Shit. Moved my dd to private school and she hates it.

[Manontry]

Yes, I know. It's been literally one day. But she doesn't like the fact its single sex, hates the house system (her house has a large proportion of overseas students, not sure why its just her house thst has this) and wants to go back to her old state school.

I'm gutted for her - she was desperate to go, has a scholarship, went for two taster days. We have a bursary and she has a scholarship (sport).

I'm not one to overreact but I have a gut feeling that we've made the wrong decision.

One day? Of course people stick to what they know on their first day. It sounds as though she is disappointed that she is not in the same house as her friends. How can she possibly know that the other girls are not going to mix?

You are familiar with the school so know that it is good, perhaps her sister could reassure her that it takes time for friendships to develop and help her focus on the positives?

Also if it’s as segregated by house as you claim, how has she managed to make friends in other houses after just one day...?

I read it to mean she already knew people in other houses. Could be either though.

If you've paid for the term then I'd tell her she has to stay for the term. I echo other posters in that one day is far too soon to make your mind up about something. Plus she went there at her request.

fenella, ypu may not understand it but here it is again. The school is a boarding school with a small number of day pupils. The day pupils are allocated a house. Each house is a separate, actual building. Girls eat in their houses. They keep their stuff in a room in their house. Sorry to sound short but you sound as if you think I haven't understood it!

Give it a term and see. Is she Year 7 or 9? Is it the same house as her sibling went to?

Also, I bet if she were suddenly in a Chinese school with only a few other English speakers, she'd do exactly the same as them 😁 It's disorientating having to think in two languages and make the change after the long summer holiday especially, and for those new, it's a massive culture shock.

I've worked in boarding schools for years. I'd suggest the school need to work on integration, but it is tough to change a culture of segregation over night. It takes a real culture change and a careful balance of nationalities. And the HM is so important to this!

Friends' DCs who attend our local boarding school as day pupils have found this. The DCs at the feeder prep all reserved their preferred houses many years before they moved up. Anyone starting later, including the influx of overseas pupils who come to school in the UK at the age of 14, tends to be fitted in.

Most settled well after a few weeks. The day pupils stay quite late at school to do prep and activities, then go home to sleep. A friend with a DC at the school told me that an advantage of this, is that any real issues, such as bullying, tend to occur after the day pupils have left. That's a clear trade off against being a bit "out of things" at first.

Having said that, if your DD is still unhappy after a week or so, I'd speak to the housemistress to see what can be done.

It's not really weird. There are approximately 20 girls in her house, of which 12 are Chinese and don't socialise with anyone else. That gives her 8 girls to talk to. 6 board so have made a group. The other day girl isn't friendly (she says!)

That sounds rubbish but it was day one for them too. The other "unfriendly" girls might have been nervous and regretting her choice too. The Chinese girls won't be a big group forever, it's natural to stick with people you know at first. It's likely that when she gets to know them she'll click with some. Make staff aware that she's struggling with friendships but encourage her to be positive and friendly, at least until half term, then if it's no better you can think again.

@Manontry but if she’s a day pupil and therefore only there to eat lunch, there’s no reason she can take mix freely with other girls, is there? Her lessons aren’t streamed by house and they don’t spend the whole lunch hour eating.....

It sounds like the house is the problem rather than the school and I think that it's actually sensible to raise it sooner rather than later as it would surely be easier for the school to reshuffle the houses now rather than a few weeks into term. I would raise it with the house mistress right away. The issue isn't specifically with overseas students but that the Chinese students have formed a closed clique and so have the 6 boarding girls and your DD, and the other day girl, would be better off in a different house. Surely it wouldn't be too difficult for there to be 21 girls rather than 20 in a couple of the other houses, as day girls don't need a bed space obviously?

A lot of my friends at school were from Hong Kong. I'm still in touch 20 years on. I learnt quite a bit of Cantonese.

Do none of the Chinese girls respond to a smile and a hello, honestly?

To be put in a house with such pupils seems unreasonable of the school

What? So the Chinese students need to be kept separate for fear they might be stand offish! Ridiculous. Of course on day one people are going to stick with others they have something in common with but friendships will grow.

OP - stick to your plan of reviewing things after a term. Also gently remind your daughter that it’s a new environment for others too so it might be affecting their behaviour etc.

It’s only been a day I’m sure the Chinese are stand offish they’ve been there 1 day as well. Put yourself in their shoes; you travel 1/2 the way round the world to a country and culture you’re may not be familiar with and probably at times seems bloody odd and let’s not forget a language that not yours you see 11 English people in see of Chinese faces who do you go and sit with? It’s human nature to gravitate to those we feel we’ve got something in common with especially in situations like this. Perhaps your DD needs to put think about this and after a few days make the first move? We were in Asia a couple of years ago and travelled to a village where we were the only white people and everyone else was Chinese it was a festival evening and the streets were packed. The Chinese openly stared at us yes they did seem stand offish bordering on rude as no one smiled they just gawped but if you caught someone eye and smiled they instantly smiled back and were very friendly when we got talking to the younger ones who spoke English they were keen to tell you all about they culture values food etc and share the latter with us.
If you liked the HM and she’s good she’s bound to have activities etc planned in the near future to encourage the girls to get to know each other but on the first day your not going to try and force friendships. Secondly IMO experience of the Chinese we have Chinese friends, I’ve worked with the Chinese in boarding schools, one of the reason why they come here is to learn about and experience our culture and improve their language and I work with an increasing number of Chinese in my current job that their culture is totally different from ours (and absolutely fascinating) with regards to education, work ethos, family values etc and of course when they first arrive here they are wresting with our language which fairly obviously is totally different from ours but as I said above I’ve always found that underneath all of this they are warm and friendly. The Chinese form just over 18% of the global population despite the many difficulties in China now everywhere she goes she will meet the Chinese particularly in university and in professions like medicine accountancy STEM subjects law she needs to get on with it she will encounter The Chinese more and more. Personally I wouldn’t be contacting the head or even the HM keep out of it don’t be one of those parents. I use to work in boarding schools we used to say give it two terms if by 1/2 term no real improvement start talking to your HM.
Finally I very much doubt their parents are being monitored by the Chinese government to listen to what their children are saying.

Thanks all. Lots of sensible advice here. Dd2 is in her house and she is worried about her as even she says that the intake is cliquey and quiet. Apparently they all sit in silence at meal times and if dd tries to start conversation they just look at her and don't reply. Dd2 told me this not dd3! It sounds crap if i am honest but she's gone off this morning looking tired and miserable. I will see how she is later.

Dd1 went to a different private school some years ago. It was a failing school which ended up closing. In the last few years over 50 percent of the girls were chinese. I have no doubt that they were lovely girls, but they absolutely did not mix at all with the other girls, despite being there for 3 years. They stayed in a group. This is quite common.

She’s in a sports scholarship (impressive)? Once she gets into clubs and squads she will make friends and find her ‘home’. She’s probably feeling a bit scared and out of place just now. Try to get her to feel positive and optimistic - think of the things she will get out of the school and how she will have good coaching and facilities. Is she in touch with old friends? Could be some jealousies there.

She's got proper lessons today where they are all mixed up. Hopefully this will help. She just needs one friend!! And then I think things will improve.

@MrsMozartMkII

I'd ask now if she can change house.
Better to give it a chance, from someone who has worked in many and who has children in other ones

The Chinese students are extremely unlikely to integrate in the house.
Not true. Seen full integration happen many times in different schools. In any case, I will stop and challenge any colleague who says something similar, as basically it's also like saying all Chinese children are alike. They are not. Any reference to "the Chinese" for example isn't tolerated at the school where I work.

The boarders are also likely to stick together.
while boarding does tend to rule, especially where they are the majority, it's not true to generalise like that and day boarders tend to really benefit from the boarding environment, even when not boarding themselves.

fekko thanks. I was a bit naive I think as all her old friends from previous school have dropped her from the chat groups and all met up in the holidays without her. She's in that nomans land where she doesn't 'belong' in either group yet.

She did say the games lesson was good and that all the staff talked to her afterwards suggesting sports that she could do. The housemistrrss is lovely and i feel bad for her if we ask to change! The school itself seems amazing but she's 13 and friendships are everything.

It's very different. It can take more than a term to settle in. DS took two years t settle into his private school and we wondered if we'd made a mistake because he was so unhappy. But we knew it was a brilliant school and couldn't find a better one. Turned out he was unhappy for lots of reasons, all of which the school carefully, tactfully and lovingly helped him with. He is now happy and thriving there and has been for years. He got good GCSEs and is set to get excellent A levels. The school has nurtured him and built up his confidence and his study habits. Give her time to settle. She needs to learn that you don't run off at the first problem.

Dd2 has been fine as a day pupil and made lots of boarding friends. I really hope it will all settle. Knowing my luck if I demand she move house she'll end up best friends with someone in the old house. I will let it settle. I just feel a bit gutted for her.

Have the overseas students been spread, or are they totally bunched in one house? It’s fair enough if they are spread around and there just a high %, but if it’s the case another house has a huge % of day girls I’d ask about the impact on DD. If they haven’t equally distributed girls between houses they’ve created an issue