding! Both my sister and I boarded - we grew up internationally and for our parents sending us off was just the done thing and expected. Having had read lots of Enid Blytons I went off happily at 10, my sister at 8.

Quite honestly, for me it was an absolutely miserable experience - my parents has chosen the school in proximity to our family for exeats, half terms etc and it was completely the wrong school. Being unhappy at boarding school is different as essentially there is no escape from it. My parents while not unfeeling at all had the stiff upper lip approach of their generation. After 4 years (and it took that to convince them, I was moved to another International school which I was 100% happier at. It had dented my confidence a good deal though.

My sister had a great time and boarded at a different school to me. Honestly it’s not an anti boarding post, I have friends who’s DC board extremely happily and god knows boarding is a hugely different thing these days. But I would honestly hugely recommend whipping them out if they are not happy (and I mean more than the usual ups and downs school drama).

I don’t think my parents particularly mourned us going but to be honest, it was always expected we would go. I don’t think it has made the slightest difference to our relationship seeing them only on the main holidays. By the sounds of it, communication is so much better these days and opportunities for visiting (not encouraged unless it unsettled us in mine!) far greater. You’ll adjust to the patterns and it will get easier!

happy - there are dads round here who went to particular prep and / or boarding schools and want their sons to go, so they’ve been funding bursary places at the schools or making other types of donations for years. The mums are quite open about this and it’s as if they feel as if they have no choice because it’s the “done thing.” They’re desperate for the boys to get into SPS or Westminster Under, etc as an acceptable alternative, so this puts a lot of pressure in the boys. If their child won’t get into these schools, they make out as if boarding was always the plan anyway, as a way of saving face or something like that. I’ve seen this loads.

Sorry to detail OP. I realise this is not your situation at all!

Zefi I think there’s a it of showing off going in here there is generally no problem obtaining a place at a reputable boarding prep (assuming you can pay) and you register in time. I’m not sure funding libraries etc any more guarantees you a place at the big name super selective boarding schools. I once had a conversation with a bursar at a very famous boarding school he said the reality is that if you put to one side the very big name super selective boarding schools Eton etc, and assuming your DC meets their academic criteria and of course you’ve got £42+ k you don’t know what to spend it on your in. He said many write on their websites or tell prospective parents that their oversubscribed or that they have waiting lists but in reality this is not true.

ok, so after a good sleep after a very long night shift last night, I am much calmer this morning and totally able to ignore/ laugh at ignorant comments. Everyone has an opinion, just like everyone has a bottom, doesn't mean I want to see or hear them!

I am not 'trying to justify this to make myself feel better'.
I am not 'having a dog and putting it in a kennel'. My dd would feel more 'caged' at home not being able to go to activities because I'm working & cant get her there.

My DD will be 13 when she boards, she currently is at a prep where she can flexi - (so that I can keep my job!) but she only boards 2 nights a week at most. The school she has chosen is full boarding, hence my original question about managing the feeling of loss/emptiness ect. I am a single mum and she my only child so I think I will find it really tough. She on the other hand wanted to go at 11, it was me that delayed it to 13. This is a joint decision that took me some convincing to agree to. I am doing this for her, supporting her and acknowledging I am not and shouldn't be her whole world, despite how hard I may find it. We have been a happy little twosome for most of her life so this will be a huge change for us both. We looked at several schools for 11 and more now for 13 entry. the conversations about pros & cons have been lengthy. Her choice is one that is 1hr 40 away and yes there are closer ones but she knows what she wants from a school and has great reasons for her choice. I like the one that is weekly and 40 mins away but only because its weekly and closer! I know her choice will suit her better though so that is what we are going with.

OP - sounds great. Just keep talking to her to make sure she is happy there, and keep yourself busy with extra work, or hobbies, etc. I decided to keep fridays off work as there are a lot of pick ups and meetings during the day. I try to go to all his home matches, and as many performances as I can.

We had a back up plan in case ds wanted to leave, we'd looked at a day school just in case.

Good luck to you both.

I agree with the posters who said that boarding at 13+ or sixth form by choice is completely different to boarding at a younger age. I have a colleague whose daughter asked to flexi board at a school where she was a day pupil because she wanted to spend more time having fun with her friends who boarded. She's 16 though and it's completely her own choice. She loves boarding and barely wants to come home.

If I had a son and he had the opportunity to board at Eton at 13+ I would definitely jump at that, as the future prospects a school like that would provide are immense.

My own daughter is 10 and very outdoorsy with a huge passion for horse riding. We live in London in a very non-outdoorsy environment and her prep school doesn't have much outside playing space. She has been dreaming of this romantic notion of being able to live in a school with horses and be able to ride out before breakfast. To please her, we are going to attend the open day at Hanford (a friend of hers from Pony Club is alao keen to board there - they are the same age and in the same year group). However, I don't think my daughter is old enough to fully appreciate all the implications of boarding - especially so far from home and her ideas of boarding are too romanticised, so I'm not really looking at boarding as a viable option.

Having been sent away by my parents to various summer camps in my childhood, I felt so terribly homesick and stuck in an environment I hated, but was too afraid to disappoint or worry my parents to really be honest with them.

There's a documentary I watched not long ago on Sunningdale School, which seems like a lovely school, but those little boys broke my heart. They were clearly so homesick but trying to put on a brave face. That's the documentary if anyone is interested (it's called "Britain's Youngest Boarders": m.youtube.com/watch?v=SrAYOKZzBYA )

Don't let other people make you feel you need to justify your and your DD's decisions, thekidstaxi. It takes 4-5 hours to get to my DS's school, so 1 hr 40 is more or less local . It will be strange for you when it has just been the two of you (I would have found that harder). But it really will go very quickly once you get on with what you're doing. You'll also find you have a bit more time to do other things that you like doing (or need to do), too.

OP, I think your daughter will do great. She has that bond with you; she knows you’ll always be there, but maybe, as an only child at this age, she needs to spread her wings now and strike out to form wider friendships. And if she doesn’t like it. she’ll tell you.

They all go at some point - one of mine will be off to uni next year. He’s the eldest of 4 and that’s bad enough!

happy - I agree with you that there’s probably not much point in donating to boarding preps anymore as I wouldn’t have expected the demand to be overwhelming. But who knows?

Xela - I remember a little friend of DS’ went to the school in that documentary. We were at a party and the mum, after a few glasses of wine, completely broke down, saying that she didn’t know how she would let him go but she had to. The way she was talking, you’d think we lived in a police state where boys are forcibly removed from their parents at 7, but really it was her husband who had decreed it, so that was that. This lady only had this one son and she didn’t work, plus the DH spent most of his time overseas. Nobody said anything, but we were all wondering why she would put herself through it, tbh.

My DH went to a school not a million miles away from there when he was just turned 8 and he said he didn’t even know where he was geographically, so sometimes he used to sit up in a top window where you could see the lane and wait for a certain car to go past at a certain time because he thought it was his mum going shopping. It only dawned on him a few terms later that it couldn’t have been his mum as she was miles away. It was just someone else with the same car.

I have two dogs , they do not sleep in a kennel. They sleep on the bed with me ( probably a very different MN thread ) My DS chose the school. He was not "sent away" Boarding for those it does not suit is not a good idea. Age / school / etc. For those it suits ( and the DC has to choose the school not just the parents ) it can be vey good. I do understand that some people did not like it but for those it suits , it can suit well & be a fabulous time ) & much time at home. ( DS went at 13 - other opinions are available)

You start it @BasiliskStare, I’ll join in (and no, much loved but way too whiffy!)

@SJane48 - ha ha - DS went to a particular boarding school & very happy when he left - so if that's a start it is.

I was talking purely dog not DC related (but they can be pretty whiffy too!). Sorry OP, will stop!

I do not let my dogs upstairs let alone on my bed but I’m from a farming background dogs lived in barns at night!
But dog and children IMO are not one and the same.
I genuinely don’t think my DS’s ever put a brave face on it. I found some photos the other day taken during their first summer at boarding prep they were taken when they weren’t aware of then being taken two very tanned laughing boys on a beach with their friends. But then we saw then 4 sometimes 5 times a week and they could come home for weekends. They had broader curriculum a slightly slower pace of life endless fun activities and 30 acres to play in climb trees and make camps and a beach up the road. When they first went it was a bit Enid Blighton endless dorm raids sneaky midnight feast (thinking school staff didn’t know) and hot chocolate with marsh mallows and biscuits in the house parents sitting room before bed. They were only at school 33 weeks of the year max lovely long holidays especially the summer one which was often 9 blissful weeks sand 4 weeks at Xmas 3 weeks at Easter half terms and exeats every third weekend. Sometimes I felt I spent all week driving back and forth to school to either pick them up drop them off watch a match concert poetry recital take them out for tea. I guess I was lucky I wasn’t working full time so could do it.

Well two things - our dogs sleep on beds - DS enjoyed his time at ( boarding) school.

I realise I am in a minority here

I think the parents of boarders get very defensive because we don’t recognise ourselves or our children in the descriptions painted by anti boarders. I don’t care to go into details on an open forum but no one would describe my DS2 whose boarded 11+ years as emotionally stunted, in fact most would say the complete opposite. We have an amazing relationship, I wouldn’t be surprised if some say behind my back maybe that we’re too close.

@BasiliskStare our dog also slept in our bed - on the pillow and under a blanket. He wouldn't have it any other way ans used to baek if it waa bes time and the bed still wasn't made